I need to actually start posting these things, but I was so fed up with YouTube last night, that I failed in doing this.
Anyway, the topic of discussion today is friendship. I wrote two letters yesterday, one to Teresa and one to Coco. Long story short, the themes of the two letters were wildly different. But they made me think. I just started writing down all my thoughts of what I would like to say, and then more thoughts kind of came to me as I writing the first ones down, and by the time I was finished writing these letters, I was completely emotionally drained. It was really intense.
I talked to Matt last night after I got to thinking about all of it again, and I was crying and trying to figure out what to do, and he made everything better. I feel like I should write him a letter, too.
I’m not going to go into specifics because I don’t want to make this issue public, even if only a couple people actually read this. But I’ll put the general…idea out there. Teresa and I are having some problems. And maybe it’s my overactive imagination at work here, and maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion, but I am genuinely hurt by what’s going on. I’m not sure if it’s her issue or if it’s my issue, but I want to do something about it. That’s what talking to Matt did. It made me motivated enough to grow some balls and actually do something. We’re going to talk on Saturday and, hopefully, work out all our issues. Or possibly create newer, bigger ones. Either way, I know for a fact that I’m not just going to disappear from her life, no matter what stupid thing she does or whatever bitchy things I do, because she’s been a big part of my life for the last two years. Inconsistent, but still a part of it. I can’t fault her for that because I do the same thing. Out of sight, out of mind. But when I come back, everyone I’ve forgotten is still here waiting for me like nothing happened. That means everything to me. I hope it means just as much to Teresa.
My sophomore or junior year of high school, I got a list of quotes on friendship to use for some project or essay. I wish I still had those quotes, because they were beautiful. But I remember one because I wrote a blog about it the night I got the quotes: “A true friend doesn’t jump off the edge of a cliff with you; they wait at the bottom to catch you when you fall.”
I live by that quote. I always want to be waiting at the bottom. I always want someone waiting for me at the bottom. I don’t know how well I’m doing in this endeavor, but I know how many amazing people I have catching me when I fall, and that’s what helps me wake up every morning.
So, yeah. Friendship.
Thanks. It means a lot more to me than I ever say out loud. :)
Friday, July 17, 2009
Day Three: On Numbers
I am always only a number.
I came to this realization on my way to work today. I’ve experienced what it’s like on both sides of the fence when it comes to numbers. In high school, I was a number and, after the first few weeks of school, a name. In Etown, I was a name. At Grossmont, I am a number.
There’s something about anonymity that makes me feel safer, though. Teachers don’t pay too close of attention, so I can get away with slacking off a little bit. Back in Etown, if I missed an assignment, everyone knew. If I failed a test, everyone knew. If I got an A paper, everyone knew. Do you see a pattern here? But, still, it was nice to be a name and a face and a person instead of just a number. I wasn’t just a list of credentials on a piece of paper. I was a person—a student.
I’m out of Etown now, and I’m in California. If I stay here, no matter what happens, I’m going to be a number at some college. CSU’s are too big, and small private schools might not accept me as a student. So I’m going to be a number if I stay here for college.
That’s college, but what about life after college? Well, that’s simple enough. I’m still a number. I have been since birth. I put it on all my work applications, college applications, and everything else of any official matter. And I have to pay to keep my numerical identification.
My social security number.
No matter what I do, who I am, or where I’ve been, I will always be a number assigned to me by the government at birth.
Therefore, I am always only a number.
I came to this realization on my way to work today. I’ve experienced what it’s like on both sides of the fence when it comes to numbers. In high school, I was a number and, after the first few weeks of school, a name. In Etown, I was a name. At Grossmont, I am a number.
There’s something about anonymity that makes me feel safer, though. Teachers don’t pay too close of attention, so I can get away with slacking off a little bit. Back in Etown, if I missed an assignment, everyone knew. If I failed a test, everyone knew. If I got an A paper, everyone knew. Do you see a pattern here? But, still, it was nice to be a name and a face and a person instead of just a number. I wasn’t just a list of credentials on a piece of paper. I was a person—a student.
