This Blog Comes in Three Parts

...Where do I start?

So much stuff has happened in the last few days that I can't even keep up anymore.

I guess I'll start with the most complicated part. It has to do with the boy. I only say complicated because I don't even know what I'm feeling at the moment. It's always like that for me, though. When I'm with the boy I've got my attention on, there's really only one thing I want, and then when I'm away and able to think rationally...it's all different.

Not making much sense, am I?

Alex basically told me the same thing Matt did once upon a time. But my response was vastly different this time around. And I'm happy I stuck to my guns and all, but now I'm back where I started. I realize I'm barely out of my teens and that I've got years and years to find that fairytale romance I've been dreaming of since I was, like, two months old, but...sometimes I want it to be NOW. Alex is awesome and absolutely perfect for me...except for his whole religion thing. That's a big part of why I'm so confused right now. He actually said, without shame, that he couldn't date a girl who was part of organized religion. I'm sorry, but WHAT? I realize the Jehovah's Witnesses really screwed up your vision of religion but that doesn't mean you should rule out every girl with a good set of morals and standards. I mean REALLY. And you said the Witnesses focused on tearing down other religions...but I bet they didn't talk about how wonderful and familial we are, either. Or how you don't have to be perfect all the time, or scared of God's wrath and the apocalypse every second of the day. Religion shouldn't be a scare tactic. It should be the island in the middle of an overwhelming ocean - a safe haven.

Apparently because I believe that, I've never got a shot with him. And you know what? Once I got home and was able to really think about that, I realized that he isn't as perfect as I thought he was. I'd romanticized him (and it's hard not to when he willingly danced and kissed in the rain with me) into something he wasn't. I'm starting to see that now. I don't want to turn him into a bad guy in my mind or anything, but I do need to strip him of his 'god-like' qualities so I can get over it and move on.

And that means I need to have another heart-to-heart with him to let him know that we are strictly friends from now on and nothing else. Nothing casual between us whatsoever. I'm better than that and I deserve more. I deserve a guy who can actually look me in the eye and say, "Yeah, a relationship sounds fine to me. Oh, you're a Christian? That's awesome!"

So, there you go. That's part one.

Part two is Christmas/New Years. Good Lord. I wasn't sure what to expect on Christmas. I didn't ask for much (or anything, really). All I really wanted was my guitar, and I got that a month ago. Aside from that, all I really wanted was a ticket to VidCon and books.

I got so much more and it was all equally amazing. Even now in a state of extreme financial difficulty, my family members managed to get me things I didn't even know I wanted until I had them. I was honestly and pleasantly surprised on Christmas day. :) I really do cherish my family. Yeah, I miss all those crazy wonderful folks out on the east coast, but I don't know what I'd do without my west coast family. I love how they all get me. I love that no matter what, I'll always fit in with my family.

Oh, and I DID get the ticket to VidCon. My cousin got me the full community pass and a ticket to the brunch in the middle of the convention. Zoie, Erin and I are sharing a hotel room near the Hyatt, but we need one more person to stay in our room so that we can all pay about $40-$60 for the entire hotel stay. Luckily, we've got a few months to find a fourth person...and the money for the hotel. :P

Now, New Years. My parents want me to go to the party at the Mildebrandts' (where I will get maybe a sip of alcohol), and Jenelle wants me to go to the party at Jenga's (where I will probably have one or two slightly-alcohol drinks)(gee, I'm exciting at parties). I really wanna go to Jenga's apartment. It's awesome there and it's really close to home. Plus, Nelle and I have agreed that at midnight, since neither of us have been kissed at midnight (and since both the boys we've been messing around with would never want to kiss us in front of other people), we're going to kiss at midnight. xD It'll be PERFECT. Though, I'm not sure how well it'll go. I'll probably chicken out at the last second, haha. I guess we'll see. If I can go to Jenga's party. *crosses fingers*

It's 2 AM and I have to be up by 10 at the latest, so I'm heading to bed. Good night, sweet dreams, and I'll write again soon.

