This Blog Comes in Three Parts

...Where do I start?

So much stuff has happened in the last few days that I can't even keep up anymore.

I guess I'll start with the most complicated part. It has to do with the boy. I only say complicated because I don't even know what I'm feeling at the moment. It's always like that for me, though. When I'm with the boy I've got my attention on, there's really only one thing I want, and then when I'm away and able to think rationally...it's all different.

Not making much sense, am I?

Alex basically told me the same thing Matt did once upon a time. But my response was vastly different this time around. And I'm happy I stuck to my guns and all, but now I'm back where I started. I realize I'm barely out of my teens and that I've got years and years to find that fairytale romance I've been dreaming of since I was, like, two months old, but...sometimes I want it to be NOW. Alex is awesome and absolutely perfect for me...except for his whole religion thing. That's a big part of why I'm so confused right now. He actually said, without shame, that he couldn't date a girl who was part of organized religion. I'm sorry, but WHAT? I realize the Jehovah's Witnesses really screwed up your vision of religion but that doesn't mean you should rule out every girl with a good set of morals and standards. I mean REALLY. And you said the Witnesses focused on tearing down other religions...but I bet they didn't talk about how wonderful and familial we are, either. Or how you don't have to be perfect all the time, or scared of God's wrath and the apocalypse every second of the day. Religion shouldn't be a scare tactic. It should be the island in the middle of an overwhelming ocean - a safe haven.

Apparently because I believe that, I've never got a shot with him. And you know what? Once I got home and was able to really think about that, I realized that he isn't as perfect as I thought he was. I'd romanticized him (and it's hard not to when he willingly danced and kissed in the rain with me) into something he wasn't. I'm starting to see that now. I don't want to turn him into a bad guy in my mind or anything, but I do need to strip him of his 'god-like' qualities so I can get over it and move on.

And that means I need to have another heart-to-heart with him to let him know that we are strictly friends from now on and nothing else. Nothing casual between us whatsoever. I'm better than that and I deserve more. I deserve a guy who can actually look me in the eye and say, "Yeah, a relationship sounds fine to me. Oh, you're a Christian? That's awesome!"

So, there you go. That's part one.

Part two is Christmas/New Years. Good Lord. I wasn't sure what to expect on Christmas. I didn't ask for much (or anything, really). All I really wanted was my guitar, and I got that a month ago. Aside from that, all I really wanted was a ticket to VidCon and books.

I got so much more and it was all equally amazing. Even now in a state of extreme financial difficulty, my family members managed to get me things I didn't even know I wanted until I had them. I was honestly and pleasantly surprised on Christmas day. :) I really do cherish my family. Yeah, I miss all those crazy wonderful folks out on the east coast, but I don't know what I'd do without my west coast family. I love how they all get me. I love that no matter what, I'll always fit in with my family.

Oh, and I DID get the ticket to VidCon. My cousin got me the full community pass and a ticket to the brunch in the middle of the convention. Zoie, Erin and I are sharing a hotel room near the Hyatt, but we need one more person to stay in our room so that we can all pay about $40-$60 for the entire hotel stay. Luckily, we've got a few months to find a fourth person...and the money for the hotel. :P

Now, New Years. My parents want me to go to the party at the Mildebrandts' (where I will get maybe a sip of alcohol), and Jenelle wants me to go to the party at Jenga's (where I will probably have one or two slightly-alcohol drinks)(gee, I'm exciting at parties). I really wanna go to Jenga's apartment. It's awesome there and it's really close to home. Plus, Nelle and I have agreed that at midnight, since neither of us have been kissed at midnight (and since both the boys we've been messing around with would never want to kiss us in front of other people), we're going to kiss at midnight. xD It'll be PERFECT. Though, I'm not sure how well it'll go. I'll probably chicken out at the last second, haha. I guess we'll see. If I can go to Jenga's party. *crosses fingers*

It's 2 AM and I have to be up by 10 at the latest, so I'm heading to bed. Good night, sweet dreams, and I'll write again soon.

You Know What's Coming

I keep blogging about Alex, and I'm sorry, but he's sort of become a constant in my life now. Him and Jenelle are pretty much the people I see the most on a regular basis. Now that Coco's back in town, though, I'll be seeing her a lot more often, too. :D

If you follow my twitter, you know the basics of what went on last night. It was probably the funniest/scariest conversation of my life. I realize some girls get away with it all the time and no one thinks twice about it, but I'm not one of those girls. I'm not the type to say, "Hey, let's run away together and get married and have fifty kids." But, my goodness, last night was incredible. I don't even remember how Jenelle and I got on the topic, but somehow we figured that if one of us had a kid, we could live together in a studio apartment (aptly named the Emerald City because everything we own will be green) on welfare, raising a baby as unlesbian lesbian mothers of an eyeless child (don't ask). This somehow turned into me sending Alex a text saying, "Okay Alex, it's time for us to make a child. Don't worry, Nelle and I will raise it on our own. We just want to raise a kid on welfare in the Emerald City."

Now, if you follow me on twitter, needless to say, Alex was all for this plan (which was surprising, 'cause if I was a dude and got that text, I'd be like, "Uh...see ya!"). I was definitely blushing a LOT whenever I got his responses to my ridiculous texts. But anyway, at the end of it, we decided we need to practice making a child before we actually make one because I have to be twenty before I get pregnant (gotta beat teen pregnancy, you know).

In short, Alex confirmed for me, in a roundabout way, that he wants to do me.

Which is awesome and all, but I doubt it's gonna happen any time soon because I'm still a firm believer in love before sex. So if he happens to fall desperately in love with me before January 30th, he's out of luck. :P

Also, and this is the most important thing, I want to be his girlfriend before anything like child-making happens. Well, being married before making a child would be preferable. But I want to be his girlfriend if he, um, wants to 'practice,' as he put it.

I'm not making myself sound very pure right now.

My intentions are good, I promise. I've got standards. I've got class, even. If he wants to do anything more than kiss me in the rain, he's gotta commit.

There we go. That's what I've been trying to say this entire time.

And I kinda sorta told him that. I told him he at least had to buy me dinner before we get around to baby making. And by that I meant, "You have to date me and be my boyfriend and fall in love with me first." :)

Anyway, Jenelle and Alex and I went midnight bowling after this fantastic conversation. Alex beat us the first game, and then I stepped it up and kicked them both to the curb in the second game. Alex said he was thirsty, so, inevitably, we ended up at Denny's at two in the morning eating seasoned fries. And apparently whenever I wasn't paying attention or in the bathroom, Jenelle and Alex were having interesting conversations about my butt. Jenelle filled me in on this afterward, of course. I was slightly disturbed. But that's okay. :P

Nelle and I had an impromptu sleepover last night, too. I immediately injured my lower back as soon as we got home from Denny's and she gave me a two hour massage. It was WONDERFUL. And we talked about everything. No shame, no embarrassment. Everything was out there. I've never been able to do that with a best friend before. Maybe it's just something about Jenelle that makes me open up more than I normally would. :)

Feeling Ridiculous

Seriously, these butterflies in my stomach come at the WEIRDEST times. When Alex first appeared on stage, but not when he was kneeling in front of me (back turned to me, so I got a great view of his ass) for an improv game. When he took one of my suggestions, but not when he hugged me after the show. When he met my sister, but not when I asked him to hang out with us after clean-up and goodbyes.

SO. WEIRD.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining. Some girls get super nervous all the time. I used to be like that around him. His name on my cell phone screen used to be enough to send me into cardiac arrest. Now it feels more natural. Maybe that's a good thing. The more natural I feel around him, the better off we'll be in the long run...if we become a 'we.'

You know what? I take it back. It's not weird. It's a blessing. :)

I'm Covered in Marker.

Last night was amazing. I finally got to see that Alex can be an ass. And you know what's weird? It made me like him more. 'Cause he's not perfect and he doesn't try to be. It's not like he was being serious, though. I do the same thing with Jenelle. I'll be mean to her and immediately apologize for it.

What else is weird is that I had this overwhelming desire to just pull him aside and hug him. All. Night. I don't mean hug him all night, I mean the desire was there all night. Anyway, it was ridiculous. He was just really cute. He always is. Even when he's being an ass, because he can't quite pull it off :P

I think the next time I see him will be Thursday. He's getting me into the NCT show for free. :))) He's reffing and Jason's gonna be the voice. I'm waaaaay excited. The two of them working together to control the show will be HILARIOUS.

I'm just feeling very happy and positive right now. :) Tomorrow I've got my sociology final (which should be a breeze because I love sociology and I remember a LOT of the earlier stuff), and on Thursday I've got guitar. I still don't know how to play the Bob Marley song, but Bekah and I are getting together tomorrow to practice. :)

OH, and I saw Lucy yesterday for the first time in MONTHS! I've missed her. :( I feel terrible because all the people back in Etown are the people I've been missing like crazy since May, and I've been missing Lucy since the summer, and she's been maybe fifteen minutes from me the entire time. I've decided to put a LOT more effort into seeing her before she leaves for Vanguard. The era of me being a crappy best friend is over. :)

That One Rain Post...

I feel I should explain, because unless you've heard the entirety of the song (which is no one besides Jenelle), you have NO CLUE what happened in my last blog.

After I blogged about writing that song about the rain, I wrote more lyrics and recorded a rough demo of what I want it to sound like. Here are the lyrics for your viewing pleasure, and as soon as I have a voice, I'll be recording the song, so you can hear it, too. :)

Tell me, can you feel it?
Drawing us closer, bit by bit
This could be worth everything
Babe, you know this could be something

Tell me, can you see it?
My hand in yours, a perfect fit
It may be raining outside
But when I look in your eyes, all I see is blue sky

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

I don't care that it's cold
So long as onto me you'll hold
As we dance through puddles
And this feeling inside me bubbles

It may be raining outside
But when I look in your eyes, all I see is blue sky

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

Soaked to the bone and loving it
Your arms keep me warm like a fire that's lit
I can't feel anything
When I'm with you
But light and joy and peace and, yeah, love too

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

:)))

Rainy Day Mondays

I can hardly believe this is real right now. I really can't. I don't think I've felt so unsure and exhilarated in my life. It's a funny thing to be unsure. On one hand, it's scary because you don't know where you are or what's going to happen, but on the other, it's an adventure that might lead to someplace I never even dreamed of.