I’m out of Etown now, and I’m in California. If I stay here, no matter what happens, I’m going to be a number at some college. CSU’s are too big, and small private schools might not accept me as a student. So I’m going to be a number if I stay here for college.
That’s college, but what about life after college? Well, that’s simple enough. I’m still a number. I have been since birth. I put it on all my work applications, college applications, and everything else of any official matter. And I have to pay to keep my numerical identification.
My social security number.
No matter what I do, who I am, or where I’ve been, I will always be a number assigned to me by the government at birth.
Therefore, I am always only a number.
Day Seventeen: Ughhhh.
I swear I've been blogging every day. I just haven't been posting. But today that changes. I'll post everything I've written at some point. Later.
I woke up this morning, exactly ten minutes before my alarm, with cramps. Lovely, right? I thought so.
So I got up, went to the bathroom, took care of what needed to be done to make sure I didn't bleed out all over the place (which is really disgusting and hard to clean, by the way), and went out to the kitchen to take a handful of Midol 'cause I knew the cramps were only going to get worse. They always do. I then went back to bed, turned off my alarm, curled up into the fetal position as God's curse to women made itself known by way of intense uterine cramping, and picked up a book to read to distract myself until the Midol took effect.
I've heard women crave chocolate because it has caffeine and caffeine makes everything better. Therefore, I had a cup of coffee AND chocolate this morning. And now I'm chugging water because dehydration makes it worse. Which means bathroom trips every 45-60 minutes. And increased metabolism. So I'm hungry, thirsty, peeing, and in a constant state of, what I like to call, 'ugh.' Because the worst part of this first day is the feeling that your insides are turning to mush.
It's hard to explain how this feels.
It's not painful, not after the Midol or Advil kicks in. But there's this distinct feeling of grossness in the lower abdominal region. You know it SHOULD be hurting, but instead all there is is this discomfort that kinda makes you squirm because it's in between annoying and uncomfortable. But it doesn't hurt and it's not at the forefront of your mind. It's just there. You know it's there, but you can ignore it if you concentrate on something else. But the second you're done, it's there again. Like a tiny fly buzzing around in your brain.
For some reason, after all this happens, I start feeling like everything in my lower abdomen is one big, mushy pile of grossness. That hasn't hit me yet today, but I know it will. Especially if I'm standing or walking around. Sitting down, everything is okay. But, as I mentioned before, I have to pee a lot. So I'm getting up and walking and feeling like mush.
Ugh.
I woke up this morning, exactly ten minutes before my alarm, with cramps. Lovely, right? I thought so.
So I got up, went to the bathroom, took care of what needed to be done to make sure I didn't bleed out all over the place (which is really disgusting and hard to clean, by the way), and went out to the kitchen to take a handful of Midol 'cause I knew the cramps were only going to get worse. They always do. I then went back to bed, turned off my alarm, curled up into the fetal position as God's curse to women made itself known by way of intense uterine cramping, and picked up a book to read to distract myself until the Midol took effect.
I've heard women crave chocolate because it has caffeine and caffeine makes everything better. Therefore, I had a cup of coffee AND chocolate this morning. And now I'm chugging water because dehydration makes it worse. Which means bathroom trips every 45-60 minutes. And increased metabolism. So I'm hungry, thirsty, peeing, and in a constant state of, what I like to call, 'ugh.' Because the worst part of this first day is the feeling that your insides are turning to mush.
It's hard to explain how this feels.
It's not painful, not after the Midol or Advil kicks in. But there's this distinct feeling of grossness in the lower abdominal region. You know it SHOULD be hurting, but instead all there is is this discomfort that kinda makes you squirm because it's in between annoying and uncomfortable. But it doesn't hurt and it's not at the forefront of your mind. It's just there. You know it's there, but you can ignore it if you concentrate on something else. But the second you're done, it's there again. Like a tiny fly buzzing around in your brain.
