Emotional Turmoil

I'm so...confused.

It's clearly not cheating if I go on a date with another guy. We were never officially together.

So why does it feel like something to be ashamed about?

Ugh.

So...I know no one reads this...I might as well be canon.

I love Matt. Like, true, bonafied love. It's been this way since I was fifteen. That's almost a whole three years.
This summer, we were kind of a faux couple. We went on dates and we kissed and everything. I'm never so comfortable with guys as I am with Matt.
We agreed when we finally admitted that we liked each other that none of the couple-y stuff between us would last long distance. It just wasn't realistic and we knew that. He also knew that college life would be crazy and that he couldn't tie me down. I wouldn't have minded. I feel tied down anyways.

It's just so weird! I try to look at guys as potential date material, and all I get from myself is, "He's nice to look at, but definitely not date worthy."
And all the other guys are brothers to me. There's no way I could look at them any differently. It's totally platonic.

And then I met Derek. I was chilling with Lauren Fairweather and he stopped by to ask her something about Vocalign (the co-ed a capella group on campus). When he mentioned he was arranging an a capella version of 'Don't Stop Believin',' I freaked out and told him it was my favorite song and that I really wanted to try out for Vocalign. We started talking music (making fun of Melica, fangirling (kind of) Phalanx, and sharing community chorus woes) and found out that we had a lot in common. By the time I got back to my dorm, he had friend requested me on facebook.

From there, we talked over facebook, in choir, and when he would stop by my dorm.

Today was one of those 'stop by my dorm' days. Elisabeth is gone at some kind of band competition (what a dork, I know) with the guy who likes her (if they make out in my car, I'm going to castrate them both). So, Derek stopped by to show me a medley he's arranging for Vocalign, and to tell me that auditions are in two weeks. We ended up talking for about half an hour about Harry Potter, music, and facebook/youtube creeping. Then, on his way out, he turned and asked what my schedule was like for this week. I asked him why and he said he was wondering if I'd like to go to dinner with him.

When those words left his mouth, my stomach dropped. I'm pretty sure most of the blood in my face drained, too.

It's not like I wasn't expecting it. That's not it at all. Derek's nice, musically-inclined, and not bad looking. And he's a little obvious. But that's beside the point.

I knew he was going to ask me out eventually.

But it still came as a shock to me.

I said yes.

And here's my dilemma: How do I go on a date with a guy I kind of know when I know my heart's back in California with Matt?

I subconsciously went on boy hiatus when I moved. I didn't mean to. Matt told me not to. He told me to live my life.
I'm just so freakin' in love with him that I can't stop myself!

I feel like I've said this before.

Have I said this before?

God.

Random...?

I REALLY screwed up my pattern, haha. :P

So...what's been going on since September? I'll fill you in in sentence fragments that won't make sense to anyone but those directly involved:

1. Person Profile = meeting Derek = shoo-in for Vocalign next semester!
2. COMING OUT WEEK! :D
3. "She licks me at night."
4. Extreme creepin' = "Come clooooser!"
5. Dressing like dorks two days in a row.
6. Homecoming.
7. Tripping up risers (they'll murder me eventually).
8. SMeyer bashing with Lauren
9. The Virgin Mary Had a Baby Boy --> OH YEAH.
10. Cosmo..."Kool-Aid Man? Really?"
11. Rock Band amazingness.
12. "You're an asshole."
13. "I don't think it's common practice to cut off little boys' balls anymore."
14. "I lost my ID card in Leffler..." "No, we don't have it." - ONE HOUR LATER. - "Oh, by the way, we have your ID card."
15. Roommate lovin'. :)

Yeah, basically, it's been pretty crazy. Today was the first day I didn't take/need a nap. It was awesome. It was also probably because I actually went to bed before the sunrise. :P

Post questions in the comments and I MIGHT elaborate on all this.

<3 Awkward Sister #5

C0113G3

I messed up my pattern. Damn it.

Oh well.

Quick update (even though you probably know most of this from the vlogs):
1. Nerf Gun wars
2. Team-making = not me!
3. Piano = slow suicide
4. Random hour-long conversations with Lauren at dinner
5. Planning to see John and Hank Green at a Nerdfighter convention
6. Wizard rock!
7. Awesome roommate
8. Awesome roommate acquiring notsome boyfriend. :(
9. Sheetz runs at 4 AM
10. Gossip Girl parties every Monday
11. Watching Princess Bride (right now)
12. Making fun of DeWitt(less) after (and sometimes during) choir
13. Being part of Hot and Dreamy Horny Dinosaurs
14. Having awesome friends like Jackie, Sam, Joe, and Elisabeth. My framily. :)

I had this randomly awesome conversation with Lauren today at dinner. We sat in the caf for, like, an hour...not eating. She's gonna take me to a wrock concert sometime this semester. And we're going to the Yule Ball at Nina's college. And the Twilight premier/wrock concert in Jersey (hopefully with Teresa, if we can sleep on the floor of the hotel room Lauren and Nina are getting).

Also, about 45 minutes ago, my mom bought me a phone off ebay...so, hopefully, that'll come soon and I'll be able to tell what time it is again. Haha.

I don't have much more to say right now. I'm supposed to be reading "The Trouble with Africa," so...yeah.

Good night!

<3 Karaline, Awkward Sister # 5

PS: Skype me! fatty.slytherin

Day Two: EPIC FINISH

Well, okay, it's not really finished. Day two is, but we still have the rest of the week to go.

It's hard to walk right now. And stand up. And go up and down stairs (damn it, why am I am on the second floor?!). You should see me trying to crawl into my bed. Hahahaha. It's raised to about my waist and I have to swing one leg over and pull the rest of me up using the opposite side of the mattress. It's pretty epic.

Day three tomorrow! 6:30 AM practice, breakfast at 8 AM, cleaning my crap off Elisabeth's bed before she has to move in 8:30-10:30 AM, lunch at 11:30 AM, 12:30 PM practice, check-in and registration for honors students at 3:15-4:30 PM, dinner at 5:30 PM, 6:30 PM practice.

Yikes. I still have to go to the grocery store and get my ID validated. :P Yay volleyball!

At least I'll have time to recover (kind of) on Thursday. All the honors freshmen are gone all day for HOOT. Don't ask me what it stands for. But there's a ropes course involved and I'm STOKED. Jesus Camp got me all addicted to adrenaline rushes and stuff. Haha. I'm like movie!Edward now. :D

That's about it. Just wanted to give you west coast people an update. ;D

If you want more information on how I am, go watch my vlog!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4e7UhG8WEo

<3 Karaline

And the winner is...Stephenie Meyer!

Soooo much to talk about!!!

But first...

SPOILER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





So, a few of my Breaking Dawn predictions came true, but I was still completely surprised by a LOT of things. Like, you know, Edward actually producing sperm. I'm still trying to figure that one out. I'm thinking it has to do with sperm not actually being a bodily fluid. I'll have to find out from Stephenie, of course, because it really confused me when Bella got preggers.

But anyways, I LOVED the beginning! Edward and Bella's wedding was amazing--until Jacob showed up, of course--and even Rosalie was helping Bella get ready. It was very well done. Like, there was detail, but not too much because, from Bella's point of view, all the emotions were creating a haze around her.

Now, the honeymoon....It's hard to describe how I feel about it. I'm still confused, of course. But more than that, I'm a little pissed. There was not ONE detail. It was always, "And pulled us gently into deeper water..." and shit like that.

We know they had sex, Stephenie, now channel Nora Roberts and GIVE IT SOME DETAIL.

Ahem. So, yeah, some of my favorite quotes came from the times right after they had sex. Like the, "I bit a pillow. Or two." I laughed hysterically at that one. It's so not Edward. And my other favorite was when they were commenting on her shredded lingerie. XD It was great.

And then came the random pregnancy. WTF. I thought Bella was going to die, and then Edward would die, and then Jacob would find out and try to kill the Cullens and start a huge war over it. It freaked me out. But when Jacob decided to become the Alpha, I knew the prospect of a werewolf vs. vampire war was out. Damn it.

Jacob's point of view was...interesting. I really enjoyed his way of thinking compared to Bella's. Jacob's so sarcastic and filled with blond jokes. It was funny when he wasn't stressing over the 'monster' destroying Bella.

I actually read through all that again last night and I didn't know how I'd missed the obvious. He called Bella a drug and that it was more like he was addicted to the center of her. And when Renesmee was born, he had that feeling like he had to leave the room because the pull to be with her had shifted. I SHOULD have caught that. Then maybe the end of Jacob's POV wouldn't have surprised and disgusted me so much. I mean, now I can't make fun of Quil. His soul mate might be only two years old, but at least she's fully human. God, Jacob, couldn't you have imprinted on the girl in the park at least?

Oh well. The Aston Martin was in the book, so I can't really complain about Jacob's choice of soul mate.

So, I kinda ruined the end of book 2 for myself. Jacob thought Bella was dead, but I'd already looked ahead and seen that book 3 was from Bella's point of view. So I knew she lived.

Damn me and my curiosity.

But book 3 was probably one of the best. Bella finally became a vampire! And Emmett's sex jokes were possibly the funniest thing I've ever read. Oh, Emmett. You gotta love that kid.
And Jasper! Holy crap! When Charlie was coming to visit and Bella and Jasper kept going back and forth, I just started cracking up!