Tonight, I did two things that I've always wanted to do. In fact, I just wrote a song about it less than a week ago. It all came true. Every last bit of it. We were drawn to each other bit by bit, my hands in his were a perfect fit, we danced in the rain, we kissed under thunderheads, we held onto each other and didn't care that it was cold, we definitely danced through a few puddles, we were more than soaked to the bone and loving it, and his arms did keep me warm.

It all came true and it was all more than perfect. It was nerdy, it was funny, it was full of tickling and laughter, and it was just...everything I wanted it to be.

Dancing in the rain is romanticized for a reason, folks. I suggest you drag the boy/girl you like outside right now and just go for it. You'll never have more fun in your life. :)

HEY, TWATWAFFLE.

I seriously can't handle any more stupid boys! Am I some sort of magnet for them? I swear to God, nearly every boy I EVER have any romantic interest in turns out to be idiotic, asshole-ish, clingy, and obnoxious.

I can't stand it anymore. I'm done fucking around with this stuff.

No, Matt, I don't want to fucking "chat sometime" with you on facebook and I DON'T want you following me on Twitter! There's a GODDAMN REASON I removed you from my friends list and my followers list!

GET THE FUCKING HINT.

You fucked up, now grow some balls and DEAL WITH IT. I'm DONE.

Rain

Sleep-deprived Karaline is a creatively inspired Karaline. I finished editing my vlog for today and while it uploaded to YouTube, I decided to catch up on sleep (I only got an hour or so last night). Only, when I tried to fall asleep, I was listening to the rain hitting my window, and I was sorta channeling Hey Monday (because I'd just been listening to them), and I ended up coming up with a really spectacular chorus for a song. I wrote down the words I came up with, but I didn't have enough of a voice to record the melody that I had...and now I can't remember what the melody was. :(

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

It's cute and passionate and I know the melody was freakin' awesome. As soon as I have a voice, I'm recording it and writing a song around it. I'll think of the melody eventually. :)

Why I Hate Groups

I am not what one would call a 'hard worker' when it comes to school. However, I am fairly organized and slightly OCD and a fair writer (I hope). That means, when the inevitable group project comes up, I'm always the one that ends up working my ass off to make a presentation, write the synopsis paper, and keep everyone organized.

This time, I'm sick. I can't stay up all night trying to make everything perfect for this presentation. I need SLEEP. I need cooperation. I need people to send me their goddamn information for the paper. Am I getting any of this? NO.

And that it why I hate groups.

*bows* *goes back to bullshitting the synopsis paper*

Christmas Song + Deadlines = Oh Noes!

Was just recently informed that I have a little over a week to write a holiday-themed song. If you know me, then you also know that this may just kill me.

I wrote my very first song a while back (maybe a month or so ago) and it took a week to get lyrics and a melody. I am STILL trying to figure out the guitar part and it's been WEEKS (although, I think I came up with something the other day that will entail lots of practice over winter break).

Since I usually am more creatively productive while I'm writing on here, I figured I'd give the lyrics a shot and work with what I get.

I want it to be about Nerdfighters at Christmastime...so, here goes...

Sitting by the empty fireplace
All Caps CD still in its case
It's December again, you see
Like every year, I'm lonely
No one to be in nerdfighterlike with
That doesn't matter when I see my gift

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But lemme tell you,
There's nothing better than
A Nerdfighter Christmas

Popcorn reading of Paper Towns
Discussing politics of Watership Downs
Chewbacca hanging from my tree
The troll atop is a mystery
And with all of this
Comes loads of nerdy bliss

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But lemme tell you,
There's nothing better than
A Nerdfighter Christmas

I'll never be alone again
Not when I've got the internet
YouTube let's me see all my friends
And those I stalk (though they don't know it yet)
I can visit Pennsylvania
And still be in California

This is my Nerdfighter Christmas song
To let you know I've missed you all along
In reality, this was a challenge
I'll instead turn it into a pledge
With love to ya'll I say:
I'll never FTBA!

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But for Nerdfighters at Christmas
It's just another day.

Rrrrraaaaawwwwrrrr

I'm going to take a minute to go on a grammar rant. It's been building up inside me this entire week and I'm about to explode if I don't say something about it.

To prologue this story, I was told that one of my OneMadlibSummer cohorts had left a controversial comment on a Miley Cyrus video and I foolishly sifted through three pages of comments to find it. I gave up after a while because of one commenter.

Now, I've learned my lesson about YouTube comments and trending topics on twitter (usually, the trending topic is the only thing spelled correctly)(although, I did see one called 'youknowyouruglywhen', to which I replied, "My ugly did WHAT?"). I avoid comments at all costs because it just makes me sad. Truth be told, I recanted my idea of becoming an English teacher because I knew I would have to deal with mostly illiterate teenagers and I knew I couldn't handle that. I would seriously throw a fit. Like this:
"Here, Miss Stamper, here's my paper."
"You dumbass, the period goes at the end of the sentence."
"There isn't a period there."
"I know. You need one."
"But that isn't the end of the sentence."
"It should be. Learn your grammar rules."
"You're still teaching them to us."
"Yeah? Well, I learned proper grammar when I was in second grade. BE ASHAMED."
"*cries*"

I digress.

As I was saying, there was one commenter on this Miley Cyrus video (Party in the USA) that made me want to run around the street naked while pulling out clumps of my hair. The big debate going on (I say this as if it was more than half-literate idiots arguing over Miley's leg-spreading habits) was about Miley's outfit in the video. In case you're intelligent and haven't watched the music video, she's wearing short shorts, cowboy boots, and a semi low cut shirt that sometimes shows her bra. Everyone was talking about her outfit like it was a national emergency. ("OMG, Miley Cyrus is SEVENTEEN and has BOOBS.") Many were defending her, many were criticizing her, and many were masturbating. There was one girl defending her that really caught my eye. Not because she was coming up with any brilliant reasons why Miley shouldn't be called a hussy, but because she commented the same thing about every hour or so.

The gist of her argument was this (and grammatically correct because I honestly can't reproduce the garbage she came up with): Miley's not a whore, she just likes to dress cute. I wear the same things as she does in this video and it's not because I'm a whore, it's because I'm cute and guys like it.

My immediate response (and this even beat out the fact that she basically just called herself a whore) was this, "If you're not a whore, then don't spell like one."
I realized later that she was being contradictory in her argument and added that to the list of things I'd like to tell her.

I'm not going to get into the Miley debate because I couldn't care less about what she wears or how she dances. I don't like Miley and her song nearly made my ears bleed (I muted my speakers about a minute into the video so I could read poorly written comments in peace), but I seriously don't care what she wears. Every other Disney kid has become a hugely famous yet inappropriate star. She's just following the trend.
What I want to get into is the actual art of debating. Rhetoric, if you will. In my opinion, if you want to be taken seriously in any written debate or argument, your writing must be impeccable (i.e. little to no spelling/grammar mistakes; proficiency in vocabulary). Even if we're talking about just how short Miley's shorts are, if you come at me with this: 'your just gellous cuz ur not as preti as her,' I'm going to punt whatever tiny animal you may own. And I know you own a tiny animal. You need something to think for you, you brain-dead sycophant.
The point is, even if your argument is full of holes and circles and false information, if you present it well in written words, I'll take it seriously. It doesn't have to be good enough to earn an A in an honors English class, it just has to be structured, spelled correctly, and grammatically sound. That's it. That's all I'm asking for.

Is that really such a tall order, English speakers of the world? I realize our public education sucks more than the malaria epidemic in Bangladesh, but if you just sit down with a book, or pay attention in English class every so often, I PROMISE you, you WILL learn how to write/speak correctly. (I also suggest you avoid YouTube comments, trending topics on twitter, and most things posted on myspace/facebook.)

/rant

Last NaNo Blog, I Swear!

Tomorrow, I'll be printing out the first ten pages of my nano novel ("The Imperfect Mirror") and taking a red pen to it (only not really because all I have is black ink pens :D). I'm going to rip those first ten (approximately) pages to shreds and piece it all back together in an attempt to make it better/longer/captivating. I also have to rework some characterization so there aren't too many unanswered questions at the end.

I mentioned on facebook that I already have scenes planned out for the sequel, but I'm going to try and resist the temptation to start writing it until I've gone through at least half of the first draft (~70 pages). I'll be working ten pages at a time (more or less, depending on the content) and I'm going to take as much time as possible going over it all. I'm going to let other people read it and critique it and I'm going to take their ideas and mash them in where I see fit. And once I finish all 136 1/2 pages, I'm going to go through it again and make sure everything makes sense and that there aren't any glaring plotholes, inconsistencies, fluff, or typos. I suppose I will then go over it one more time (maybe two more times, depending on how I'm feeling) and consider sending the manuscript to a publishing company. I'll need an agent so my work doesn't end up in a slush pile, and that'll be expensive, so God only knows when this whole publishing scheme/idea could take place. If it takes place. But wouldn't it be cool to see my own novel chilling on the shelves of Barnes and Noble? #dreams

If I did all this correctly (and I probably didn't because I'm not the greatest with math), I'll probably still be editing and writing the sequel while I'm enrolled in a creative writing class and later on, hopefully, a novel writing class. All of this will be happening at the same time as NaNoEdMo (which I signed up for today--it's in March and the goal is to log 50 hours of editing time in one month), which will either be helpful or distracting. I guess I'll find out. :P

I've been making a list of all the things I want to do during editing:
1. Make it suitable for a Young Adult label.
2. Make it funnier.
3. Make it as interesting and hard to put down as a John Green novel.

For this, I'll need a LOT of help from friends and family. I think I know what I have to do to make it Young Adult, so I can do that mostly on my own; however, making it funnier and more captivating will all depend on the people I let read it. I'm approaching quite a few different types of readers with it, so I should get a lot of suggestions and I'm really, really excited about it. I know Nicole will help me make it comedic, and I know Dylan and Bekah will help me make it more interesting, and I know Jenelle will help with characterization and reality checks (she's already doing this--God bless her), and everyone else will probably help with everything.