For some reason, after all this happens, I start feeling like everything in my lower abdomen is one big, mushy pile of grossness. That hasn't hit me yet today, but I know it will. Especially if I'm standing or walking around. Sitting down, everything is okay. But, as I mentioned before, I have to pee a lot. So I'm getting up and walking and feeling like mush.
Ugh.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Blog Everyday in July: Day 2
I already failed at my blog everyday challenge.
It's really not my fault that my 45 minute nap turned into a nine hour nap. Really, it isn't.
Anyway, the reason I was so tired was because I woke up in the middle of the night with a tune and words going through my head, and I had to write it down. I haven't bothered to fix the pentameter because I like it's rhythm as is. I'm fine with writing the music to the words.
There's no title yet. I've just been calling it Elizabethtown. Also, there are some verses that I want to put in, but they don't fit yet, so...I'll try my best with this to make it work.
Elizabethtown
How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me
RHPS at midnight
In spring, flying kites
Dance parties in the halls
"I'll kick you in the balls"
Non-carnivorous fish
What more can I say?
How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me
Hardcore creepin'
"I'm fuckin' sleeping"
Police lights to Philly
All for Alex Day
Driving in snow
For Matt Maggiacomo
How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me
One Sneeze Fail
What an epic tale
Days of silence
Pregaming is intense
Marriage proposals
And strange animals
How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
I'll come back
I'm counting down the days
To see all your faces
All your smiles
'Cause I'll never forget
Music at midnight
Roommate lovin'
GLBT rights
All-night energy drinks
Friends that I have made
That became my family
I'll never forget you
I'll never forget you
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me.
End
I really need more Arslan stuff in there. I kind of just chose the big things that everyone remembers, but I want to add something about incense, late night walks, and photo shoots. Maybe vampires and slut-eating trees, too. I need more Nick and Arslan in the song. That's it. And more Sedrick. I should add something about muffins.
This song is never going to end.
It's really not my fault that my 45 minute nap turned into a nine hour nap. Really, it isn't.
Anyway, the reason I was so tired was because I woke up in the middle of the night with a tune and words going through my head, and I had to write it down. I haven't bothered to fix the pentameter because I like it's rhythm as is. I'm fine with writing the music to the words.
There's no title yet. I've just been calling it Elizabethtown. Also, there are some verses that I want to put in, but they don't fit yet, so...I'll try my best with this to make it work.
Elizabethtown
How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me
RHPS at midnight
In spring, flying kites
Dance parties in the halls
"I'll kick you in the balls"
Non-carnivorous fish
What more can I say?
How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me
Hardcore creepin'
"I'm fuckin' sleeping"
Police lights to Philly
All for Alex Day
Driving in snow
For Matt Maggiacomo
How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me
One Sneeze Fail
What an epic tale
Days of silence
Pregaming is intense
Marriage proposals
And strange animals
How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
I'll come back
I'm counting down the days
To see all your faces
All your smiles
'Cause I'll never forget
Music at midnight
Roommate lovin'
GLBT rights
All-night energy drinks
Friends that I have made
That became my family
I'll never forget you
I'll never forget you
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me.
End
I really need more Arslan stuff in there. I kind of just chose the big things that everyone remembers, but I want to add something about incense, late night walks, and photo shoots. Maybe vampires and slut-eating trees, too. I need more Nick and Arslan in the song. That's it. And more Sedrick. I should add something about muffins.
This song is never going to end.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Blog Everyday in July: Day 1
I'm really starting this off with a bang:
I've got nothing to talk about!
Well, not really, anyway. I could talk about Harry Potter, but I'll be doing that the fourteenth and fifteenth days. I could also talk about work, but that's boring. I could talk about physics, but that's even more boring.
Hum. What to talk about...