'We'd have all night...
"Bella."
"Sorry Jasper."'

Omg. Perfect.

None of the other Twilight books made me cry. Well, okay, I might have cried a little when Edward left in New Moon. But that was more pity for myself than for Bella. But in Breaking Dawn, I really cried. Only once. It was during the scene in the clearing with the Volturi. Everyone was saying goodbye.
It hit kinda close to home. In exactly one week, I'll have to do the same thing. Say goodbye to everyone I know and love on the west coast. In the book, it was a permanent goodbye, I know, but it still impacted me. Seriously. I was sobbing. It started right when she told Renesmee she loved her and explained to Jacob what they had to do if a fight broke out. It just seemed so real to me--that feeling of never seeing someone you love ever again. And I could imagine it from Bella's point of view, too. She was giving up her child. 'More than my own life.'

So sad.

But at least it had a happy ending. I mean, really. Only the best books end with implied sex. Note the word 'IMPLIED.' >:|

I believe my exact words, when she glossed over the sex every time, were, "Fuckin' Stephenie fuckin' Meyer! Fuckin' fuck fuck!"

Ask Reesa. I said it every time. That's how she knew Edward and Bella were going to get it on again. Because I would have a hissy fit every time. :P

We didn't even get detail on how Edward looked naked. Jeez! All we got was that he was gorgeous naked! And that he's a horny bastard! Gahhhhhhhhhhh!!!




I'm done now. I guess I'll have to total my score...see what I was right or wrong about when I was making predictions. =/ It's so sad that it's over...but I still have many things to figure out, I guess. That'll take some time.

<3 Karaline

Blog Post 3: Breaking Dawn Predictions

I know Lucy won't understand this, but this is mainly for me so I can get all my thoughts out.

Breaking Dawn Predictions:

#1:
After the wedding, Edward and Bella get it on. Meyer won't put in much detail because then the book would be shelved as an adult romance novel instead of a young adult romance novel. Which sucks because I want detail of just how stunningly sexy Edward is naked.

#2:
While Edward and Bella are on their honeymoon, the rest of the Cullens move away from Forks so they don't break the treaty.

#3:
Edward bites Bella before Jacob can stop it from happening. [Insert epic battle between Edward and Jacob] Bella stops them before they kill each other and Jacob runs away again because Bella's a bloodsucker. While running, he imprints on someone.

#4:
Once a vampire, Bella struggles to remain herself instead of a blood-sucking fiend. Edward helps her.

#5:
Enter the Volturi. [Insert general epic-ness that answers the question of why the Volturi's skin is so papery]

#6:
The entire book will be epic and will end happily forever after with Edward and Bella, and Jacob and some other girl. :D

I'm hoping the werewolves and vampires go at it at some point. Edward breaks the treaty, but if the Cullens move away...plus, Seth is friends with Edward and Jacob's in love with Bella...so...I dunno. Something will happen. An impasse. Hopefully.

That's all for today! I'll wait until August 4th to say if my predictions come true. :)

<3 Karaline

PS - I'm done for this month! *wipes sweat off brow*

Blog Post 2: Parties at Midnight

There's one more after this, so hold onto your horses. Karaline is FAR from being done.

Tomorrow night is the Breaking Dawn release party. It seems strange to me that this time last year, I was still hyped up about Deathly Hallows. It's also strange that just over one month ago, I picked up Twilight and New Moon in an act of rebellion and boredom and ended up falling in love. One month.

For Harry Potter, it took me four books and six years to fall in love. Maybe because Jo Rowling doesn't write sexy vampires into her books (I think the only vampire we ever meet in Harry Potter is the one at Slughorn's party, actually). I don't know. But it does bug me when people say Stephenie Meyer is the new JK Rowling. They're complete opposites. Rowling created an entire universe centered around this poor, unfortunate boy who has to defeat another poor, unfortunate boy who's had a lot more time to train. Meyer took a familiar setting, placed familiar people in it, and added a bit of mythology and romance.
Both of them are amazing. I love them both for giving me so many hours of entertainment and so many characters to fall in love with.
But that's about all they have in common. Good stories, good characters, good personalities, and a lot of money.
So, really. The next JK Rowling? Give me a break. There's only one JK Rowling and there will never be another.
Likewise, there's only one Stephenie Meyer and she's good enough on her own to be thought of independently from Rowling.



Back to what I was saying: Midnight Release.

Reesa just informed me today that Barnes and Noble is doing the Prom theme again. On one hand, I'm excited because I missed the Eclipse Prom. On the other hand, I'm bummed because I just finished this really amazing softball shirt that has quotes and 'Team Edward' and everything on it.
But I've made a compromise. I'm going to wear a dress UNDER my shirt. And my walking boot. Because I AM Bella. Reesa and I discussed this already.
OR, I could wear a skirt with my shirt and just have on Converse. Reesa's just wearing jeans and her shirt. But if everyone shows up wearing fancy shmancy stuff, I don't wanna feel left out.

This leads us to our next topic: How long should I wait in B&N?
Last year, I showed up around 7 and was #156 in line. And I missed everything but the costume contest (I wasn't dressed up as anyone, so that was an automatic 'no'). But still, I only waited 5 1/2 hours to get my book.
This year, we're thinking of showing up at 9:30 in the morning to get our places in line, and then coming back around 5 PM so we don't miss the discussions. Because I'm SO pumped for an Edward vs. Jacob debate. You don't even know.
Edward wins in the end. Stephenie even said so. Bella and Edward get married. Jacob doesn't stop the wedding.

But that brings me to...my next blog. :P

Blog Post 1: My Mom Got a Blog

Topic of today's post? Exactly what the title is.

Her first blog entry was a rant about what to think about before voting in November. This should be interesting. Mainly because throughout high school, I became more moderate conservative and she's ridiculously right wing. Like, hxc conservative. It's that whole thing where the youth of America are more liberal than our older counterparts. I guess it's true. High school made me see that I can't be close-minded towards other people's beliefs. I still hold true to my own, but it's not a bad thing to learn about others. It's healthy to question yourself and your beliefs every once in a while.
So, whereas I've had four years to really cement my political views, she's had thirty-something years. It would be hard to get her to change her ideals now. But mine can easily be changed. I'm still questioning myself.

Which is probably why I hate watching the news with my mom. She always comments and it seems so narrow-minded to me, that I just get irritated. I happen to love watching the Colbert Report with her because he makes fun of people like her, but she can still laugh at it.

Colbert brings politically diverse families together.

That's it for this entry. I'll have another one today. I have to keep up my pattern of 3-5-3-5-3-5. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check my archives.

<3 Karaline

Robert Pattinson = <3

So, thanks to Danielle Morebello, I got to see Robert Pattinson in the flesh (amazingly handsome flesh, I might add). I arrived at Comic-con at around 11:20 AM (REALLY late), registered as quickly as possible, and ran down to the line for Hall H. It was about two miles long, but then I saw Danielle and Stephanie Bond (and her adorable baby) and they let me cut in line. Five minutes later, I was anxiously looking for a seat. The most seats they had all together were 3...there were 6 of us. So Danielle and two other girls took those seats and the rest of us continued searching. I managed to find a seat in between a big group from Twatlight and two best friends who were huge Twilight fans. I made some friends, got some Goldfish, and made myself comfortable for a long wait.
At around 2 PM, the cast of Twilight finally came out on stage. Everyone lost it when Rob came out. Including me. I screamed like a little bitch. Not lying.

The moderator asked all the practical questions, and then he opened it up for Q&A. I RAN all the way to the line, only to find out that about thirty girls had already lined up beforehand and I had to go to the very back. I was pissed. Like, getting-caught-at-the-red-light-at-Mission-Gorge pissed. It was bad. And, of course, all the girls who got up to the mic were like, "Oooh, Rob, I love you!" and other stupid things like that. >:| It was ridiculous. Rob didn't even know what to do half the time he was up there. What do you say to 6500 screaming girls who all want to let you know they love you?
Rob's response:
"Good."

XD

I love that man. I seriously wish I was friends with him so I could just hang out with him. He would fit into my group of friends so well. Actually, he's kind of me in male form. I don't need drugs or alcohol to act the way I do. Neither does he. Everyone from Twatlight thought he was high. I disagree. I think he was just scared shitless by rabid fangirls and didn't know how to explain himself. He's not the most articulate man in the world (even though Edward totally is). He's also rarely serious (which Edward definitely is), which makes people think (even more than usual) that he's stoned. Gahhh. I don't understand it. Why am I not famous? I could be Bella. I could be a really GOOD Bella (clumsy, liable to fall in love with vampires and werewolves, always attracting strange injuries...). AND I'm a brunette.

Yeah. I'm Bella.

Now where the flying fuck is my Edward?



Ahem. Anyways, back to Rob.
In short, he's made of awesome and I'm completely in love with him. Teresa better become famous someday and do a movie with him. And then introduce me. And then I can have his gorgeous, half-British children. (LOL--beat you to it, Cho!)

I got tons of video of his adorableness, but I can only put up pictures on here... :( You'll have to survive with that.

Love,
Mrs. Karaline Pattinson (? I think so.)