You Know What's Coming

I keep blogging about Alex, and I'm sorry, but he's sort of become a constant in my life now. Him and Jenelle are pretty much the people I see the most on a regular basis. Now that Coco's back in town, though, I'll be seeing her a lot more often, too. :D

If you follow my twitter, you know the basics of what went on last night. It was probably the funniest/scariest conversation of my life. I realize some girls get away with it all the time and no one thinks twice about it, but I'm not one of those girls. I'm not the type to say, "Hey, let's run away together and get married and have fifty kids." But, my goodness, last night was incredible. I don't even remember how Jenelle and I got on the topic, but somehow we figured that if one of us had a kid, we could live together in a studio apartment (aptly named the Emerald City because everything we own will be green) on welfare, raising a baby as unlesbian lesbian mothers of an eyeless child (don't ask). This somehow turned into me sending Alex a text saying, "Okay Alex, it's time for us to make a child. Don't worry, Nelle and I will raise it on our own. We just want to raise a kid on welfare in the Emerald City."

Now, if you follow me on twitter, needless to say, Alex was all for this plan (which was surprising, 'cause if I was a dude and got that text, I'd be like, "Uh...see ya!"). I was definitely blushing a LOT whenever I got his responses to my ridiculous texts. But anyway, at the end of it, we decided we need to practice making a child before we actually make one because I have to be twenty before I get pregnant (gotta beat teen pregnancy, you know).

In short, Alex confirmed for me, in a roundabout way, that he wants to do me.

Which is awesome and all, but I doubt it's gonna happen any time soon because I'm still a firm believer in love before sex. So if he happens to fall desperately in love with me before January 30th, he's out of luck. :P

Also, and this is the most important thing, I want to be his girlfriend before anything like child-making happens. Well, being married before making a child would be preferable. But I want to be his girlfriend if he, um, wants to 'practice,' as he put it.

I'm not making myself sound very pure right now.

My intentions are good, I promise. I've got standards. I've got class, even. If he wants to do anything more than kiss me in the rain, he's gotta commit.

There we go. That's what I've been trying to say this entire time.

And I kinda sorta told him that. I told him he at least had to buy me dinner before we get around to baby making. And by that I meant, "You have to date me and be my boyfriend and fall in love with me first." :)

Anyway, Jenelle and Alex and I went midnight bowling after this fantastic conversation. Alex beat us the first game, and then I stepped it up and kicked them both to the curb in the second game. Alex said he was thirsty, so, inevitably, we ended up at Denny's at two in the morning eating seasoned fries. And apparently whenever I wasn't paying attention or in the bathroom, Jenelle and Alex were having interesting conversations about my butt. Jenelle filled me in on this afterward, of course. I was slightly disturbed. But that's okay. :P

Nelle and I had an impromptu sleepover last night, too. I immediately injured my lower back as soon as we got home from Denny's and she gave me a two hour massage. It was WONDERFUL. And we talked about everything. No shame, no embarrassment. Everything was out there. I've never been able to do that with a best friend before. Maybe it's just something about Jenelle that makes me open up more than I normally would. :)

Feeling Ridiculous

Seriously, these butterflies in my stomach come at the WEIRDEST times. When Alex first appeared on stage, but not when he was kneeling in front of me (back turned to me, so I got a great view of his ass) for an improv game. When he took one of my suggestions, but not when he hugged me after the show. When he met my sister, but not when I asked him to hang out with us after clean-up and goodbyes.

SO. WEIRD.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining. Some girls get super nervous all the time. I used to be like that around him. His name on my cell phone screen used to be enough to send me into cardiac arrest. Now it feels more natural. Maybe that's a good thing. The more natural I feel around him, the better off we'll be in the long run...if we become a 'we.'

You know what? I take it back. It's not weird. It's a blessing. :)

I'm Covered in Marker.

Last night was amazing. I finally got to see that Alex can be an ass. And you know what's weird? It made me like him more. 'Cause he's not perfect and he doesn't try to be. It's not like he was being serious, though. I do the same thing with Jenelle. I'll be mean to her and immediately apologize for it.

What else is weird is that I had this overwhelming desire to just pull him aside and hug him. All. Night. I don't mean hug him all night, I mean the desire was there all night. Anyway, it was ridiculous. He was just really cute. He always is. Even when he's being an ass, because he can't quite pull it off :P

I think the next time I see him will be Thursday. He's getting me into the NCT show for free. :))) He's reffing and Jason's gonna be the voice. I'm waaaaay excited. The two of them working together to control the show will be HILARIOUS.

