Flashing Back to Preschool

Grab your popcorn. It's story time and it's a long 'un.

It all started sometime last month when I went to a party after an improv show (there was a vlog made from it of us in the car on the way there. I mentioned drinking an espresso in it). After some...um...beverages, Jenelle and I went outside to sit. Boys followed us out because we're just that hot. Or something. In this group was Jason (Asian), Mike (rebound man), Alex (gorgeous Mr. Right), and a few others that don't deserve mentioning. After a while, the three aforementioned boys decided they needed to coach Jenelle and me in how to be sexy using our hair, lips, and facial expressions (keep in mind that they were all drunk, so this was hysterical in person). At some point, I hooked up with rebound man, who was an excellent rebound and also a mistake (yayyyyyyy life lessons!).

Fast forward to last weekend. Jenelle's house sitting for her sister who says it's fine if we have people over and alcoholic beverages. It just so happens that the founders of the improv troupe live in the same apartment complex and THEY'RE having a party, too. Nelle and I drink Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade to support breast cancer research and stuff, and we join the other party in the founders' garage. Introduce the game of kick ball.

Five of us, Jenelle, Claire, Alex, Mike, and me, start kicking a kick ball around while drinking. (There's a lot of drinking in this story...sorry.) Fireworks start at SeaWorld. We all sing Queen, Bon Jovi, America the Beautiful, and Journey. In harmony. And then clank bottles and red cups in celebration of our on-coming drunkenness. The police roll on up. Those of us that are underage decide it's a good idea to go back to Nelle's to watch the Mighty Boosh. Mike, Alex, Jason, Andrew (Gothy Man), Kalah (awesome chick), and a guy named Chris (funniest nonprofessional comedian I know) come with us. Jenelle gets wasted. Jenelle makes Alex and me a drink to share because we both know we can't handle one drink each. Mike tries to hit on me while I'm hitting on Alex.

That's about when our teeth started feeling funny (me and Alex). It felt like a local anesthetic in our mouths. We giggle about this. We drink some more and Alex finishes our drink without offering me any. We are both quite drunk now. He does something adorable. I tell him so. He tells me to stop and says I'm beautiful.

I decide it's way too hot inside the apartment and go outside. Jenelle, Alex, and Jason follow me. Jason is drunker than all three of us. He wants us to meditate. Because he's Asian. So we get into group hug formation. Going clockwise, it's Jason, Jenelle, Me, Alex. (It should be noted that Jason and Nelle went on a date the weekend before this.) Jason tells us to close our eyes and imagine a bright ball of white light in between us. Alex and I start giggling. Jason gets mad and tries again. This is the conversation that ensued:
"Karaline, are you seeing it?"
"Yup."
"Alex?"
"Yeah, it's Jesus."
"*gigglesnort*"
"...We're gonna keep going."
That was when I felt Alex's lips on my cheek. So, of course, I turned my head toward him so he could kiss me in the right place. And that kept on happening because it was cute and sweet and really nice feeling.
Sometime after this, Andrew joins us and we all try to get Jenelle and Jason to make out. Jason passes out on the steps and asks for a blanket. Eventually, we get him back inside by telling him there's a giant bowl of guacamole for him. (Don't ask.) He passes out on the couch inside. Alex and I decide we're thirsty for water. We get some. Jenelle and I think it will be fun to freak everyone out, so we go into the bedroom and make sex noises really loudly. Then we give ourselves sex hair. When we go back out, we realize that no one cared because Knocked Up was on TV.
So we go to the kitchen to get vodka. Alex comes with us. We fix our hair and Alex asks adorable questions about Nelle's date with Jason. We all end up sitting on the kitchen floor drinking from the Smirnoff bottle and from a glass of water. We're just talking, but I don't really remember what the conversation is about. It wasn't that important.
By midnight, everyone's sitting on the kitchen floor playing Never Have I Ever and sobering up because we somehow drank $40 worth of alcohol in three hours. Mike is the drunkest of us all and is groping Nelle because her boobs are ginormous. She feels awkward and he just doesn't even know what he's doing.
Chris leaves. Mike goes outside with Jason and Andrew to puke his guts out. The rest of us stay inside because Alex, Nelle, and I have extremely weak stomachs and can't hear/see/smell puke without puking. Claire is locked in the bedroom because she's annoyed with us. (Stupid sober person.) We all sit on the couch. Alex and I attempt to fall asleep because being drunk makes us sleepy. It doesn't work because everyone's talking and making really funny jokes.
Kalah says she can take Mike home, but she doesn't want him to puke in her car. We consider letting him sleep in his car so he can puke all over his own stuff. He eventually crashes on the loveseat. The rest of us, except Claire, go outside and talk until 4 AM. Kalah leaves.
Around 5, Claire has enough and decides to have Andrew take her home. Alex plans on staying, but then he realizes he would have to stay in the living room with Pukey McPukeface (actual name we used for him) and goes with Claire and Andrew.
Jenelle and I finally get to bed around 5:30. Mike wakes us up at friggin' 9 AM to tell us he's leaving. He makes awkward statements about Kalah. Nelle gets him to leave. We go back to sleep until 1 PM. I stay and watch two movies and help her clean the apartment. I leave around 8, right as Alex is texting me to tell me he had a lot of fun.
A two and a half hour conversation about organized religion, politics, and school ensues.