New York and Reno

Do you know how much shit you can get away with in New York? I was in bars every night, the bartenders knew I was 18, and they still offered me alcohol.

Wow.

Aside from that, I had an amazing trip! We saw three shows on Broadway, ate at Sardi's and Balthazar, and got to go backstage for one of the shows. Most of the time, I was hanging out with the musicians from Jersey Boys (which is how we got backstage), but I did meet two very interesting people in a bar called 'Chealsea's Grill'. Michael Lanning and his wife Maureen. They were amazing. Michael is one of the singers in the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Maureen is an actress on Broadway and on TV. Maureen and I shared a lot of common interests, such as the amazingness of Avenue Q (which I coerced Markie into taking me to) and the love of Law & Order: SVU. She was actually called in to be a dead body on SVU, but she wasn't pale enough. LOL.

New York was fun, but I wish Lucy and Teresa had been with me. It would've been even MORE amazing if they'd been there. I would have done all the shopping stuff and all the fangirling stuff. :(

Someday. Maybe.


RENO!
My team won our division! The LOWEST division! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
XDXD

We played 4 days out of 5 and the first 3 days we were 1 and 2 consistently. On the last day, we won all three matches! 3 and 0!

If that made no sense, this is basically what I just said:
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday we played three matches each day. Out of those three matches, we only won one of them.

So, yeah, my high school volleyball career is officially over. I nearly cried when I said it out loud. These past five years have been so amazing. I've met some amazing people and made some very good friends.
This year was the best, though. It started out a little rocky, but by the time we got back to San Diego, we were all hugging and laughing and making plans to get together during the last 6 weeks of summer.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I'm writing a story based on my blog ramblings/real-life experiences. The fourth chapter happened to be open when I booted up my laptop in Reno's airport and Laura asked what it was. I told her it was a story I was writing and the next thing I knew, it was like pre-school all over again. Laura had my laptop in her lap and she was sitting on the floor with the team surrounding her and listening to her read. It was better than getting reviews on fictionpress. I could actually SEE their reactions and HEAR their laughter and 'aww's. It was amazing. Lindsay even said that her favorite part was the 'in my pants' part. MY favorite part happened just after that, but...you know. :P


I think that's all I have to say about NY and Reno. Both trips were amazing and fun and unforgettable.
Now onto college! Yayyyyy!

When I got home, I had a huge packet of info from Etown, including all my email and ECWeb log-in stuff. I finally got my roommate survey done AND my email account set up AND my facebook network page updated. Not to mention, I almost have my ID number memorized. Haha.
I had to email one of my professors and he sent me back a survey to complete. But I got distracted by facebook about an hour ago and now I'm writing this instead of the survey.

Whoops.

I'll finish it before I go to bed tonight. Haha.

So, I counted how many days there are until I move. Not counting today, I have 35 days left. Which means I REALLY need to start packing. lol. I procrastinate way too much. Teresa's already done with packing. Mostly.

Ugh.

That's it for today. I'm a little scattered 'cause I'm tired (still recovering from a week of volleyball). Sorry.

I'm off to pack/finish the survey/goof off on facebook/memorize my ID number! Love ya!

<3

Where I Stand On Fairytales

Coco said my unplanned moment was like a fairytale.

And I suppose it would have been had it not been so bittersweet. I wish I could have a hell of a lot more unplanned moments like that. But after July, I can't.

Which is why it's not exactly a fairytale.

At least, it's not one I've ever heard of.

In fact, it's kind of like Grimm got bored at the end of my fairytale and decided to fuck me over.

Fucking Cinderella got to move into the fucking castle with her prince. I get to move 3000 miles away.




Fuck my life. (LOL--Superbad reference!)

<3 Kare

Spinning Stars on my Fingernails

Last night was incredible. Or, well, I guess it was this morning, haha. It's all thanks to Lucy for talking him into it. Lucy, you have no fucking idea how grateful I am that you did that. Seriously, I was going to go on with my life without ever knowing if it was one-sided or not. And now I know it's not and it feels like...like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I've held onto this love for him for three years and it's finally been justified. It hasn't just been me feeling these things. He's been feeling them, too. He even told me that he's never felt the way he does around me with anyone else. And he and I are just so connected. We talked for about 45 minutes early this morning (around 12:15 AM) and he said everything that I've been thinking. We can't be together because we want more than just two months together. We're not going to tie each other down because that just wouldn't be right. We're not going to keep a long-distance relationship because that's just not how we work. It's all bad timing (notice how he used the same terminology as me).

But you know what's amazing? We spilled our hearts out to each other and nothing changed between us. We were still best friends. We're still able to laugh and make sexual suggestions without it being awkward. At all. And we can be open about our attraction for each other now, which makes it a lot easier to joke and flirt with him. I love that. I really, really do. Because if I had lost my best friend because of this, I would have been crushed.

He told me, however, that if/when I come back to CA, and if we're both single, we can try it. If there's still something there, he wants to see if what we have can take us to places we've never been before. And hopefully that same chemistry will be there in four years. And hopefully we'll reach a place called love. That love every girl dreams about. That love every musical artist sings about. I think we could have that some day and I'm going to hold onto that.


But you want the juicy details, right? Not just some description of the emotional roller coaster
I went on this morning. :P

We finished talking about everything and he walked me to the door. My mom was awake (and on facebook, no less), so she let us in and we talked for a while about facebook and how I'm not going to add her until I'm safely across the country. Then Matt and I tried to figure out a day we could hang out on and that led to discussion of how the entire month of August is booked for him. He said he was taking a philosophy course and I told him to call me (as long as it's late at night) for help because I'm very thoughtful and philosophical when I'm half asleep.

Generally what went down after I said that:
"Really? You're philosophical when you're tired? Tell me, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? In your mind?...In your nose...?"
I grinned and asked, "In my pants?"
He burst out laughing, pulled me outside onto the front step, said, "I love you," and kissed me.

To be honest, I was a little distracted during this kiss. You see, I've never actually kissed someone with facial hair before. It's...distracting. Like, I thought it was going to scratch my face off, but then I thought that was absurd and decided I could get used to it. And by the time I was done thinking about that, he was pulling away and saying good night. So I didn't even really get to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy it. But his stubble caught me off guard.

I feel the strangest need to laugh out loud right now.

I'm so fucking ridiculous.


Have an absolutely fucking amazing day!!!!!!! <3<3<3

Karaline is irrevocably, unashamedly

In love.

And it hurts because I'm leaving in August for the opposite side of the country. He's absolutely perfect for me, but I can't have him because I'm leaving and it would be cruel to try and start something now. And I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I've been in love with him for years, but if I tell him, I'll also have to tell him how much it hurts me to not be able to take our relationship to a more intimate level. I would like to ask him to wait 4 years for me. That's all I need. Four years. But I can't. I can't tie him down like that. I can't tie myself down. I may meet someone in college and end up falling in love with them. But I'll never forget my first love. The love I could never expand upon. My secret, burning passion.

I just started crying and I'm not sure why. But I nearly cried earlier. We danced every slow dance (except one) and all of them had the same message: "I'm so in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side." And it hit me that I can't spend the rest of my life with him at my side because I'm moving away. He'll find a new girl, or maybe a few more. He'll fall in love with one of them, and I'll watch their wedding, wishing it was me in that white dress, standing beside him and feeling so full of love and joy and amazingness. I'll cry then, too. I'll say I always cry at weddings so no one knows the truth.


Bad timing. Everything is based on bad timing. And maybe God's telling me something. Maybe I'll come back from PA with my bachelors degree and he'll bump into me at the airport and just...blurt it out. Because I know he feels the same. I KNOW it. He's proven it so many times that he loves me, too, but...I don't think he knows he does. Or maybe he does and he's feeling the same as I am and trying to date other people because he can't have me. Maybe that's why all his relationships die like mine do.

I'm not a big believer in fate, but I think he and I are supposed to be together. I think we could have that fairytale romance that every girl wishes for.

Maybe in four years.


God, I wish...things were different. I wish I could just say...

Matt, I love you. I always have. "I don't know how you do what you do. I'm so in love with you. It just keeps getting better. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side. Forever and ever. Every little thing that you do...baby, I'm amazed by you."

Just because.

I get really fucking weird at this time of night. Like, I'm usually weird, but...at this time, I'm like, "Holy shit, throw that chick in the looney bin!" It's just...weird.

Also, I get really deep and introspective. Haha. I just wrote this long, self-observant note on facebook about how I never follow through on shit that I get excited for. It's really sad. But the point is, it's probably my best writing. Which means, if I ever want to pursue a career in writing, I'll simply have to become nocturnal.

I think I'm weirder on here than anywhere else. Mainly because only one person reads this, haha. I'm also more open here because, well, only one person reads this shit. Which is really a creative waste. I write all my best shit on here and...only one person fucking reads it. What the fuck.


By the way, I also cuss a lot at this time of night.


It's...late. I'm going to bed now.

Goooooooooooood night (morning)!

Love always,
Karaline

Special, One-Time-Only Second Blog!

BOYS.

So, it's been made clear that boys happen sometimes. More often than not, it usually sucks when they do happen. But don't give up hope!! There ARE some good guys in this world! I'm not sure if you have to look for them or if they come to you on their own, but eventually, the women of the world will actually fall in love with the right one and the whole 'boy' thing will not be made of fail.

