The Life and Lies of Karaline Weasley

I Come Bearing Drabble

2011-10-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

A Sunglasses In Time

On a waxy and orange morning, Raine sat up a stream. It was Valentine's Day and she was all alone. Her kidney ached in sorrow for the secret love that she could never share. How could she expect Sonny to love someone with a shiny eyeball?

Joyously, she began to recite a poem she had composed. "Ah, my love is like a fiery papered cell phone, all on a summer's day. I wish my Sonny would jump me, in his own poopy way..."

"Do you?" Sonny sat down beside Raine and put his hand on Raine's wenis. "I think that could be arranged."

Raine gasped sandly. "But what about my shiny eyeball?"

"I like it," Sonny said sexily. "I think it's careful."

They came together and their kiss was like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood.

"I love you," Raine said protectively.

"I love you too," Sonny replied and jumped her.

They bought a platypus, moved in together, and lived throatily ever after.

The Shiny Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Sonny and Raine went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Sonny hit Raine in her wenis with a big thick iceball. It hurt a lot, but Sonny kissed it throatily and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really waxy snow man!" Sonny said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Raine said. "That would be more luminescent and politically correct."

"I know," Sonny said. "We can make a snow platypus. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up protectively and made an orange snow platypus. Sonny put on a whale for the eyeball. The platypus was almost as big as Raine.

"It looks fiery," Sonny said joyously. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Raine said and held up a careful cell phone. "I found this up a stream." She put the cell phone onto the platypus's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the platypus, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood.

Raine screamed sexily and ran but the snow platypus chased her until she tripped over a tree root. Then the snow platypus jumped her sandly.

"Nobody does that to my little Poopy Sunglasses," Sonny screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow platypus through the kidney. It fell down and Sonny kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Raine said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The cell phone lay in the yard until a papered child picked it up and took it home.

1000 Whale Platypuss

Raine paced sandly back and forth. Luminescent dread filled her heart. Sonny should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like him to be late. Oh, my shiny love, Raine thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Sonny had been taken hostage by Thick Wenis, a supervillain who had the city in a state of careful terror. Raine fainted dead away, like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood.

When she came to, there was a bump on her eyeball and the luminescent dread had returned. "Sonny, my waxy honey bunny," she cried out sexily. "What is Thick Wenis doing to you?" Probably torturing him, laughing protectively as he jumped him in the kidney.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Raine remembered a story her grandmother had told her. If you fold 1000 whale platypuss, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Raine ordered in a supply of whale and set to work, folding platypuss until her eyeball was sore and she could hardly see. It took a week. She was just finishing up the very last platypus when Sonny walked in the front door.

"Sonny!" Raine screamed and threw herself into Sonny's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 whale platypuss and it brought you back to me." She was so happy, she felt like she was dancing up a stream. She kissed Sonny joyously on the kidney.

"Actually," Sonny said, pulling away throatily, "I was rescued by the Fiery Sunglasses. She's a new superhero in town." Sonny sighed. "And she's really orange."

The luminescent dread came back. "But you're poopy to be back here with me, right?"

Sonny checked his watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Fiery Sunglasses for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay papered, baby." He left and the door banged behind him.

Raine choked back a sob and started folding another platypus. Then she went out and got drunk instead.

Bitch, Please

2011-07-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

You know those moments when you REALLY want to say something epic and badass, but you can't think of WHAT until five minutes after the fact? Yeah. Those suck. ESPECIALLY when you're dressed up in green and silver.

So here's what went down:
We were sitting in the theater, waiting for Harry Potter to start. Everyone was talking. Someone got us to sing happy birthday for a girl in the audience. Many of us were making inappropriate jokes about wands and wood.
...Actually, that last one was just me.
Anyway, the previews started, and we were all laughing and joking about some of them, and nerding out about others. Like Sherlock Holmes 2 and Cowboys Vs. Aliens. And then came Warhorse. And we were all sort of confused as to why there was a preview for a stupid horse movie before Harry freaking Potter. The preview ended and there was a collective breath around the room...and then another preview started and everyone sighed. So, yeah, I giggled, and so did a few people around me.
And this bitch behind me went, "Are you ever gonna shut the fuck up?"
All I could do was stare at her. I couldn't even comprehend it. Like, yeah, you've probably been waiting outside for hours to get in here...SO HAVE WE. Also, it's past midnight, we're tired, practically exploding with excitement, and this night marks the end of our childhood. I'm so sorry you've got Voldemort's wand up your ass, but the rest of us are here to have a good time. CLEARLY you've never been to a midnight premiere before, because EVERYONE talks at midnight premieres! AND THE MOVIE HASN'T FREAKING STARTED YET SO SHUT UP AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN!
I turned around, all of this going through my mind, and I looked down at my bag a minute later and saw my wand. And suddenly I knew the best possible thing I could've done, but it was way too late to do it.
I really should've pointed my wand at her and said, "Silencio," and turned back around like nothing had happened.
I was really bummed I hadn't thought of it sooner, so I leaned over to Amy and told her my plan...and she was giggling LOUDLY for at LEAST a minute.

I hope that bitch knew we were laughing at her.

A Writerly Post: the First of Many

2011-05-03T17:04:00.000-07:00

Having online writerly friends is seriously underrated. I hate doing that chapter by chapter thing for novel writing class. When I write, I don't think in chapters, I think in scenes. My ultimate goal is to make those scenes flow flawlessly. Chapters are supposed to break up those scenes. So, no, I don't write chapters. I write full-length novels and break them up afterward.

Now back to my original point: I love having an online friend who is like-minded and is also a writer. Liz (@skypethis_24601) doesn't mind when I send her 20 page drafts at midnight with critique questions like, "Should they make out here or later?" and, "When they're in the closet (literally and figuratively), would they just fight?" She answers the questions ("As a reader, I want them to make out, but alas, the fates would not be so kind to me.") and then sits on Skype with me while I write more scenes. And then she deals with Skype unformatting everything I write just so I can send her something I've JUST FINISHED and want feedback on. This typically happens way after midnight her time (and then stretches into past midnight my time).

Basically, I think I've fallen in love with instant BETA reading.

And now I feel guilty for not sending Tegan the full critique of the 6-10th chapters of her novel. >.< I think I'll do that while I'm skipping novel writing tonight.

Anyway, now that I've got my energy back and my life under control (for the most part), you'll be seeing more writing posts on here. I've got quite a few projects going on. I've put my NaNoWriMo novel on the back burner for now (I feel like this has happened before...hmmm...), and now I'm working on a new, untitled story (although the "working title" is 'Kailee and Crispin's Excellent Adventure.') along with a joint story (co-written with aforementioned BETA reader). And I've got all summer to work on them! :D

Guilt

2011-04-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

Whenever I get an email from my pastor, I can feel the blood rushing out of my head. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. If I don't show up to church one Sunday, I know everyone's thinking, "Oh, Karaline's not here. Didn't see THAT coming." And what part of that would make me want to go back the next week? I love my church family and all, but they make me feel guilty for things I don't have to be guilty about.

It's just really discouraging. Why would I go someplace when I know I'll just feel bad about myself?

All that aside, I've also been busy or out of town or sick. And after five days of dealing with Dave and Mandy's battle of who can care less, I need as much time as I can get to recover. I don't get enough sleep during the week and I really don't feel the need to be up at 8 in the morning on a day off. This the 21st century, pastor. Give me a Saturday night service. I could make it to that. I could also make it to a Sunday night service. No problem.

My faith doesn't die when I miss church. I know it weakens, but I'm not dead. Not even close. I still hold my morals, my beliefs. Nothing can make those die. Especially when I see every day how awful life can get when God isn't involved.

I guess I just want to be trusted. And not judged. That would make it a lot easier to go back.

Insecurity

2011-03-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

An open letter to all men:

Hello. I'm reaching out to you because, well, you're all sort of stupid when it comes to girls. (To the homosexual men out there, pretend this is about the more effeminate guys.)

You see, we're not your 'guy friends.' We don't like your shows of masculinity. We much prefer romance and flirting and laughter. Most of all, we like to know that you have emotions the same as we do. Maybe they'll never be on the same scale, but we want to know you at least FEEL.

Specifically, we want to know if you're vulnerable. Now, this is the part where you'll get uncomfortable because you're taught by society that you aren't supposed to be weak in any way. You're made fun of if you show weakness. But when you're alone with a girl who cares about you, and you care about her, there's no need for all that. We're really not going to emasculate you for being sincere. If anything, we'll be so shocked and awed by it that we'll be able to do nothing but jump on you and mack on you like crazy.

Think about that for a minute.

Now I'm going to tell you what you REALLY do when you feel insecure. You lash out at us. You bring us down to your level. You make us feel as insecure as you. So instead of feeling compassion for you, we get angry. Instead of wanting to ease your insecurity, we want to rip off your ball sac.

You see the problem here.

So, please, PLEASE stop being stupid. Stop thinking we're stupid guys with testosterone problems. Once you stop that, we'll stop being bitches.

Sincerely,
All Women

O Hai.

2011-03-11T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna be straight with you, Blogger. I forgot about you. It's just, life gets so busy and all the thoughts I wish I could express in blog form get washed back to the dregs of my mind where I will likely never find them again.

Oh? What's that? I should blog about what's been keeping me so busy? Well, if you want. I at least owe you that.

First is school. Considering I'm only taking two classes, I'm a lot busier than I thought I would be. Novel Writing and Short Fiction Writing, one after the other, is taking a toll on me. While I'm working on an on-going story, I'm also coming up with new plots every week and trying to squeeze them all into 400 words. I'm a novelist, folks. I don't write stories in a page or less. I'm getting better at it, though. :)

The next two things taking over my life all started in December. I skipped a class to go to LA so I could be in a Dave Days music video with Zoie. Filming was supposed to take 3 hours. LIES. We were there from 1 PM to 11 PM. It was worth it, though! I got to know so many awesome youtubers in a way that VidCon didn't really allow. At VidCon, if anyone was even slightly famous, they were being pulled in every direction with little to no time for meeting and getting to know people. At the video shoot, we had HOURS to talk, joke, laugh and eat the pizzas Dave bought us. ;)

During that time, I started talking to this guy named Sammah. I knew ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about him. And yet, by the time we were all leaving, he and I were twinsies and he had my number. Yeah. Smooth, right? I didn't even know I was flirting with him. I didn't even know he was into me until the next day when we had lunch and a movie with Zoie and I ASKED Zoie if she thought he liked me.

It all went uphill from there. And my gas tank got used to pumping out far too much gas on the weekends.

Simultaneously, there was this little thing called the CoFA Shoot going on in Atlanta. Now, I know very few of you have listened to my wheedling on Youtube, but you seriously need to go read City of Bones by Cassandra Clare. I love the series and the way Clare writes. I can't explain it, but no matter what I'm reading by her, I'm immediately sucked into it.