I think the hardest part about this entire thing is putting my work out there where anyone can see it. My family can see it, and I know they'll be proud of me for actually writing it, but will they be proud of what I've written? My friends will read it and tell me their honest opinions and give me pointers and ideas. People I don't know will read it and judge it and judge me and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I'm still at that age where the opinions of the people around me really matter. I get upset over YouTube comments, for God's sake. Can you imagine what I'd do if I got an email from someone telling me they hated the book I slaved over for months/years? I don't know how published authors do it. Just look at JK Rowling. She was persecuted by Christians (even though she IS Christian) for writing about magic (God forbid *eye roll*). I don't know WHAT I would do if that happened to me (because, of course, the biggest controversy in my novel deals with Magicians)(not to mention the fact that there's sex and alcohol and underage drinking and seduction and rock n' roll).

There's a lot to think about over the next few months. I'm both excited for them and dreading them. You may not see me very much during it all, and I'll apologize in advance for that. I was almost a shut-in during November (though half of that was because I have a really terrible cold), and writing 50,000 words was probably the easiest thing in the world for me to do. Now I have to edit 70,000 words, take two English classes (which will both require papers every week about), and take another 9 credits on top of that. The next six months will be tough for sure, but I know I can make it through. :)

Not sure how much blogging I'll be doing after this, so I guess I'll close with a typical, "See you later!"

And now for a 2000 word snippet of my NaNoWriMo novel. :)

Aiden was out of water. In fact, he had been out of water for days. He gnawed on his last bit of food and tried to chew and swallow it slowly to make it last, but he was too hungry and exhausted. It was all gone. There were no creatures, no water, nothing around him at all but more mountains. He had been going for days on end and there was absolutely nothing there but dirt, rock, and dry shrubs.
“Mountains,” he snorted, sitting in a valley to keep the burning sun off his dirt streaked face. “Who invented these?”
He leaned back against the next mountain he was supposed to climb and started giggling to himself.
“Inventing mountains. Really. What a ridiculous idea. Lakes and rivers I can understand, but mountains?”
He laughed a little more about it and settled down, closing his eyes. He started dreaming, even though he was still awake, and he saw a man sitting on the clouds, playing with clay and forming a miniature version of the world. The man examined his ball of clay and carefully started making little mountains on the surface of the ball.
Wetness touched Aiden’s mouth and his dry, swollen tongue automatically stretched out to lick his lips. The liquid tasted salty and metallic, and it was thicker than water, but it was liquid. More dribbled onto his lips and he lapped up as much as he could. A drop of it fell on his hand and he opened his eyes and looked down.
Blood. He’d been drinking his own blood.
His stomach lurched and he leaned over and choked and gagged and heaved, losing the last bit of food he’d had. He groaned and wiped his mouth. His hand came away bloody and he realized numbly that his nose was probably bleeding.
“I gotta…” he gasped, scrambling to his feet. “I gotta…go…water…”
Using the side of the mountain as a crutch, he stumbled along its base, tripping over every bush and rock in his path. One stone caught him by surprise and he went toppling into the dirt, scraping his face and hands and knees. Groaning, he pushed himself up onto his hands and knees, and started crawling impossibly slowly. All he knew was that he needed water. He didn’t know where to look for it, but he needed it and he thought he could crawl forever if only he could find some water. Dignity be damned.
It was a struggle to keep his heavy limbs moving forward, a few inches at a time, but he kept at it, his head hanging and his nose bleeding, and the whole of his body aching with exhaustion and starvation.
A rushing sound filled his ears and he nearly cried out. He knew that sound. He’d lost consciousness a few times in his life and he always heard that sound before it happened. Next, the black dots would fill his vision from the side and he would know no more.
A peculiar thing happened then. The sound stopped. With the last of his energy, he lifted his head and looked right into the mouth of a cave, and there, standing just a few feet in front of him, was the girl with the electric blue eyes.
“Aiden?” she whispered.
The sound returned and he gasped and fell forward as the black dots invaded.

“ALEXA! JANIE! COME QUICKLY!”
Alexa and Janie’s heads snapped up as the flap of their tent flew open. Oriana looked in on them with wide, terror-filled eyes.
“It’s Aiden. He’s dying.”
Janie was up in a flash and pushing past Oriana. Alexa was hot on her heels. They ran through the city to reach the front entrance. Nikki and Sebastian were already beside their longtime brother and friend, holding his hands. He was scraped and bruised and covered in blood and vomit, but none of that phased Janie and Alexa. They fell to their knees beside him and started doing everything in their power to bring him back to consciousness and stop his bleeding.
Oriana caught up to them, out of breath, and stopped at Aiden’s feet.
“There was blood everywhere when I found him. He’s lost too much.”
“Go get water,” Janie snapped. “Lots of it.”
Oriana nodded and turned to run to the well in the center of camp. Once she was gone, Alexa shook her head.
“She’s right. He’s barely alive as it is.”
“Stop the bleeding and we can work on that,” Janie replied shortly, refusing to believe that Aiden, one of her favorite Warriors, would die right in front of her. She wouldn’t believe that there was nothing she could do. Until the last breath left his body, she wouldn’t stop trying to save him.
Oriana returned with Marid, who immediately turned pale white upon seeing Aiden.
“Oh, you sad idiot,” he murmured. “You tried to find us on your own.”
Janie snatched the bucket of water from Oriana and dumped half of it on Aiden’s head. His eyes flew open and he croaked something out.
“Sit him up,” Janie barked. Alexa and Nikki scrambled to get him into a sitting position and Aiden groaned in pain with every movement. Janie ignored his complaints, pulled his mouth open, and lifted the bucket to his lips. He gulped down as much water as he could manage and pulled back once he’d had enough.
“Food,” he mumbled, his eyes closing again.
“There’s nothing made right now,” Oriana said before Janie could even look at her.
“How soon could something be made?”
“Twenty minutes at best.”
“Go. Make something as quickly as possible.”
Oriana nodded dutifully and dashed away to find a cooking Witch.
Marid kneeled down in front of Aiden and grabbed hold of one of his hands.
“Aid, buddy, talk to me. What’re you doing out here?”
“Finding you,” Aiden breathed, his eyelids flickering feebly. “Magicians don’t lie. Says so in every history book. I figured you had it right, Lex.”
“So you left? How long ago?”
“Over a week.”
“When did you run out of water?”
“Uh…uh…I think four days ago.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. It’s a miracle you’re still alive. After three days, people become delusional,” said Alexa, propping Aiden’s head on her shoulder.
“Stay awake, Aid. When did you run out of food?”
“Today,” he mumbled, quickly losing consciousness again.
Janie bit her lip and handed the bucket to Marid.
“Make him drink more. I’ll be back.”
She left them and disappeared into the camp. Nikki opened Aiden’s mouth and Marid put the bucket to his lips. Aiden drank the rest of the water in the pale and immediately passed out on Alexa. Silent tears were streaming down Nikki’s cheeks.
“He’s not gonna make it,” she whispered, holding one of Aiden’s hands in both her own. Sebastian put an arm around her and kissed the side of her head.
“No, he’s not. But at least he’ll have died honorably and as a true Warrior.”
Alexa and Marid looked at each other, communicating silently. Someone needed to clean up whatever mess Aiden had left behind and it needed to happen soon. Creatures were attracted to blood and they didn’t know if Aiden had been followed or not. If he hadn’t been, they still couldn’t leave a blood trail leading right to the Magicians’ front door.
Marid kept his voice low and said, “After he passes.”
“I’ll go with you.”
He didn’t fight her and she silently thanked him for it.
Aiden’s stomach growled long and low, but Janie and Oriana still hadn’t come back. The four of them waited in torturous silence, listening to the inconsistent shallow breaths of their dying brother. Janie and Oriana appeared between the tents, carrying between them some sort of basket, but as they ran up the hill to them, Aiden’s last breath rattled to a stop.
Nikki put a hand over her mouth to stifle her sobs and Sebastian held her tightly, rocking her slowly, back and forth. Marid sat back on his heels and landed on his butt, his eyes wide and glazed over.
“No!” Janie screamed, dropping her side of the basket to run the rest of the way up to them. “No! Aiden!”
Alexa quickly pulled Marid over to hold Aiden and got up to restrain Janie.
“Janie, stop. Janie, listen to me. There’s nothing we could do. Please, Janie, calm down. Sit down, at least. Janie…Janie…”
And finally, after a minute of coaxing her, Janie sagged into Alexa and cried for the loss of her friend.

Jon was leading the Hunters through a valley when his creature darted forward unexpectedly and started cantering faster. The other two creatures were doing the same, taking the control from the Warriors. The Hunters started sprinting to catch up with them.
The first creature reached a spot right next to a mountain and stopped short, nearly throwing Jon forward into the side of the mountain. Clutching the creature for dear life, Jon looked down at the ground and groaned. Not only was there blood, which the creatures had initially been attracted to, but there was also a pile of sick right next to it.
Snuffling with its nose close to the ground, the creature stepped forward carefully, following a sparse trail of blood until it stopped abruptly at the face of another mountain. The trail itself was about two hundred feet long.
“He was definitely here. How he made it this far with the amount of blood he had to have lost is beyond me,” said Jon, gazing around at his surroundings suspiciously. “Either someone found him and carried him away, or he found enough strength to send himself to the Regular world. I highly doubt the second option.”
Valerie clomped up beside him and looked around as well.
“Then we must be close.”
“There are no signs of civilization anywhere around here,” said David from behind them. “Magicians gotta drink water, too. We need to find a water source and then we’ll find the Magicians.”
“Right. Well, Aiden was heading this way. Maybe he knew there was water this way,” Jon mused.
“It’s worth a shot. C’mon.”
Valerie took the lead through the winding valley before them. The last of the Hunters was passing by when the mouth of the tunnel opened up. Marid and Alexa held their breath, preparing for the Hunters to realize that they’d heard something behind them, but they never turned back. They waited a good ten minutes anyway before they stepped out into the open just in case one of them looked back at all.
“He was being followed,” Marid murmured, creeping out of the tunnel with Alexa directly behind him.
“No shit. Look. The Warriors are leading them.”
Marid glanced over his shoulder and saw Jon, Valerie, and David riding atop huge black creatures.
“Hm. David doesn’t look to happy to be here, does he?”
“Well, he is stuck with Val.”
He chuckled and started erasing the trail of blood by scuffing the dirt with his feet. Alexa followed his lead and started doing the same a little further down the trail. Marid reached where she started and he checked his work before going to meet her at the end. She was holding her nose and facing away from the vomit on the ground.
“Oh, gross. How do we clean that up?” he asked.
Alexa shook her head and Marid sighed and looked around for something he could use to spread it around. Marla came crunching along at that moment with a frown on her lips.
“Need something to disappear?”
“Yeah, this stuff. You wanna check the blood trail, too, to make sure it’s all gone?”
“Oh, the blood’s gone, but it’s pretty obvious it’s been scrubbed out. Take a branch off a bush and make it look a bit more natural while I take care of this.”
“Gladly,” Alexa muttered, moving away from the puke as quickly as she could to find a bush.
Twenty minutes later, the three of them met back up at the entrance to the tunnel and gazed wordlessly out at the valley in front of them. The Warriors and Hunters were barely visible in the distance, but it didn’t look like they were going to turn around any time soon, so they went into the tunnel, closed the entrance, and started back to the city for an impromptu funeral.

