Guilt

Whenever I get an email from my pastor, I can feel the blood rushing out of my head. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. If I don't show up to church one Sunday, I know everyone's thinking, "Oh, Karaline's not here. Didn't see THAT coming." And what part of that would make me want to go back the next week? I love my church family and all, but they make me feel guilty for things I don't have to be guilty about.

It's just really discouraging. Why would I go someplace when I know I'll just feel bad about myself?

All that aside, I've also been busy or out of town or sick. And after five days of dealing with Dave and Mandy's battle of who can care less, I need as much time as I can get to recover. I don't get enough sleep during the week and I really don't feel the need to be up at 8 in the morning on a day off. This the 21st century, pastor. Give me a Saturday night service. I could make it to that. I could also make it to a Sunday night service. No problem.

My faith doesn't die when I miss church. I know it weakens, but I'm not dead. Not even close. I still hold my morals, my beliefs. Nothing can make those die. Especially when I see every day how awful life can get when God isn't involved.

I guess I just want to be trusted. And not judged. That would make it a lot easier to go back.