Tuesday:
Alex had mentioned an improv show he was going to be in. I opened up the line of conversation by asking where it was and how much it cost to get in. I also asked him if I skipped choir to see his show, would he come to see me sing in a benefit concert. He, regrettably, informed me that he's going to be in LA the weekend of the concert. He also said going to class was probably more important, but I lied and said choir was canceled so he wouldn't feel bad when I showed up. :P
Jenelle and I decided to go to the show together because Alex was in it and Jason was going to be there. Claire also decided to come with us so she wouldn't be bored.
I nearly killed us getting to Downtown San Diego. It was great fun.
We got there, only to find that Mike was sitting with Jason. The dude just won't go away or get the hint. But the show was fantastic and Chris and Alex were the two funniest people in it. Mainly because they're not afraid to act like total weirdos for the sake of comedy.
Note: The show was a graduation show for the eight actors who managed to make it through all three levels of improv class. They were split into two teams. Chris and Alex were on the same team. The two teams competed, with improv games, for the most applause and laughter.
Alex's team won the competition. And when the score was announced, Alex, in his falsetto voice said, "That's US!" and screamed like a girl.
Jenelle and Claire both patted my leg at that point.
Anywho, the show ends, so we go outside for a meet and greet with the actors. We're all giving high fives down the line. I get to Alex and raise my hand for a high five. And he hugs me instead. And then he says, "You came!"
It was so cute.
Jenelle, Claire, and I go down to the sidewalk to figure out where to go to eat. Mike comes up to us and makes awkward jokes. We start talking about a really hot guy. He leaves. Then Alex comes jogging down to us and gives us all hugs and asks what we thought. We give him a thorough review of the show (consisting of, "It was awesome!" "You sucked." "Eh. I'm gonna be the happy medium. It didn't suck, but it wasn't great.")(Jenelle and Claire were joking. You can guess which sentence I said...haha.). We talk about this coming Saturday and make plans to all be at the party after the improv show. Then he has to leave to clean up the theater.

And now, since I opened up the line of conversation both Monday and Tuesday, I'm waiting for him to start talking to me. I will wait as long as I have to for him to notice that I've been silent.

It always works. :P

And that's the story so far. I'm sure there are little details I forgot. Like, you know, me randomly sticking my hand in his back pocket because he has a great ass. And renaming him Quentin because he looks more like a Quentin than an Alex. But those details aren't that important and, honestly, I can't really remember when they happened exactly. :D

In retrospect, this post is not very well named. I dunno about you guys, but I never got drunk and hooked up with random boys in preschool. Hahahahahah.

I love being reillusioned. :)))

Decisions, Decisions

I have approximately $1500 available to me right now. This doesn't seem like much, I know. But it's enough for three things.

1. Deposit and first month's rent for an apartment
2. A round-trip ticket to Pennsylvania
3. Down payment on a car

I initially wanted to spend $500 to go spend my last week of summer in PA with everyone. That became an unreality quickly after the plans were set in motion for reasons I won't discuss.

I then started leaning on the apartment issue. I've found a couple apartments that are absolutely perfect and I'd like nothing better than to move in tomorrow. But I can't do that until...

I have a car.

Luckily, the perfect car was listed yesterday on autotrader.com. If all goes according to plan, I'll be driving it home tomorrow. $6500. I'll be paying a thousand. My parents will pay the rest. A loan from the bank will maybe pay them back. And then I'll pay the bank back over time.