NaNoWriMo Part 2

I changed the plot a bit. And the names. :P Here it goes:

Alexa begins the revolution in the middle of Court and calls in Magicians
Marid, Sebastian, and Nikki go over to Alexa's side
Eli goes with Alexa on principle alone
After rebels are gone, Janie leaves, too
Janie contacts Alexa (don't know how yet) and is brought into hiding
Alexa and the Warriors and Eli go into hiding in the Wizard City. Alexa and Marid's relationship is clarified during this two or three month process.
News of Aeris' corruption leaks to the public of the Shadow Realm
Shadow People start whispering and grumbling
Aeris has the Hunters and Warriors slaughter hundreds of the most rebellious people
Aiden leaves the Warriors and strikes out on his own in search for Alexa and the Magicians
Aiden dies during a creature attack/allergies
After finding Aiden's body (and not being able to heal it), Alexa goes out into the open with her 'freedom fighters'
The two sides clash and are fairly even in strength, but not in numbers. The Magicians make up for lack of population.
Unexpected allies arrive to fight for Jenny (creatures? Folk?)
Aeris disappears the second the odds aren't in her favor
The battle ends and every Healer available to the rebels goes to work
Alexa is interrupted in the middle of a healing and is told someone has specially requested an audience with her
Alexa goes to the outskirts of the rebel camp with Marla and Balthy and meets Jon, who says he was wrong, blah blah blah, and asks if he can join the cause.

It'll probably change again, but whatever. This worked out well and helped develop the romance between Sebastian and Nikki that I knew was going to be there from the beginning. I'm still not sure how to make Alexa and Marid just friends, but maybe I don't have to. I could always go with the cliche love triangle, but I kinda wanna do something different. I guess it all depends on Jon. I've got his character - mostly. Sometimes, I don't know what he'll do. I think I should do some more research into my own characters. :P

Hell Hath No Fury

This will probably have a few grammar/spelling errors in it because it's 4 AM and I'm too tired to go back and edit stupid mistakes. I'll try my best, though.

If you've been reading this blog lately, you'll know about the post where I compared myself to Cinderella. Well, bitches, Cinderella struck back tonight! And not even on purpose. :P

So, there was an improv show tonight and, as always, there was a party afterward. At this party, which I said I really didn't wanna drink at, I had ONE Smirnoff Ice (which was fantastic, by the way, I highly recommend them if you're a girly-girl, lightweight, or flamboyantly gay man), and I didn't have anything else for the rest of the night. And I drank it slowly while eating cheese puffs, so I didn't even feel anything.

You might be wondering why I'm justifying this. I'll explain now: When I am drinking, I'm a very loving person. Hence me making out with two separate guys at two separate parties while intoxicated. So, maybe not loving. Whore-ish.

So they started playing pong in the pong room, and we hung around until the end of the first game and then most of us left for the living room (most of us being girls). There were about three or four guys in there with us and we were having bunches of awkward conversations. Blah blah blah. Eventually, this guy Kyle and I just started flirting very openly with each other (but not really seriously. It was more of a playful thing, like how I used to play-flirt with Nick back in Etown.). At some point, I stole his seat while he was getting another beer. The Boy (aka Alex aka the Prince mentioned in that emo blog) was sitting on the other couch with a Claire, Jen, and a guy whose name I THINK is Steven. Kyle comes back out of the kitchen and kinda gapes at me incredulously, so I give him the sign for suck it and tell him to sit on my lap if he's going to be so butt hurt about it.

He does this. And, I know this makes me sound like a horrible person, but I was elated for the rest of the night because Alex didn't genuinely smile for at least ten minutes. I realized that I did the same exact thing to him that he did to me while Kyle was sitting on my lap, and on one hand, I felt like a bitch, and on the other, I felt like a victorious bitch.

Kyle got up after a wonderful conversation about how many gallons of little children we can fit into our respective trunks (please don't ask me to explain this. It's really fucked up), and I made a show about how I'd lost feeling in one of my legs. Steven got up and went outside to smoke, and Claire, being ridiculous, moved over to my couch in an attempt to seduce me (but not really). I grabbed a pillow and put it between us, but Alex invited me to sit on the couch with him and Jen.

So...yeah. I win. I totally fucking win.

Who knew Cinderella could be a vindictive bitch? :P

Halloween Cards

I got two cards in the mail from Elisabeth (aka Best Roomie Ever) the other day and one of them really meant a lot to me, even though I doubt she meant to do that.

The card reads: How do we know Halloween pumpkins are male? Their heads are empty, they have mush for brains, and after a few days they start to smell funny.

She added this: True story! My addition? The beauty and awe only lasts so long. They easily go rotten.

I'm pretty sure she was referencing our ridiculous pumpkins from last year (that we kinda forget about and they, in turn, rotted from the inside out and turned a sickly white color), but it made me think of all my boy drama. With Matt, the illusion that he was perfect only lasted for so long (a very long time, but still not very long). And Mike only lasted a couple weeks before his true colors came out. Alex, though, had me captured. But, as she said, the beauty and awe only lasts so long. I don't know what I did, or if I did anything. But I guess that's over now.

I'm still determined to be optimistic. I'm only nineteen and I've got plenty of time to find a guy who will actually have the balls to hold onto me.

So, thanks Lis'beth. Your card meant more to me than you know. :)

NaNoWriMo

So, I did all that work on my nanowrimo story, and now I have nothing to do because I don't want to rush through this month. I know I can write 50,000 words in a matter of a week, but I don't want to do that this time. I'm gonna take my time, live out the rest of the month at a slower pace, and finish the story.

I've got 85% of it planned, now that I think about it. That's probably why I finished almost 18 pages today. I've still gotta work out an ending.

I'm not going to give out any spoilers, but I've got the entire thing planned up until the Queen's Ball, which is right before the revolution begins. (Now that I think about it, I need to rewrite one scene to fix the time line.) I've got every bit of dialogue for the beginning of the revolution, but I'm not sure how to pull off the action sequences. They're not my strong point. Anyway, I've got it planned up until that point, and from there I have no idea where I'm going. I know one character needs to choose between Aeris and Jenny (Or, really, Marid)at some point, but I don't know which way he'll go yet. Either way, in the end he has to end up on Jenny's side (maybe Percy Weasley style) and come clean about his past in an effort to make up for being such an ass throughout the entirety of the story. Or maybe he'll show up on the last page and...

Oooh, I love blogging just for this. If I just sit here and write down every idea as it comes to mind, it's a lot easier to figure out what I want to do.

So...

Jenny begins the revolution in the middle of Court (before the examination process)
Marid leaves Warriors to fight with Jenny and the Magicians
Magicians hold Aeris and Warriors back so Marid and Jenny can escape
Eli doesn't know what to do, so he does nothing
Jenny and Marid go into hiding in both the Regular and Shadow world. Their relationship is clarified during this two or three month process.
Nikki, Janie and Sebastian find them and join their cause
News of Aeris' corruption leaks to the public of the Shadow Realm
Shadow People start whispering and grumbling
Aeris has the Hunters and Warriors slaughter hundreds of the most rebellious people
Aiden leaves the Warriors and strikes out on his own in search for Jenny and the Magicians
Aiden dies creatively (will think of something later)
After finding Aiden's body (and not being able to heal it), Jenny goes out into the open with her 'freedom fighters'
The two sides clash and are fairly even in strength, but not in numbers. The Magicians make up for lack of population.
Unexpected allies arrive to fight for Jenny (creatures? Folk?)
Aeris disappears the second the odds aren't in her favor
The battle ends and every Healer available to the rebels goes to work
Jenny is interrupted in the middle of a healing and is told someone has specially requested an audience with her
Jenny goes to the outskirts of the rebel camp with Marla and Balthy and meets Jon, who says something surprising that I haven't thought of yet.

And that will be the end.

I'll have to force myself not to skip over the action and battle scenes. I hate writing them because I'm much better at dialogue and person-to-person interaction. I've forced myself to write scenes I would normally skip over already, so it shouldn't be too hard to kick my own ass about it. :P

And now that I've got that planned, I really want to write it. But I'm not going to. I'm going to let it simmer in my mind for a while. You never know, I may just come up with something better. :)

Song Titles Are a Bitch.

List of possible titles so far:

Fiber (What we lovingly call it now...just so we can make fun of it)
Ballad in E Minor (Because it's not a ballad, nor is it in E minor)
Worth It (Sounds a little too emo for me)
Collaboration Rhyming (Because, truthfully, that's what it was)
Questions for the Healer
Chance, Glance, Dance, Romance (A suggestion of four rhyming words given to me)
Pope Groping (...This really can't be explained)(Is also Jenelle's favorite)
Hope for the Broken
Hope for the Brokenhearted
Saved By Words

I'm taking it to a vote. Let me know which one you like the most. :)

Brass In Pocket

That freakin' song is so inspiring.

