I have approximately $1500 available to me right now. This doesn't seem like much, I know. But it's enough for three things.
1. Deposit and first month's rent for an apartment
2. A round-trip ticket to Pennsylvania
3. Down payment on a car
I initially wanted to spend $500 to go spend my last week of summer in PA with everyone. That became an unreality quickly after the plans were set in motion for reasons I won't discuss.
I then started leaning on the apartment issue. I've found a couple apartments that are absolutely perfect and I'd like nothing better than to move in tomorrow. But I can't do that until...
I have a car.
Luckily, the perfect car was listed yesterday on autotrader.com. If all goes according to plan, I'll be driving it home tomorrow. $6500. I'll be paying a thousand. My parents will pay the rest. A loan from the bank will maybe pay them back. And then I'll pay the bank back over time.
I've made my decision. Car comes before anything else. But the apartment is my next priority. It'll be easier to pay for when I have financial aid. And maybe once I have all that settled, I can try and hop on a plane. :)
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thought-Provoking Day, It Would Seem
I'm wondering about women. Are most, if not all, women somehow attracted to other women in some part of their brain?
Let me explain where this is coming from. I've joked about going gay, but I've never been serious. However...
Most heterosexual girls my age that I've talk to all agree that we're attracted to men with feminine features in their face. We're also attracted to what makes them inherently male, but when they have softer features, it's like a magnet for us. Some girls might disagree and say that sharp, masculine angles are what it's all about.
That makes me wonder what influences the choices in attraction we all have. Is it psychological? Societal? Genetic? Oedipal?
I immediately thought it was societal. Women have always been pressured into believing that we are only here to serve men, and since most heterosexual men enjoy watching girls get up on each other, perhaps we've started to seek out feminine-looking men. I don't think this can be proven, but I think it's an interesting study.
But it could also be psychological, couldn't it? If a girl grew up in an abusive home, if she was abused by her father, she will most likely be scared of men who remind her of him. (This is all hypothetical and based on conjecture alone, of course.) So, if her father was more of a man's man, she might seek out a guy who looks more girly because she'd feel safer. This route of thinking could be proven, but it's all based on circumstance, so probably nothing could come of it.
Last is genetic and Oedipal. Everyone knows what an Oedipus complex is, and it's more dominant in men than women, but it still happens. I do gravitate more toward men who are like my father because he's a good man with a good sense of humor and wonderful parenting skills. Who wouldn't look for a guy like that? But I find the personality attractive, so it's not exactly an Oedipus complex. Which brings me to genetics. Myself, I'm a fan of smiles and asses. My mother likes smiles and eyes. My aunt likes asses and eyes. You see what I'm getting at?
Maybe the things we're attracted to are inherited from those we came from.
But now the question remains: why do girls go for feminine men?
My friends, I have no answer for this.
Let me explain where this is coming from. I've joked about going gay, but I've never been serious. However...
Most heterosexual girls my age that I've talk to all agree that we're attracted to men with feminine features in their face. We're also attracted to what makes them inherently male, but when they have softer features, it's like a magnet for us. Some girls might disagree and say that sharp, masculine angles are what it's all about.
That makes me wonder what influences the choices in attraction we all have. Is it psychological? Societal? Genetic? Oedipal?
I immediately thought it was societal. Women have always been pressured into believing that we are only here to serve men, and since most heterosexual men enjoy watching girls get up on each other, perhaps we've started to seek out feminine-looking men. I don't think this can be proven, but I think it's an interesting study.
But it could also be psychological, couldn't it? If a girl grew up in an abusive home, if she was abused by her father, she will most likely be scared of men who remind her of him. (This is all hypothetical and based on conjecture alone, of course.) So, if her father was more of a man's man, she might seek out a guy who looks more girly because she'd feel safer. This route of thinking could be proven, but it's all based on circumstance, so probably nothing could come of it.
Last is genetic and Oedipal. Everyone knows what an Oedipus complex is, and it's more dominant in men than women, but it still happens. I do gravitate more toward men who are like my father because he's a good man with a good sense of humor and wonderful parenting skills. Who wouldn't look for a guy like that? But I find the personality attractive, so it's not exactly an Oedipus complex. Which brings me to genetics. Myself, I'm a fan of smiles and asses. My mother likes smiles and eyes. My aunt likes asses and eyes. You see what I'm getting at?
Maybe the things we're attracted to are inherited from those we came from.
But now the question remains: why do girls go for feminine men?
My friends, I have no answer for this.