So. CoFA Shoot. CoFA = City of Fallen Angels, AKA the fourth and upcoming book in the Mortal Instrument series (City of Bones, City of Ashes, City of Glass). It all took place over one of the weekends I was up in Riverside. I had my phone tuned into anything and everything CoFA Shoot related. And, of course, by the end of the first day, I had found all the actors' twitters. (Well, all the ones that HAD twitter at that time.) The first one I found was on accident. I just saw Cassie talking to someone on twitter called TegantheTerror and I thought I'd check it out. Lo and behold, it was the girl playing Clary Fray. (For those who don't know, Clary is the main character.) I followed her immediately (on TWITTER, guys. Seriously, I'm not that creepy. Nor do I live on the east coast anymore.). Who could've predicted that Tegan would need assistants?

It was a couple weeks after the CoFA Shoot madness that I saw the tweet that changed my life. That sounds way too melodramatic, but I'm being totally honest here. Tegan posted that she wanted an assistant. I wanted to be that assistant. Like, you have NO idea how badly I wanted to be that assistant. She told us to email her if we were interested. I wrote the email on my phone, in Zoie's bed, at about 10 AM, immediately after waking up and reading all the tweets I'd missed while I'd been sleeping. I must have read and reworded that email at least sixteen times before Zoie and I were satisfied with it.

A week later, I got the response. I was in! I was one of nine girls Tegan 'hired' for the job of being her assistant. We dropped down to eight girls pretty quickly, but that was okay. It took maybe three hours to realize that almost every girl Tegan had gathered reminded me of best friends I have. Obviously, that was a pretty freakin' good sign.

We formed The Troupe of Terrors and began terrorizing in the name of Tegan and her awesomeness.

Before the Terrors, my parents would have to call me to get me on Skype. Now, I check in every day on my computer and sometimes on my phone. I don't wanna miss ANYTHING the Terrors put out there for discussion and we have SO many awesome projects going on! Tegan wrote a movie that they're starting production on in May; Liz, Lorena and I started up a secret Terror/Mortal Instruments project that will debut sometime in early April; we're all managing a Facebook fanpage and starting up a website for Tegan; we even have our own Youtube channel (called Terror TV, if you're interested) where we vlog to each other without schedule or expectation.

If all that wasn't enough, I've still got my day job. I usually work three days a week, nine hours in each day, and sometimes I take on extra days if Mandy has a job or if I need more money. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE those kids, but DAMN if they aren't tiring! Bear's beginning to talk, which means he's also getting one of those boy attitudes. He's entering that 'terrible 2s' stage, in other words. Not looking forward to it. Lily, however, is almost 4 and her moods are totally predictable. Hungry, tired or separated from her dbag dad for too long = temper tantrums over everything and nothing. This morning was actually a record for me. I had both Lily and Bear pissed off at me within an hour of being at work. Goal accomplished...?

I keep taking on side projects, too. Sigh. Not only am I editing my own stuff, I'm editing my classmates' work (for both classes, so about 10 other people) AND Tegan's work. Granted, I wholly enjoy reading Tegan's novel because it's so enrapturing. Problem is, I read it like a reader and not like a writer which means I have to go back through and reread a few times to find something to critique. And to think, I thought I was done with reading like a reader. I guess Lisa Shapiro (novel writing prof) still has some work to do on me. :P

I think that's...it. And no, I'm not going to detail the other side projects. They involve being a youtuber and dating a partnered youtuber. Among other things. Oh God, and I wanted to start up my personal channel again.

I think I'm gonna die. Remember me as I was: a Slytherin with a penchant for being a dick online and a good friend to have IRL when plots of revenge were afoot.

*dies*

Avoiding NaNoWriMo.

2010-11-12T18:59:00.001-08:00

Because I can't write anything inspired right now, I figure I may as well write some drabble that no one will read. :D

I might as well explain my novel, yeah? I mean, I'm spending a month writing the shit out of it (and researching as I go, which is a whole 'nother story), so I feel I should at least try and explain WHY I'm writing it.

First of all, it's been a while since I read Hunger Games and I honestly didn't have Suzanne Collins in mind when I began writing the story of Daphne the Epic Bitchy Main Character. Not that I think Katniss is a bitch. She's sort of clueless, actually. But Daphne Watercress is despicable because she's the exact opposite of clueless and she uses every bit of information she gathers to manipulate people and get her way.

I've never written a character I didn't like. Not even my villains or antagonists were all that bad in my head because I understood them psychologically. So writing Daphne is a really strange experience. There's literally nothing I like about her. Except her best friend, Walker. Poor, poor Walker. Everyone loves him. I made him universally lovable on purpose so that when his heart breaks, the reader's heart breaks, too. And when he gets nommed on by a snake, the reader's right there with him writhing in the dirt while Daphne does her best to suck out the poison and fails. And when he gets sad about leaving his family behind, the reader's sad, too, even though they don't ever meet his family in the story.

It's a tragedy, really. I really wish Walker could be the one to change Daphne, and in the end he sort of is. But it's actually Logan--fabulously flawed Logan--who makes her realize how terrible she is. He's the one that silently pushes her to apologize for the first time in her life. How does he push her? By being just as HORRID as she is. Once she gets stuck with someone so much like her, she finally sees how big a bitch she is. It takes her a long time, but it does eventually happen. And when she tries to make things right, it's too late. Because, let's be realistic. I hate realistic endings, though (but I can't help but adore Sarah Dessen - damn her), so I designed it to be a little more governmentally twisted and somewhat hopeful. Sort of just like Mockingjay.

I apologize to Suzanne Collins for accidentally stealing your claim on bittersweet hope. Sort of.

So, basically, I didn't tell you anything about my story. Here's the main story line:
It hasn't rained for 30 years and the citizens of America have been split up over the country into tribes.
Daphne's mom gets married to the future leader of the tribe which gets Daphne pissed.
Daphne plans to run away with Walker once she discovers there's a city nearby.
The two of them embark on a long ass walk through desert, mountain and national park to get to Sacramento.
Walker gets holed up in the hospital and Daphne ditches him to go be a charity case foster kid to some middle class family after meeting Logan.
Walker gets out of the hospital and stalks Daphne until she's forced to talk to him.
Logan overhears them talking and "invites" them back to his place where a cornucopia of secrets is revealed.
Some shit happens and Walker decides to go on his own back to the tribe. Daphne goes with him and she brings Aunt Eadie back, but leaves Walker there.
More shit happens.
Three years pass and the government falls.
Daphne breaks up with Logan and returns to her tribe to try and convince them to move to the city. They chase her out of the camp.
She conspires to kill her baby half brother, but when she goes into the camp to do it, she's thrown into 'jail' and finds Logan already tied up there.
Walker helps them escape, gathers up his family and goes back to the city with Daphne and Logan.
All is well. Sort of.

That's the HIGHLY WATERED DOWN version. Go read my posts on Nicole's wall if you want the whole shebang. But it's only a little more informative than what I just gave you.

I don't think that really answered the "why" part of "why I'm writing this novel."
1. It's a challenge to write a character I despise.
2. It's a challenge to have every bad thing happen to the only good character in the whole story.
3. It's NaNoWriMo and when you only have 30 days to write 50,000 words, you fuckin' write whatever comes your way.
4. This is completely different from anything else I've ever written and I appreciate how unique it is (despite Hunger Games).
5. To be straight to the point, Urinetown inspired me to research Malthus and he fascinated me, the crazy old coot.

So there it is. It's called The After, but I really want to find a better name. It'll be stand alone, of course. And The After really works, but it just sounds so boring. =/

Oh well. I'll figure out the title when I finish it.

Happy NaNoWriMoing! :)

Trying Poetry...Again.

2010-10-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

So, I don't read poetry, I don't write poetry, I don't really care about poetry. Ironically, the first piece I ever had published was a poem.

Something's been bothering me for over a month now and I couldn't figure out how to deal with it. Then, at 12:30 am yesterday, as I was trying to fall asleep in my boss's living room to the sound of a little boy crying, the first line of a poem popped into my head. (For the record, this poem is NOT about the crying little boy.) From there, everything else just fell into place in my head. I wrote it out as a prose poem last night before bed and revisited it today. I like it as prose poetry, but I liked it even better as poetry, so I broke it up, enjambed it to my liking, added concrete imagery and ended up with this:

Left Unsaid

Sometimes, I really
Can’t stand you.
Like when you relate everything
Back to sex.
Or how you never ask about
My opinions or thoughts.
My favorite position
On what issue?

Then I see you in person
And you’re attractive
With your ashy blonde hair and
Your whiter than eggshells smile.
You’ve got this scent,
Light as celery and
Prominent as peppermint.
You tease to make me laugh,
So I flirt
Because it’s easy.
I like to see you objectify me.
I like to twist you through my fingers
Until you can’t escape.
I like to think of you as my conquest.
Not yours.

You say I make you nervous,
That you can’t think straight around me.
You ask me
All the time
If I’ve forgotten you.
It’s how you start every
Conversation that ends pointlessly.
You say you really like me.
Which part of me?
You never said until
You got in my bed.

The immature part of me says
I should be happy
Because I won the
Battle of sexes.
The grown woman in me
Stays silent because
She feels nothing.
And neither do I.

No success or disappointment,
And no attachment to you.
Just emptiness and complete
Disinterest.
What goes left unsaid
Is why I bothered with you at all?
I have no answer.

As you can see, it needs some work. I got rid of the biggest cliches, but I've been trained to hunt down and eradicate every cliche in a piece of literature or poetry, so even things like the word "bothered" bothers me. And the ending stanza was a last minute addition that is VERY WEAK. Especially the last line. Gross.

Oh well. I'm gonna try and get my professors to help me with it (since I'm not in a poetry class where I could workshop it) and get it cleaned up in time to hand it into the Acorn Review (of which I'm an editor). I'd turn it in as is, but I'd rather have it down to minimal errors before the editing staff rips it to shreds in front of me. :P

Comments and constructive criticism is welcome! So is telling me I should stick to fiction writing - I know I'm no poet. :P

Finals Week?! Whaaaa?

2010-05-22T19:56:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how lacking in drive I am right now. Finals start next week and I'm seriously considering skipping my anthropology test.

I've always been a fairly inconsistent student, but when you add a hatred for the school, the fifteen minute drive it takes to get to the school and the idiocy of the professors there waiting for me, it makes it really hard for me to find the will to get out of bed or to even hop in my car and go to class.

I'll fail anthropology even if I don't go to the final, but I might as well go and try to get myself a high F. Guitar's gonna murder me since I'm terrible with strumming patterns and switching chords. Creative Writing is the only class I feel I'll pass with flying colors. I wasn't always in attendance, but I worked my ass off on the assignments and it paid off. I'm now published and soon to be published again.

