Coco said my unplanned moment was like a fairytale.
And I suppose it would have been had it not been so bittersweet. I wish I could have a hell of a lot more unplanned moments like that. But after July, I can't.
Which is why it's not exactly a fairytale.
At least, it's not one I've ever heard of.
In fact, it's kind of like Grimm got bored at the end of my fairytale and decided to fuck me over.
Fucking Cinderella got to move into the fucking castle with her prince. I get to move 3000 miles away.
Fuck my life. (LOL--Superbad reference!)
<3 Kare
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Spinning Stars on my Fingernails
Last night was incredible. Or, well, I guess it was this morning, haha. It's all thanks to Lucy for talking him into it. Lucy, you have no fucking idea how grateful I am that you did that. Seriously, I was going to go on with my life without ever knowing if it was one-sided or not. And now I know it's not and it feels like...like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've held onto this love for him for three years and it's finally been justified. It hasn't just been me feeling these things. He's been feeling them, too. He even told me that he's never felt the way he does around me with anyone else. And he and I are just so connected. We talked for about 45 minutes early this morning (around 12:15 AM) and he said everything that I've been thinking. We can't be together because we want more than just two months together. We're not going to tie each other down because that just wouldn't be right. We're not going to keep a long-distance relationship because that's just not how we work. It's all bad timing (notice how he used the same terminology as me).
But you know what's amazing? We spilled our hearts out to each other and nothing changed between us. We were still best friends. We're still able to laugh and make sexual suggestions without it being awkward. At all. And we can be open about our attraction for each other now, which makes it a lot easier to joke and flirt with him. I love that. I really, really do. Because if I had lost my best friend because of this, I would have been crushed.
He told me, however, that if/when I come back to CA, and if we're both single, we can try it. If there's still something there, he wants to see if what we have can take us to places we've never been before. And hopefully that same chemistry will be there in four years. And hopefully we'll reach a place called love. That love every girl dreams about. That love every musical artist sings about. I think we could have that some day and I'm going to hold onto that.
But you want the juicy details, right? Not just some description of the emotional roller coaster
I went on this morning. :P
We finished talking about everything and he walked me to the door. My mom was awake (and on facebook, no less), so she let us in and we talked for a while about facebook and how I'm not going to add her until I'm safely across the country. Then Matt and I tried to figure out a day we could hang out on and that led to discussion of how the entire month of August is booked for him. He said he was taking a philosophy course and I told him to call me (as long as it's late at night) for help because I'm very thoughtful and philosophical when I'm half asleep.
Generally what went down after I said that:
"Really? You're philosophical when you're tired? Tell me, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? In your mind?...In your nose...?"
I grinned and asked, "In my pants?"
He burst out laughing, pulled me outside onto the front step, said, "I love you," and kissed me.
To be honest, I was a little distracted during this kiss. You see, I've never actually kissed someone with facial hair before. It's...distracting. Like, I thought it was going to scratch my face off, but then I thought that was absurd and decided I could get used to it. And by the time I was done thinking about that, he was pulling away and saying good night. So I didn't even really get to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy it. But his stubble caught me off guard.
I feel the strangest need to laugh out loud right now.
I'm so fucking ridiculous.
Have an absolutely fucking amazing day!!!!!!! <3<3<3
I've held onto this love for him for three years and it's finally been justified. It hasn't just been me feeling these things. He's been feeling them, too. He even told me that he's never felt the way he does around me with anyone else. And he and I are just so connected. We talked for about 45 minutes early this morning (around 12:15 AM) and he said everything that I've been thinking. We can't be together because we want more than just two months together. We're not going to tie each other down because that just wouldn't be right. We're not going to keep a long-distance relationship because that's just not how we work. It's all bad timing (notice how he used the same terminology as me).
But you know what's amazing? We spilled our hearts out to each other and nothing changed between us. We were still best friends. We're still able to laugh and make sexual suggestions without it being awkward. At all. And we can be open about our attraction for each other now, which makes it a lot easier to joke and flirt with him. I love that. I really, really do. Because if I had lost my best friend because of this, I would have been crushed.
He told me, however, that if/when I come back to CA, and if we're both single, we can try it. If there's still something there, he wants to see if what we have can take us to places we've never been before. And hopefully that same chemistry will be there in four years. And hopefully we'll reach a place called love. That love every girl dreams about. That love every musical artist sings about. I think we could have that some day and I'm going to hold onto that.
But you want the juicy details, right? Not just some description of the emotional roller coaster
I went on this morning. :P
We finished talking about everything and he walked me to the door. My mom was awake (and on facebook, no less), so she let us in and we talked for a while about facebook and how I'm not going to add her until I'm safely across the country. Then Matt and I tried to figure out a day we could hang out on and that led to discussion of how the entire month of August is booked for him. He said he was taking a philosophy course and I told him to call me (as long as it's late at night) for help because I'm very thoughtful and philosophical when I'm half asleep.