Anyway, I decided today to just start talking music with Alex. I opened it up with blaming him for my sudden addiction to I Believe in a Thing Called Love and from there we just talked...music. And it was good. So I'm just going on with my life. One day, he'll get it. I've learned that some boys just need time to realize what they have in front of them. So I'll wait this one out and take all the tears and impatience.

I just have a feeling it will all be worth it in the end.

That's part of why I'm still going with this song I'm writing. I wrote the guitar part for it last night, and I was going to bring it into class today to show Benedetti, but I was up late last night waging war on YouTube, so I slept through my alarm. Oh well. I've got the guitar part, now I just need to write the melody.

This should be interesting. :)

Look What We've Got, A Fairytale Plot

I don't even know where to start.

It was all so good yesterday. And then I felt like Cinderella when the clock struck 12.

It doesn't matter that we've got no attachments, or that she's apparently a floozy. All that matters is that said floozy was all over the prince and the prince wasn't drunk and the prince was perfectly comfortable with it.

And that makes Cinderella sob outside on the sidewalk, suddenly completely sober and very aware of the pain coursing through her. But all of Cinderella's friends and acquaintances surround her and hug her and tell her everything will work out. One or two of them offer to beat up the prince. But Cinderella says no because the prince doesn't deserve to be beaten up just because he changed his preference in girls.

And that was when Cinderella realized that life is never a fairytale and every prince that comes along is still just a stupid boy in the end.

Song Writing? Che?!

Yes, indeed, inspiration has struck me in the ass again, and this time it gave me the first two lines of a song. And I was left to figure out the rest on my own. But I didn't settle for that. I turned around and bitch slapped inspiration and asked six girls for words that rhymed with the two I'd already gotten.

Eventually, I had compiled a fairly sizable list of words and turned it into something poetic-ish:

I’m fighting this feeling
With every fiber of my being
Staring up at the ceiling
Nothing’s all I’m seeing
Into sleep I am stealing
Your face while I’m dreaming
In the freefall I’m reeling
You’ve got me healing

Now, I realize I wrote my last poem for The Boy. That was simply expressing how I felt about him, though. This is going to be something very different.

I told The Boy the Story about the Twatwaffle. And his response was...well, perfect. "Holy shit!...It's people like that that give men bad, horrible names....If I were you, I'd run background checks on every guy you want to date from now on..." And the like. I told him I was being careful now, but I don't think he knows how careful.

Yeah, I joke around saying that we're going to get married, but I know the likelihood of that is very slim. Sure, he's perfect, but I'm almost twenty and I'm still healing from what happened two months ago. In other words, I have a lot of stuff to do before I can seriously consider saying that I'm going to marry someone.

I digress.

I want this song to show how careful I'm being, but at the same time, I want it to show how un-careful I WANT to be. Also, it's probably going to show how he just wiggled his way under my defenses. I can't help being careless around him, but I also can't help all my instincts telling me that I need to be cautious. After all, he's a boy. I barely know him, but I know he's one of the good ones. Nevertheless, that could change at any moment, and I'm still not sure if he's worth the risk.

I keep asking myself:
Is he worth it?
Are you worth it?
Can I be me around you
Or should I be someone else?

I may have to tweak that so it rhymes more.

I knew blogging would be good for me. I need to get all my thoughts out so I can shove them into poetic form.

I could risk falling
But now I'm stalling
I know it's appalling
That I keep on calling

I keep asking myself:
Is he worth it?
Are you worth it?
Am I good enough on my own
Or do I need to change for you?

I'm fighting this feeling
But every fiber of my being...
Is remembering another time
Another touch
Of one I loved
And I can't help but ask myself:

Is he worth it?
Are you worth it?
Will it hurt like before
Or will it make the pain go away?

Zombies: A Guidebook

Today, I give you two sets of guidelines.

In becoming a zombie for a short period of time:
1. If you get liquid latex and you plan on wearing it for a long time, bring extra with you.
2. You don't tie your shoelaces. Ever. Not even after the walk has ended. You will be shunned by other zombies.
3. NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, put adhesive near or around your hair.
4. If you are using plastic 'wounds' and adhering them with latex/glue, make sure you either have more adhesive with you or make sure there is no chance that you will begin to sweat.
5. Get a theme to your zombie. Figure out how you died and run with it. Nothing is too extreme.
6. Always get extra makeup. You may not use it, but get it anyway.
7. Buy the baby powder with the makeup. Trust me.
8. Once zombified, do your damndest to scare the shit out of as many people as possible no matter where you are.
9. Wear comfortable shoes.
10. Stay in character. Zombies don't smile. They groan and moan. A lot. Constant groaning for brains and other unintelligible things is okay.

If zombies are attacking the earth:
1. Grab as many guns, knives, shears, and swords as you can get.
2. GET OUT. Keep moving and don't stay in one place for too long.
3. Don't take a bunch of food with you. Steal what you need and barter if you have to.
4. You need a vehicle that's large enough to roll over zombies and other cars without problem, but also something fuel efficient and not liable to roll over if you take a turn too fast.
5. Double tap.
6. Each night, conduct a thorough search of every body in the party. If anyone's bleeding from a bite wound, kill them.
7. Make sure there is at least one straight male and one straight female in your party.
8. If you're not in shape, you better get there.
9. Humans, when panicked, are stupid. Look out for the stupid ones and the zombies. One or the other will probably kill you.
10. There's probably no hope that all the zombies will be killed off for good. But just keep kicking ass and hope that one day the plague will be killed off. Then procreate like crazy.

There you go. Twenty simple rules.

:D

Nacirema

Isn't it funny how you don't recognize yourself until you're face-to-face with a mirror?

I read this really weird article on these people called the Nacirema for sociology class. They believe in magic and have special rituals. They believe that the body is ugly and easily diseased. They believe the mouth is sacred and clean it every day and go to a holy-mouth-man twice a year so they can have magic powders put in and on their teeth. They keep their bodily functions a secret. They pay healer men to see them and prescribe cleansing medicines which they much then pick up from the apothecary, whom they also pay. The women stick their heads in small ovens for an hour each month or more. The men scrape the hair off their faces with sharp objects. Women hide their pregnancies because sex is a taboo'd topic. And their ideal set of breasts is described as 'hypermammary'.

Weird, right? Why would people think or believe or do this stuff?

But then you take a closer look.

Nacirema = American, backwards.

We do this stuff. We brush our teeth every morning to keep our mouths clean. We pay doctors to look at us, and then we pay the pharmacy for the medicine that will make us better. We keep our bodily functions a secret (for the most part) from others. Men shave. Women get their hair dyed professionally and have to sit under the 'oven' for an hour. And if our ideal of perfect breasts wasn't so abnormally large, why is plastic surgery so common? If we didn't all think ourselves ugly, why would we cover our faces with make up, and why would we dye our hair, and why would we pay so much to have our very face structure changed with surgery?

We are those weird, image-obsessed people.

Banned Book Week

John Green deserves an award of some sort. EVERY SINGLE ONE of his books is on the list this year. So I'm going to read all of them (for the second or fourth time). And then I'm going to go to the library and pick up as many banned books as I can get my hands on.

And after Banned Book Week, I'm going to go to Julian and get me some apple pie. Ahh, banned books and apple pie.

Life doesn't get better than this. :)

Um...?

So, today was a good day to get wasted.

I, unfortunately, did NOT get wasted.

Let me list the reasons why I really wanted to drink an entire handle of vodka today:

1. Matt was at the concert.
2. He brought his girlfriend who doesn't know I slept with him.
3. We were stuck in a tiny church and then a tiny condo together.
4. We were almost stuck in a tiny backstage area together.
5. The concert had been planned for months, and rehearsed for four days.
6. Jenelle and I memorized our duet piece about three hours before the performance.
7. I had to improvise notes on one of the group pieces because the first time I saw the music was yesterday.
8. I couldn't wear a bra with my dress.
9. I had to wait for Matt to leave the table to say hi to his mom because I actually like her.
10. I think I may have offended Alex. Either that, or he just didn't know what to say in response.

But, all in all, it wasn't a terrible day. Alcohol definitely would have helped. A lot.

I didn't talk to Matt. The most I did was nod or make noises/gestures. I did not say one word to him.

How fuckin' dedicated am I?! xD

Uh-Oh.

I like to keep my mom in the loop when it comes to my love life. Because otherwise, she'll bitch at me for being bitchy when it's not going well. So, of course, I told her about Alex. I told her just about everything, aside from the fact that we got drunk and kissed. Apparently I mentioned how much work my stomach does whenever I think about him.

I got home last night after a night of exploration and adventure, and she was sitting on the couch watching Glen Beck. I waited for a commercial break, then I told her how I'd told Alex I liked him and how he'd been super cute with his reply and how we both have a lot of crap to work through before anything can happen.

And then she looked at me and said, "Just so you know, the fact that your heart flutters when you're around him means you're over Matt. You have moved on and your attention is elsewhere."

Which means I don't have quite as much to get through as I originally thought.

BUT I do still need to do some things before I'm fully ready to be involved with anyone. I'm actually kinda proud of myself for slowing down like this and doing so many self-evaluations.

I've made a list of things to get done:
1. Talk to Matt.
2. Attempt not to castrate him.
3. Be sure Alex and I are compatible as friends first.
4. Get back into school mode, because missing three days was NOT good.
5. Write a song before Taylor Swift gets to it first and blows my mind again.

When I say 'talk to Matt,' I don't mean try and work things out between the two of us. I'm not going to subject myself to that again. I won't let him have that control over me anymore. I'm going to tell him that he fucked up and that he needs to leave me alone from now on. I'm not ready to forgive him, and I doubt if I ever will be. He lied to me. And that hurt worse than the actual heartbreak. I almost gave him everything and he lied to me.

I don't know how I'll tell him this yet. I'm not very good when it comes to speaking my feelings out loud. But I feel like sending him a message on facebook is tacky. Plus, he sent me a shit ton of facebook messages and it just made me mad. He could have at least tried.

I may write him a letter and hand it to him before the concert. That way it's personal and I don't actually have to speak.