I'm just feeling very happy and positive right now. :) Tomorrow I've got my sociology final (which should be a breeze because I love sociology and I remember a LOT of the earlier stuff), and on Thursday I've got guitar. I still don't know how to play the Bob Marley song, but Bekah and I are getting together tomorrow to practice. :)

OH, and I saw Lucy yesterday for the first time in MONTHS! I've missed her. :( I feel terrible because all the people back in Etown are the people I've been missing like crazy since May, and I've been missing Lucy since the summer, and she's been maybe fifteen minutes from me the entire time. I've decided to put a LOT more effort into seeing her before she leaves for Vanguard. The era of me being a crappy best friend is over. :)

That One Rain Post...

I feel I should explain, because unless you've heard the entirety of the song (which is no one besides Jenelle), you have NO CLUE what happened in my last blog.

After I blogged about writing that song about the rain, I wrote more lyrics and recorded a rough demo of what I want it to sound like. Here are the lyrics for your viewing pleasure, and as soon as I have a voice, I'll be recording the song, so you can hear it, too. :)

Tell me, can you feel it?
Drawing us closer, bit by bit
This could be worth everything
Babe, you know this could be something

Tell me, can you see it?
My hand in yours, a perfect fit
It may be raining outside
But when I look in your eyes, all I see is blue sky

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

I don't care that it's cold
So long as onto me you'll hold
As we dance through puddles
And this feeling inside me bubbles

It may be raining outside
But when I look in your eyes, all I see is blue sky

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

Soaked to the bone and loving it
Your arms keep me warm like a fire that's lit
I can't feel anything
When I'm with you
But light and joy and peace and, yeah, love too

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

:)))

Rainy Day Mondays

I can hardly believe this is real right now. I really can't. I don't think I've felt so unsure and exhilarated in my life. It's a funny thing to be unsure. On one hand, it's scary because you don't know where you are or what's going to happen, but on the other, it's an adventure that might lead to someplace I never even dreamed of.

Tonight, I did two things that I've always wanted to do. In fact, I just wrote a song about it less than a week ago. It all came true. Every last bit of it. We were drawn to each other bit by bit, my hands in his were a perfect fit, we danced in the rain, we kissed under thunderheads, we held onto each other and didn't care that it was cold, we definitely danced through a few puddles, we were more than soaked to the bone and loving it, and his arms did keep me warm.

It all came true and it was all more than perfect. It was nerdy, it was funny, it was full of tickling and laughter, and it was just...everything I wanted it to be.

Dancing in the rain is romanticized for a reason, folks. I suggest you drag the boy/girl you like outside right now and just go for it. You'll never have more fun in your life. :)

HEY, TWATWAFFLE.

I seriously can't handle any more stupid boys! Am I some sort of magnet for them? I swear to God, nearly every boy I EVER have any romantic interest in turns out to be idiotic, asshole-ish, clingy, and obnoxious.

I can't stand it anymore. I'm done fucking around with this stuff.

No, Matt, I don't want to fucking "chat sometime" with you on facebook and I DON'T want you following me on Twitter! There's a GODDAMN REASON I removed you from my friends list and my followers list!

GET THE FUCKING HINT.

You fucked up, now grow some balls and DEAL WITH IT. I'm DONE.

Rain

Sleep-deprived Karaline is a creatively inspired Karaline. I finished editing my vlog for today and while it uploaded to YouTube, I decided to catch up on sleep (I only got an hour or so last night). Only, when I tried to fall asleep, I was listening to the rain hitting my window, and I was sorta channeling Hey Monday (because I'd just been listening to them), and I ended up coming up with a really spectacular chorus for a song. I wrote down the words I came up with, but I didn't have enough of a voice to record the melody that I had...and now I can't remember what the melody was. :(

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

It's cute and passionate and I know the melody was freakin' awesome. As soon as I have a voice, I'm recording it and writing a song around it. I'll think of the melody eventually. :)

Why I Hate Groups

I am not what one would call a 'hard worker' when it comes to school. However, I am fairly organized and slightly OCD and a fair writer (I hope). That means, when the inevitable group project comes up, I'm always the one that ends up working my ass off to make a presentation, write the synopsis paper, and keep everyone organized.

This time, I'm sick. I can't stay up all night trying to make everything perfect for this presentation. I need SLEEP. I need cooperation. I need people to send me their goddamn information for the paper. Am I getting any of this? NO.

And that it why I hate groups.

*bows* *goes back to bullshitting the synopsis paper*

Christmas Song + Deadlines = Oh Noes!

Was just recently informed that I have a little over a week to write a holiday-themed song. If you know me, then you also know that this may just kill me.

