Uh-Oh.

I like to keep my mom in the loop when it comes to my love life. Because otherwise, she'll bitch at me for being bitchy when it's not going well. So, of course, I told her about Alex. I told her just about everything, aside from the fact that we got drunk and kissed. Apparently I mentioned how much work my stomach does whenever I think about him.

I got home last night after a night of exploration and adventure, and she was sitting on the couch watching Glen Beck. I waited for a commercial break, then I told her how I'd told Alex I liked him and how he'd been super cute with his reply and how we both have a lot of crap to work through before anything can happen.

And then she looked at me and said, "Just so you know, the fact that your heart flutters when you're around him means you're over Matt. You have moved on and your attention is elsewhere."

Which means I don't have quite as much to get through as I originally thought.

BUT I do still need to do some things before I'm fully ready to be involved with anyone. I'm actually kinda proud of myself for slowing down like this and doing so many self-evaluations.

I've made a list of things to get done:
1. Talk to Matt.
2. Attempt not to castrate him.
3. Be sure Alex and I are compatible as friends first.
4. Get back into school mode, because missing three days was NOT good.
5. Write a song before Taylor Swift gets to it first and blows my mind again.

When I say 'talk to Matt,' I don't mean try and work things out between the two of us. I'm not going to subject myself to that again. I won't let him have that control over me anymore. I'm going to tell him that he fucked up and that he needs to leave me alone from now on. I'm not ready to forgive him, and I doubt if I ever will be. He lied to me. And that hurt worse than the actual heartbreak. I almost gave him everything and he lied to me.

I don't know how I'll tell him this yet. I'm not very good when it comes to speaking my feelings out loud. But I feel like sending him a message on facebook is tacky. Plus, he sent me a shit ton of facebook messages and it just made me mad. He could have at least tried.

I may write him a letter and hand it to him before the concert. That way it's personal and I don't actually have to speak.

Anyway, I feel like after I let Matt know that it's over and that he should stop trying to get my attention, I'll feel much better about life. Free, even. And then I can dedicate myself to being Alex's friend, even though I'll want to kiss him a lot. But I think just that feeling of longing will be enough to inspire a really great song. And I've got to write a song. Because every time I think about writing a song and give up on it, Taylor Swift freaking writes it for me. Gah.

Mayhaps if I write a song, I can play it for Alex and make him fall so in love with me that he'll HAVE to be my boyfriend...? :P I think it's worth trying.