This tells me what I should do next semester: Stick with the English program.

I'm going to start private guitar lessons this summer (hopefully, if it doesn't cost too much with the added bonus of paying rent), so taking a class in the fall would be a waste of time and money (even though I adore Benedetti). Anth I'll just take again with a better teacher. Might as well.

English, however, will fill my schedule (hopefully). I know I want to take Novel Writing and the editing class (Acorn Review). I need one (maybe two) more three unit classes to be made full time and still have a little leeway if I decide to drop a class.

I have all of summer to figure it out.

But first, I need to start studying for finals.

Horror Stories

2010-05-04T21:26:00.001-07:00

In grade school, there was this kid Eric. He was friends with everyone, but for some reason the popular kids thought he was awkward (when what’s really awkward is that the popular kids managed to be popular in a school with only 40 students). I don’t know where Eric is now, but I know he was in high school for 5 years. Anyway, I remember one year for English, we all had to write horror stories. Every story based on the students in class had a common theme: Eric’s death.
I wonder how he felt about that. I wonder if hearing his own death scene in ten different versions scarred him in an irreversible way. I wonder if I’m to blame for some of his bad childhood memories. I wonder if he even remembers that assignment.

New Leaves

2010-04-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

On the subject of Teresa, there are some bright, magnanimous memories, and there are also some really terrible ones. For a little over a year, she was my best friend. Lucy and I weren't the closest of friends junior year and we remedied a good portion of that senior year, but it was Teresa that I bonded most with. Coco was there, too, but Reesa and I were together more often and Coco was busy with her romantic interests.

It's kind of funny how it all worked out. Reesa always saved time for her friends when she was dating Nick. I wasn't the biggest fan of him (and he turned into a giant d-bag once they were really, officially over), but he wasn't the most interesting person, so it was easy for her to divide up her time between him and friends and family.

At my "good riddance" party the day before I left for my 5 day roadtrip across the continental US, Coco cried when she said goodbye to me. I only cried when I said goodbye to Teresa, even though she was going the same way 19 days after me.

That was when everything changed. I didn't even know what was happening until it was all over.

I made all sorts of new friends and new best friends, and I did my best to keep my old friends, too. Maybe I changed. I don't really know. Maybe I was just adapting. Maybe that's what Teresa did, too.

Looking through the old "love" book we used to write in, I could see that we had interesting and at least semi-thoughtful conversations. Sometimes it was just funny stuff, or random stuff, but most of the time, it was stuff that really mattered to us.

At some point during our first year in college, those conversations stopped. When I wanted or needed to say something that mattered, she had to talk about boys. Or sex. Or how what's-his-face said such and such to her and how that made her want to drop her pants.

When I got back to this coast during the summer, I found out how often she'd lied to me to keep me from hating her or being disappointed in her. And honestly, if she'd just been up front about it, I would've been angry, but at least I would still have had some respect for her character.

Coco, Nelle and I confronted her about her behavior last summer, too. She promised to be different, and with her boyfriend on the east coast, she was different. She was herself. Or, well, one version of herself. I can't pretend I don't know how people edit their social selves to keep it separate from their alone selves. But either way, she was back to "normal" and we were all pretty happy about it. But in the back of our minds we knew, the moment she went back there, she'd just fall back into that new persona and probably get worse.

We were right.

At first, I only got a few texts from her, sometimes of pictures of her and Ty, or her new haircut, and the like. Then there was nothing. For about five months, there was complete silence. One day, I got a text from her saying she had a box in my grandparents' storage and could I please be her owl and let my grandparents know she wanted it back. I gave her my grandparents' number and told her to figure it out herself. After that, I didn't hear anything else from her until the day I announced on facebook that I was going back to PA for spring break. We talked a little about it, she brought up the storage thing again ('cause she just never got around to doing anything about it), and that was the end of it.

I was shocked, therefore, when I looked on facebook yesterday and discovered that she'd tagged me in a note titled "This is probably wayyy long overdue..." She addressed about 8 of us directly, and in the letter to me she said she knew what I thought had happened to our friendship.

It's not exactly hard to figure out. She dropped her dignity with her pants and I didn't bother to keep in contact. I would've just heard the same sex stories over and over again. Why bother?

Apparently, though, she's turning over a new leaf. Again.

I still love her, even if I have to think back to all the good times we had senior year to acknowledge it, but I can't help but wonder: How long will it last THIS time...?

Grass Is Greener

2010-04-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

Wrote this the Wednesday night of my departure from Etown and it's taken this long for Blogger to stop being a giant bag of douche:

I cried again when I left. It was harder than the first time when I still held the belief that I would be back in just a few short months. It was so much harder to say goodbye while thinking of how I had no idea if I could ever come back. I don’t just mean for a visit, either. Visits just aren’t good enough. They aren’t good enough for me and they aren’t good enough for these people I’ve grown to call my “other family.” It feels wrong to just visit them. Like I’m just teasing. Like I’m not serious about it. Like I don’t think, at least once a day, how much I would do anything to go back and stay.
I wish I was exaggerating. I wish it wasn’t a constant longing. I wish I didn’t have to wake up every morning and realize that I’m in a bedroom, alone, in my parents’ house on the other side of the country from the room I should be in. The room that I shared with Elisabeth, that served as my home for a year, that contained so many memories and so much love and laughter. That is the room I should be in when I wake up every day. But it’s not.
And what’s holding me back? What on earth could keep me from the one place where I really, truly belong? It’s the same thing we all hear in news on a daily basis. If only we all had a little more money, everything would be better.
“The love of money is the root of all evil.” I’ve known this since I was old enough to sit and pay attention in Sunday school. I won’t lie, I love money. I love having it. Having money means freedom. I can buy whatever I want, go wherever I want, see whatever I want. Absolute freedom. Freedom comes with a cost, and it’s the everyday currency. It’s not lives or wars or peace treaties. When it all comes down to it, it’s money. Money, money, money. And let me tell you, if I had $50,000, there’s only one place I would be.
People ask me all the time how I ended up there. How could a girl, born and raised in San Diego, California, a city girl, choose to live in a place that is literally in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by dairy farms and the occasional McDonalds? When people ask me this it’s because they don’t get it. I mean, they ask me because they think it’s ridiculous. San Diego has near-perfect climate, four beaches within a thirty-mile radius, beautiful scenery and sunshine 52 weeks of the year. They honestly don’t get it.
They don’t get that San Diego is always the same. That the people are always the same, narrow-minded, judgmental people. That the streets are always the same. That the idiots are always the same. Don’t they get it? Don’t they understand what it’s like to be bored? Don’t they understand that the novelty of going to the same places and seeing all the same faces and driving all the same streets all the time wears off and becomes…boring? They may think cow towns are boring, but I have to disagree. Sure, you may have to drive a little further to find a mall or a good restaurant or a Wawa, but adventures happen on the way there. Yeah, you might get snowed in once or twice a year, but who doesn’t enjoy a little time off from studying to go play in the snow?
My point is, people may think San Diego is exciting, but I think having different adventures every day, on the road, in the dorms, around the town…all that is way more exciting. It requires imagination, patience and good humor. It requires people who are all vastly different, yet all equally good.
So is it really a ridiculous concept? Do you really need to ask me why I’m so desperate to come back?
I think the answer is fairly obvious. I suppose the grass may look greener on the other side, but, honey, I’ve been on both sides of the fence and I can tell you for certain that the grass is greener in Elizabethtown.

On Boobs and Why I Generally Hate Them

2010-02-16T00:36:00.001-08:00

Okay, this has been bothering me for HOURS now, and I know I won't be able to sleep until I vent about it. I don't wanna do it over text, either, 'cause that'll take too effing long.

I'm going to touch on a couple different things here. I may have already ranted about the first one, but I don't care at the moment. I'm gonna do it again.

Listen up, boys. When I tell you I think your eyes are pretty, you don't fucking tell me my rack is pretty. You're talking about the bags of fat and glands I've had to carry around for eight years. I had to start wearing bras every day - uncomfortable bras. I had to wear sports bras whenever I was playing sports (which, for the record, I played year round starting in 8th grade, and from 3rd-7th grade I played during the school year). When I got into high school, I had to wear TWO sports bras when I played volleyball 'cause otherwise they'd get caught in the net if I got too close. These are the things that ache like migraines once a month. These are the things I've spent most of my life covering up because I don't like to look like a hooker. So don't fucking compliment my boobs.

And the last thing: If you're bitter about me moving on, you don't tell my BOSS you think I'm a slut who shows off her boobs too much. Um, excuse me? What the hell even prompted this? Especially since we happened to be in the same room as an exotic dancer with a boob job and low-cut shirt? For your information, I was wearing two shirts, one tank top and one v-neck shirt over it...TO AVOID SHOWING TOO MUCH CLEAVAGE. And the last time you saw me? Um, yeah, a spaghetti strap shirt underneath a purple boat neck top with minimal cleavage showing. The time before that? A long-sleeve shirt. Tonight? I Threadless shirt that went all the way up to my neck.

Don't go talking shit to my boss because you're sad the college girl you made out with once is no longer looking for a rebound and thinks you're creepy as hell. Go get a nose reduction, cretin.

English 126 - Creative Nonfiction Assignment

2010-02-15T23:03:00.000-08:00

(Note: This was written for my creative writing class. It is entirely true and not exaggerated. I ask that you don't judge me or my friend for what happened, but feel free to judge the only boy mentioned in this piece.)

It was late in an early sort of way. Late because I was fully conscious of the time I had to be awake for work in the morning, early because I didn't really want the night to end.

I can't really remember if the TV was on--not that we exactly needed it; we were each others sources of entertainment for the night. And what a night it was. It was almost like a regular, every day sleepover, the kinds we had the last time when we were all splitting up. I guess it was a sad imitation of those times. We weren't just saying temporary goodbyes. Teresa wouldn't be back on this coast anytime soon.

Still, it was nice to pretend there was nothing to worry about and no one to say goodbye to. I think, maybe, the worst part was knowing I wanted to go in Teresa's place. I wanted to go back there and live the rest of my college years in that tiny little cow town that every so often filled with the scent of freshly made chocolate and M&Ms. She was going back and I...I was stuck here for God only knows how long.

It wasn't all bad. She was just one friend out of many. I still had Coco, Jenelle, Angela, Matt...

Matt.

Glancing at Coco I realized I wasn't the only one trying to hide away some deeper part of myself for the sake of making this party a happy last memory of San Diego for Teresa. She had just been dumped by her first true love. And me? Well, things weren't going so well on that battlefield for me either.

Coco was diligently writing in my physics notebook, responding to a letter I had composed to her weeks before while bored at work. Her face was strangely blank but I didn't really think about it at the moment because Teresa had disappeared with Angela to talk about the stuff they always wanted to talk about: boys and sex. Used to this, Jenelle and I made the most of their absence and talked about some mundane topic that I can't quite recall. Coco was between us, fully focused on the task at hand. Finally, she handed it to me.