I wrote my very first song a while back (maybe a month or so ago) and it took a week to get lyrics and a melody. I am STILL trying to figure out the guitar part and it's been WEEKS (although, I think I came up with something the other day that will entail lots of practice over winter break).

Since I usually am more creatively productive while I'm writing on here, I figured I'd give the lyrics a shot and work with what I get.

I want it to be about Nerdfighters at Christmastime...so, here goes...

Sitting by the empty fireplace
All Caps CD still in its case
It's December again, you see
Like every year, I'm lonely
No one to be in nerdfighterlike with
That doesn't matter when I see my gift

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But lemme tell you,
There's nothing better than
A Nerdfighter Christmas

Popcorn reading of Paper Towns
Discussing politics of Watership Downs
Chewbacca hanging from my tree
The troll atop is a mystery
And with all of this
Comes loads of nerdy bliss

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But lemme tell you,
There's nothing better than
A Nerdfighter Christmas

I'll never be alone again
Not when I've got the internet
YouTube let's me see all my friends
And those I stalk (though they don't know it yet)
I can visit Pennsylvania
And still be in California

This is my Nerdfighter Christmas song
To let you know I've missed you all along
In reality, this was a challenge
I'll instead turn it into a pledge
With love to ya'll I say:
I'll never FTBA!

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But for Nerdfighters at Christmas
It's just another day.

Rrrrraaaaawwwwrrrr

I'm going to take a minute to go on a grammar rant. It's been building up inside me this entire week and I'm about to explode if I don't say something about it.

To prologue this story, I was told that one of my OneMadlibSummer cohorts had left a controversial comment on a Miley Cyrus video and I foolishly sifted through three pages of comments to find it. I gave up after a while because of one commenter.

Now, I've learned my lesson about YouTube comments and trending topics on twitter (usually, the trending topic is the only thing spelled correctly)(although, I did see one called 'youknowyouruglywhen', to which I replied, "My ugly did WHAT?"). I avoid comments at all costs because it just makes me sad. Truth be told, I recanted my idea of becoming an English teacher because I knew I would have to deal with mostly illiterate teenagers and I knew I couldn't handle that. I would seriously throw a fit. Like this:
"Here, Miss Stamper, here's my paper."
"You dumbass, the period goes at the end of the sentence."
"There isn't a period there."
"I know. You need one."
"But that isn't the end of the sentence."
"It should be. Learn your grammar rules."
"You're still teaching them to us."
"Yeah? Well, I learned proper grammar when I was in second grade. BE ASHAMED."
"*cries*"

I digress.

As I was saying, there was one commenter on this Miley Cyrus video (Party in the USA) that made me want to run around the street naked while pulling out clumps of my hair. The big debate going on (I say this as if it was more than half-literate idiots arguing over Miley's leg-spreading habits) was about Miley's outfit in the video. In case you're intelligent and haven't watched the music video, she's wearing short shorts, cowboy boots, and a semi low cut shirt that sometimes shows her bra. Everyone was talking about her outfit like it was a national emergency. ("OMG, Miley Cyrus is SEVENTEEN and has BOOBS.") Many were defending her, many were criticizing her, and many were masturbating. There was one girl defending her that really caught my eye. Not because she was coming up with any brilliant reasons why Miley shouldn't be called a hussy, but because she commented the same thing about every hour or so.

The gist of her argument was this (and grammatically correct because I honestly can't reproduce the garbage she came up with): Miley's not a whore, she just likes to dress cute. I wear the same things as she does in this video and it's not because I'm a whore, it's because I'm cute and guys like it.

My immediate response (and this even beat out the fact that she basically just called herself a whore) was this, "If you're not a whore, then don't spell like one."
I realized later that she was being contradictory in her argument and added that to the list of things I'd like to tell her.

I'm not going to get into the Miley debate because I couldn't care less about what she wears or how she dances. I don't like Miley and her song nearly made my ears bleed (I muted my speakers about a minute into the video so I could read poorly written comments in peace), but I seriously don't care what she wears. Every other Disney kid has become a hugely famous yet inappropriate star. She's just following the trend.
What I want to get into is the actual art of debating. Rhetoric, if you will. In my opinion, if you want to be taken seriously in any written debate or argument, your writing must be impeccable (i.e. little to no spelling/grammar mistakes; proficiency in vocabulary). Even if we're talking about just how short Miley's shorts are, if you come at me with this: 'your just gellous cuz ur not as preti as her,' I'm going to punt whatever tiny animal you may own. And I know you own a tiny animal. You need something to think for you, you brain-dead sycophant.
The point is, even if your argument is full of holes and circles and false information, if you present it well in written words, I'll take it seriously. It doesn't have to be good enough to earn an A in an honors English class, it just has to be structured, spelled correctly, and grammatically sound. That's it. That's all I'm asking for.