Anyway, I feel like after I let Matt know that it's over and that he should stop trying to get my attention, I'll feel much better about life. Free, even. And then I can dedicate myself to being Alex's friend, even though I'll want to kiss him a lot. But I think just that feeling of longing will be enough to inspire a really great song. And I've got to write a song. Because every time I think about writing a song and give up on it, Taylor Swift freaking writes it for me. Gah.

Mayhaps if I write a song, I can play it for Alex and make him fall so in love with me that he'll HAVE to be my boyfriend...? :P I think it's worth trying.

Crickets

Has anyone ever committed suicide because of chirping crickets?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This is a fail of a post. Sorry.

Wishes

I guess one of my wishes was granted. I said that I wanted to be something with Alex, and I am something. I'm just not what I wanted to be. But that's okay with me. Because the potential is there. Someday, when both of us are ready, we can have something more than just friendship.

At first I was really disappointed that he said he wasn't actually able to be in a relationship. And then I thought about it and realized he wasn't going to do it because of me. Well, for me. He doesn't want me hurt, and I think that's why I'm okay with just being his friend.

He's seriously the best boy I've ever met. He's always been open and honest with me and he's...see-through. And because I can see through him, I know he's honest and that his intentions are pure. He's just all-around awesome. And adorable. And really, really sweet.

It takes a lot to find a guy like that. I thought I had found one, but I guess it's true what they say about love making you blind. I thought the sun shone out his ass, but I was very wrong. So now I can see my own faults when it comes to boys and now I'm more cautious because of it. But there's something about Alex that just makes me want to throw caution to the wind. And that scares me.

For the first time, I want to be passionate. I want to really throw all of myself into something. I want to be completely fearless and fall in love. I want the nervous flutters in my stomach to never go away when I think of him or look at him. I want this feeling to never end. I want to be able to talk about running away to Vegas to get married and not be afraid that he'll shy away from the idea. I want to write songs about him that will erase all the pain from the Spider Game songs.

I guess I kind of want to be Coco.

But I can't be yet. Because Alex has a lot of stuff to work through. And I guess I do too. I think it's time I talk to Matt. The sooner I do, the sooner I can get over everything we had, and the sooner I can move on and fully devote myself to the wild passion in me that's dying to get out.

The Love Blog: Also On Facebook

Going in chronological order here...

Jayne: Thanks for being my first best friend and playing so many ridiculous games with me. I can still remember the day we caught about fifty rolly pollies and named them all. :P We were so awesome back then. And you're still awesome now! I need to meet your baby girl! She's so cute and she's going to have some awesome adventures of her own. I expect to hear about the ones that sound a lot like ours. :)

Anne: You're seriously the most beautiful girl I know. And I mean inside and out. Like, when I didn't have any friends back in grade school because Emily had ditched me and Jayne had moved to Washington, you still hung out with me. That meant a lot more to me than I can tell you. The fact that you still hang out with me and share so many nerdy jokes with me is kind of amazing. Most girls with your talent and looks would forget about the nerdy best friend they had in grade school. But you're better than that. :) Thanks, love.

Lucy: The only reason I'm posting this is because of you, haha. But you did ask for a completely honest post, and I said I would only give the complete truth if someone asked for it. So here it is: I love you. You were the first real friend I made in high school and I am just overjoyed that we're still as tight as we are. I know we both grew away from each other, because I went chasing boys and you went chasing work, but at the end of the day, you're still one of my best friends and I will always cherish all the good times and laughs that we had together. And, you know, all the illegal things we did together. :P Oh, and mashed potato parties. Those were the best. lol.

Coco: I don't really remember what my first impression of you was, but I know I must have thought you were awesome because you were a drama kid and you got to hang out with all the cool kids (cool kids being the drama kids, of course). And then came choir. We didn't talk much in San Fran, but my senior year we did talk and we really got to know each other, and now I love you. :D Because I can show up at your house at any point of the day and still be offered coffee. And because we can listen to songs about zombies and start a new genre of zombie pop. And because you have always been honest with me, even at great personal risk. I never told you how much it meant to me that you risked everything to tell me the truth. But I think you probably guessed. :) I love you, beautiful, and I can't wait for you to come back so we can have more unplanned moments.

Jenelle: I already wrote to you in a blog, but now I have more to say. Along with not condemning me, you've also helped me get back on track by giving me advice and going shopping with me and just talking with me and being honest. Thanks for being girly and silly with me when I need it most. :) I promise I will do everything I can to help you when you need it. I promise to be here for you and to support you in everything you do. Just like you've done for me. Thank you.

Reesa: Sometimes, I want to strangle you. But most of the time, I don't. And I'm pretty sure the wanting to strangle you is all a part of being best friends and love and stuff. We get on each others nerves and we fight and we stop talking to each other and we make each other cry. But we always make up for it in laughter and love. And when one of us is crying because of something else, we always have each others back. Which is awesome. And when boys are stupid or cute or both at once, it's always nice to know that we can rant to each other and solve the problem by going gay for each other. ;D

Elisabeth: Remember the first day we met each other? I dragged you out of the dorm and into my car so we could go to Giant. And then we ended up buying fifty cent bouncy balls in preparation for future roomie fights. But we never fought and you ended up being like a sister to me. After hearing and seeing so many fall-outs between roommates last year, what we had was probably magical. I'm so sorry I'm not there this year. When you told me you had set up the room the way I'd wanted it, I cried. I wish I was there so badly. Fatty #1 is nothing without her Fatty #2. :(

Stepf: Wifey! I can't believe how long it took for us to become friends. Seriously. What was wrong with us? Anyway, it doesn't matter now since we're married and stuff. :P But, yeah, I just want to say thank you and that I love you. You're always here for me when I need help or advice or just someone to talk to. Even if it's 4 AM your time. I can only hope that I can do the same for you whenever you need it. :)

Nick: You're an ass, but I still love you because you make me laugh and you help me widen my perspective on life by having random philosophical conversations with me. You're also the first real guy best friend I ever made after Matt, and it's nice to have someone I can go to when I'm confused about the inner workings of boys. I miss you and I miss having random adventures with you around Etown. :(

Arslan: I'll start out by telling you that I love you in a completely non-romantic way. :P I know we weren't completely open with each other when I was back there, but I've always had a problem being really honest and close with guys. But we did have some really deep conversations during the school year and we've had a few over the summer, too. For the record, I could NEVER hate you for being honest with me. If anything, when you tell me the whole truth, I love you more for it. It gives you more character, and more character means there's more to love. :)

Sedrick: I know you don't remember the night you asked me to marry you, but I do, and it was probably the most epic proposal in the world. :D Thanks for being my black husband and making me laugh and asking me to marry you. I miss you, sweetheart.

Nicole: I am so glad I got to know you better second semester. The Madlib Summer would have never existed if we hadn't been friends, and OMLS has been the highlight of my year. You always have good advice when I need it and you're always up for a ridiculous story. Thanks for letting me rant and bitch and get everything off my chest. Oh, and thanks for breakfast. :P <3

Rachel: You are just so awesome. Remember that one time at, like, 2 in the morning when I was trying to do laundry and you said something about going out in the snow in a bikini? Do you remember that one time when we actually did it? XD I love that you can come up with the craziest ideas and then follow through with them. Thanks for making a fool of yourself in a bikini in the snow for me. :))) And thanks for doing the OMLS project with me. I don't know if I could make it through this next school year without weekly contact between us all. <3

Lauren: I still fangirl occasionally when you do stuff like show up in Nicole's vlog or follow my blog. :P I'm really glad you didn't think I was a freak for showing up out of the blue and accosting you during lunch, because otherwise our random trip to Philly to meet a boy from London would have never happened, and we wouldn't have gone to see Hank and John in Lancaster together, and we wouldn't have been friends. And I love being your friend. It makes me feel all special. (And the inner fangirl in me feels super important.) Thanks for being awesome! :)

Saturday Night Recap

I'm actually going to start with Friday.

Nelle made a comment about Mike's nose that I had to tell Alex. So I broke my vow and opened the line of conversation again. Because I had to. It was hilarious. But then the one little comment became a humongous conversation. He told me about how his night was going, including all the super gay parts, and I told him about the old man midget who was singing to us in the bowling alley. At some point, he made mention to unplanned nights and how they're always the best because they're unplanned. And I started missing my unplanned moments crew. We had so much fun. So much unplanned fun. So I told him how all the people I had unplanned nights with had moved away. And he said we should have unplanned nights. But then he followed it up with the fact that planning unplanned nights is a catch 22. I told him it would be okay if we had planned get togethers and did unplanned things. He responded with a smiley face and said, "I like."

Now comes Saturday.

I went super girly on everyone's ass. I went and bought boots just so I had something to match my outfit. I ended up looking like Taylor Swift, which is totally cool with me.
Before Alex's improv group went on stage, I was kind of freaking out. The girls behind us in the audience somehow got involved. And for the rest of the night, one of the girls (Ashley) was giving me advice. So, after the Stage Monkeys finished their set, and after ROAR did their rendition of Over the Top, Ashley told me to go find Alex because he'd been sneaking glances at me throughout the entire show. I only noticed this a couple times, but they were able to pay more attention to it than I was. So I went to find him and he gave me this super awesome hug. I told him the show was awesome and he did his usual, "Stop it." And then he had to go talk to someone.
This is where it started getting awkward.
For some reason, for the rest of the night, we weren't fully comfortable around each other. Like, I kept drifting to other places at the after party, and he would eventually follow me, but he never got close. At one point, I was sitting on the stairs and he sat with me and we talked a little bit, but that was it. And if he passed me, he would also touch my arm or back. Which was sweet. But nothing really happened until I had to leave. And that was when he gave me a personal hug.

There's a huge difference between a friendly hug and a personal hug. I give away friendly hugs all the time. But personal hugs are hard to come by. When you get a personal hug, you know it's just for YOU. And it's the best feeling in the world to get one.

So why did nothing happen (and why is nothing STILL happening) after that hug? What did it mean? Does he like me, or is he just thinking I'm a friend? Does he think I'm worth it, like I think he's worth it? Does he know how scared I am?

Most of all, do I ask him out on a planned night of unplanned adventures, or do I wait for him to ask me?

I'm making myself physically ill over this. Something needs to happen SOON. I can't just keep hanging by a thread like this.

A Lifehouse song comes to mind...

