Zombies: A Guidebook

Today, I give you two sets of guidelines.

In becoming a zombie for a short period of time:
1. If you get liquid latex and you plan on wearing it for a long time, bring extra with you.
2. You don't tie your shoelaces. Ever. Not even after the walk has ended. You will be shunned by other zombies.
3. NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, put adhesive near or around your hair.
4. If you are using plastic 'wounds' and adhering them with latex/glue, make sure you either have more adhesive with you or make sure there is no chance that you will begin to sweat.
5. Get a theme to your zombie. Figure out how you died and run with it. Nothing is too extreme.
6. Always get extra makeup. You may not use it, but get it anyway.
7. Buy the baby powder with the makeup. Trust me.
8. Once zombified, do your damndest to scare the shit out of as many people as possible no matter where you are.
9. Wear comfortable shoes.
10. Stay in character. Zombies don't smile. They groan and moan. A lot. Constant groaning for brains and other unintelligible things is okay.

If zombies are attacking the earth:
1. Grab as many guns, knives, shears, and swords as you can get.
2. GET OUT. Keep moving and don't stay in one place for too long.
3. Don't take a bunch of food with you. Steal what you need and barter if you have to.
4. You need a vehicle that's large enough to roll over zombies and other cars without problem, but also something fuel efficient and not liable to roll over if you take a turn too fast.
5. Double tap.
6. Each night, conduct a thorough search of every body in the party. If anyone's bleeding from a bite wound, kill them.
7. Make sure there is at least one straight male and one straight female in your party.
8. If you're not in shape, you better get there.
9. Humans, when panicked, are stupid. Look out for the stupid ones and the zombies. One or the other will probably kill you.
10. There's probably no hope that all the zombies will be killed off for good. But just keep kicking ass and hope that one day the plague will be killed off. Then procreate like crazy.

There you go. Twenty simple rules.

:D