Un-Rawr
I would say, "I love it when everything works out," but not everything worked out. I'm hiding stuff from Jenelle and Claire now because I need to talk to Claire and Mike and...I just need to work out all that stuff, really, but as for where I stand with Mike, I think everything is worked out. We're on the same page.
I've never had a conversation with a guy about how much I'd like to do Helena Bonham-Carter and Brad Pitt...and have him agree with me whole-heartedly. Haha. And when he saw that the background of my phone said "In Your Pants" and "DFTBA," he was honestly interested and thought it was really cool once I'd explained it all to him. And he's a writer. He likes the social movement things, but also the slightly disturbing fantasy stuff. I, of course, recommended the Black Jewels Trilogy to him. And when I told him my parents were very right wing and that I was more in the middle, he just kissed me and said, "Rebellion is hot."
Going back to the writer part, though, it made me really happy. He completely understands the way books can influence your mood and how reading something really great can make you want to write for sixteen hours straight, just to try and match the greatness you just consumed. He also encouraged me to enter a competition and to send him some of my stuff because he's a grammar Nazi (just like me) and he'd love to help me out.
It all made me wish that guys closer to my age were that awesome.
Oh well. I'm moving out in November, and if we happen to decide that we do want more than sex and friendship, I'll just have to break it to my parents that he happens to be 27. I broke it to my mom yesterday that I wanted to get my nose pierced and she flipped a minor shit, but didn't tell me I couldn't get it done, so...
But that was a piercing. Not a guy. She was okay with Matt because she'd known him since he was 17/18. Unfortunately, after what he put me through, she might have an issue with me dating a guy that much older than me. I'll have to point out that he's more mature than guys my age and that Lauren Fairweather's dating a guy nearly 10 years older than her. So, really...
Hahahaha, I hope to God I never have to have this conversation with my parents. XD
I've never had a conversation with a guy about how much I'd like to do Helena Bonham-Carter and Brad Pitt...and have him agree with me whole-heartedly. Haha. And when he saw that the background of my phone said "In Your Pants" and "DFTBA," he was honestly interested and thought it was really cool once I'd explained it all to him. And he's a writer. He likes the social movement things, but also the slightly disturbing fantasy stuff. I, of course, recommended the Black Jewels Trilogy to him. And when I told him my parents were very right wing and that I was more in the middle, he just kissed me and said, "Rebellion is hot."
Going back to the writer part, though, it made me really happy. He completely understands the way books can influence your mood and how reading something really great can make you want to write for sixteen hours straight, just to try and match the greatness you just consumed. He also encouraged me to enter a competition and to send him some of my stuff because he's a grammar Nazi (just like me) and he'd love to help me out.
It all made me wish that guys closer to my age were that awesome.
Oh well. I'm moving out in November, and if we happen to decide that we do want more than sex and friendship, I'll just have to break it to my parents that he happens to be 27. I broke it to my mom yesterday that I wanted to get my nose pierced and she flipped a minor shit, but didn't tell me I couldn't get it done, so...
But that was a piercing. Not a guy. She was okay with Matt because she'd known him since he was 17/18. Unfortunately, after what he put me through, she might have an issue with me dating a guy that much older than me. I'll have to point out that he's more mature than guys my age and that Lauren Fairweather's dating a guy nearly 10 years older than her. So, really...
Hahahaha, I hope to God I never have to have this conversation with my parents. XD
Monday, August 17, 2009
Rawr Rawr Rawr
The inner workings of human to human chemistry are beyond me, but at the moment, I'm really pissed about them.
So, I lose a guy and a best friend. I cry about it, I bitch about it, I blog about it. I'm over it. Almost. Now I need to rebound from it. Lo and behold, a new guy is provided by the fates. And that guy happens to like me. And I happen to like him. And we happen to have a shit ton of chemistry. Oh, and he's seeking a rebound as well.
It would be perfect if Claire hadn't called him. If I didn't have to incorporate Claire's feelings into this mess, my life would be simple. But no. The nervous butterflies and the pins of guilt are warring in my stomach right now. What do I say to him when I see him? Do I tell him that he's a guilty pleasure? Do I tell him I broke a promise to be with him?
The real question is, if I legitimately like him, is he even a rebound?
And, of course, in the middle of it all is a best friend who can't understand why I would break a promise in the first place. Because I don't. Ask anyone. I'm unreliable when it comes to due dates and birthday presents, but I'm anything but selfish.
And I did something completely selfish.
They can't comprehend it. "You mean, Karaline's a real human being? Gasp!"