I read through the first two paragraphs and looked up at her laughing. I was cut short by the haunted glaze of her eyes, so I kept on reading.

'As your best friend I have to tell you something. You might be mad at me for it but you deserve to know anyway... Matt and I screwed around.'

She went on from there to explain that it had made her feel terrible and that it shouldn't have happened. The entire time I was reading, she had this expression of abject fear--the kind of fear that makes you want to cry.

It's hard to explain why I did what I did. All I knew was that some guy that I had wasted three years of my life on had stabbed me in the back, twisted the knife, and walked away without a guilty conscience. In his wake, he left two girls--best friends--who didn't even know the basics of how to deal with the stupidity of young men.

Not a single tear escaped me as I reached over to her and pulled her into the tightest hug I could manage.

Novel Writing Assignment

2010-02-10T01:26:00.000-08:00

So, I was told I needed to find images of what my characters look like ideally. Instead of posting them all in this, I'll just put a link to my twitpic account so you can see them yourself. :)

http://twitpic.com/photos/slytherinchick

It took me FOREVER to find Marid. I went through about 20 pages of Middle Eastern young adult males on Getty images, narrowed it down to multiracial males, and eventually found my Marid. I seriously sat here in my computer chair with my mouth open in awe for a full minute when I found him. He's not completely perfect, though. For example, I describe him as having "dark eyes," and I always envisioned him a little more masculine in the jaw and lips, but...I saw this collection of photos with this Middle Eastern man and I realized I'd been going the wrong direction. Alexa describes him as "beautiful" and that's what comes to mind when I look at this picture. So all I need to do is photoshop his eyes to make them dark brown and he's absolutely perfect. :D

The others were a bit easier to find. I kind of realized I wanted Megan Fox to 'play' Aeris after Alexa asks if Megan Fox is Aeris' mirror in the Regular world. At first I had Angelina Jolie's name in there, but then I remembered that Angelina doesn't have blue eyes or wavy dark brown hair. Guess who does? :P

For Jon, all I knew was that he had to be classically handsome, muscular, blonde, blue-eyed, and a little arrogant looking. Who better than Chris Pine as Captain Kirk? He fits the bill perfectly.

Finding Alexa was harder. She's honestly the most average girl you can think of. Average height, medium-length brunette hair (stick straight), average build (though slightly muscular in the shoulders from years of softball), brown eyes, average size lips, average size nose, average size forehead...you get the idea. She's just average. Finding an average famous person is the hardest feat in the world, so I tried two outlets to finding my Alexa. I Google searched 'average brunette young adult female' and came up with nothing, so I checked all my other picture folders that I keep 'characters' in and found Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl fame. I personally think Leighton is gorgeous, so she's a little too pretty to be Alexa, but I found a couple pictures where she's got on casual clothes and very little makeup and those seemed to work out.
My second route to finding Alexa was using Getty again. I found the photographer who did Marid's pictures and I just skimmed through a couple pages of her photos until I found a picture of a very average (yet still attractive) young woman. She's not ugly, she's not breathtakingly gorgeous, she's just...average.

I still haven't decided if I've found the perfect Alexa yet. She's the only one I didn't have a "That's the one!" moment for, so...she's still up in the air. I'll be sure to keep you updated on my hunt, though. :)

Confessions, Questions

2010-01-23T23:36:00.000-08:00

Oh, boy, here we go.

Confession time.

1. I said I was going to watch every season of Pokemon ever made on this awesome website shown to me by @3sixty5days...but I never even went back to the website after I bookmarked it initially.

2. I said I was gonna try playing WoW. Instead, I played MapleStory. Once.

3. I needed to have my ten page paper done by 5 PM last Friday. It still only has two sentences written and it's almost Sunday.

4. I wanted to hang out with Lucy before she left for school, but everything got so hectic while my cousin was here that I ran out of opportunities.

5. I ate McDonald's three times in a row for breakfast last week, spending a grand total of $12.40 that I will never get back...and probably adding on ten pounds that will take a year off my life.

6. Instead of editing, I've been writing scenes for the sequel. 10,000 words worth of scenes.

The point of this is that I'm TERRIBLE at setting goals and achieving them. Seriously. How have I made it almost 20 years? How did I graduate high school? How am I actually not on academic probation in college?

It's gotten to the point where I'm legitimately worried for myself. What am I doing with my life right now? I'm focusing on stupid boys and how to throw the perfect birthday party and how to spend my summer in bliss. I should be focusing on school and work and my friends.

I need to seriously rethink my life and what I want to do with it, 'cause right now I have no idea. I don't know what I want to do after school. I don't even know where I want to go after I'm done at Grossmont. Ideally, I'd love to get my Associates, go back to Etown, graduate with a 3.5, write a best-selling novel, fall in love, and be the next JK Rowling. Realistically, I never had the money to go to Etown, even when I was there, and I'm riding a 2.6 GPA that will be incredibly hard to bring up, and with my dismal writing skills and lack of ambition to actually edit the one piece of work I somewhat like and am proud of, I'll never get that best-seller or be as rich as the queen of England. Not to mention that every boy I know now is either not my type, too stupid to be in nerdfighterlike with me, or a smoker.

So, here are the questions I need to answer:

1. What do you do with a BA in English?
2. What is my life going to be?
3. Four years of college, and plenty of knowledge...ahem. Sorry. Continue to number four.
4. How much would I need to save to go back to PA?
5. Can I afford to rent and/or pay for PA State tuition?
6. How much effort can I put into my novel while going to school and working? Is it worth it?
7. Do I really want to focus on music as well as English, or should I just stick to English after this semester?
8. Am I just going to sit back and let them come to me, or do I give chase? How do I know if it's right?

I know I act like I don't care about these things a lot, but in reality I'm always thinking about them. I don't usually like to explain this kind of stuff verbally, and since most of my more personal interactions are done in person, I just don't talk about it. I don't want to say it wrong or hear a long-winded speech about it. I don't want people to make a fuss about it. I'm doing enough fussing of my own.

I'm always open to advice or discussions on this stuff...so long as it's written down. I do need help. I do. Just don't make a big deal out of it if you do want to help me. I'm not freaking out on the outside, so you shouldn't either.

And for the record, I'm not anxious about it all. I've got a lot of time to figure it all out. I'm way too laid back to get nail-biting nervous about stuff that will happen in the next couple years. So, no worries there. :P

sffhdkdsh;jkhg School

2010-01-17T22:40:00.001-08:00

How did the spring semester sneak up on me like this?

I mean, really, you'd think I'd have seen this coming.

But, no. Not me. I've just been lolligagging around, wasting time and IQ points.

Why am I freaking out?

Let me tell you why.

I have a ten page paper due by 5 PM Friday. THIS Friday.

Ask me if I've started it. Go on. Ask me.

"Have you started it yet, Karaline?"

The answer: a resounding...

Yes.

I started it.

And by start, I mean...

I've written two sentences of the intro and done a little research.

GAH!

I think I'm taking a sick day tomorrow so I can sit at home, be miserable, and write a bunch of shit about Tchaikovsky. Wish me luck!

White Collar

2010-01-09T19:29:00.000-08:00

I don't watch TV. I really don't. But every so often, something catches my eye, whether it's an interesting story line or an attractive main character. But I'm totally hooked when it's got both those things.

Let me tell you, White Collar has both those things. For starters, Matt Bomer is freakin' gorgeous. Plus, he plays a badass con artist with a penchant for high rolling and women. All good things if it's put into the right story. I don't know who wrote White Collar, but they definitely put him into the right story. It's not your typical crime drama with strangely murdered people or twenty-six rape victims. It's high fashion crimes (forgery, tax fraud, etc.) solved by an FBI agent and a con artist he chased for most of his career. Add a subplot romance between the con artist and his missing girlfriend, and you've got one hell of a show.

The finale probably aired weeks ago, but I sort of forgot about the show until Nicole randomly texted me about looking at Matt Bomer and his gorgeousness. I knew the name sounded familiar and as I typed it into Google, I realized who he was. The pictures that popped up seconds later only confirmed my realization.

I finally watched the finale on Hulu (thank God for Hulu) just a few minutes ago, and the ending absolutely blew my mind. For the entire episode, you think this guy (who isn't really an FBI agent) has Neil's (Matt Bomer) girlfriend and that the entire set up for the episode is Neil finally getting down to the bottom of who kidnapped Kate (his girlfriend). He DOES find out who kidnapped Kate, but it's not who anyone expected it to be. Seriously blew. My. Mind. I couldn't believe it. The only reason I'm writing all this is because I'm still in shock and I had to tell someone.

So, there you go. A blurb on one of the few TV shows I actually watch. You should watch it if you don't already. It's really well done, very creative, hilarious, and all-around awesome. Besides, there's a really attractive man in it. You can't say no to that.

Unless you're a straight dude. But there are attractive women in the show as well.

Go watch it. Now. Hulu won't help you much, 'cause they only have the season finale up. I would suggest YouTube or iTunes. :)

On Being a Part-Time Mom and Aspiring Novelist

2010-01-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

So, I finished my first week of work. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It's a crash course in parenthood. It's totally worth it.

I'm so glad I wasn't that girl in high school. You know the one. The one who got into adult life too soon and ended up knocked up her junior or senior year of high school with a baby daddy that didn't want anything to do with raising a kid. I honestly can't imagine how girls handle that at 16/17/18. Even now, when I'm almost 20, I can't imagine having my own child. I don't think people really understand what it means to be a parent. It means constant attention, sleepless nights, letting some things go all to hell, spending more money than you have, getting stressed out, wanting to just give up and knowing you can't, dealing with the constant worry of injuries or death. It's a LOT to handle. I only have to deal with these two kids from 8-5 every weekday. I don't think I could go a full 24 hours with them. I certainly couldn't handle twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week with them.

In short, I'm just really glad I wasn't that girl and that I've never had a pregnancy scare. I'm glad I'm beating teen pregnancy in a couple weeks. I'm glad I get to experience what it's like to deal with a fussy eight month old and a two year old who needs constant attention at the same time. I'm learning what it's like to be a part-time mom. I'm learning that just picking up the eight month old and carrying him around to all the windows will calm him down. I'm learning that if the two year old doesn't respond when I say things nicely, I have to add a little steel and authority and then she'll listen. I'm learning that, in order to get a two-year-old to take a nap, I need to bargain with her.

But that's enough about nanny duty. Let's move on to writing. You know, that thing I used to do before December started?