Music, I guess. Coco had an epic fail, so nothing's been written yet. But, the song Nicole made for OMLS needs harmonies, so we're trying to figure out how to do a three-part harmony mix of it and have it be, like, the theme music. I seriously freakin' love that song. ('Cause this is one, O-N-E Madlib Summer, if you want, want to sing with me...) I wish I could just pull a song out of my ass like that. God.
I wrote more lyrics. One's called Beautiful People. I'm still working out the second one in my head. It'll be dedicated to all my Etown peeps, though, so it'll probably have a lot of inside jokes. I'll definitely have to write the music for that one myself. And learn how to play guitar...
Anyone wanna tutor me? :P
That actually brings me to my next news for the day: I got my first paycheck! Three days of work = $200. I LOVE MY MOTHER.
I'll be giving about $45 of it to my parents for using their money for recent purchases, but the rest is mine. :) I'm going to save fifteen for the Harry Potter movie, stick most of it in the bank, then use the rest to buy books. Nerdfighter win.
Speaking of Nerdfighters, I feel like I really belong in Nerdfighteria this summer. I'm working to get brand new heart monitor software out to the public, decreasing the size of my carbon footprint by carpooling with my mom, AND I'll be doing a lot of charity work, like food drives, and breast cancer walks. I think I've truly embraced what it means to be a nerdfighter. It's a lot more than just being intelligent, awesome, and well-read. It's about actually making a difference, even if it's only to one or two people. :)
I love being a nerdfighter.
Completely unrelated note:
I dropped the bomb on everyone yesterday. I've only been away for two months, and I had already forgotten how much those people mean to me. I was really considering not going back until I talked to Arslan and Stepf. That was when I remembered everything. I remembered why I loved it out there and why I can't stay away from those people for too long without going crazy. I didn't cry until Arslan told me the sweetest things about how he wished he'd told me goodbye with a giant hug instead of just the regular hug(s) he did give me. I didn't know I meant so much to him until he said so, and that was when it truly hit me that I HAVE to go back. They're my family just as much as my friends out here. I love being home and I love having unplanned moments and random kidnappings, but I also love living with forty other people and creating one huge, dysfunctional, incredible family.
Sigh.
Well, for the year that I'm here, I'm going to make the most of it. I've been listening to All Time Low for a while now, and I think my favorite line is from their song 'Weightless.' It really describes how I'm going to live for the next year until I can be back on the east coast.
"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year."
I've got nothing to talk about!
Well, not really, anyway. I could talk about Harry Potter, but I'll be doing that the fourteenth and fifteenth days. I could also talk about work, but that's boring. I could talk about physics, but that's even more boring.
Hum. What to talk about...
Music, I guess. Coco had an epic fail, so nothing's been written yet. But, the song Nicole made for OMLS needs harmonies, so we're trying to figure out how to do a three-part harmony mix of it and have it be, like, the theme music. I seriously freakin' love that song. ('Cause this is one, O-N-E Madlib Summer, if you want, want to sing with me...) I wish I could just pull a song out of my ass like that. God.
I wrote more lyrics. One's called Beautiful People. I'm still working out the second one in my head. It'll be dedicated to all my Etown peeps, though, so it'll probably have a lot of inside jokes. I'll definitely have to write the music for that one myself. And learn how to play guitar...
Anyone wanna tutor me? :P
That actually brings me to my next news for the day: I got my first paycheck! Three days of work = $200. I LOVE MY MOTHER.
I'll be giving about $45 of it to my parents for using their money for recent purchases, but the rest is mine. :) I'm going to save fifteen for the Harry Potter movie, stick most of it in the bank, then use the rest to buy books. Nerdfighter win.
Speaking of Nerdfighters, I feel like I really belong in Nerdfighteria this summer. I'm working to get brand new heart monitor software out to the public, decreasing the size of my carbon footprint by carpooling with my mom, AND I'll be doing a lot of charity work, like food drives, and breast cancer walks. I think I've truly embraced what it means to be a nerdfighter. It's a lot more than just being intelligent, awesome, and well-read. It's about actually making a difference, even if it's only to one or two people. :)
I love being a nerdfighter.