Honesty for Honesty's Sake

I'm not sure if I'm sick or nervous. I wrote a poem yesterday and posted it on facebook. I don't know if Alex read it, but it's for him. And I'm too scared to tag him so he knows it's for him. But I've been feeling unwell all morning. And I still feel terrible. I think it's more than just nerves and fear of annoying him or chasing him off.

I can't miss work. We want the next release to be the last and I promised Siggy I would be in every day, working my ass off to finish testing. I was an hour late today because of my vlog taking forever to upload (and with YouTube being so temperamental with my videos, I didn't wanna push it by changing locations before it could finish uploading), but I'm here now and only have one unit to work with. My other one went missing, so I'm not working as much I hoped to. And, of course, I have to leave early to get to Anna's for rehearsal.

Truth be told, I almost didn't even come into work today because of my stomach. Do you think too many nervous flutters can cause severe stomachaches?

I seriously have trapeze stunts going on every few seconds in my stomach. I think about him, and it flips. I wonder if he's read the poem, and it does a friggin' cartwheel. When my phone goes off, the entire circus joins in.

I don't know the last time I felt this way. Probably with Brandon in senior year. Maybe at the very beginning. But even after that, I was back to normal and completely comfortable.

Which leads me to believe that I'm more scared than nervous. I'm scared that I'll screw up again. After what I went through with Matt, I really don't want to do that again. So I'm being extra cautious and I'm asking everyone for advice because I don't know what to do anymore. I used to know. I used to be able to keep them all guessing and wrap them around my little finger. And then Matt unraveled, so to speak. And when he unraveled, I...lost it. My confidence.

How sad is that? My confidence rested upon one little friendship. One little love. My first love.

And because of that, I've done things I never wanted to do. I've given myself a bad reputation. I've gotten drunk and I've hooked up with random people under the influence. That isn't me. That's never been me. So why does one person get to dictate how I'll act and react after he broke my heart? Why does he get that control?

He doesn't.

But I'm still scared to death to do something wrong again. I'm scared I'll put too much effort into another boy and have it all be for nothing. I'm scared to feel that pain again. It's not a physical pain, either. It's like the pain you get in your stomach right before you throw up. Because all you can do is think about it. And when you think about it, you get sick. And when you realize how pathetic and effed up it is, you start to cry. Eventually you fall asleep just escape it all, but it's back the next night.

But there's always the option that I'm just really nervous because he's worth it. He might actually be worth the effort.

It's so weird. I was thinking about it this morning after my shower. When I think of Alex, I think of kissing and laughing and numb teeth. I don't think of sex. I don't think of it because I don't want it. When I thought of Matt and Mike, I wanted it. Because I knew they weren't virgins. But I know Alex is a virgin. And I hold virginity in very high respect. I think to be 21 and still a virgin is absolutely awesome. So, subconsciously, when I first found out he had never had sex, I decided I didn't want to ruin that for him. I firmly believe you should be in love with the person you lose it to. So unless he happens to be in love with me (and I KNOW it), he's not going to get any. And I'm perfectly happy with that.

Complete/Brutal Honesty Week

Starting early because I need to say these things NOW.

Matt, fuck off. I'm done. The correct approach is to not approach at all. I swear to God, I would fatally injure you right now. Don't talk to me. Don't send me texts or messages. Listen to everyone giving you advice and just leave me alone.

Taylor, stop trying to get in touch with me. I'm not going to screw around with you because you're a douche and a manwhore. You don't deserve a girl like me.

Kyle, I'm sorry, but you're my brother. I'm not going to screw around with you. Find someone else to be your fuck toy. I still love you, but it's not going to happen, and the more you ask, the more annoyed I get.

Alex, please talk to me. I have never believed any boy more than you when you said I was beautiful. I'm going to see you tomorrow and I want something to happen. I don't care what, but I know I want to be important to you. I want to mean something to you. We can be friends, or whatever, but I want to take up some room in your mind. I'm not going to force it, though. It's all on you now.

Claire, who the flying fuck are you to tell me my opinions are wrong? It's because of people like you that I hate living here. If I say one thing even slightly conservative, I'm argued with and called a republican. FUCK OFF. I'm a moderate, dumbasses. I'm registered independent. No, I don't approve of killing unborn babies. No, I don't approve of killing old people. Yes, I approve of capitol punishment. Yes, I approve of gun laws. Just because I believe these things does NOT make me a conservative republican. There are always TWO SIDES to each argument, and I can see both for all of them. I happen to sway more to the right when it comes to them. Aside from that, GET OUT OF THE PARTISAN THINKING. It's not helping anybody. We are UNITED. So stop pulling away from the country by distancing yourself from someone who might not have the same ideas as you. We're all Americans and we're all going down the shit hole right now. So go bash your head into a wall until you can think like an American. And while you're at it, get off your lazy ass and get a job. I'm tired of arguing with someone who does nothing all day while I'm out every day getting an education and working full time.

Jenelle, thank you for not seeing me as a whore or a man-stealing hussy. I was afraid I was going to lose you over the recent boy issues, but you didn't condemn me and I owe you a lot for that. :) And until Claire tells me to my face that she liked Alex before I did, I'm going to keep pursuing him.

Mike, it was a onetime thing. I'm over it. I've had my revenge. And you turned out to be kinda creepy.

My Madlib Girls, you two are made of so much awesome. Thank you so much for making my summer even more memorable. I know I really go to know Nicole over the summer, and she's helped me through a lot of tough times. Whenever I needed to rant, she would let me and then give me really great advice. I can only hope I did the same for her. :) Rachel, I know I didn't get to know you quite as well as Nicole, but you and I were closer at the end of the school year than Nicole and I were, so...I think it's all pretty even now. :))) Love all around for you two.

That's all for now. At least, that's all that's been bothering me for the past couple days.

Just wait until next week. I'm so excited.

Flashing Back to Preschool

Grab your popcorn. It's story time and it's a long 'un.

It all started sometime last month when I went to a party after an improv show (there was a vlog made from it of us in the car on the way there. I mentioned drinking an espresso in it). After some...um...beverages, Jenelle and I went outside to sit. Boys followed us out because we're just that hot. Or something. In this group was Jason (Asian), Mike (rebound man), Alex (gorgeous Mr. Right), and a few others that don't deserve mentioning. After a while, the three aforementioned boys decided they needed to coach Jenelle and me in how to be sexy using our hair, lips, and facial expressions (keep in mind that they were all drunk, so this was hysterical in person). At some point, I hooked up with rebound man, who was an excellent rebound and also a mistake (yayyyyyyy life lessons!).

Fast forward to last weekend. Jenelle's house sitting for her sister who says it's fine if we have people over and alcoholic beverages. It just so happens that the founders of the improv troupe live in the same apartment complex and THEY'RE having a party, too. Nelle and I drink Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade to support breast cancer research and stuff, and we join the other party in the founders' garage. Introduce the game of kick ball.

Five of us, Jenelle, Claire, Alex, Mike, and me, start kicking a kick ball around while drinking. (There's a lot of drinking in this story...sorry.) Fireworks start at SeaWorld. We all sing Queen, Bon Jovi, America the Beautiful, and Journey. In harmony. And then clank bottles and red cups in celebration of our on-coming drunkenness. The police roll on up. Those of us that are underage decide it's a good idea to go back to Nelle's to watch the Mighty Boosh. Mike, Alex, Jason, Andrew (Gothy Man), Kalah (awesome chick), and a guy named Chris (funniest nonprofessional comedian I know) come with us. Jenelle gets wasted. Jenelle makes Alex and me a drink to share because we both know we can't handle one drink each. Mike tries to hit on me while I'm hitting on Alex.

That's about when our teeth started feeling funny (me and Alex). It felt like a local anesthetic in our mouths. We giggle about this. We drink some more and Alex finishes our drink without offering me any. We are both quite drunk now. He does something adorable. I tell him so. He tells me to stop and says I'm beautiful.

I decide it's way too hot inside the apartment and go outside. Jenelle, Alex, and Jason follow me. Jason is drunker than all three of us. He wants us to meditate. Because he's Asian. So we get into group hug formation. Going clockwise, it's Jason, Jenelle, Me, Alex. (It should be noted that Jason and Nelle went on a date the weekend before this.) Jason tells us to close our eyes and imagine a bright ball of white light in between us. Alex and I start giggling. Jason gets mad and tries again. This is the conversation that ensued:
"Karaline, are you seeing it?"
"Yup."
"Alex?"
"Yeah, it's Jesus."
"*gigglesnort*"
"...We're gonna keep going."
That was when I felt Alex's lips on my cheek. So, of course, I turned my head toward him so he could kiss me in the right place. And that kept on happening because it was cute and sweet and really nice feeling.
Sometime after this, Andrew joins us and we all try to get Jenelle and Jason to make out. Jason passes out on the steps and asks for a blanket. Eventually, we get him back inside by telling him there's a giant bowl of guacamole for him. (Don't ask.) He passes out on the couch inside. Alex and I decide we're thirsty for water. We get some. Jenelle and I think it will be fun to freak everyone out, so we go into the bedroom and make sex noises really loudly. Then we give ourselves sex hair. When we go back out, we realize that no one cared because Knocked Up was on TV.
So we go to the kitchen to get vodka. Alex comes with us. We fix our hair and Alex asks adorable questions about Nelle's date with Jason. We all end up sitting on the kitchen floor drinking from the Smirnoff bottle and from a glass of water. We're just talking, but I don't really remember what the conversation is about. It wasn't that important.
By midnight, everyone's sitting on the kitchen floor playing Never Have I Ever and sobering up because we somehow drank $40 worth of alcohol in three hours. Mike is the drunkest of us all and is groping Nelle because her boobs are ginormous. She feels awkward and he just doesn't even know what he's doing.
Chris leaves. Mike goes outside with Jason and Andrew to puke his guts out. The rest of us stay inside because Alex, Nelle, and I have extremely weak stomachs and can't hear/see/smell puke without puking. Claire is locked in the bedroom because she's annoyed with us. (Stupid sober person.) We all sit on the couch. Alex and I attempt to fall asleep because being drunk makes us sleepy. It doesn't work because everyone's talking and making really funny jokes.
Kalah says she can take Mike home, but she doesn't want him to puke in her car. We consider letting him sleep in his car so he can puke all over his own stuff. He eventually crashes on the loveseat. The rest of us, except Claire, go outside and talk until 4 AM. Kalah leaves.
Around 5, Claire has enough and decides to have Andrew take her home. Alex plans on staying, but then he realizes he would have to stay in the living room with Pukey McPukeface (actual name we used for him) and goes with Claire and Andrew.
Jenelle and I finally get to bed around 5:30. Mike wakes us up at friggin' 9 AM to tell us he's leaving. He makes awkward statements about Kalah. Nelle gets him to leave. We go back to sleep until 1 PM. I stay and watch two movies and help her clean the apartment. I leave around 8, right as Alex is texting me to tell me he had a lot of fun.
A two and a half hour conversation about organized religion, politics, and school ensues.