Yes, my friends. I am more than a robot. I can be a bitch and I can be self-centered and I can blow off friends for a boy.
The fact of the matter is, this is a rare occurrence. When I'm a bitch, you probably deserve it. When I'm self-centered, I'm probably bluffing. When there's a boy I like, I bring him into my group of friends, and if he isn't scared off after that, he's probably a keeper.
I legitimately like Mike. I could say I don't care what happens if I pursue a relationship with him, but I can't. I do care. I don't care if Claire bitches about me or doesn't want to speak to me again. So long as she bitches TO me and not about me to someone else. That's what started my anger and, therefore, this blog. I don't give a shit what Claire does so long as she's open about it to me. What I care about is Jenelle. She doesn't know what to think or which side to be on. As far as she knows, I'm just a whore who breaks promises. It hurts to know that a best friend would automatically believe that assumption, but...that's life, I guess.
I hate to cut this short, but I need to leave in a few minutes to go look at an apartment with Jenelle. Hopefully, we'll be able to talk it all over. And maybe when I meet up with Mike afterward, I won't feel so guilty about feeling like this about him.
So, I lose a guy and a best friend. I cry about it, I bitch about it, I blog about it. I'm over it. Almost. Now I need to rebound from it. Lo and behold, a new guy is provided by the fates. And that guy happens to like me. And I happen to like him. And we happen to have a shit ton of chemistry. Oh, and he's seeking a rebound as well.
It would be perfect if Claire hadn't called him. If I didn't have to incorporate Claire's feelings into this mess, my life would be simple. But no. The nervous butterflies and the pins of guilt are warring in my stomach right now. What do I say to him when I see him? Do I tell him that he's a guilty pleasure? Do I tell him I broke a promise to be with him?
The real question is, if I legitimately like him, is he even a rebound?
And, of course, in the middle of it all is a best friend who can't understand why I would break a promise in the first place. Because I don't. Ask anyone. I'm unreliable when it comes to due dates and birthday presents, but I'm anything but selfish.
And I did something completely selfish.
They can't comprehend it. "You mean, Karaline's a real human being? Gasp!"
Yes, my friends. I am more than a robot. I can be a bitch and I can be self-centered and I can blow off friends for a boy.
The fact of the matter is, this is a rare occurrence. When I'm a bitch, you probably deserve it. When I'm self-centered, I'm probably bluffing. When there's a boy I like, I bring him into my group of friends, and if he isn't scared off after that, he's probably a keeper.
I legitimately like Mike. I could say I don't care what happens if I pursue a relationship with him, but I can't. I do care. I don't care if Claire bitches about me or doesn't want to speak to me again. So long as she bitches TO me and not about me to someone else. That's what started my anger and, therefore, this blog. I don't give a shit what Claire does so long as she's open about it to me. What I care about is Jenelle. She doesn't know what to think or which side to be on. As far as she knows, I'm just a whore who breaks promises. It hurts to know that a best friend would automatically believe that assumption, but...that's life, I guess.
I hate to cut this short, but I need to leave in a few minutes to go look at an apartment with Jenelle. Hopefully, we'll be able to talk it all over. And maybe when I meet up with Mike afterward, I won't feel so guilty about feeling like this about him.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I'm a big fan of adjectives. Life would be so boring without adjectives. So, when I went searching for the perfect word to describe every single thought and emotion going through me, I easily found the perfect fit.
Disillusioned: a freeing or a being freed from illusion or conviction; disenchantment.
I'm nineteen and disillusioned with life.
What all has led to this conclusion? Well, just a few realizations I've made over the past twelve hours:
Real friends are much harder to find than you might think, and you never know when they'll stab you in the back.
Sometimes, there really isn't a way when there's a will. Sometimes, you're really just fucked if you don't have the money.
People make mistakes all the time, and can only be forgiven if they feel bad enough about them.
The truth really does set you free, but with a heavy price.
No boy is worth crying over. They're only here to help populate the earth.
Sometimes there isn't a song to describe it, not matter how hard you look.
Real friends will always tell you the truth, even if it hurts both of you.
Real friends will also not condemn the truth-telling friend. Always value honesty.
There really isn't enough coffee in the world to fix it.
The only worthwhile ones are gay. Sorry.
Being where you belong is lot easier said than done.
Escaping is always futile. You can't outrun yourself no matter how hard you try.
You should never regret loving someone, but that doesn't mean you can't want to castrate him.
It really is impossible to love someone before your mid-twenties.
It's not worth the fight if the one you're fighting for also happens to be the one you're fighting.