Completely unrelated note:
I dropped the bomb on everyone yesterday. I've only been away for two months, and I had already forgotten how much those people mean to me. I was really considering not going back until I talked to Arslan and Stepf. That was when I remembered everything. I remembered why I loved it out there and why I can't stay away from those people for too long without going crazy. I didn't cry until Arslan told me the sweetest things about how he wished he'd told me goodbye with a giant hug instead of just the regular hug(s) he did give me. I didn't know I meant so much to him until he said so, and that was when it truly hit me that I HAVE to go back. They're my family just as much as my friends out here. I love being home and I love having unplanned moments and random kidnappings, but I also love living with forty other people and creating one huge, dysfunctional, incredible family.
Sigh.
Well, for the year that I'm here, I'm going to make the most of it. I've been listening to All Time Low for a while now, and I think my favorite line is from their song 'Weightless.' It really describes how I'm going to live for the next year until I can be back on the east coast.
"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year."
Monday, June 29, 2009
Blog Everyday in July...?
Do I get a theme song, too? :D
I know it's not July yet, but I'm going to rip off Alex Day (because I love him and he's awesome) and blog every day in July. Even if I don't have anything to talk about. I'll do it. I mean, c'mon, Alex talked about looners (mind you, it was the funniest video I've probably ever seen in my life).
Here's what I've got in mind:
If I don't have anything exciting to report on for one day, I'll post an opinion of some sort and expand upon my beliefs. In short, an opinion essay. Don't be scared, though, I tend to make my opinions quite sarcastic in writing.
If I can't think of an opinion and nothing exciting happened, I'll post either a poem, song, or short story.
If none of those are options, I'll ramble about whatever the hell I want to. :D I may even google strange sex fetishes and discuss them. You never know.
That said, I'll see you in July.
<3 Monday, One Madlib Summer
I know it's not July yet, but I'm going to rip off Alex Day (because I love him and he's awesome) and blog every day in July. Even if I don't have anything to talk about. I'll do it. I mean, c'mon, Alex talked about looners (mind you, it was the funniest video I've probably ever seen in my life).
Here's what I've got in mind:
If I don't have anything exciting to report on for one day, I'll post an opinion of some sort and expand upon my beliefs. In short, an opinion essay. Don't be scared, though, I tend to make my opinions quite sarcastic in writing.
If I can't think of an opinion and nothing exciting happened, I'll post either a poem, song, or short story.
If none of those are options, I'll ramble about whatever the hell I want to. :D I may even google strange sex fetishes and discuss them. You never know.
That said, I'll see you in July.
<3 Monday, One Madlib Summer
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Logistics of Song-Writing
I’ve always considered myself a lyricist. I can write lyrics to a full song in the span of half an hour when I put my mind to it. Adding the music has always been the hardest part—in fact, I’d sort of given up on trying to compose actual music to go with all these lyrics I wrote. But not today. Nay, today I will conquer my inadequacies and write the music for the song that really matters.
Yesterday, some things happened that I never thought would. Words cannot express how unbelievably happy I am that these things happened. However, now all I can think about is what happened. I can’t seem to get it out of my mind, no matter what I do. I want it to happen again, and then some. It’s something I really want. So, naturally, I wrote a song about it.
I didn’t know what to call this song. To be honest, I stole a lot of the ideas for it from one of my first songs, called Spider Game. I wrote the song for a special someone, to let him know that he had broken my heart. In this new song, which just happens to be for the same person, I reference Spider Game. In fact, the first line of the chorus has the exact words ‘spider game’ in it. So, I finished writing the lyrics and I sat there for a while, just staring at it, trying to come up with a title. And then it hit me.