Generally what went down after I said that:
"Really? You're philosophical when you're tired? Tell me, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? In your mind?...In your nose...?"
I grinned and asked, "In my pants?"
He burst out laughing, pulled me outside onto the front step, said, "I love you," and kissed me.
To be honest, I was a little distracted during this kiss. You see, I've never actually kissed someone with facial hair before. It's...distracting. Like, I thought it was going to scratch my face off, but then I thought that was absurd and decided I could get used to it. And by the time I was done thinking about that, he was pulling away and saying good night. So I didn't even really get to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy it. But his stubble caught me off guard.
I feel the strangest need to laugh out loud right now.
I'm so fucking ridiculous.
Have an absolutely fucking amazing day!!!!!!! <3<3<3
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Karaline is irrevocably, unashamedly
In love.
And it hurts because I'm leaving in August for the opposite side of the country. He's absolutely perfect for me, but I can't have him because I'm leaving and it would be cruel to try and start something now. And I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I've been in love with him for years, but if I tell him, I'll also have to tell him how much it hurts me to not be able to take our relationship to a more intimate level. I would like to ask him to wait 4 years for me. That's all I need. Four years. But I can't. I can't tie him down like that. I can't tie myself down. I may meet someone in college and end up falling in love with them. But I'll never forget my first love. The love I could never expand upon. My secret, burning passion.
I just started crying and I'm not sure why. But I nearly cried earlier. We danced every slow dance (except one) and all of them had the same message: "I'm so in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side." And it hit me that I can't spend the rest of my life with him at my side because I'm moving away. He'll find a new girl, or maybe a few more. He'll fall in love with one of them, and I'll watch their wedding, wishing it was me in that white dress, standing beside him and feeling so full of love and joy and amazingness. I'll cry then, too. I'll say I always cry at weddings so no one knows the truth.
Bad timing. Everything is based on bad timing. And maybe God's telling me something. Maybe I'll come back from PA with my bachelors degree and he'll bump into me at the airport and just...blurt it out. Because I know he feels the same. I KNOW it. He's proven it so many times that he loves me, too, but...I don't think he knows he does. Or maybe he does and he's feeling the same as I am and trying to date other people because he can't have me. Maybe that's why all his relationships die like mine do.
I'm not a big believer in fate, but I think he and I are supposed to be together. I think we could have that fairytale romance that every girl wishes for.
Maybe in four years.
God, I wish...things were different. I wish I could just say...
Matt, I love you. I always have. "I don't know how you do what you do. I'm so in love with you. It just keeps getting better. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side. Forever and ever. Every little thing that you do...baby, I'm amazed by you."
And it hurts because I'm leaving in August for the opposite side of the country. He's absolutely perfect for me, but I can't have him because I'm leaving and it would be cruel to try and start something now. And I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I've been in love with him for years, but if I tell him, I'll also have to tell him how much it hurts me to not be able to take our relationship to a more intimate level. I would like to ask him to wait 4 years for me. That's all I need. Four years. But I can't. I can't tie him down like that. I can't tie myself down. I may meet someone in college and end up falling in love with them. But I'll never forget my first love. The love I could never expand upon. My secret, burning passion.
I just started crying and I'm not sure why. But I nearly cried earlier. We danced every slow dance (except one) and all of them had the same message: "I'm so in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side." And it hit me that I can't spend the rest of my life with him at my side because I'm moving away. He'll find a new girl, or maybe a few more. He'll fall in love with one of them, and I'll watch their wedding, wishing it was me in that white dress, standing beside him and feeling so full of love and joy and amazingness. I'll cry then, too. I'll say I always cry at weddings so no one knows the truth.
Bad timing. Everything is based on bad timing. And maybe God's telling me something. Maybe I'll come back from PA with my bachelors degree and he'll bump into me at the airport and just...blurt it out. Because I know he feels the same. I KNOW it. He's proven it so many times that he loves me, too, but...I don't think he knows he does. Or maybe he does and he's feeling the same as I am and trying to date other people because he can't have me. Maybe that's why all his relationships die like mine do.
I'm not a big believer in fate, but I think he and I are supposed to be together. I think we could have that fairytale romance that every girl wishes for.
Maybe in four years.
God, I wish...things were different. I wish I could just say...
Matt, I love you. I always have. "I don't know how you do what you do. I'm so in love with you. It just keeps getting better. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side. Forever and ever. Every little thing that you do...baby, I'm amazed by you."
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