Karaline is irrevocably, unashamedly

In love.

And it hurts because I'm leaving in August for the opposite side of the country. He's absolutely perfect for me, but I can't have him because I'm leaving and it would be cruel to try and start something now. And I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I've been in love with him for years, but if I tell him, I'll also have to tell him how much it hurts me to not be able to take our relationship to a more intimate level. I would like to ask him to wait 4 years for me. That's all I need. Four years. But I can't. I can't tie him down like that. I can't tie myself down. I may meet someone in college and end up falling in love with them. But I'll never forget my first love. The love I could never expand upon. My secret, burning passion.

I just started crying and I'm not sure why. But I nearly cried earlier. We danced every slow dance (except one) and all of them had the same message: "I'm so in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side." And it hit me that I can't spend the rest of my life with him at my side because I'm moving away. He'll find a new girl, or maybe a few more. He'll fall in love with one of them, and I'll watch their wedding, wishing it was me in that white dress, standing beside him and feeling so full of love and joy and amazingness. I'll cry then, too. I'll say I always cry at weddings so no one knows the truth.


Bad timing. Everything is based on bad timing. And maybe God's telling me something. Maybe I'll come back from PA with my bachelors degree and he'll bump into me at the airport and just...blurt it out. Because I know he feels the same. I KNOW it. He's proven it so many times that he loves me, too, but...I don't think he knows he does. Or maybe he does and he's feeling the same as I am and trying to date other people because he can't have me. Maybe that's why all his relationships die like mine do.

I'm not a big believer in fate, but I think he and I are supposed to be together. I think we could have that fairytale romance that every girl wishes for.

Maybe in four years.


God, I wish...things were different. I wish I could just say...

Matt, I love you. I always have. "I don't know how you do what you do. I'm so in love with you. It just keeps getting better. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side. Forever and ever. Every little thing that you do...baby, I'm amazed by you."