Tuesday:
Alex had mentioned an improv show he was going to be in. I opened up the line of conversation by asking where it was and how much it cost to get in. I also asked him if I skipped choir to see his show, would he come to see me sing in a benefit concert. He, regrettably, informed me that he's going to be in LA the weekend of the concert. He also said going to class was probably more important, but I lied and said choir was canceled so he wouldn't feel bad when I showed up. :P
Jenelle and I decided to go to the show together because Alex was in it and Jason was going to be there. Claire also decided to come with us so she wouldn't be bored.
I nearly killed us getting to Downtown San Diego. It was great fun.
We got there, only to find that Mike was sitting with Jason. The dude just won't go away or get the hint. But the show was fantastic and Chris and Alex were the two funniest people in it. Mainly because they're not afraid to act like total weirdos for the sake of comedy.
Note: The show was a graduation show for the eight actors who managed to make it through all three levels of improv class. They were split into two teams. Chris and Alex were on the same team. The two teams competed, with improv games, for the most applause and laughter.
Alex's team won the competition. And when the score was announced, Alex, in his falsetto voice said, "That's US!" and screamed like a girl.
Jenelle and Claire both patted my leg at that point.
Anywho, the show ends, so we go outside for a meet and greet with the actors. We're all giving high fives down the line. I get to Alex and raise my hand for a high five. And he hugs me instead. And then he says, "You came!"
It was so cute.
Jenelle, Claire, and I go down to the sidewalk to figure out where to go to eat. Mike comes up to us and makes awkward jokes. We start talking about a really hot guy. He leaves. Then Alex comes jogging down to us and gives us all hugs and asks what we thought. We give him a thorough review of the show (consisting of, "It was awesome!" "You sucked." "Eh. I'm gonna be the happy medium. It didn't suck, but it wasn't great.")(Jenelle and Claire were joking. You can guess which sentence I said...haha.). We talk about this coming Saturday and make plans to all be at the party after the improv show. Then he has to leave to clean up the theater.

And now, since I opened up the line of conversation both Monday and Tuesday, I'm waiting for him to start talking to me. I will wait as long as I have to for him to notice that I've been silent.

It always works. :P

And that's the story so far. I'm sure there are little details I forgot. Like, you know, me randomly sticking my hand in his back pocket because he has a great ass. And renaming him Quentin because he looks more like a Quentin than an Alex. But those details aren't that important and, honestly, I can't really remember when they happened exactly. :D

In retrospect, this post is not very well named. I dunno about you guys, but I never got drunk and hooked up with random boys in preschool. Hahahahahah.

I love being reillusioned. :)))

Decisions, Decisions

I have approximately $1500 available to me right now. This doesn't seem like much, I know. But it's enough for three things.

1. Deposit and first month's rent for an apartment
2. A round-trip ticket to Pennsylvania
3. Down payment on a car

I initially wanted to spend $500 to go spend my last week of summer in PA with everyone. That became an unreality quickly after the plans were set in motion for reasons I won't discuss.

I then started leaning on the apartment issue. I've found a couple apartments that are absolutely perfect and I'd like nothing better than to move in tomorrow. But I can't do that until...

I have a car.

Luckily, the perfect car was listed yesterday on autotrader.com. If all goes according to plan, I'll be driving it home tomorrow. $6500. I'll be paying a thousand. My parents will pay the rest. A loan from the bank will maybe pay them back. And then I'll pay the bank back over time.

I've made my decision. Car comes before anything else. But the apartment is my next priority. It'll be easier to pay for when I have financial aid. And maybe once I have all that settled, I can try and hop on a plane. :)

Thought-Provoking Day, It Would Seem

I'm wondering about women. Are most, if not all, women somehow attracted to other women in some part of their brain?

Let me explain where this is coming from. I've joked about going gay, but I've never been serious. However...

Most heterosexual girls my age that I've talk to all agree that we're attracted to men with feminine features in their face. We're also attracted to what makes them inherently male, but when they have softer features, it's like a magnet for us. Some girls might disagree and say that sharp, masculine angles are what it's all about.

That makes me wonder what influences the choices in attraction we all have. Is it psychological? Societal? Genetic? Oedipal?

I immediately thought it was societal. Women have always been pressured into believing that we are only here to serve men, and since most heterosexual men enjoy watching girls get up on each other, perhaps we've started to seek out feminine-looking men. I don't think this can be proven, but I think it's an interesting study.

But it could also be psychological, couldn't it? If a girl grew up in an abusive home, if she was abused by her father, she will most likely be scared of men who remind her of him. (This is all hypothetical and based on conjecture alone, of course.) So, if her father was more of a man's man, she might seek out a guy who looks more girly because she'd feel safer. This route of thinking could be proven, but it's all based on circumstance, so probably nothing could come of it.

Last is genetic and Oedipal. Everyone knows what an Oedipus complex is, and it's more dominant in men than women, but it still happens. I do gravitate more toward men who are like my father because he's a good man with a good sense of humor and wonderful parenting skills. Who wouldn't look for a guy like that? But I find the personality attractive, so it's not exactly an Oedipus complex. Which brings me to genetics. Myself, I'm a fan of smiles and asses. My mother likes smiles and eyes. My aunt likes asses and eyes. You see what I'm getting at?
Maybe the things we're attracted to are inherited from those we came from.

But now the question remains: why do girls go for feminine men?

My friends, I have no answer for this.

Un-Rawr

I would say, "I love it when everything works out," but not everything worked out. I'm hiding stuff from Jenelle and Claire now because I need to talk to Claire and Mike and...I just need to work out all that stuff, really, but as for where I stand with Mike, I think everything is worked out. We're on the same page.

I've never had a conversation with a guy about how much I'd like to do Helena Bonham-Carter and Brad Pitt...and have him agree with me whole-heartedly. Haha. And when he saw that the background of my phone said "In Your Pants" and "DFTBA," he was honestly interested and thought it was really cool once I'd explained it all to him. And he's a writer. He likes the social movement things, but also the slightly disturbing fantasy stuff. I, of course, recommended the Black Jewels Trilogy to him. And when I told him my parents were very right wing and that I was more in the middle, he just kissed me and said, "Rebellion is hot."

Going back to the writer part, though, it made me really happy. He completely understands the way books can influence your mood and how reading something really great can make you want to write for sixteen hours straight, just to try and match the greatness you just consumed. He also encouraged me to enter a competition and to send him some of my stuff because he's a grammar Nazi (just like me) and he'd love to help me out.

It all made me wish that guys closer to my age were that awesome.

Oh well. I'm moving out in November, and if we happen to decide that we do want more than sex and friendship, I'll just have to break it to my parents that he happens to be 27. I broke it to my mom yesterday that I wanted to get my nose pierced and she flipped a minor shit, but didn't tell me I couldn't get it done, so...

But that was a piercing. Not a guy. She was okay with Matt because she'd known him since he was 17/18. Unfortunately, after what he put me through, she might have an issue with me dating a guy that much older than me. I'll have to point out that he's more mature than guys my age and that Lauren Fairweather's dating a guy nearly 10 years older than her. So, really...

Hahahaha, I hope to God I never have to have this conversation with my parents. XD

Rawr Rawr Rawr

The inner workings of human to human chemistry are beyond me, but at the moment, I'm really pissed about them.

So, I lose a guy and a best friend. I cry about it, I bitch about it, I blog about it. I'm over it. Almost. Now I need to rebound from it. Lo and behold, a new guy is provided by the fates. And that guy happens to like me. And I happen to like him. And we happen to have a shit ton of chemistry. Oh, and he's seeking a rebound as well.

It would be perfect if Claire hadn't called him. If I didn't have to incorporate Claire's feelings into this mess, my life would be simple. But no. The nervous butterflies and the pins of guilt are warring in my stomach right now. What do I say to him when I see him? Do I tell him that he's a guilty pleasure? Do I tell him I broke a promise to be with him?

The real question is, if I legitimately like him, is he even a rebound?

And, of course, in the middle of it all is a best friend who can't understand why I would break a promise in the first place. Because I don't. Ask anyone. I'm unreliable when it comes to due dates and birthday presents, but I'm anything but selfish.

And I did something completely selfish.

They can't comprehend it. "You mean, Karaline's a real human being? Gasp!"

Yes, my friends. I am more than a robot. I can be a bitch and I can be self-centered and I can blow off friends for a boy.

The fact of the matter is, this is a rare occurrence. When I'm a bitch, you probably deserve it. When I'm self-centered, I'm probably bluffing. When there's a boy I like, I bring him into my group of friends, and if he isn't scared off after that, he's probably a keeper.

I legitimately like Mike. I could say I don't care what happens if I pursue a relationship with him, but I can't. I do care. I don't care if Claire bitches about me or doesn't want to speak to me again. So long as she bitches TO me and not about me to someone else. That's what started my anger and, therefore, this blog. I don't give a shit what Claire does so long as she's open about it to me. What I care about is Jenelle. She doesn't know what to think or which side to be on. As far as she knows, I'm just a whore who breaks promises. It hurts to know that a best friend would automatically believe that assumption, but...that's life, I guess.

I hate to cut this short, but I need to leave in a few minutes to go look at an apartment with Jenelle. Hopefully, we'll be able to talk it all over. And maybe when I meet up with Mike afterward, I won't feel so guilty about feeling like this about him.