This said, I have fallen for the right boy. It was just the wrong time and now I'm pissed because prom is another wrong time. I can't make him wait for four years, though. That's a fact of life. He doesn't know what he wants and I probably don't either. I may think I do, but I still have a lot of growing up to do. That goes for every girl my age. He might be perfect now, but remember: love is blind. Don't go looking for faults, but don't pretend they don't exist. I could've told plenty of girls that the guy they liked was really just a two-faced ass, or not even worth their time. I can't say so now, 'cause it would hurt their feelings. Somehow I think the girls I have in mind will know who they are when they read this, though.

A hermit crab can change its shell, but it can't change the fact that it's still a crab and has scary pincers and claws.

Yes, I did just liken boys to hermit crabs. 'Cause let's face it. Boys are. They are semi-aquatic organisms who grow out of shells (read: girls), throw them away, and obtain new ones.

I would like to think that girls are never semi-aquatic organisms, but that would be just as stupid as saying that a boy has no faults. But usually, girls are like...cats. Graceful, adorable, and finicky. One minute we'll be purring against your chest, the next we're scratching your eyes out. But we'll look fabulous while we're doing it, which is much more of a task than you might believe it to be.

This wasn't actually supposed to be a rant on boys and girls. It was supposed to be a rant about falling victim to the opposite sex. I believe in love and I believe that there are good boys and girls out there. I just don't believe that at the age of seventeen you can get so hung up on the opposite sex that you're completely crushed when they claw your eyes out/change their shell. It's to be expected at this age. I don't want to seem harsh and I know I obsessed for a while when my heart was 'broken', but we all have to move on. Life does not end here. Don't let one boy/girl stop you from living your life to the fullest.

Life won't end unless you let it. Remember that, please.

Endless love,
Karaline (I might as well just come out and say my real name, since Lucy already has. :P)

Three Parts Today

I haven't been on here for a while. Actually, I was a few days after my last post, but my power went out and I lost everything that I'd typed (which was a lot), so I gave up and didn't try to rewrite it all.

Aside from that, I've been pretty busy. There have been prom things, end-of-the-year projects, family members, parties, award ceremonies, and a lot of disappointment and laughter. But all of that doesn't matter anymore. Because one of my random mind babies is actually going to stay out of the EBO and grow up to be a well-developed mind child with a good, determined core.

In short, I am creating a vlog. It's not just me, either. It's Teresa, Jenelle, Lucy, possibly Claire, and me. You see, three of us are leaving for the East coast and the other two are going to commit suicide without us to entertain them on a daily basis (or vice versa). Therefore the Five West Coast Girls was born! Each of us will take a weekday and make a 2-4 minute long vlog about our day/week/weekend/latest obsession/latest irritance/etc. We'll post on the same youtube account and be able to keep in touch while we're away from each other for four years.

They say the average high school graduate only stays in contact with two of their high school friends.

I say nay.

I will stay in contact with FOUR of them.

Suck it, national standard.


Ahem. In other news, I have finished watching vlogbrothers! Yes, that's right! I watched an entire years' worth of video blogs and it only took me two months (give or take a week or two) to do it in! I think I should get a nerdfighter award. Or I should contribute to some cause to decrease worldsuck....Oh wait! I AM! I'm bringing in a huge bag of recyclables to my English teacher tomorrow and all the proceeds go to an organization called DUH, who will then use the money to sponsor impoverished children in third world countries! How awesome is that?! I'm so excited!


Part 3: Grad party!
My family and I have reached a general agreement that my Harry Potter Grad Party will commence on the 13th of June! We will have Quidditch, food, butterbeer, cookies, other desserts, a group rendition of 'Voldemort Can't Stop the Rock', and maybe a wrock concert from Marked As His Equal (I have yet to ask him if he's available and how much he'll want to be paid for a show). Reesa and I will be decorating invitations throughout the week and sending them out to all the invitees. You will either be in Slytherin or Gryffindor (prepare to be pwned by the green and silver if your invitation is red and gold) for Quidditch, so come prepared to play. Brooms will be provided. :)


I think that's about it. I have to go write a screen-play for government now, so...adieu!

Love always,
Kat

Prom Court

Found out today that I'm one of six girls in the running for Prom Queen. How crazy is that? Like, I've never been nominated for anything like this before. Ever. And now I can't help but be excited for prom. I'm not saying that I wasn't before, but now it's like, wow, I might actually have a good reason to go (aside from a prom night stand that may or may not happen, haha). The point is, I'm excited for prom now. I'm getting my dress in for alterations on Thursday, also the day of the spring concert, and I should have it back next week.

Some people think I've waited too long to get my dress altered. I say nay. I think I was smart in doing so because I've gained 15 pounds of muscle since I first tried on the dress. All I have to do is stay the same shape and size for a couple weeks and my dress will fit perfectly. What now, all you girls who are dieting to get back to the weight you were when you got your dresses altered? My procrastination has actually paid off this time! Yayyyyyyy! :D


So, yesterday, I said I'd finish writing about Brandon's love letter to me. I'm lazy, though, so I'm just going to copy and paste it in here.

"I feel really awkward writing this but here it goes...

I am sorry for what I did and obviously I want to apologize. I broke up with you for reason and without first talking to you. I knew even before I did it that it was a stupid and irrational thing to do and I cannot forgive myself for it.

When I got your letter a shit load of things went through my mind, and, seeing as how I was raised pessimistic, they were all negative. First thing I was thinking was the fact that you had given me a letter and not talked to me (didn't factor in the cold and that still kills me) and that made me feel like you didn't care. Second thing were the answers. The way that I read them was in a negative way (obviously) and in the mind set that you didn't care whatsoever.

I still cannot believe that I did it and am still in shock. I have yet to even think of an excuse that would make any of it more sensible or sane.

I am sure you have moved on and couldn't give a flying fuck about me anymore after all that but I must say that I have not lived a day without thinking about what an ass I was and how stupid I was to break up with you. I know that I will never get you back but would give anything for a chance at such a thing.

I loved you then
I love you now,
I think of you
and yet somehow,
I did you wrong
and made you cry
so here alone
I lay and die.

(I don't write poetry and yet I made that up on the spot =p...sorry enough fucking around)

Again I wanted to say that I am sorry and that I don't know why I did what I did other than the fact that I was paranoid and took simple things too far.

Thanks for reading this (if you did...wouldn't blame you for not) and I hope to hear back from you with any sort of response in any way shape or form.

Love,
Brandon"

I think it's funny how he assumed that I cried. *snort*

I then received a text message reading, "Would you please reply the the message I sent you on myspace?"

First of all, replying was optional on my part. Second, no, I'm not going to reply. Not now, at least. Stop being a selfish ass. I was actually going to plan out a nice, long letter explaining why you should get over me because there's no way in hell I would ever go back to you. You're an assfuck with an ego and a small dick. Get over yourself. You're not that fucking smart.

Okay, so that was a short letter and you would probably hate me. Which is what I want, right? But then again, I'm nonconfrontational.

I'll send that letter after I'm safely on the other side of the country. :)


I'm exhausted and coming down with a cold, so I'm going to bed now. Good night, loves!

Dear Lord, He Became a Poet for Me

Yes, that's right. My dumbass ex-boyfriend wrote me a poem about how he still loves me. WTF. Why are boys so...stupid?

I seriously can't WAIT to go back East. New boys, new atmosphere, new drama, new memories, new friends. It'll be a fucking relief. That is, if I can last that long.

So, here's basically what's been happening:
I've rediscovered feelings for an old flame and I realized that's why all my relationships have been fucked up. I'm still desperately in love with this guy. It helped that Trent was ignoring my existence for over a month so I could figure all this out and it made it a lot easier to break up with him after he finally started talking to me again. Yes, that's right. We're done. And I'm proud to say that I did the dumping this time. I took the initiative and it's been a weight off my shoulders. He didn't have a backbone anyways.
That was Wednesday last week. Before that, my computer's C drive got fried from, like, a zillion viruses and I lost EVERYTHING. Except pictures and my shared music. Which means, I lost all my wizard rock, sims, sims downloads, stories, assignments, emails, and iTunes. It sucks. And then my dad's IQ dropped and he gave me a 20 gig C drive to replace my 150 gig one. Umm...not gonna work. My sims takes up 18 gigs. Yeah. I don't have room for anything.

I'm going to go now and edit my Hamlet video. I'll finish this later with a copy of DBEWMB's poem. :P

Day After 4/20 = Gossip Girl and John Green

I've been needing to update this thing and since I've got 52 minutes to waste before the newest episode of Gossip Girl comes on, well...I've got absolutely nothing else to do. Except this. Yayyy!

First up: Canadia!
The beginning of the trip = crap. But I was interviewed for KPBS. Which was extremely awesome. I also improvised a song about how much American Airlines fails at life for KPBS. Again, awesome.

Commercial break!

When looking for an airline that's reliable, safe, and friendly...don't fly American Airlines.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Anywho, we got to Canadia (finally) and the lady at customs freaking yells at me for saying 'what?' instead of 'pardon?' or 'excuse me?'. wtf. Go back to Quebec. And fuck yourself.