I've made my decision. Car comes before anything else. But the apartment is my next priority. It'll be easier to pay for when I have financial aid. And maybe once I have all that settled, I can try and hop on a plane. :)

Thought-Provoking Day, It Would Seem

I'm wondering about women. Are most, if not all, women somehow attracted to other women in some part of their brain?

Let me explain where this is coming from. I've joked about going gay, but I've never been serious. However...

Most heterosexual girls my age that I've talk to all agree that we're attracted to men with feminine features in their face. We're also attracted to what makes them inherently male, but when they have softer features, it's like a magnet for us. Some girls might disagree and say that sharp, masculine angles are what it's all about.

That makes me wonder what influences the choices in attraction we all have. Is it psychological? Societal? Genetic? Oedipal?

I immediately thought it was societal. Women have always been pressured into believing that we are only here to serve men, and since most heterosexual men enjoy watching girls get up on each other, perhaps we've started to seek out feminine-looking men. I don't think this can be proven, but I think it's an interesting study.

But it could also be psychological, couldn't it? If a girl grew up in an abusive home, if she was abused by her father, she will most likely be scared of men who remind her of him. (This is all hypothetical and based on conjecture alone, of course.) So, if her father was more of a man's man, she might seek out a guy who looks more girly because she'd feel safer. This route of thinking could be proven, but it's all based on circumstance, so probably nothing could come of it.

Last is genetic and Oedipal. Everyone knows what an Oedipus complex is, and it's more dominant in men than women, but it still happens. I do gravitate more toward men who are like my father because he's a good man with a good sense of humor and wonderful parenting skills. Who wouldn't look for a guy like that? But I find the personality attractive, so it's not exactly an Oedipus complex. Which brings me to genetics. Myself, I'm a fan of smiles and asses. My mother likes smiles and eyes. My aunt likes asses and eyes. You see what I'm getting at?
Maybe the things we're attracted to are inherited from those we came from.

But now the question remains: why do girls go for feminine men?

My friends, I have no answer for this.

Un-Rawr

I would say, "I love it when everything works out," but not everything worked out. I'm hiding stuff from Jenelle and Claire now because I need to talk to Claire and Mike and...I just need to work out all that stuff, really, but as for where I stand with Mike, I think everything is worked out. We're on the same page.

I've never had a conversation with a guy about how much I'd like to do Helena Bonham-Carter and Brad Pitt...and have him agree with me whole-heartedly. Haha. And when he saw that the background of my phone said "In Your Pants" and "DFTBA," he was honestly interested and thought it was really cool once I'd explained it all to him. And he's a writer. He likes the social movement things, but also the slightly disturbing fantasy stuff. I, of course, recommended the Black Jewels Trilogy to him. And when I told him my parents were very right wing and that I was more in the middle, he just kissed me and said, "Rebellion is hot."

Going back to the writer part, though, it made me really happy. He completely understands the way books can influence your mood and how reading something really great can make you want to write for sixteen hours straight, just to try and match the greatness you just consumed. He also encouraged me to enter a competition and to send him some of my stuff because he's a grammar Nazi (just like me) and he'd love to help me out.

It all made me wish that guys closer to my age were that awesome.

Oh well. I'm moving out in November, and if we happen to decide that we do want more than sex and friendship, I'll just have to break it to my parents that he happens to be 27. I broke it to my mom yesterday that I wanted to get my nose pierced and she flipped a minor shit, but didn't tell me I couldn't get it done, so...

But that was a piercing. Not a guy. She was okay with Matt because she'd known him since he was 17/18. Unfortunately, after what he put me through, she might have an issue with me dating a guy that much older than me. I'll have to point out that he's more mature than guys my age and that Lauren Fairweather's dating a guy nearly 10 years older than her. So, really...

Hahahaha, I hope to God I never have to have this conversation with my parents. XD

Rawr Rawr Rawr

The inner workings of human to human chemistry are beyond me, but at the moment, I'm really pissed about them.

So, I lose a guy and a best friend. I cry about it, I bitch about it, I blog about it. I'm over it. Almost. Now I need to rebound from it. Lo and behold, a new guy is provided by the fates. And that guy happens to like me. And I happen to like him. And we happen to have a shit ton of chemistry. Oh, and he's seeking a rebound as well.

It would be perfect if Claire hadn't called him. If I didn't have to incorporate Claire's feelings into this mess, my life would be simple. But no. The nervous butterflies and the pins of guilt are warring in my stomach right now. What do I say to him when I see him? Do I tell him that he's a guilty pleasure? Do I tell him I broke a promise to be with him?