Sometimes life sucks. Life doesn't care, so you might as well get over it.
No, alcohol won't help. It just makes you stupid and pays you back in the morning.
Big future plans usually get fucked over right before you can really do anything to put them in motion. Might as well just live for the moment and fuck planning.
Being an opportunist has its perks, and it's totally worth it for a while. And then you have to find a different opportunity to waste your time on.
Nerdfighters really are the greatest people on earth. It's just too bad I really don't get to hang out with them irl.
Disillusioned. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm angry about it. Furious. So mad that I can't cry or talk or do anything but rhyme on a piece of paper. There's no way to express it all except on paper.
I really do love adjectives, if only because I love the power of the written word. Writing has always been my escape. It helps a little. I'm slowly leaking everything out so that I can start again. I won't ever be enchanted by the world again, though. That's been ruined for me. But I can pretend and I can escape for short periods of time.
All I need in this life is a pencil and some paper.
Disillusioned: a freeing or a being freed from illusion or conviction; disenchantment.
I'm nineteen and disillusioned with life.
What all has led to this conclusion? Well, just a few realizations I've made over the past twelve hours:
Real friends are much harder to find than you might think, and you never know when they'll stab you in the back.
Sometimes, there really isn't a way when there's a will. Sometimes, you're really just fucked if you don't have the money.
People make mistakes all the time, and can only be forgiven if they feel bad enough about them.
The truth really does set you free, but with a heavy price.
No boy is worth crying over. They're only here to help populate the earth.
Sometimes there isn't a song to describe it, not matter how hard you look.
Real friends will always tell you the truth, even if it hurts both of you.
Real friends will also not condemn the truth-telling friend. Always value honesty.
There really isn't enough coffee in the world to fix it.
The only worthwhile ones are gay. Sorry.
Being where you belong is lot easier said than done.
Escaping is always futile. You can't outrun yourself no matter how hard you try.
You should never regret loving someone, but that doesn't mean you can't want to castrate him.
It really is impossible to love someone before your mid-twenties.
It's not worth the fight if the one you're fighting for also happens to be the one you're fighting.
Sometimes life sucks. Life doesn't care, so you might as well get over it.
No, alcohol won't help. It just makes you stupid and pays you back in the morning.
Big future plans usually get fucked over right before you can really do anything to put them in motion. Might as well just live for the moment and fuck planning.
Being an opportunist has its perks, and it's totally worth it for a while. And then you have to find a different opportunity to waste your time on.
Nerdfighters really are the greatest people on earth. It's just too bad I really don't get to hang out with them irl.
Disillusioned. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm angry about it. Furious. So mad that I can't cry or talk or do anything but rhyme on a piece of paper. There's no way to express it all except on paper.
I really do love adjectives, if only because I love the power of the written word. Writing has always been my escape. It helps a little. I'm slowly leaking everything out so that I can start again. I won't ever be enchanted by the world again, though. That's been ruined for me. But I can pretend and I can escape for short periods of time.
All I need in this life is a pencil and some paper.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
December 1, 2009
I'll get straight to the point.
My mom was offered a job in Seattle. If she can get them to up her salary to $80,000, she's going to take it.
I'm not sure where that leaves me. I mean, obviously, I'd stay here and go to Grossmont for the full year. But I don't know where I'll be living or if I'll stay after this year. But that's okay because I'm fully determined to go back to Etown after this year. I have this strange feeling that there are better opportunities out there for me.
That said, I'm giving up. I'm tired of everything the way it is now and I've wasted too much time. So, it's over. If I'm acting strange, that's why. It's because I'm done. It's because I can't possibly do this any longer.
For the occasion, I wrote a song that I'm not going to post here because it's useless anyway. Why bother trying anymore, right? I'm clearly just not worth it. Never have been.
My mom was offered a job in Seattle. If she can get them to up her salary to $80,000, she's going to take it.
I'm not sure where that leaves me. I mean, obviously, I'd stay here and go to Grossmont for the full year. But I don't know where I'll be living or if I'll stay after this year. But that's okay because I'm fully determined to go back to Etown after this year. I have this strange feeling that there are better opportunities out there for me.
That said, I'm giving up. I'm tired of everything the way it is now and I've wasted too much time. So, it's over. If I'm acting strange, that's why. It's because I'm done. It's because I can't possibly do this any longer.
For the occasion, I wrote a song that I'm not going to post here because it's useless anyway. Why bother trying anymore, right? I'm clearly just not worth it. Never have been.
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