I'm not sure if I'm sick or nervous. I wrote a poem yesterday and posted it on facebook. I don't know if Alex read it, but it's for him. And I'm too scared to tag him so he knows it's for him. But I've been feeling unwell all morning. And I still feel terrible. I think it's more than just nerves and fear of annoying him or chasing him off.
I can't miss work. We want the next release to be the last and I promised Siggy I would be in every day, working my ass off to finish testing. I was an hour late today because of my vlog taking forever to upload (and with YouTube being so temperamental with my videos, I didn't wanna push it by changing locations before it could finish uploading), but I'm here now and only have one unit to work with. My other one went missing, so I'm not working as much I hoped to. And, of course, I have to leave early to get to Anna's for rehearsal.
Truth be told, I almost didn't even come into work today because of my stomach. Do you think too many nervous flutters can cause severe stomachaches?
I seriously have trapeze stunts going on every few seconds in my stomach. I think about him, and it flips. I wonder if he's read the poem, and it does a friggin' cartwheel. When my phone goes off, the entire circus joins in.
I don't know the last time I felt this way. Probably with Brandon in senior year. Maybe at the very beginning. But even after that, I was back to normal and completely comfortable.
Which leads me to believe that I'm more scared than nervous. I'm scared that I'll screw up again. After what I went through with Matt, I really don't want to do that again. So I'm being extra cautious and I'm asking everyone for advice because I don't know what to do anymore. I used to know. I used to be able to keep them all guessing and wrap them around my little finger. And then Matt unraveled, so to speak. And when he unraveled, I...lost it. My confidence.
How sad is that? My confidence rested upon one little friendship. One little love. My first love.
And because of that, I've done things I never wanted to do. I've given myself a bad reputation. I've gotten drunk and I've hooked up with random people under the influence. That isn't me. That's never been me. So why does one person get to dictate how I'll act and react after he broke my heart? Why does he get that control?
He doesn't.
But I'm still scared to death to do something wrong again. I'm scared I'll put too much effort into another boy and have it all be for nothing. I'm scared to feel that pain again. It's not a physical pain, either. It's like the pain you get in your stomach right before you throw up. Because all you can do is think about it. And when you think about it, you get sick. And when you realize how pathetic and effed up it is, you start to cry. Eventually you fall asleep just escape it all, but it's back the next night.
But there's always the option that I'm just really nervous because he's worth it. He might actually be worth the effort.
It's so weird. I was thinking about it this morning after my shower. When I think of Alex, I think of kissing and laughing and numb teeth. I don't think of sex. I don't think of it because I don't want it. When I thought of Matt and Mike, I wanted it. Because I knew they weren't virgins. But I know Alex is a virgin. And I hold virginity in very high respect. I think to be 21 and still a virgin is absolutely awesome. So, subconsciously, when I first found out he had never had sex, I decided I didn't want to ruin that for him. I firmly believe you should be in love with the person you lose it to. So unless he happens to be in love with me (and I KNOW it), he's not going to get any. And I'm perfectly happy with that.
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