We did a lot of stuff there. Like...
-Saw The Wizard of Oz!
-Worked out at the YMCA and laughed at 'pool foulings'
-Went to THREE different malls--yes, three.
-Had some heart-to-heart talks at THREE IN THE MORNING.
-Were extremely sleep-deprived
-Competed against one other women's choir. And came in second place.
-Met some awesome guys from Dallas, TX
-Two words: O Canada.
-Decided American money should have sparkly stripes like Canadian money
-Tried to walk like the jolly walking man
-Sang in a church
-Impersonated the adjudicator who looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame doing interpretive dance
-Made friends with an 80-year-old
-Slept on a bus and got multiple embarrassing pictures taken
-Ate ketchup chips and fell in love
-Left our hearts at the top of the CN Tower
-Planned to send clickable Sharpies to Kieth so that he'll vouch for us to come back to the country
-Decided Jessica is a porn star
-Got massages every night from Chelsea
-Had fries for lunch. And nothing else.
-Laughed. A lot. Like, no kidding. It was non-stop.

That's basically it. I couldn't explain all the inside jokes or stuff that we did. It's kinda hard to justify.

Second on the agenda: Schoolsuck
I can't really believe it, but I'm not failing English. Like, wow. I haven't turned in an essay (among other things) and I've still got a 63%. Holy shit. I'm clearly made of awesome.

Senior activities were cool...well, they would have been if I'd actually BEEN THERE. Yeah. I got sick. With the fucking flu. omgwtfbbq. I'm pissed. I heard the comedy group was amazing and it would have been totally amazing to chill with friends on Thursday. But no. I was there on Monday (I ditched English, go figure), Tuesday (in which I spent the entire time doing a practice AP test), and Friday (which I felt nauseous throughout). Last week can definitely be classified as schoolsuck.

Third: Nerdfighters and Gossip Girl
OMG. John and Hank Green are...amazing. I understand why everyone's so in love with them. They're fantastic. And hysterical. John especially. I really want to read his books now.

"Lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, John Green!!"

Plus, Lauren says Finding Alaska is a great book. Personally, I'm looking forward to the book that comes out in September. :D

So, basically, I watched two and a half months worth of brotherhood 2.0 in the past three hours because I couldn't stand to wait for Gossip Girl tonight. I've seen the four sneak preview clips from CWTV on youtube and it looks soooooooooooooo freakin' good. It's ridiculous. I can't WAIT.

28 minutes and counting.


Ummmmmmm...what to talk about.

Ooh! My new computer! Well, okay, it's not new. My old C drive was fried from a virus, so my dad gave me a new one and put most of my old on on a different drive. He failed to get all my wizard rock and, more depressingly, my sims.

If you've never played a legacy on sims (or, God forbid, never played sims), they take FOREVER. What with custom content slowing down the game and sims taking forever to age and get through university...it just takes a really long time.

I started my legacy with Lauren and Alex, both wizard rockers who will eventually end up married, even if Alex was and sometimes still is a douche bag to Lauren (in real life, that is).
Anyways, I started with them, both family aspiring sims. They had their first daughter, Bethany. She was hideous. Not gonna lie. Then they had twins, Sabrina and Salem (yes, I am that cruel). Sabrina = gorgeous. She was my legacy heir. Salem wasn't too bad, but he needed a nose job, like, pronto, so I put Bethany in uni studying drama. I figured she'd be able to fix her face AND Salem's eventually. After them came another set of twins, Zoe and Darren. Zoe was pretty, but Darren was...well, he definitely wasn't hot. But he wasn't as hideous as Bethany, either. Anyways, after them came Milo and...his brother. Can't remember his name. Then I went to university and paired everyone up, except for Sabrina who didn't go to uni and got married to Fletcher Berkowitz, who, oddly enough, is the father of Katy, who married Salem. But it's not incestuous at all. Katy's mother never actually existed, so...anyways...

Darren got engaged to Michelle Kearney (the one townie who was actually pretty enough to maybe produce pretty children) and ended up getting her pregnant, so they moved out of the dorm and into their own house where they raised a daughter, Athalia. Athalia was not black, but I thought she deserved a name that was...out there. So I flipped to a random page in my baby name book and gave her the first unusual name I found. Michelle and Darren graduated, moved into a house down the street from Alex and Lauren, got married, and had a son. I don't remember what his name was 'cause I only had him in the game for half an hour before I quit the game. Little did I know that I would never start up that game again to show those characters any more love and affection. Sabrina never gave birth to her first child. Salem never got his nose job. Bethany never stopped being ugly. Hell, Zoe didn't even have the chance to get engaged to her boyfriend. And Athalia never even got her first kiss.

:(

It was a sad, sad day.

But I can't reflect anymore because Gossip Girl starts in five minutes.

Bye, loves!!!!

Moms + Hospitals = Speculation

So, Lucy's mom just got out of the hospital, once the doctors got their act together and actually figured out what the hell was going on with her. Now Reesa's mom's in the hospital with a kidney stone that was supposed to pass on its own. They gave her pain meds and sent her on her merry way, and now she's got a temperature of 100 degrees and she can't stand up without getting dizzy.

I don't get it. First Anne's mom, then Lucy's, now Reesa's. It makes me wonder when it'll be my mom's turn. I used to worry a lot my junior year when my mom wasn't on anti-depressants. I think, maybe, that's what made my junior year so shitty. That and my huge fight with Lucy that took us forever to overcome. But I used to wonder everyday if I'd come home and find out that my mom had committed suicide 'cause she thought she was a bad mother and had nothing to live for. She scared me when she talked like that. She scared Rissy, too. But what were we supposed to do? Dad wasn't home and Mom was...depressed. Suicidal. I didn't want to go to school and I didn't want to come home afterwards 'cause I didn't want to know what had happened while I was gone.

I wasn't just worried because she's my mom. I love her. She's not always the best mother in the world, but, c'mon, she's my mom. No, the reason I was worried was because Anne had just lost her mom. I mean, it was a little different considering the fact that Mrs. J was sick for over a decade before she died, but my mom had a serious mental illness. She dug up some repressed memories and I think they pushed her over the edge. She wasn't always so crazy. She used to have fits of rage when she was still in college and I was in kindergarten. I remember one time, she flipped the coffee table over, slipped on her way into the kitchen, and broke her pinky. She was crying in the middle of the floor and I was crying because I was scared out of my mind. For God's sake, I was five. What was I supposed to do?
I don't think she remembers what was going on before she broke her finger. Every once in a while, she brings up her crooked finger, and all I can think of is, "You flipped the coffee table that day because you were mad at the world. And me."

When things like that happened, I would always go to the balcony. That was back when we lived in a two-story house. There was a balcony outside my dad's office (later it became my room once Rissy was born) and I would sit on it, talking to myself until I felt better. I didn't need someone to talk to. I was content with exploring my emotions on my own. I still do that. I still pull away when people ask me what I'm thinking or feeling. I can figure it out on my own, given the time. Sometimes, I write it down. That's why I ended my fight with Lucy with a letter. I can express myself in written words much easier than in spoken words, mainly because after a while I realized that my parents could just stick their head out the kitchen door and hear whatever I was saying to myself. I started reading avidly then. I would immerse myself in fantasy fiction. Somehow, that helped, too. I could relate to characters and get out all my feelings through them.

Wow. Walk down memory lane.

I don't think I've had so much inner reflection in a long time. It's hard for me to look at myself sometimes. I don't think I like me very much. There are parts of me that I love. And there are parts of me that I wish didn't exist. My parents used to ask me why I wasn't more like so-and-so whenever I disappointed them. It kind of made me wonder why I wasn't good enough that I couldn't just be myself.

Fuck. I'm crying.

04/04/08

AKA Senior Ditch Day. Also, the best day of my life. Even though it only started 16 minutes ago.

I'll probably write tonight about everything. It should be a lot of fun. I'm only going to choir 'cause, let's face it, we need practice and there are only 5 days left until Canada. And I'm just getting my voice back to full power. I need to be there.
After choir, Reesa and I are going to In-n-Out for the most amazing food in California, and then we're going back to her house to watch Enchanted and other movies with the ever gorgeous James Marsden. :P


That's pretty much all I had to say. It's late. I've been reading fictionpress. Trying to find new stories to get hooked on. I've found three so far, so maybe it won't be so torturous waiting for Myrika and SouledChampion to update. Ugh.

I need to write. It's been weeks since I've been really inspired to continue my newest story. If I read a good book or two (or a couple stories), I'll probably find something in me that will propel me to finish chapter 2 of 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Mr. Right?'

You never know, though.


So, I'm tired. Ridiculously. Tired. The US history video project took forever. And I had to leave music out of it 'cause my computer was being a butt. Grr.


Like I said, it's late. I need to go to bed.

Goooooood night!

Senioritis

I am, for absolute sure, done with high school. It's not even funny. I woke up this morning, the first day after spring break, and I seriously considered staying home and sleeping in. I've always said I would do something like that, but I was never lazy/stupid enough to do it. Until today. But I got my ass out of bed (eventually) and had to forgo a shower just to make it to school on time. Not that the shower was a problem as I had taken one yesterday afternoon.
Oh, and at school, I was unbelievably tired. Like, I know I just played three days of volleyball and only got 5 hours of sleep, but I have never been that tired before! I think it was a combination of the lack of effort and the muscle/mind fatigue...but nevertheless, I went through the entire day without too many complaints (there were a few occasional, "I want to go home," lines in there), and forced enough energy out of myself to go to Barnes and Noble to write an essay with Reesa and then go to an AP review session with Lucy.