I edited the first 20-something pages of my NaNoWriMo novel right after November ended. Then I set it aside for most of December and just picked it up again a couple days ago. I now have the first 30 pages covered in red and black ink and bright yellow post-it notes. I discovered that I absolutely HATED a scene. Isn't that weird? When I wrote it, I thought it was awesome. And now, two months later, I'm thinking, "Why does this even exist? I realize it's important to the plot, but it's choppy, corny, not spontaneous enough, and way too dialogue-y." The problem was, I couldn't just ax the scene. It IS important to the plot because it sets up the main romance of the novel and gives more background information on another main character. Also, it shows the MAIN main character interacting with male friends that she has no romantic interest in, which is EXTREMELY important (though the average reader might not pick up on it). So, instead of actually editing the two and a half pages of slop, I wrote myself a note saying:
'Some of this section I really like, and some of it I really don't. Keep the general chain of events, but add more chemistry, detail, characterization and movement/plot.'
Basically, I cheated. When I go through and type up the edited draft, I'll have to rewrite the entire section with just that memo to myself to help me.

It's not like I'm being lazy. (You can call me on this. I totally am being lazy.) I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately and that affects my editing skills as well. How am I supposed to write something better when I can't seem to write anything at all?

But I do need to hurry this editing business up. I can still get my novel bound and shipped to me for free until June, but I want it to be the second draft so I'm not embarrassed to show it around. Besides, Jenelle's still working on the cover art, so I've got time to do the editing stuff.

All that said, I think I'm going to try and edit 30 pages a month from now on. So...

January: Up to page 60 should be edited
February: Up to page 90
March: Up to page 120
April: All 137 pages
May: Entire novel reviewed and revised
June: Send manuscript to CreateSpace

That's my rough time line. Knowing my work/sleep schedule, though, I'll probably be behind and will have to use May for finishing up the editing. Which will suck, but I'm gonna do it.

And now, I'm going to print pages 31-60, attach them to my clipboard, and immediately abandon them to play Sims. :)

New Year's Resolution? What's That?

2010-01-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

I think I've only done resolutions for the last few years, but I can never actually remember them after a few months. I figured there was only one sure fire way to avoid forgetting mine this year: Make it practical and blog about it.

I've decided that this year, I'm going to be a better friend. I recently had my mostly-friendless childhood brought up and I realized just how much I cherish all my friends, whether we just talk on facebook or every day in person. So, I figured I should give back to them this year (and, hopefully, every year after this one) and be the best friend I can be. Come to me with your problems, your good news, your bad news, and even your pointless rants. I'll listen. :)

Happy New Year, everyone!

This Blog Comes in Three Parts

2009-12-28T01:36:00.000-08:00

...Where do I start?

So much stuff has happened in the last few days that I can't even keep up anymore.

I guess I'll start with the most complicated part. It has to do with the boy. I only say complicated because I don't even know what I'm feeling at the moment. It's always like that for me, though. When I'm with the boy I've got my attention on, there's really only one thing I want, and then when I'm away and able to think rationally...it's all different.

Not making much sense, am I?

Alex basically told me the same thing Matt did once upon a time. But my response was vastly different this time around. And I'm happy I stuck to my guns and all, but now I'm back where I started. I realize I'm barely out of my teens and that I've got years and years to find that fairytale romance I've been dreaming of since I was, like, two months old, but...sometimes I want it to be NOW. Alex is awesome and absolutely perfect for me...except for his whole religion thing. That's a big part of why I'm so confused right now. He actually said, without shame, that he couldn't date a girl who was part of organized religion. I'm sorry, but WHAT? I realize the Jehovah's Witnesses really screwed up your vision of religion but that doesn't mean you should rule out every girl with a good set of morals and standards. I mean REALLY. And you said the Witnesses focused on tearing down other religions...but I bet they didn't talk about how wonderful and familial we are, either. Or how you don't have to be perfect all the time, or scared of God's wrath and the apocalypse every second of the day. Religion shouldn't be a scare tactic. It should be the island in the middle of an overwhelming ocean - a safe haven.

Apparently because I believe that, I've never got a shot with him. And you know what? Once I got home and was able to really think about that, I realized that he isn't as perfect as I thought he was. I'd romanticized him (and it's hard not to when he willingly danced and kissed in the rain with me) into something he wasn't. I'm starting to see that now. I don't want to turn him into a bad guy in my mind or anything, but I do need to strip him of his 'god-like' qualities so I can get over it and move on.

And that means I need to have another heart-to-heart with him to let him know that we are strictly friends from now on and nothing else. Nothing casual between us whatsoever. I'm better than that and I deserve more. I deserve a guy who can actually look me in the eye and say, "Yeah, a relationship sounds fine to me. Oh, you're a Christian? That's awesome!"

So, there you go. That's part one.

Part two is Christmas/New Years. Good Lord. I wasn't sure what to expect on Christmas. I didn't ask for much (or anything, really). All I really wanted was my guitar, and I got that a month ago. Aside from that, all I really wanted was a ticket to VidCon and books.

I got so much more and it was all equally amazing. Even now in a state of extreme financial difficulty, my family members managed to get me things I didn't even know I wanted until I had them. I was honestly and pleasantly surprised on Christmas day. :) I really do cherish my family. Yeah, I miss all those crazy wonderful folks out on the east coast, but I don't know what I'd do without my west coast family. I love how they all get me. I love that no matter what, I'll always fit in with my family.

Oh, and I DID get the ticket to VidCon. My cousin got me the full community pass and a ticket to the brunch in the middle of the convention. Zoie, Erin and I are sharing a hotel room near the Hyatt, but we need one more person to stay in our room so that we can all pay about $40-$60 for the entire hotel stay. Luckily, we've got a few months to find a fourth person...and the money for the hotel. :P

Now, New Years. My parents want me to go to the party at the Mildebrandts' (where I will get maybe a sip of alcohol), and Jenelle wants me to go to the party at Jenga's (where I will probably have one or two slightly-alcohol drinks)(gee, I'm exciting at parties). I really wanna go to Jenga's apartment. It's awesome there and it's really close to home. Plus, Nelle and I have agreed that at midnight, since neither of us have been kissed at midnight (and since both the boys we've been messing around with would never want to kiss us in front of other people), we're going to kiss at midnight. xD It'll be PERFECT. Though, I'm not sure how well it'll go. I'll probably chicken out at the last second, haha. I guess we'll see. If I can go to Jenga's party. *crosses fingers*

It's 2 AM and I have to be up by 10 at the latest, so I'm heading to bed. Good night, sweet dreams, and I'll write again soon.

You Know What's Coming

2009-12-19T15:36:00.001-08:00

I keep blogging about Alex, and I'm sorry, but he's sort of become a constant in my life now. Him and Jenelle are pretty much the people I see the most on a regular basis. Now that Coco's back in town, though, I'll be seeing her a lot more often, too. :D

If you follow my twitter, you know the basics of what went on last night. It was probably the funniest/scariest conversation of my life. I realize some girls get away with it all the time and no one thinks twice about it, but I'm not one of those girls. I'm not the type to say, "Hey, let's run away together and get married and have fifty kids." But, my goodness, last night was incredible. I don't even remember how Jenelle and I got on the topic, but somehow we figured that if one of us had a kid, we could live together in a studio apartment (aptly named the Emerald City because everything we own will be green) on welfare, raising a baby as unlesbian lesbian mothers of an eyeless child (don't ask). This somehow turned into me sending Alex a text saying, "Okay Alex, it's time for us to make a child. Don't worry, Nelle and I will raise it on our own. We just want to raise a kid on welfare in the Emerald City."

Now, if you follow me on twitter, needless to say, Alex was all for this plan (which was surprising, 'cause if I was a dude and got that text, I'd be like, "Uh...see ya!"). I was definitely blushing a LOT whenever I got his responses to my ridiculous texts. But anyway, at the end of it, we decided we need to practice making a child before we actually make one because I have to be twenty before I get pregnant (gotta beat teen pregnancy, you know).

In short, Alex confirmed for me, in a roundabout way, that he wants to do me.

Which is awesome and all, but I doubt it's gonna happen any time soon because I'm still a firm believer in love before sex. So if he happens to fall desperately in love with me before January 30th, he's out of luck. :P

Also, and this is the most important thing, I want to be his girlfriend before anything like child-making happens. Well, being married before making a child would be preferable. But I want to be his girlfriend if he, um, wants to 'practice,' as he put it.

I'm not making myself sound very pure right now.

My intentions are good, I promise. I've got standards. I've got class, even. If he wants to do anything more than kiss me in the rain, he's gotta commit.

There we go. That's what I've been trying to say this entire time.

And I kinda sorta told him that. I told him he at least had to buy me dinner before we get around to baby making. And by that I meant, "You have to date me and be my boyfriend and fall in love with me first." :)

Anyway, Jenelle and Alex and I went midnight bowling after this fantastic conversation. Alex beat us the first game, and then I stepped it up and kicked them both to the curb in the second game. Alex said he was thirsty, so, inevitably, we ended up at Denny's at two in the morning eating seasoned fries. And apparently whenever I wasn't paying attention or in the bathroom, Jenelle and Alex were having interesting conversations about my butt. Jenelle filled me in on this afterward, of course. I was slightly disturbed. But that's okay. :P

Nelle and I had an impromptu sleepover last night, too. I immediately injured my lower back as soon as we got home from Denny's and she gave me a two hour massage. It was WONDERFUL. And we talked about everything. No shame, no embarrassment. Everything was out there. I've never been able to do that with a best friend before. Maybe it's just something about Jenelle that makes me open up more than I normally would. :)

Feeling Ridiculous

2009-12-17T22:10:00.000-08:00

Seriously, these butterflies in my stomach come at the WEIRDEST times. When Alex first appeared on stage, but not when he was kneeling in front of me (back turned to me, so I got a great view of his ass) for an improv game. When he took one of my suggestions, but not when he hugged me after the show. When he met my sister, but not when I asked him to hang out with us after clean-up and goodbyes.

SO. WEIRD.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining. Some girls get super nervous all the time. I used to be like that around him. His name on my cell phone screen used to be enough to send me into cardiac arrest. Now it feels more natural. Maybe that's a good thing. The more natural I feel around him, the better off we'll be in the long run...if we become a 'we.'

You know what? I take it back. It's not weird. It's a blessing. :)

I'm Covered in Marker.

2009-12-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

Last night was amazing. I finally got to see that Alex can be an ass. And you know what's weird? It made me like him more. 'Cause he's not perfect and he doesn't try to be. It's not like he was being serious, though. I do the same thing with Jenelle. I'll be mean to her and immediately apologize for it.

What else is weird is that I had this overwhelming desire to just pull him aside and hug him. All. Night. I don't mean hug him all night, I mean the desire was there all night. Anyway, it was ridiculous. He was just really cute. He always is. Even when he's being an ass, because he can't quite pull it off :P

I think the next time I see him will be Thursday. He's getting me into the NCT show for free. :))) He's reffing and Jason's gonna be the voice. I'm waaaaay excited. The two of them working together to control the show will be HILARIOUS.