Spider Game Part II
You’ve got dirty talk down to a science
You shouldn’t make me want you like this
Lying next to you, my head on your shoulder
Like water to fire, your lips at my ear
I’ve got this penchant for you
It’s been years – how do you get me like you do?
Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed
I really can’t take you not being near
Memories in my mind arise very clear
Lying under you, my hands on your shoulders
Like brushes of fire, your lips at my ear
I’ve got this longing for you
It’s been hours – how do I go on without you?
Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed
Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed
I’m getting hotter, and you’re getting close
To figuring me out, but these clothes
Are in the way
Of our web-weaving game
Let’s dance tonight and get tangled up
We’ve built this for years – come play with me, my love
Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed.
End
I guess there’s really no need to be secretive about what happened yesterday. I kind of put it all in the song. But it’s probably not what you think. In fact, this song doesn’t quite express the sweetness and the kindness of what went on. I’ve never felt so secure or beautiful in my life, and nothing even happened. At least, not what we wanted to happen. :P
Anyway, since Coco was the first person to know what happened, and she’s musically inclined, I asked her for help in writing this song. So far, we’ve got the time signature and the key signature. I’m guessing we’ll work everything out tomorrow night when we actually have a keyboard, haha.
My biggest issue (aside from needing to write music) is Spider Game (the original). I can’t post Spider Game Part II without having a Part I, you know? So, I guess I should find my old lyrics notebook and work something out for that one. Either that, or I could rename Part II. It’s an option, but only if I don’t write Part I. Otherwise people will be like, “WTF, WHERE’S PART ONE?!?!?1”
I don’t want to deal with that.
So I’ve got two choices.
Decisions, decisions…
Yesterday, some things happened that I never thought would. Words cannot express how unbelievably happy I am that these things happened. However, now all I can think about is what happened. I can’t seem to get it out of my mind, no matter what I do. I want it to happen again, and then some. It’s something I really want. So, naturally, I wrote a song about it.
I didn’t know what to call this song. To be honest, I stole a lot of the ideas for it from one of my first songs, called Spider Game. I wrote the song for a special someone, to let him know that he had broken my heart. In this new song, which just happens to be for the same person, I reference Spider Game. In fact, the first line of the chorus has the exact words ‘spider game’ in it. So, I finished writing the lyrics and I sat there for a while, just staring at it, trying to come up with a title. And then it hit me.
Spider Game Part II
You’ve got dirty talk down to a science
You shouldn’t make me want you like this
Lying next to you, my head on your shoulder
Like water to fire, your lips at my ear
I’ve got this penchant for you
It’s been years – how do you get me like you do?
Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed
I really can’t take you not being near
Memories in my mind arise very clear
Lying under you, my hands on your shoulders
Like brushes of fire, your lips at my ear
I’ve got this longing for you
It’s been hours – how do I go on without you?
Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed
Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed
I’m getting hotter, and you’re getting close
To figuring me out, but these clothes
Are in the way
Of our web-weaving game
Let’s dance tonight and get tangled up
We’ve built this for years – come play with me, my love
Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed.
End
I guess there’s really no need to be secretive about what happened yesterday. I kind of put it all in the song. But it’s probably not what you think. In fact, this song doesn’t quite express the sweetness and the kindness of what went on. I’ve never felt so secure or beautiful in my life, and nothing even happened. At least, not what we wanted to happen. :P
Anyway, since Coco was the first person to know what happened, and she’s musically inclined, I asked her for help in writing this song. So far, we’ve got the time signature and the key signature. I’m guessing we’ll work everything out tomorrow night when we actually have a keyboard, haha.
My biggest issue (aside from needing to write music) is Spider Game (the original). I can’t post Spider Game Part II without having a Part I, you know? So, I guess I should find my old lyrics notebook and work something out for that one. Either that, or I could rename Part II. It’s an option, but only if I don’t write Part I. Otherwise people will be like, “WTF, WHERE’S PART ONE?!?!?1”
I don’t want to deal with that.
So I’ve got two choices.
Decisions, decisions…
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