And now I can barely keep my eyes open. They hurt. They're dry. They're not done yet 'cause I still have to finish my effing essay.

Ugh.

Anywho, I thought I'd keep it short today. It was a crappy, boring first day back at school. And I'm totally done with it. Bring on summer break and college. I'm more than ready.

Home

Just got back yesterday from Pennsylvania, and boy, do I have stories!

Last Thursday, I left on a plane to D.C. I had to wait about 20 minutes for my next flight and there was only one chair left at the gate, so I asked the lady next to it if I could sit there. She was really nice and said I could, then we went to politely ignoring each other. This woman down the row of seats was talking really loudly on her cell phone and her conversation was really funny (from what I could tell), so the lady next to me and I started laughing to ourselves. Now, I hadn't eaten much at all that day, so I was pretty much starving. I think the lady must have known that, 'cause she asked if I wanted a bag of Cheetos. Like everyone else, I grew up knowing not to take food from strangers, so I told her 'no,' even though I did want them. She left me alone for a few more minutes until the guy at the gate announced something. He must have been from South Africa, 'cause his accent was so think that neither of us could tell what he'd said. Therefore, we got into a discussion about accents and dialects. Next thing I knew, I had a bag of Cheetos and a new friend. Haha. Airports are amazing.
On the flight to Harrisburg (in which the plane stayed so low to the ground that one could see individual houses if one chose to look out the window), I was in the VERY front row. It was awesome. Then this guy sat down next to me and he asked me if I was going home. Mind you, he asked me with one of the most gorgeous accents I've ever heard. I said I was going to visit colleges and that I came from California, then I asked him if he was going home. He told me no, and that he actually lived in Germany, but he was originally from New Zealand and he was in the states for work. Yeah. I meet the most awesome people ever in airplanes. Haha. I kept on talking to him throughout the entire flight just to hear his accent. I know. Creeper. That's me.

I was the third person off the plane, so the lady who was picking me up didn't see me. I didn't see her, either, so I just went down to baggage claim, literally walked up and picked my luggage up, then headed back to the restrooms. I still didn't see anyone after that, so I called Randall (volleyball coach), but he didn't answer his phone. By that time, the airport was pretty much deserted, so I took a seat by baggage claim to wait. I talked to Teresa and my dad for a while on the phone and intermittently called Randall a couple more times. Finally, I got in touch with Randall and he told me Debbie Murray was there to pick me up with a bright pink sign with my name on it. Then he told me to wait where I was while he called Debbie. A minute later, Debbie was there and we had a good laugh about the mix-up while we got to her car. She gave me the sign she had, too. :) I felt cool.
Anywho, the ride to Elizabethtown was about 20 minutes, so we talked the entire way about how tan I was (I promptly told her that I glow in the dark where I'm from), how exciting it is to experience new cultures (Woo, culture shock!), and how awesome Etown is (It is. It really is.). She dropped me off for dinner at 6:55 (the caf closes at 7, by the way. We were cutting it really short.) and I managed to get a cheeseburger and a salad before they closed up.

Then I got to meet my first overnight host, Dani. She's a music therapy major and had a role in the opera that weekend. She was also extremely awesome. Haha. Her roommate's a volleyball player, so that was...interesting. Kathy. She is, um...a partier. She and the girls next door got me to play drums in Rock Band (I guess I didn't suck too bad. 80%)...then they decided to take shots. That was when I left.
I went to classes with Dani the next day and, by far, percussion class was the most fun. I got to play the drums with everyone else and Dani and I had fun messing everyone up with random rhythms. :P
After classes, we met up with Travis (aka gay, black Travis) and Nate (aka Sugar) to go to Chocolate World in Hershey. OMG. Best smelling town in the world. We were driving into Hershey with the windows down and I just about died at the smell. It was basically the most amazing experience ever.
Chocolate World had this ride in it where you go through the chocolate factory (not the real one) and there are singing cows singing about milk chocolate and other yummy stuff. Dani, Travis, and Nate are all music majors. All of them were in the opera. They sang with the cows throughout the ENTIRE ride. I couldn't stop laughing.

We got back to the college and I met up with my second host, Kelly, a freshman elementary education major. Her roommate was my next host, so I got to spend two nights with her and Kaitlin. Friday, I texted Lauren Fairweather (from The Moaning Myrtles, in case you didn't know) and told her I was free for that night. Then she told me she was in Schlosser on the third floor. It just so happened that I was in Schlosser on the second floor. And Kaitlin was friends with Lauren. So we invited her down with her guitar and we had a musical party! She sang a whole bunch of songs for us and I sang the 'ba ba's on 'Flushed' with her. It was awesome! I got some video of her singing 'Accio Bodyguard' on my phone (now on facebook), but it's really short and the video is really crappy. Oh well.
After we had the music party, we went to dinner in the caf and then we went to Founders and partied with Travis (straight, white Travis) until about 1 AM. The four of us were the only completely sober ones there. It was a riot. Travis kept on coming up to me and asking if I liked Etown, then he would go to the bathroom, come back, get another beer, finish it, ask me again, go to the bathroom...and so on and so forth. He got up to 10 beers and Lauren and I decided to leave. I chilled with her and her roommate until 3 AM, then Kelly came back and took me up to her room to crash.

Saturday I had the admitted students thing and the scholarship award ceremony. Right before the ceremony, Dr. Haines (music professor) came up, shook my hand, and said 'congratulations.' I asked him what for and he said, "Well, probably by the time you get home, you'll have two very nice letters from the music department." I flipped out! Not only did that mean I got into the music program, but I got a scholarship, too! I was totally stoked for the rest of the day. :D
Debbie was the speaker for the ceremony and she went through the names of the students who won scholarships (along with their home town, state, and high school) in alphabetical order. When she got to me, she said something about, "For coming the farthest to receive this award..." and then she said I was from California and about three people behind me tapped my shoulder and told me congratulations. lol.

The rest of the day, we just chilled in the dorm room and watched movies. Kelly's boyfriend came that evening and we went to see Mad Cow, the improv comedy group on campus. It was the second ever rated R show they'd had, so everything was innuendo or blatantly sexual. XD But mainly, it was hysterical. And since I knew one of the guys in it, I got to make a suggestion for the game 'paper trail'. We had to think of famous movie phrases, and I said, "Say hello to my little friend." It was the first line used in the game and the girl who got it totally worked with it! "Say hello to my little friend! The no-no finger!" Like, she didn't even have to think about it. She fit it into her monologue seamlessly. Amazing.

Sunday, I slept in until 11:30, put on my volleyball gear, went down to Giant with Kaitlin and Kelly to get water and shampoo, then came back for a volleyball clinic. See, it's illegal for Randall to have me practice with the team, but since it was a clinic, it was totally legal for me to play. He was definitely impressed, so that was good. :)
One of the players, Katie, offered to host me that night, so I got her number, went back with Kelly, took a shower, and headed to the other corner of campus to move in with Katie. We had a Harry Potter Marathon with her boyfriend and Tom (who hates Harry Potter, incidentally). Then we got hungry (even though we'd just eaten at the caf) and went out to McDonald's for fries and shamrock shakes. When we got back, we finished the 3rd movie and Tom and I gushed about Inn-N-Out burgers for a while. Haha. He'd been to NorCal once and he said they were the best burgers he'd ever eaten. I said if I had a million dollars, I would probably eat there every day. He agreed. :P

On Monday, Katie dropped me off at Zug (music building) with Jackie (the star of the opera) and Kyle (ummm...he's really hot. And he sings. Yeah.) for music education classes. I was with Travis (gay) and Nate all day, again. It was great. Everyone always makes fun of Travis for being black (in a loving manner, of course. None of them are racist.), so when I got into Dr. Devroop's class, Travis gasped and told me I could sit with him, "In the corner. Apparently, that's where I belong." My response: "Why, 'cause you're black?"
Nate laughed and said, "She catches on quick!"
Yayyy!
That day was a lot of fun. Except for the bio lab I had to sit through, haha. It was either sit through bio, sit through a boring ethics lecture, or sit alone in the Blue Bean for two hours with nothing to do. I chose option a.

That afternoon, I moved in with Jackie, who, luckily for me, lived in Founders D (Katie was in Founders A). Gay Travis, Stu (also gay), Sheri (Jackie's best friend), Sarah (Sheri's roommate), and Rae (Jackie's roommate) were describing what the Saint Patties Day dance had been like, acting out what the black people at the dance had looked like (with help from Travis, 'cause he knew what was up, haha). I was laughing so hard that I totally ripped one off. It was soooo freaking funny. Sheri and Jackie started cracking up and I was like, "I'm so sorry!" and Jackie said, "Are you kidding me? You just initiated yourself! Welcome to Etown!!"
:D Yeah. Amazing.