The real question is, if I legitimately like him, is he even a rebound?

And, of course, in the middle of it all is a best friend who can't understand why I would break a promise in the first place. Because I don't. Ask anyone. I'm unreliable when it comes to due dates and birthday presents, but I'm anything but selfish.

And I did something completely selfish.

They can't comprehend it. "You mean, Karaline's a real human being? Gasp!"

Yes, my friends. I am more than a robot. I can be a bitch and I can be self-centered and I can blow off friends for a boy.

The fact of the matter is, this is a rare occurrence. When I'm a bitch, you probably deserve it. When I'm self-centered, I'm probably bluffing. When there's a boy I like, I bring him into my group of friends, and if he isn't scared off after that, he's probably a keeper.

I legitimately like Mike. I could say I don't care what happens if I pursue a relationship with him, but I can't. I do care. I don't care if Claire bitches about me or doesn't want to speak to me again. So long as she bitches TO me and not about me to someone else. That's what started my anger and, therefore, this blog. I don't give a shit what Claire does so long as she's open about it to me. What I care about is Jenelle. She doesn't know what to think or which side to be on. As far as she knows, I'm just a whore who breaks promises. It hurts to know that a best friend would automatically believe that assumption, but...that's life, I guess.

I hate to cut this short, but I need to leave in a few minutes to go look at an apartment with Jenelle. Hopefully, we'll be able to talk it all over. And maybe when I meet up with Mike afterward, I won't feel so guilty about feeling like this about him.

I'm a big fan of adjectives. Life would be so boring without adjectives. So, when I went searching for the perfect word to describe every single thought and emotion going through me, I easily found the perfect fit.

Disillusioned: a freeing or a being freed from illusion or conviction; disenchantment.

I'm nineteen and disillusioned with life.

What all has led to this conclusion? Well, just a few realizations I've made over the past twelve hours:

Real friends are much harder to find than you might think, and you never know when they'll stab you in the back.
Sometimes, there really isn't a way when there's a will. Sometimes, you're really just fucked if you don't have the money.
People make mistakes all the time, and can only be forgiven if they feel bad enough about them.
The truth really does set you free, but with a heavy price.
No boy is worth crying over. They're only here to help populate the earth.
Sometimes there isn't a song to describe it, not matter how hard you look.
Real friends will always tell you the truth, even if it hurts both of you.
Real friends will also not condemn the truth-telling friend. Always value honesty.
There really isn't enough coffee in the world to fix it.
The only worthwhile ones are gay. Sorry.
Being where you belong is lot easier said than done.
Escaping is always futile. You can't outrun yourself no matter how hard you try.
You should never regret loving someone, but that doesn't mean you can't want to castrate him.
It really is impossible to love someone before your mid-twenties.
It's not worth the fight if the one you're fighting for also happens to be the one you're fighting.
Sometimes life sucks. Life doesn't care, so you might as well get over it.
No, alcohol won't help. It just makes you stupid and pays you back in the morning.
Big future plans usually get fucked over right before you can really do anything to put them in motion. Might as well just live for the moment and fuck planning.
Being an opportunist has its perks, and it's totally worth it for a while. And then you have to find a different opportunity to waste your time on.
Nerdfighters really are the greatest people on earth. It's just too bad I really don't get to hang out with them irl.

Disillusioned. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm angry about it. Furious. So mad that I can't cry or talk or do anything but rhyme on a piece of paper. There's no way to express it all except on paper.

I really do love adjectives, if only because I love the power of the written word. Writing has always been my escape. It helps a little. I'm slowly leaking everything out so that I can start again. I won't ever be enchanted by the world again, though. That's been ruined for me. But I can pretend and I can escape for short periods of time.

All I need in this life is a pencil and some paper.

December 1, 2009

I'll get straight to the point.

My mom was offered a job in Seattle. If she can get them to up her salary to $80,000, she's going to take it.

I'm not sure where that leaves me. I mean, obviously, I'd stay here and go to Grossmont for the full year. But I don't know where I'll be living or if I'll stay after this year. But that's okay because I'm fully determined to go back to Etown after this year. I have this strange feeling that there are better opportunities out there for me.

That said, I'm giving up. I'm tired of everything the way it is now and I've wasted too much time. So, it's over. If I'm acting strange, that's why. It's because I'm done. It's because I can't possibly do this any longer.

For the occasion, I wrote a song that I'm not going to post here because it's useless anyway. Why bother trying anymore, right? I'm clearly just not worth it. Never have been.