Spinning Stars on my Fingernails

Last night was incredible. Or, well, I guess it was this morning, haha. It's all thanks to Lucy for talking him into it. Lucy, you have no fucking idea how grateful I am that you did that. Seriously, I was going to go on with my life without ever knowing if it was one-sided or not. And now I know it's not and it feels like...like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I've held onto this love for him for three years and it's finally been justified. It hasn't just been me feeling these things. He's been feeling them, too. He even told me that he's never felt the way he does around me with anyone else. And he and I are just so connected. We talked for about 45 minutes early this morning (around 12:15 AM) and he said everything that I've been thinking. We can't be together because we want more than just two months together. We're not going to tie each other down because that just wouldn't be right. We're not going to keep a long-distance relationship because that's just not how we work. It's all bad timing (notice how he used the same terminology as me).

But you know what's amazing? We spilled our hearts out to each other and nothing changed between us. We were still best friends. We're still able to laugh and make sexual suggestions without it being awkward. At all. And we can be open about our attraction for each other now, which makes it a lot easier to joke and flirt with him. I love that. I really, really do. Because if I had lost my best friend because of this, I would have been crushed.

He told me, however, that if/when I come back to CA, and if we're both single, we can try it. If there's still something there, he wants to see if what we have can take us to places we've never been before. And hopefully that same chemistry will be there in four years. And hopefully we'll reach a place called love. That love every girl dreams about. That love every musical artist sings about. I think we could have that some day and I'm going to hold onto that.


But you want the juicy details, right? Not just some description of the emotional roller coaster
I went on this morning. :P

We finished talking about everything and he walked me to the door. My mom was awake (and on facebook, no less), so she let us in and we talked for a while about facebook and how I'm not going to add her until I'm safely across the country. Then Matt and I tried to figure out a day we could hang out on and that led to discussion of how the entire month of August is booked for him. He said he was taking a philosophy course and I told him to call me (as long as it's late at night) for help because I'm very thoughtful and philosophical when I'm half asleep.

Generally what went down after I said that:
"Really? You're philosophical when you're tired? Tell me, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? In your mind?...In your nose...?"
I grinned and asked, "In my pants?"
He burst out laughing, pulled me outside onto the front step, said, "I love you," and kissed me.

To be honest, I was a little distracted during this kiss. You see, I've never actually kissed someone with facial hair before. It's...distracting. Like, I thought it was going to scratch my face off, but then I thought that was absurd and decided I could get used to it. And by the time I was done thinking about that, he was pulling away and saying good night. So I didn't even really get to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy it. But his stubble caught me off guard.

I feel the strangest need to laugh out loud right now.

I'm so fucking ridiculous.


Have an absolutely fucking amazing day!!!!!!! <3<3<3