I'm a big fan of adjectives. Life would be so boring without adjectives. So, when I went searching for the perfect word to describe every single thought and emotion going through me, I easily found the perfect fit.

Disillusioned: a freeing or a being freed from illusion or conviction; disenchantment.

I'm nineteen and disillusioned with life.

What all has led to this conclusion? Well, just a few realizations I've made over the past twelve hours:

Real friends are much harder to find than you might think, and you never know when they'll stab you in the back.
Sometimes, there really isn't a way when there's a will. Sometimes, you're really just fucked if you don't have the money.
People make mistakes all the time, and can only be forgiven if they feel bad enough about them.
The truth really does set you free, but with a heavy price.
No boy is worth crying over. They're only here to help populate the earth.
Sometimes there isn't a song to describe it, not matter how hard you look.
Real friends will always tell you the truth, even if it hurts both of you.
Real friends will also not condemn the truth-telling friend. Always value honesty.
There really isn't enough coffee in the world to fix it.
The only worthwhile ones are gay. Sorry.
Being where you belong is lot easier said than done.
Escaping is always futile. You can't outrun yourself no matter how hard you try.
You should never regret loving someone, but that doesn't mean you can't want to castrate him.
It really is impossible to love someone before your mid-twenties.
It's not worth the fight if the one you're fighting for also happens to be the one you're fighting.
Sometimes life sucks. Life doesn't care, so you might as well get over it.
No, alcohol won't help. It just makes you stupid and pays you back in the morning.
Big future plans usually get fucked over right before you can really do anything to put them in motion. Might as well just live for the moment and fuck planning.
Being an opportunist has its perks, and it's totally worth it for a while. And then you have to find a different opportunity to waste your time on.
Nerdfighters really are the greatest people on earth. It's just too bad I really don't get to hang out with them irl.

Disillusioned. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm angry about it. Furious. So mad that I can't cry or talk or do anything but rhyme on a piece of paper. There's no way to express it all except on paper.

I really do love adjectives, if only because I love the power of the written word. Writing has always been my escape. It helps a little. I'm slowly leaking everything out so that I can start again. I won't ever be enchanted by the world again, though. That's been ruined for me. But I can pretend and I can escape for short periods of time.

All I need in this life is a pencil and some paper.