Is that really such a tall order, English speakers of the world? I realize our public education sucks more than the malaria epidemic in Bangladesh, but if you just sit down with a book, or pay attention in English class every so often, I PROMISE you, you WILL learn how to write/speak correctly. (I also suggest you avoid YouTube comments, trending topics on twitter, and most things posted on myspace/facebook.)

/rant

Last NaNo Blog, I Swear!

Tomorrow, I'll be printing out the first ten pages of my nano novel ("The Imperfect Mirror") and taking a red pen to it (only not really because all I have is black ink pens :D). I'm going to rip those first ten (approximately) pages to shreds and piece it all back together in an attempt to make it better/longer/captivating. I also have to rework some characterization so there aren't too many unanswered questions at the end.

I mentioned on facebook that I already have scenes planned out for the sequel, but I'm going to try and resist the temptation to start writing it until I've gone through at least half of the first draft (~70 pages). I'll be working ten pages at a time (more or less, depending on the content) and I'm going to take as much time as possible going over it all. I'm going to let other people read it and critique it and I'm going to take their ideas and mash them in where I see fit. And once I finish all 136 1/2 pages, I'm going to go through it again and make sure everything makes sense and that there aren't any glaring plotholes, inconsistencies, fluff, or typos. I suppose I will then go over it one more time (maybe two more times, depending on how I'm feeling) and consider sending the manuscript to a publishing company. I'll need an agent so my work doesn't end up in a slush pile, and that'll be expensive, so God only knows when this whole publishing scheme/idea could take place. If it takes place. But wouldn't it be cool to see my own novel chilling on the shelves of Barnes and Noble? #dreams

If I did all this correctly (and I probably didn't because I'm not the greatest with math), I'll probably still be editing and writing the sequel while I'm enrolled in a creative writing class and later on, hopefully, a novel writing class. All of this will be happening at the same time as NaNoEdMo (which I signed up for today--it's in March and the goal is to log 50 hours of editing time in one month), which will either be helpful or distracting. I guess I'll find out. :P

I've been making a list of all the things I want to do during editing:
1. Make it suitable for a Young Adult label.
2. Make it funnier.
3. Make it as interesting and hard to put down as a John Green novel.

For this, I'll need a LOT of help from friends and family. I think I know what I have to do to make it Young Adult, so I can do that mostly on my own; however, making it funnier and more captivating will all depend on the people I let read it. I'm approaching quite a few different types of readers with it, so I should get a lot of suggestions and I'm really, really excited about it. I know Nicole will help me make it comedic, and I know Dylan and Bekah will help me make it more interesting, and I know Jenelle will help with characterization and reality checks (she's already doing this--God bless her), and everyone else will probably help with everything.

I think the hardest part about this entire thing is putting my work out there where anyone can see it. My family can see it, and I know they'll be proud of me for actually writing it, but will they be proud of what I've written? My friends will read it and tell me their honest opinions and give me pointers and ideas. People I don't know will read it and judge it and judge me and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I'm still at that age where the opinions of the people around me really matter. I get upset over YouTube comments, for God's sake. Can you imagine what I'd do if I got an email from someone telling me they hated the book I slaved over for months/years? I don't know how published authors do it. Just look at JK Rowling. She was persecuted by Christians (even though she IS Christian) for writing about magic (God forbid *eye roll*). I don't know WHAT I would do if that happened to me (because, of course, the biggest controversy in my novel deals with Magicians)(not to mention the fact that there's sex and alcohol and underage drinking and seduction and rock n' roll).

There's a lot to think about over the next few months. I'm both excited for them and dreading them. You may not see me very much during it all, and I'll apologize in advance for that. I was almost a shut-in during November (though half of that was because I have a really terrible cold), and writing 50,000 words was probably the easiest thing in the world for me to do. Now I have to edit 70,000 words, take two English classes (which will both require papers every week about), and take another 9 credits on top of that. The next six months will be tough for sure, but I know I can make it through. :)

Not sure how much blogging I'll be doing after this, so I guess I'll close with a typical, "See you later!"