Wishes

I guess one of my wishes was granted. I said that I wanted to be something with Alex, and I am something. I'm just not what I wanted to be. But that's okay with me. Because the potential is there. Someday, when both of us are ready, we can have something more than just friendship.

At first I was really disappointed that he said he wasn't actually able to be in a relationship. And then I thought about it and realized he wasn't going to do it because of me. Well, for me. He doesn't want me hurt, and I think that's why I'm okay with just being his friend.

He's seriously the best boy I've ever met. He's always been open and honest with me and he's...see-through. And because I can see through him, I know he's honest and that his intentions are pure. He's just all-around awesome. And adorable. And really, really sweet.

It takes a lot to find a guy like that. I thought I had found one, but I guess it's true what they say about love making you blind. I thought the sun shone out his ass, but I was very wrong. So now I can see my own faults when it comes to boys and now I'm more cautious because of it. But there's something about Alex that just makes me want to throw caution to the wind. And that scares me.

For the first time, I want to be passionate. I want to really throw all of myself into something. I want to be completely fearless and fall in love. I want the nervous flutters in my stomach to never go away when I think of him or look at him. I want this feeling to never end. I want to be able to talk about running away to Vegas to get married and not be afraid that he'll shy away from the idea. I want to write songs about him that will erase all the pain from the Spider Game songs.

I guess I kind of want to be Coco.

But I can't be yet. Because Alex has a lot of stuff to work through. And I guess I do too. I think it's time I talk to Matt. The sooner I do, the sooner I can get over everything we had, and the sooner I can move on and fully devote myself to the wild passion in me that's dying to get out.