I'm just feeling very happy and positive right now. :) Tomorrow I've got my sociology final (which should be a breeze because I love sociology and I remember a LOT of the earlier stuff), and on Thursday I've got guitar. I still don't know how to play the Bob Marley song, but Bekah and I are getting together tomorrow to practice. :)

OH, and I saw Lucy yesterday for the first time in MONTHS! I've missed her. :( I feel terrible because all the people back in Etown are the people I've been missing like crazy since May, and I've been missing Lucy since the summer, and she's been maybe fifteen minutes from me the entire time. I've decided to put a LOT more effort into seeing her before she leaves for Vanguard. The era of me being a crappy best friend is over. :)

That One Rain Post...

2009-12-13T22:05:00.001-08:00

I feel I should explain, because unless you've heard the entirety of the song (which is no one besides Jenelle), you have NO CLUE what happened in my last blog.

After I blogged about writing that song about the rain, I wrote more lyrics and recorded a rough demo of what I want it to sound like. Here are the lyrics for your viewing pleasure, and as soon as I have a voice, I'll be recording the song, so you can hear it, too. :)

Tell me, can you feel it?
Drawing us closer, bit by bit
This could be worth everything
Babe, you know this could be something

Tell me, can you see it?
My hand in yours, a perfect fit
It may be raining outside
But when I look in your eyes, all I see is blue sky

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

I don't care that it's cold
So long as onto me you'll hold
As we dance through puddles
And this feeling inside me bubbles

It may be raining outside
But when I look in your eyes, all I see is blue sky

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

Soaked to the bone and loving it
Your arms keep me warm like a fire that's lit
I can't feel anything
When I'm with you
But light and joy and peace and, yeah, love too

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

:)))

Rainy Day Mondays

2009-12-13T02:27:00.001-08:00

I can hardly believe this is real right now. I really can't. I don't think I've felt so unsure and exhilarated in my life. It's a funny thing to be unsure. On one hand, it's scary because you don't know where you are or what's going to happen, but on the other, it's an adventure that might lead to someplace I never even dreamed of.

Tonight, I did two things that I've always wanted to do. In fact, I just wrote a song about it less than a week ago. It all came true. Every last bit of it. We were drawn to each other bit by bit, my hands in his were a perfect fit, we danced in the rain, we kissed under thunderheads, we held onto each other and didn't care that it was cold, we definitely danced through a few puddles, we were more than soaked to the bone and loving it, and his arms did keep me warm.

It all came true and it was all more than perfect. It was nerdy, it was funny, it was full of tickling and laughter, and it was just...everything I wanted it to be.

Dancing in the rain is romanticized for a reason, folks. I suggest you drag the boy/girl you like outside right now and just go for it. You'll never have more fun in your life. :)

HEY, TWATWAFFLE.

2009-12-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

I seriously can't handle any more stupid boys! Am I some sort of magnet for them? I swear to God, nearly every boy I EVER have any romantic interest in turns out to be idiotic, asshole-ish, clingy, and obnoxious.

I can't stand it anymore. I'm done fucking around with this stuff.

No, Matt, I don't want to fucking "chat sometime" with you on facebook and I DON'T want you following me on Twitter! There's a GODDAMN REASON I removed you from my friends list and my followers list!

GET THE FUCKING HINT.

You fucked up, now grow some balls and DEAL WITH IT. I'm DONE.

Rain

2009-12-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

Sleep-deprived Karaline is a creatively inspired Karaline. I finished editing my vlog for today and while it uploaded to YouTube, I decided to catch up on sleep (I only got an hour or so last night). Only, when I tried to fall asleep, I was listening to the rain hitting my window, and I was sorta channeling Hey Monday (because I'd just been listening to them), and I ended up coming up with a really spectacular chorus for a song. I wrote down the words I came up with, but I didn't have enough of a voice to record the melody that I had...and now I can't remember what the melody was. :(

I wanna go dancin' in the rain with you
Kiss you under thunderheads so blue
Let the lightning strike us to our cores
As soon as my hands touch yours

It's cute and passionate and I know the melody was freakin' awesome. As soon as I have a voice, I'm recording it and writing a song around it. I'll think of the melody eventually. :)

Why I Hate Groups

2009-12-07T04:13:00.001-08:00

I am not what one would call a 'hard worker' when it comes to school. However, I am fairly organized and slightly OCD and a fair writer (I hope). That means, when the inevitable group project comes up, I'm always the one that ends up working my ass off to make a presentation, write the synopsis paper, and keep everyone organized.

This time, I'm sick. I can't stay up all night trying to make everything perfect for this presentation. I need SLEEP. I need cooperation. I need people to send me their goddamn information for the paper. Am I getting any of this? NO.

And that it why I hate groups.

*bows* *goes back to bullshitting the synopsis paper*

Christmas Song + Deadlines = Oh Noes!

2009-12-04T02:17:00.000-08:00

Was just recently informed that I have a little over a week to write a holiday-themed song. If you know me, then you also know that this may just kill me.

I wrote my very first song a while back (maybe a month or so ago) and it took a week to get lyrics and a melody. I am STILL trying to figure out the guitar part and it's been WEEKS (although, I think I came up with something the other day that will entail lots of practice over winter break).

Since I usually am more creatively productive while I'm writing on here, I figured I'd give the lyrics a shot and work with what I get.

I want it to be about Nerdfighters at Christmastime...so, here goes...

Sitting by the empty fireplace
All Caps CD still in its case
It's December again, you see
Like every year, I'm lonely
No one to be in nerdfighterlike with
That doesn't matter when I see my gift

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But lemme tell you,
There's nothing better than
A Nerdfighter Christmas

Popcorn reading of Paper Towns
Discussing politics of Watership Downs
Chewbacca hanging from my tree
The troll atop is a mystery
And with all of this
Comes loads of nerdy bliss

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But lemme tell you,
There's nothing better than
A Nerdfighter Christmas

I'll never be alone again
Not when I've got the internet
YouTube let's me see all my friends
And those I stalk (though they don't know it yet)
I can visit Pennsylvania
And still be in California

This is my Nerdfighter Christmas song
To let you know I've missed you all along
In reality, this was a challenge
I'll instead turn it into a pledge
With love to ya'll I say:
I'll never FTBA!

You might think it's weird
You might think it's strange
But for Nerdfighters at Christmas
It's just another day.

Rrrrraaaaawwwwrrrr

2009-12-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

I'm going to take a minute to go on a grammar rant. It's been building up inside me this entire week and I'm about to explode if I don't say something about it.

To prologue this story, I was told that one of my OneMadlibSummer cohorts had left a controversial comment on a Miley Cyrus video and I foolishly sifted through three pages of comments to find it. I gave up after a while because of one commenter.

Now, I've learned my lesson about YouTube comments and trending topics on twitter (usually, the trending topic is the only thing spelled correctly)(although, I did see one called 'youknowyouruglywhen', to which I replied, "My ugly did WHAT?"). I avoid comments at all costs because it just makes me sad. Truth be told, I recanted my idea of becoming an English teacher because I knew I would have to deal with mostly illiterate teenagers and I knew I couldn't handle that. I would seriously throw a fit. Like this:
"Here, Miss Stamper, here's my paper."
"You dumbass, the period goes at the end of the sentence."
"There isn't a period there."
"I know. You need one."
"But that isn't the end of the sentence."
"It should be. Learn your grammar rules."
"You're still teaching them to us."
"Yeah? Well, I learned proper grammar when I was in second grade. BE ASHAMED."
"*cries*"

I digress.

As I was saying, there was one commenter on this Miley Cyrus video (Party in the USA) that made me want to run around the street naked while pulling out clumps of my hair. The big debate going on (I say this as if it was more than half-literate idiots arguing over Miley's leg-spreading habits) was about Miley's outfit in the video. In case you're intelligent and haven't watched the music video, she's wearing short shorts, cowboy boots, and a semi low cut shirt that sometimes shows her bra. Everyone was talking about her outfit like it was a national emergency. ("OMG, Miley Cyrus is SEVENTEEN and has BOOBS.") Many were defending her, many were criticizing her, and many were masturbating. There was one girl defending her that really caught my eye. Not because she was coming up with any brilliant reasons why Miley shouldn't be called a hussy, but because she commented the same thing about every hour or so.

The gist of her argument was this (and grammatically correct because I honestly can't reproduce the garbage she came up with): Miley's not a whore, she just likes to dress cute. I wear the same things as she does in this video and it's not because I'm a whore, it's because I'm cute and guys like it.

My immediate response (and this even beat out the fact that she basically just called herself a whore) was this, "If you're not a whore, then don't spell like one."
I realized later that she was being contradictory in her argument and added that to the list of things I'd like to tell her.

I'm not going to get into the Miley debate because I couldn't care less about what she wears or how she dances. I don't like Miley and her song nearly made my ears bleed (I muted my speakers about a minute into the video so I could read poorly written comments in peace), but I seriously don't care what she wears. Every other Disney kid has become a hugely famous yet inappropriate star. She's just following the trend.
What I want to get into is the actual art of debating. Rhetoric, if you will. In my opinion, if you want to be taken seriously in any written debate or argument, your writing must be impeccable (i.e. little to no spelling/grammar mistakes; proficiency in vocabulary). Even if we're talking about just how short Miley's shorts are, if you come at me with this: 'your just gellous cuz ur not as preti as her,' I'm going to punt whatever tiny animal you may own. And I know you own a tiny animal. You need something to think for you, you brain-dead sycophant.
The point is, even if your argument is full of holes and circles and false information, if you present it well in written words, I'll take it seriously. It doesn't have to be good enough to earn an A in an honors English class, it just has to be structured, spelled correctly, and grammatically sound. That's it. That's all I'm asking for.

Is that really such a tall order, English speakers of the world? I realize our public education sucks more than the malaria epidemic in Bangladesh, but if you just sit down with a book, or pay attention in English class every so often, I PROMISE you, you WILL learn how to write/speak correctly. (I also suggest you avoid YouTube comments, trending topics on twitter, and most things posted on myspace/facebook.)

/rant

Last NaNo Blog, I Swear!

2009-12-02T01:26:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow, I'll be printing out the first ten pages of my nano novel ("The Imperfect Mirror") and taking a red pen to it (only not really because all I have is black ink pens :D). I'm going to rip those first ten (approximately) pages to shreds and piece it all back together in an attempt to make it better/longer/captivating. I also have to rework some characterization so there aren't too many unanswered questions at the end.

