Emotional Turmoil

I'm so...confused.

It's clearly not cheating if I go on a date with another guy. We were never officially together.

So why does it feel like something to be ashamed about?

Ugh.

So...I know no one reads this...I might as well be canon.

I love Matt. Like, true, bonafied love. It's been this way since I was fifteen. That's almost a whole three years.
This summer, we were kind of a faux couple. We went on dates and we kissed and everything. I'm never so comfortable with guys as I am with Matt.
We agreed when we finally admitted that we liked each other that none of the couple-y stuff between us would last long distance. It just wasn't realistic and we knew that. He also knew that college life would be crazy and that he couldn't tie me down. I wouldn't have minded. I feel tied down anyways.

It's just so weird! I try to look at guys as potential date material, and all I get from myself is, "He's nice to look at, but definitely not date worthy."
And all the other guys are brothers to me. There's no way I could look at them any differently. It's totally platonic.

And then I met Derek. I was chilling with Lauren Fairweather and he stopped by to ask her something about Vocalign (the co-ed a capella group on campus). When he mentioned he was arranging an a capella version of 'Don't Stop Believin',' I freaked out and told him it was my favorite song and that I really wanted to try out for Vocalign. We started talking music (making fun of Melica, fangirling (kind of) Phalanx, and sharing community chorus woes) and found out that we had a lot in common. By the time I got back to my dorm, he had friend requested me on facebook.

From there, we talked over facebook, in choir, and when he would stop by my dorm.

Today was one of those 'stop by my dorm' days. Elisabeth is gone at some kind of band competition (what a dork, I know) with the guy who likes her (if they make out in my car, I'm going to castrate them both). So, Derek stopped by to show me a medley he's arranging for Vocalign, and to tell me that auditions are in two weeks. We ended up talking for about half an hour about Harry Potter, music, and facebook/youtube creeping. Then, on his way out, he turned and asked what my schedule was like for this week. I asked him why and he said he was wondering if I'd like to go to dinner with him.

When those words left his mouth, my stomach dropped. I'm pretty sure most of the blood in my face drained, too.

It's not like I wasn't expecting it. That's not it at all. Derek's nice, musically-inclined, and not bad looking. And he's a little obvious. But that's beside the point.

I knew he was going to ask me out eventually.

But it still came as a shock to me.

I said yes.

And here's my dilemma: How do I go on a date with a guy I kind of know when I know my heart's back in California with Matt?

I subconsciously went on boy hiatus when I moved. I didn't mean to. Matt told me not to. He told me to live my life.
I'm just so freakin' in love with him that I can't stop myself!

I feel like I've said this before.

Have I said this before?

God.