I was supposed to leave Tuesday night at 6. I went to a few classes on Tuesday, then I met up with Randall outside admissions. We got to the airport at around 5 PM to find out that the flight was delayed because of the rain in PA and storms in Chicago. Then we found out that the flight that was supposed to take me to CA hadn't left Puerto Rico yet. It was funny, but not funny at the same time. I decided not to take the risk and chose a flight out the next morning at 6 AM. Randall took me back to school and into the gym to see if a volleyball player could host me that night. None of them could, so I called Lauren and she agreed to host me for that night.
We watched the Wrockstock DVD and then a whole bunch of things on youtube. She had a study group at 9:30, so I went with her and met up with straight Travis. We talked for an hour about the differences between San Diego and bumblefuck, Pennsylvania where he was from. Haha. He was like, "I drove a tractor to school my junior and senior year. I was also considered a genius, 'cause 3/4 of the school just didn't give a fuck since they were all going to be farmers anyways."
Yeah. Travis was pretty awesome. He was really stressed, though, 'cause he had a chem test the next day, so he was chewing tobacco the entire time I was talking to him. For a while, I didn't know what he was spitting in the bottle he had, but then I finally figured it out. Like, duh, tobacco is grown out here.

I woke up at 4:15 AM the next morning, changed into some jeans, put a shirt on over my pajama shirt, put on my shoes and a jacket, and headed for the door. Lauren woke up as I was leaving and gave me a huge hug and told me to have a safe trip home. :))))
On the second flight, I made her a sign that said, "I love Lauren from the Moaning Myrtles! Because she's awesome. And let me sleep on her floor. Yay!"
She loved it when she saw the picture. Haha.

So, I got home at 11 AM (I LOVE time zones.) and my mom picked me up and took me to Cotijas. It was the best burrito I'd ever eaten. Ever. Then I got home and instantly uploaded all the pictures from the week. :D

Yayyy!

PA or Bust!

Admitted Student Day for Etown is on Saturday. Plane tickets cost $550. Etown couldn't pay for the airfare. I got desperate and offered to pay for half. Etown accepted and is paying $275. Which means...

I'M GOING TO ETOWN THIS WEEKEND!

WHOOT!

So, I'm leaving at 8 AM on Thursday morning and arriving there (amidst fore casted SNOWSTORMS) at about 6 PM. I'll do stuff on Friday, then on Saturday I've got the student day and the scholarship award ceremony ($10,000, baby!) around lunch. Which will be awesome. Then I've got all of Sunday and Monday to chill on campus (maybe see my grandparents and/or aunt Julie), and I'm leaving Tuesday afternoon. I love time differences. I'm leaving Harrisburg at 5 PM and landing San Diego at 10:30 PM. Haha. Amazing. It's still 8 1/2 hours, but it's just amazing that it only LOOKS like 5 hours. I'm so easily amused.

So, yeah, I'm running on an hour and a half of sleep. Awesome. I went to bed late because of government stuff (24 pages of reading notes to do, PLUS directed questions. Ugh.), but I couldn't sleep. I listened to The Rocket Summer for, like, an hour and still didn't fall asleep, so I got up and decided to write ('cause that's usually the problem when I can't sleep. I just have too much to think about, so I need to write it all down.). I guess I got so wrapped up in writing that I didn't realize that it was 2:30 in the morning, so I was scared shitless when my mom opened my door and told me to go to bed 'cause I would never be able to wake up in the morning. So I went back to bed. And listened to more Rocket Summer. And Mae, Chris Daughtry, Taylor Swift, and Sara Bareilles. And yet, I was still awake at 4. I was starting to give up hope when I put on Spring Awakening. Bam. After three songs, I was out. "Touch Me," "The Word of Your Body," and "The Dark I Know Well". I was out. Then I woke up at 6 and spent the entire day at school feeling like I was on some hardcore drugs. Haha.

I love insomnia, sometimes, though. Like, I'm always the most creative at 3 AM. I feel really profound when I look at what I wrote later on. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I dunno. It's weird.


Anywho, nothing much to talk about besides Etown and lack of sleep. I mean, aside from ignoring Will's existence all day (which wasn't hard since I rarely see him anymore)...

Yeah.

[Insert really cool/lame ending to this blog here.]

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Not Potatoes.

This is a response to Lucy's blog post on myspace. Not only did that blog make me cry, it also made me furious.

First of all, I fucking HATE Will for making you feel the way you do. YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE. If he wants you to change to be "better" for him, then fuck him. You don't need him. You don't need someone telling you how to be. You're perfect the way you fucking are. Which, by the way, is another point. You are not ugly, nor are you average. If you ever say that about yourself again, I WILL bitch slap you into a coma until you forget about feeling worthless. Oh, and yes, I have felt that way before. Like you're nothing but a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe whenever you're around him. I KNOW how it feels.

Back to you, however. You are EXTRAORDINARY. If anyone tells you otherwise, they clearly don't know you. Or they're close-minded assholes who don't deserve to know you. You know I wouldn't lie to you, so I hope you believe me when you read this. We've had our ups and downs in our friendship, but at the end of the day, you're still my best friend and I hope to God I never do anything to hurt you the way Will has. He's marred your self esteem, played you for a fool, and confused you. No girl deserves treatment like that. Especially not a girl like yourself. Look at you. You're gorgeous, strong-willed, quick-witted, and, to quote the Rocket Summer, "You got so much love in you." Why waste it on a guy who's fat, stupid, blind, dumb, and useless? Seriously, the only thing he had going for him was that he had you. And now he doesn't. He should probably just choke on mashed potatoes and die. Slowly. From asphyxiation.

>:|

I'm seriously contemplating ripping off his nonexistent ball sac. Or, actually, I'll feed him testosterone pills until he grows some balls, then I'll cut them off with a dull, rusty butter knife. I don't know if I'd feel better, though. I mean, yeah, it would be satisfactory, but...would it be enough? No one gets away with making my best friend feel like shit. No one.


I will have my revenge.

Her Eggo...Might be Preggo...

Yikes. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad news today. I'm not going to mention by name who might be pregnant. She deserves privacy.

Anyways, she talked to me this morning and told me she was two days late. I thought she was being ridiculous 'cause she broke up with her boyfriend over a month ago. Then she told me that she'd had sex with him again in early February. After they'd broken up.
Not gonna lie, I was a little angry at her for that. But I'm more concerned about her maybe being pregnant than I am about her having sex with him again. Even though he's a douche and his father's a bigger douche.
So, basically, if she still doesn't have her period by Friday, we're going to go pick up a pregnancy test and Sunny D. Haha. It'll be the shopping trip of a lifetime.

That's basically all that happened today. Besides Lucy looking more gorgeous than normal. :D Oh, and Brandon talked to me on myspace, attempting to insult my intelligence...it didn't really work. See, our friend Jeff was suspended for running the black market at school (soda, candy, and energy drinks, not drugs) and there was a bulletin going around saying goodbye to the black market (which will never go away so long as Jeff is at school) and I copied and pasted it into my own bulletin to show Jeff some support. Then I get this message from DBWEMB saying, " ...you do know he is still going to sell right?...it doesnt end the market...just the vast quantities of the itmes sold..."

Ummm, what? What does that even SAY? And what are itmes? lol. But seriously, what is he trying to say here? What about the vast quantities? Damn it, DBEWMB, go back to kindergarten and learn English!!! Jeez!



Kay. I'm done. With that rant, that is. Here's the next one: Choir girls.

Mrs. Harrison was in meetings all day today, which worked out fine for Fanfare, 'cause Angela, Jenna and I ran the show. Then came WoVEn. You would think, wouldn't you, that 16 young ladies can sing through four pieces of music without starting World War III on the risers. As it happens, 14 out of 16 of them must have been PMSing, 'cause I swear we were all about to jump each other. All we had to do was critique ourselves. That worked fine for the Latin pieces. Then we got to 'When It Was Yet Dark' and when we finished, Nelle made a point about keeping time when we hold notes. Instantly, there were two girls making up excuses for not holding the notes the proper amount of time. "She's going to cut us off anyways, so why bother?" "Well, the counting's always off, so it's hard to tell when to cut off."

First of all, when the music says you hold a note for 6 beats, you hold it for six fucking beats, not one or two. Make a goddamn effort.
Second, if you can't count beats, then go back to kindergarten with Brandon and learn how to count from 1 to 6.

After all this went down, everything was shot to hell. Every time one of us suggested how to make a piece sound better, one or two people got offended and started defending themselves. It was stupid and a waste of time. Lacee tried to get them to shut up and Courtenay asked everyone to get along for, like, five minutes until we finished singing. They did and we started the last piece, 'O Canada.'
Of all the shit the choir girls pulled today, this got me the angriest. We got to the end of O Canada and some of us didn't know our notes as we had just learned the song a couple days ago. Coco was lovely and played the Soprano 2's notes for them on the piano to help them out. The only S2s that paid attention were Joy and Jenelle and they worked for at least ten minutes trying to get their part perfect. And Jenelle's not even going to Canada.
What were the others doing during this time?
Well, Amber and Laura were huddled by the door behind some chairs to complain to each other, Courtenay and Sam were off doing their own thing at a table, Alexis and I were waiting to get help from Coco, and everyone else was talking. Loudly. So I got up while Nelle and Joy were working, and Alexis helped me write a letter to Mrs. Harrison telling her what had happened. It was frustrating because we didn't know why they were all acting like bitches to each other.