I mentioned on facebook that I already have scenes planned out for the sequel, but I'm going to try and resist the temptation to start writing it until I've gone through at least half of the first draft (~70 pages). I'll be working ten pages at a time (more or less, depending on the content) and I'm going to take as much time as possible going over it all. I'm going to let other people read it and critique it and I'm going to take their ideas and mash them in where I see fit. And once I finish all 136 1/2 pages, I'm going to go through it again and make sure everything makes sense and that there aren't any glaring plotholes, inconsistencies, fluff, or typos. I suppose I will then go over it one more time (maybe two more times, depending on how I'm feeling) and consider sending the manuscript to a publishing company. I'll need an agent so my work doesn't end up in a slush pile, and that'll be expensive, so God only knows when this whole publishing scheme/idea could take place. If it takes place. But wouldn't it be cool to see my own novel chilling on the shelves of Barnes and Noble? #dreams

If I did all this correctly (and I probably didn't because I'm not the greatest with math), I'll probably still be editing and writing the sequel while I'm enrolled in a creative writing class and later on, hopefully, a novel writing class. All of this will be happening at the same time as NaNoEdMo (which I signed up for today--it's in March and the goal is to log 50 hours of editing time in one month), which will either be helpful or distracting. I guess I'll find out. :P

I've been making a list of all the things I want to do during editing:
1. Make it suitable for a Young Adult label.
2. Make it funnier.
3. Make it as interesting and hard to put down as a John Green novel.

For this, I'll need a LOT of help from friends and family. I think I know what I have to do to make it Young Adult, so I can do that mostly on my own; however, making it funnier and more captivating will all depend on the people I let read it. I'm approaching quite a few different types of readers with it, so I should get a lot of suggestions and I'm really, really excited about it. I know Nicole will help me make it comedic, and I know Dylan and Bekah will help me make it more interesting, and I know Jenelle will help with characterization and reality checks (she's already doing this--God bless her), and everyone else will probably help with everything.

I think the hardest part about this entire thing is putting my work out there where anyone can see it. My family can see it, and I know they'll be proud of me for actually writing it, but will they be proud of what I've written? My friends will read it and tell me their honest opinions and give me pointers and ideas. People I don't know will read it and judge it and judge me and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. I'm still at that age where the opinions of the people around me really matter. I get upset over YouTube comments, for God's sake. Can you imagine what I'd do if I got an email from someone telling me they hated the book I slaved over for months/years? I don't know how published authors do it. Just look at JK Rowling. She was persecuted by Christians (even though she IS Christian) for writing about magic (God forbid *eye roll*). I don't know WHAT I would do if that happened to me (because, of course, the biggest controversy in my novel deals with Magicians)(not to mention the fact that there's sex and alcohol and underage drinking and seduction and rock n' roll).

There's a lot to think about over the next few months. I'm both excited for them and dreading them. You may not see me very much during it all, and I'll apologize in advance for that. I was almost a shut-in during November (though half of that was because I have a really terrible cold), and writing 50,000 words was probably the easiest thing in the world for me to do. Now I have to edit 70,000 words, take two English classes (which will both require papers every week about), and take another 9 credits on top of that. The next six months will be tough for sure, but I know I can make it through. :)

Not sure how much blogging I'll be doing after this, so I guess I'll close with a typical, "See you later!"

2009-11-28T02:40:00.000-08:00

And now for a 2000 word snippet of my NaNoWriMo novel. :)

Aiden was out of water. In fact, he had been out of water for days. He gnawed on his last bit of food and tried to chew and swallow it slowly to make it last, but he was too hungry and exhausted. It was all gone. There were no creatures, no water, nothing around him at all but more mountains. He had been going for days on end and there was absolutely nothing there but dirt, rock, and dry shrubs.
“Mountains,” he snorted, sitting in a valley to keep the burning sun off his dirt streaked face. “Who invented these?”
He leaned back against the next mountain he was supposed to climb and started giggling to himself.
“Inventing mountains. Really. What a ridiculous idea. Lakes and rivers I can understand, but mountains?”
He laughed a little more about it and settled down, closing his eyes. He started dreaming, even though he was still awake, and he saw a man sitting on the clouds, playing with clay and forming a miniature version of the world. The man examined his ball of clay and carefully started making little mountains on the surface of the ball.
Wetness touched Aiden’s mouth and his dry, swollen tongue automatically stretched out to lick his lips. The liquid tasted salty and metallic, and it was thicker than water, but it was liquid. More dribbled onto his lips and he lapped up as much as he could. A drop of it fell on his hand and he opened his eyes and looked down.
Blood. He’d been drinking his own blood.
His stomach lurched and he leaned over and choked and gagged and heaved, losing the last bit of food he’d had. He groaned and wiped his mouth. His hand came away bloody and he realized numbly that his nose was probably bleeding.
“I gotta…” he gasped, scrambling to his feet. “I gotta…go…water…”
Using the side of the mountain as a crutch, he stumbled along its base, tripping over every bush and rock in his path. One stone caught him by surprise and he went toppling into the dirt, scraping his face and hands and knees. Groaning, he pushed himself up onto his hands and knees, and started crawling impossibly slowly. All he knew was that he needed water. He didn’t know where to look for it, but he needed it and he thought he could crawl forever if only he could find some water. Dignity be damned.
It was a struggle to keep his heavy limbs moving forward, a few inches at a time, but he kept at it, his head hanging and his nose bleeding, and the whole of his body aching with exhaustion and starvation.
A rushing sound filled his ears and he nearly cried out. He knew that sound. He’d lost consciousness a few times in his life and he always heard that sound before it happened. Next, the black dots would fill his vision from the side and he would know no more.
A peculiar thing happened then. The sound stopped. With the last of his energy, he lifted his head and looked right into the mouth of a cave, and there, standing just a few feet in front of him, was the girl with the electric blue eyes.
“Aiden?” she whispered.
The sound returned and he gasped and fell forward as the black dots invaded.

“ALEXA! JANIE! COME QUICKLY!”
Alexa and Janie’s heads snapped up as the flap of their tent flew open. Oriana looked in on them with wide, terror-filled eyes.
“It’s Aiden. He’s dying.”
Janie was up in a flash and pushing past Oriana. Alexa was hot on her heels. They ran through the city to reach the front entrance. Nikki and Sebastian were already beside their longtime brother and friend, holding his hands. He was scraped and bruised and covered in blood and vomit, but none of that phased Janie and Alexa. They fell to their knees beside him and started doing everything in their power to bring him back to consciousness and stop his bleeding.
Oriana caught up to them, out of breath, and stopped at Aiden’s feet.
“There was blood everywhere when I found him. He’s lost too much.”
“Go get water,” Janie snapped. “Lots of it.”
Oriana nodded and turned to run to the well in the center of camp. Once she was gone, Alexa shook her head.
“She’s right. He’s barely alive as it is.”
“Stop the bleeding and we can work on that,” Janie replied shortly, refusing to believe that Aiden, one of her favorite Warriors, would die right in front of her. She wouldn’t believe that there was nothing she could do. Until the last breath left his body, she wouldn’t stop trying to save him.
Oriana returned with Marid, who immediately turned pale white upon seeing Aiden.
“Oh, you sad idiot,” he murmured. “You tried to find us on your own.”
Janie snatched the bucket of water from Oriana and dumped half of it on Aiden’s head. His eyes flew open and he croaked something out.
“Sit him up,” Janie barked. Alexa and Nikki scrambled to get him into a sitting position and Aiden groaned in pain with every movement. Janie ignored his complaints, pulled his mouth open, and lifted the bucket to his lips. He gulped down as much water as he could manage and pulled back once he’d had enough.
“Food,” he mumbled, his eyes closing again.
“There’s nothing made right now,” Oriana said before Janie could even look at her.
“How soon could something be made?”
“Twenty minutes at best.”
“Go. Make something as quickly as possible.”
Oriana nodded dutifully and dashed away to find a cooking Witch.
Marid kneeled down in front of Aiden and grabbed hold of one of his hands.
“Aid, buddy, talk to me. What’re you doing out here?”
“Finding you,” Aiden breathed, his eyelids flickering feebly. “Magicians don’t lie. Says so in every history book. I figured you had it right, Lex.”
“So you left? How long ago?”
“Over a week.”
“When did you run out of water?”
“Uh…uh…I think four days ago.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. It’s a miracle you’re still alive. After three days, people become delusional,” said Alexa, propping Aiden’s head on her shoulder.
“Stay awake, Aid. When did you run out of food?”
“Today,” he mumbled, quickly losing consciousness again.
Janie bit her lip and handed the bucket to Marid.
“Make him drink more. I’ll be back.”
She left them and disappeared into the camp. Nikki opened Aiden’s mouth and Marid put the bucket to his lips. Aiden drank the rest of the water in the pale and immediately passed out on Alexa. Silent tears were streaming down Nikki’s cheeks.
“He’s not gonna make it,” she whispered, holding one of Aiden’s hands in both her own. Sebastian put an arm around her and kissed the side of her head.
“No, he’s not. But at least he’ll have died honorably and as a true Warrior.”
Alexa and Marid looked at each other, communicating silently. Someone needed to clean up whatever mess Aiden had left behind and it needed to happen soon. Creatures were attracted to blood and they didn’t know if Aiden had been followed or not. If he hadn’t been, they still couldn’t leave a blood trail leading right to the Magicians’ front door.
Marid kept his voice low and said, “After he passes.”
“I’ll go with you.”
He didn’t fight her and she silently thanked him for it.
Aiden’s stomach growled long and low, but Janie and Oriana still hadn’t come back. The four of them waited in torturous silence, listening to the inconsistent shallow breaths of their dying brother. Janie and Oriana appeared between the tents, carrying between them some sort of basket, but as they ran up the hill to them, Aiden’s last breath rattled to a stop.
Nikki put a hand over her mouth to stifle her sobs and Sebastian held her tightly, rocking her slowly, back and forth. Marid sat back on his heels and landed on his butt, his eyes wide and glazed over.
“No!” Janie screamed, dropping her side of the basket to run the rest of the way up to them. “No! Aiden!”
Alexa quickly pulled Marid over to hold Aiden and got up to restrain Janie.
“Janie, stop. Janie, listen to me. There’s nothing we could do. Please, Janie, calm down. Sit down, at least. Janie…Janie…”
And finally, after a minute of coaxing her, Janie sagged into Alexa and cried for the loss of her friend.