Gahhhh. I hate chicks sometimes. We're ridiculous.

Musically (and Frustratedly) Yours,
Ginny

Worry, worry, worry

That's right, I'm worried. About what, you ask? Friends. Life. The future.

Jenelle's been depressed, but she won't say anything about it. Reesa and I have come up with some highly plausible reasons for it, but Nelle won't ever bring it up.
Lucy's been...Lucy. Heart broken Lucy. She puts a smile on for the day, but I can just feel it when something's wrong. Something's definitely wrong.
Thomas doesn't have a date to prom anymore, so Nelle wants to ask him to go with her as just friends. Coco wants to go to prom in Angela's group, but she can't unless she has a senior as her date, so she wants to go with Nick. Nelle's in love with Nick, but Nick is enamored with Joy, and Joy doesn't like Nick or her current boyfriend, Nathan. Oh, and Reesa wants Coco to go in our group to prom.

High school love is just so freaking confusing sometimes. And, like, it's not real. All those stories about marrying a high school sweetheart are, like, one in a million. Seriously, the average person only maintains a good relationship with two high school friends after graduation. I'll probably have two or three: Reesa, Lucy, and Nelle. My east coast buddies. :)

So, back to Nelle.
She's gorgeous and talented and funny and amazing. She thinks she's ugly because she's overweight. And she's humble when it comes to her amazingness. But it's not like she's disgustingly obese. She knows how to pull it off! And personally, Nelle wouldn't be Nelle without her...voluptuousness. She's Jenelle and she can work the weight.
So, anyways, since she believes she's ugly, she also believes she'll never get the guy (read: Nick). And then there's her mom who is so overprotective that Nelle's not even allowed to apply to college. They're moving to North Carolina and Nelle has to go to a JC there. Um...what the hell? Matt was fine at State and I'm pretty sure her two older sisters were fine at 4-year universities, too. Why does Nelle get left out? Sure, her grades aren't the best, but State would probably take her anyways. It's State.
The other reason she's depressed: Canada. Our choir is going to Canada for 5 days. Nelle's mom is, as I said, overprotective and won't let her leave the country. Which means Nelle's stuck learning all these songs that she doesn't even get to perform. And she's always left out of the Canada excitement and discussions because she's not going. I really wish she was. I love Nelle and I need her singing beside me. When she's not, I don't feel as confident or as awesome. :(

Now, onto prom. I have a date. I promised my date I would go with him about a year ago. My date is not my boyfriend. At one point, I wished he was my boyfriend. I don't anymore. When I explained this to my boyfriend, he got...I dunno...quiet. I told him nothing would happen and that I'm totally not into this other guy. He's like my brother now and there's just no way...
I felt so bad. His only response was, "It's nothing to do with you, but I've been in a situation where 'nothing was going to happen' and the next thing I knew, my girlfriend left me for this other guy."
Here's the dilemma. I have to go with Matt. I've been planning on going with him for ages. But somehow I've got to ensure that Trent's okay with that. He has to know that he can trust me. I mean, Matt's already cleared this whole prom thing with his girlfriend and she's totally fine with it. She's really awesome, by the way. :)

So, yeah. Prom. Ugh. Like, I'm excited, but at the same time, I really don't want to be there when the drama explodes. I've had enough drama to last me a life time already.

There's probably more I have to say, but since I started writing this yesterday and my internet's about to crash, I figure I should end it here.

Musically yours,
Kat

Day 2

My day was absolutely amazing! It was like I couldn't be sad because I was wearing my Etown sweatshirt and I had my acceptance letter in my bag. I told Shannon in first period that I should be accepted to college every day since it puts me in such a good mood. Haha. I haven't been this happy since my break-up with DBEWMB (read: Brandon)! Which is actually kinda sad. In a funny way. Anyways, I've been battling two consecutive colds, the second one developed into bronchitis, so I've been fighting that, too, and then my vocal audition for the music program at Etown didn't go so well because I've had laryngitis for four and a half weeks straight. I've basically been a walking plague and I haven't been very...cheery lately. I could act like it if I really wanted to, but I felt so crappy that I didn't even try. And then today I was back to normal! :D

I've even gotten most of my voice back. Which I'll probably waste by the end of the day because I have practice and I have to yell a lot in it...>.< style="font-style: italic;">paying to play. I better freaking play if I'm paying good money, you know what I mean?

Anywho, as you can tell, I really don't want to go to practice. I already missed Sunday, though, and Thursday's practice was canceled, so I figure I should go just to keep myself in shape. *Sigh* Oh well. So much for saving my voice.

Random:
I think I'm going to start writing like Gossip Girl on here. lol. You know you love me!
Yes, I am addicted to that show. And the books are good, too. But I liked the show first. Which is rare for me. I usually fall in love with the book first, then scrutinize the show/movie and point out everything that's not canon. Haha! I'm such a nerd! XD

You know you love me,
Ginny

So, basically...

I've had blogs before, but I've always censored myself. Kind of. Haha. If you've read my other blogs, you'll understand why that's funny. But if you haven't, well, that's probably because you a) don't know me or b) I didn't like you enough to let you read it. :)

Anywho, I've decided this is going to be my uncensored blog. I don't care whose feelings I hurt, whose egos I squash, or who gets offended. This is me and my thoughts. Uncensored. It's going to be a bumpy ride, 'cause let me tell you, if I always said what I thought, no one would like me. Except maybe Lucy. She's kind of a glutton for punishment when it comes to brutal honesty. Oh, and since it's because of Lucy that I'm here, I'll try to keep up with the whole name-alias things. But I doubt if I'll be able to. If we happen to be talking about the same person, I'll use her alias. But if it's someone she's never talked about, I'll use their real names. Yay!

So, here's the overview:
I'm a senior in high school and I've been dying to get out of CA to go live on the east coast where all my family lives. I applied to only east coast schools (except one in AZ, but that was a fall-back school, anyways), and I've visited my top 3 schools: Elizabethtown (PA), Sweet Briar (VA), and UVA-Wise (VA).

I'm not really sure what it was about Etown that made me fall in love with it. I mean, the campus was absolutely GORGEOUS, first of all. Like, it's ridiculously pretty. Breath-taking, almost. Second, the PEOPLE. Oh my God. Everyone there was so hospitable! My dad and I were a little late to the open house in November, but when we walked in, we had about ten students and faculty around us giving us coffee, breakfast foods, and information packets. It was amazing. And then I met the volleyball coach. He was awesome! He definitely reminded me of Bert in that he was so laid back and easy to get along with. He set me up with free dinner with half the volleyball team and sent us on our way for the campus tour. Since we'd been talking to the coach for so long, we kinda missed the tour times, so we asked this random guy to give us the tour. Turns out, he's part of the improv comedy group on campus, so the tour was hysterical.

Now, before I explain why I decided it was my top school, there's one thing you must know: I'm a Harry Potter FREAK. I've read the books so many times that I know them inside and out. I search online for info not given in the books. I listen to MuggleCast religiously. I have a PiPa account. And I listen to wizard rock. I have more wiz rock than any other genre in my iTunes library. My favorite wrock band is called The Moaning Myrtles. Lauren and Nina are just amazing. Lauren happens to go to Etown. I was never really interested in the college, to be honest, until I got a card from them and an email from the vball coach. I decided to do a little studying and, while screwing around on facebook, I realized that Lauren went there. I asked her about it and she totally got me interested.

So, my dad and I are in line for food (which was SO good. Best food EVER.) when I look over and I see this girl who looks a lot like Lauren. But I didn't get a good look, so I didn't say anything. We get our food and we walk out to the tables and chairs and I see her sitting by herself. OMG. I flipped out. I dragged my dad over and I asked, "Hi, are you Lauren Fairweather?"
She looked up at me and smiled (because she's just the type of person who will smile at a perfect stranger) and said, "Yeah, that's me."
I told her I was the girl from facebook who had asked her about Etown and she invited us to eat with her. We talked about wrock for a bit, then my dad got involved with the conversation and asked about important things like the college and classes and everything. Basically, she was the most amazing person I've ever met. Like, seriously. She's so sweet, and sooo freaking nice! And she didn't think I was weird for fangirling her while she was trying to eat. Haha!
That was probably one of the best days of my life. Ever since, I've been determined to go to Etown.

And guess what?

I got accepted today!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDD I am unbelievably happy! I opened up the letter and the first thing I saw was a giant postcard saying 'YES' in huge letters. It didn't really register with me at first, 'cause I was really nervous about what the letter would say, and then I opened the letter and saw: "It is with great pleasure that I write to inform you of your admission to Elizabethtown College!"

And I started crying. My hands were shaking and the significance of the giant 'YES' finally hit me. I immediately called my BFFLs Lucy and Reesa and I ended up talking with Lucy for 2 hours and 17 minutes. Haha. It was amazing. I'm sooooooo happy! And relieved! I've been silently stressing about this for weeks. I haven't really told anyone how nervous I was about all this. Like, it was so uber important to me that I couldn't even verbalize it.

:)))))))

Happy, happy, happy. With a side of cyanide.

That's it for tonight!

Yours in Harry Potter nerdiness,
Ms. Weasley (aka Kat)