Jon was leading the Hunters through a valley when his creature darted forward unexpectedly and started cantering faster. The other two creatures were doing the same, taking the control from the Warriors. The Hunters started sprinting to catch up with them.
The first creature reached a spot right next to a mountain and stopped short, nearly throwing Jon forward into the side of the mountain. Clutching the creature for dear life, Jon looked down at the ground and groaned. Not only was there blood, which the creatures had initially been attracted to, but there was also a pile of sick right next to it.
Snuffling with its nose close to the ground, the creature stepped forward carefully, following a sparse trail of blood until it stopped abruptly at the face of another mountain. The trail itself was about two hundred feet long.
“He was definitely here. How he made it this far with the amount of blood he had to have lost is beyond me,” said Jon, gazing around at his surroundings suspiciously. “Either someone found him and carried him away, or he found enough strength to send himself to the Regular world. I highly doubt the second option.”
Valerie clomped up beside him and looked around as well.
“Then we must be close.”
“There are no signs of civilization anywhere around here,” said David from behind them. “Magicians gotta drink water, too. We need to find a water source and then we’ll find the Magicians.”
“Right. Well, Aiden was heading this way. Maybe he knew there was water this way,” Jon mused.
“It’s worth a shot. C’mon.”
Valerie took the lead through the winding valley before them. The last of the Hunters was passing by when the mouth of the tunnel opened up. Marid and Alexa held their breath, preparing for the Hunters to realize that they’d heard something behind them, but they never turned back. They waited a good ten minutes anyway before they stepped out into the open just in case one of them looked back at all.
“He was being followed,” Marid murmured, creeping out of the tunnel with Alexa directly behind him.
“No shit. Look. The Warriors are leading them.”
Marid glanced over his shoulder and saw Jon, Valerie, and David riding atop huge black creatures.
“Hm. David doesn’t look to happy to be here, does he?”
“Well, he is stuck with Val.”
He chuckled and started erasing the trail of blood by scuffing the dirt with his feet. Alexa followed his lead and started doing the same a little further down the trail. Marid reached where she started and he checked his work before going to meet her at the end. She was holding her nose and facing away from the vomit on the ground.
“Oh, gross. How do we clean that up?” he asked.
Alexa shook her head and Marid sighed and looked around for something he could use to spread it around. Marla came crunching along at that moment with a frown on her lips.
“Need something to disappear?”
“Yeah, this stuff. You wanna check the blood trail, too, to make sure it’s all gone?”
“Oh, the blood’s gone, but it’s pretty obvious it’s been scrubbed out. Take a branch off a bush and make it look a bit more natural while I take care of this.”
“Gladly,” Alexa muttered, moving away from the puke as quickly as she could to find a bush.
Twenty minutes later, the three of them met back up at the entrance to the tunnel and gazed wordlessly out at the valley in front of them. The Warriors and Hunters were barely visible in the distance, but it didn’t look like they were going to turn around any time soon, so they went into the tunnel, closed the entrance, and started back to the city for an impromptu funeral.

NaNoWriMo Part 2

2009-11-21T22:07:00.000-08:00

I changed the plot a bit. And the names. :P Here it goes:

Alexa begins the revolution in the middle of Court and calls in Magicians
Marid, Sebastian, and Nikki go over to Alexa's side
Eli goes with Alexa on principle alone
After rebels are gone, Janie leaves, too
Janie contacts Alexa (don't know how yet) and is brought into hiding
Alexa and the Warriors and Eli go into hiding in the Wizard City. Alexa and Marid's relationship is clarified during this two or three month process.
News of Aeris' corruption leaks to the public of the Shadow Realm
Shadow People start whispering and grumbling
Aeris has the Hunters and Warriors slaughter hundreds of the most rebellious people
Aiden leaves the Warriors and strikes out on his own in search for Alexa and the Magicians
Aiden dies during a creature attack/allergies
After finding Aiden's body (and not being able to heal it), Alexa goes out into the open with her 'freedom fighters'
The two sides clash and are fairly even in strength, but not in numbers. The Magicians make up for lack of population.
Unexpected allies arrive to fight for Jenny (creatures? Folk?)
Aeris disappears the second the odds aren't in her favor
The battle ends and every Healer available to the rebels goes to work
Alexa is interrupted in the middle of a healing and is told someone has specially requested an audience with her
Alexa goes to the outskirts of the rebel camp with Marla and Balthy and meets Jon, who says he was wrong, blah blah blah, and asks if he can join the cause.

It'll probably change again, but whatever. This worked out well and helped develop the romance between Sebastian and Nikki that I knew was going to be there from the beginning. I'm still not sure how to make Alexa and Marid just friends, but maybe I don't have to. I could always go with the cliche love triangle, but I kinda wanna do something different. I guess it all depends on Jon. I've got his character - mostly. Sometimes, I don't know what he'll do. I think I should do some more research into my own characters. :P

Hell Hath No Fury

2009-11-15T03:54:00.000-08:00

This will probably have a few grammar/spelling errors in it because it's 4 AM and I'm too tired to go back and edit stupid mistakes. I'll try my best, though.

If you've been reading this blog lately, you'll know about the post where I compared myself to Cinderella. Well, bitches, Cinderella struck back tonight! And not even on purpose. :P

So, there was an improv show tonight and, as always, there was a party afterward. At this party, which I said I really didn't wanna drink at, I had ONE Smirnoff Ice (which was fantastic, by the way, I highly recommend them if you're a girly-girl, lightweight, or flamboyantly gay man), and I didn't have anything else for the rest of the night. And I drank it slowly while eating cheese puffs, so I didn't even feel anything.

You might be wondering why I'm justifying this. I'll explain now: When I am drinking, I'm a very loving person. Hence me making out with two separate guys at two separate parties while intoxicated. So, maybe not loving. Whore-ish.

So they started playing pong in the pong room, and we hung around until the end of the first game and then most of us left for the living room (most of us being girls). There were about three or four guys in there with us and we were having bunches of awkward conversations. Blah blah blah. Eventually, this guy Kyle and I just started flirting very openly with each other (but not really seriously. It was more of a playful thing, like how I used to play-flirt with Nick back in Etown.). At some point, I stole his seat while he was getting another beer. The Boy (aka Alex aka the Prince mentioned in that emo blog) was sitting on the other couch with a Claire, Jen, and a guy whose name I THINK is Steven. Kyle comes back out of the kitchen and kinda gapes at me incredulously, so I give him the sign for suck it and tell him to sit on my lap if he's going to be so butt hurt about it.

He does this. And, I know this makes me sound like a horrible person, but I was elated for the rest of the night because Alex didn't genuinely smile for at least ten minutes. I realized that I did the same exact thing to him that he did to me while Kyle was sitting on my lap, and on one hand, I felt like a bitch, and on the other, I felt like a victorious bitch.

Kyle got up after a wonderful conversation about how many gallons of little children we can fit into our respective trunks (please don't ask me to explain this. It's really fucked up), and I made a show about how I'd lost feeling in one of my legs. Steven got up and went outside to smoke, and Claire, being ridiculous, moved over to my couch in an attempt to seduce me (but not really). I grabbed a pillow and put it between us, but Alex invited me to sit on the couch with him and Jen.

So...yeah. I win. I totally fucking win.

Who knew Cinderella could be a vindictive bitch? :P

Halloween Cards

2009-11-04T09:25:00.000-08:00

I got two cards in the mail from Elisabeth (aka Best Roomie Ever) the other day and one of them really meant a lot to me, even though I doubt she meant to do that.

The card reads: How do we know Halloween pumpkins are male? Their heads are empty, they have mush for brains, and after a few days they start to smell funny.

She added this: True story! My addition? The beauty and awe only lasts so long. They easily go rotten.

I'm pretty sure she was referencing our ridiculous pumpkins from last year (that we kinda forget about and they, in turn, rotted from the inside out and turned a sickly white color), but it made me think of all my boy drama. With Matt, the illusion that he was perfect only lasted for so long (a very long time, but still not very long). And Mike only lasted a couple weeks before his true colors came out. Alex, though, had me captured. But, as she said, the beauty and awe only lasts so long. I don't know what I did, or if I did anything. But I guess that's over now.

I'm still determined to be optimistic. I'm only nineteen and I've got plenty of time to find a guy who will actually have the balls to hold onto me.

So, thanks Lis'beth. Your card meant more to me than you know. :)

NaNoWriMo

2009-11-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

So, I did all that work on my nanowrimo story, and now I have nothing to do because I don't want to rush through this month. I know I can write 50,000 words in a matter of a week, but I don't want to do that this time. I'm gonna take my time, live out the rest of the month at a slower pace, and finish the story.

I've got 85% of it planned, now that I think about it. That's probably why I finished almost 18 pages today. I've still gotta work out an ending.

I'm not going to give out any spoilers, but I've got the entire thing planned up until the Queen's Ball, which is right before the revolution begins. (Now that I think about it, I need to rewrite one scene to fix the time line.) I've got every bit of dialogue for the beginning of the revolution, but I'm not sure how to pull off the action sequences. They're not my strong point. Anyway, I've got it planned up until that point, and from there I have no idea where I'm going. I know one character needs to choose between Aeris and Jenny (Or, really, Marid)at some point, but I don't know which way he'll go yet. Either way, in the end he has to end up on Jenny's side (maybe Percy Weasley style) and come clean about his past in an effort to make up for being such an ass throughout the entirety of the story. Or maybe he'll show up on the last page and...

Oooh, I love blogging just for this. If I just sit here and write down every idea as it comes to mind, it's a lot easier to figure out what I want to do.

So...

Jenny begins the revolution in the middle of Court (before the examination process)
Marid leaves Warriors to fight with Jenny and the Magicians
Magicians hold Aeris and Warriors back so Marid and Jenny can escape
Eli doesn't know what to do, so he does nothing
Jenny and Marid go into hiding in both the Regular and Shadow world. Their relationship is clarified during this two or three month process.
Nikki, Janie and Sebastian find them and join their cause
News of Aeris' corruption leaks to the public of the Shadow Realm
Shadow People start whispering and grumbling
Aeris has the Hunters and Warriors slaughter hundreds of the most rebellious people
Aiden leaves the Warriors and strikes out on his own in search for Jenny and the Magicians
Aiden dies creatively (will think of something later)
After finding Aiden's body (and not being able to heal it), Jenny goes out into the open with her 'freedom fighters'
The two sides clash and are fairly even in strength, but not in numbers. The Magicians make up for lack of population.
Unexpected allies arrive to fight for Jenny (creatures? Folk?)
Aeris disappears the second the odds aren't in her favor
The battle ends and every Healer available to the rebels goes to work
Jenny is interrupted in the middle of a healing and is told someone has specially requested an audience with her
Jenny goes to the outskirts of the rebel camp with Marla and Balthy and meets Jon, who says something surprising that I haven't thought of yet.

And that will be the end.

I'll have to force myself not to skip over the action and battle scenes. I hate writing them because I'm much better at dialogue and person-to-person interaction. I've forced myself to write scenes I would normally skip over already, so it shouldn't be too hard to kick my own ass about it. :P

And now that I've got that planned, I really want to write it. But I'm not going to. I'm going to let it simmer in my mind for a while. You never know, I may just come up with something better. :)

Song Titles Are a Bitch.

2009-10-14T00:11:00.000-07:00

List of possible titles so far:

Fiber (What we lovingly call it now...just so we can make fun of it)
Ballad in E Minor (Because it's not a ballad, nor is it in E minor)
Worth It (Sounds a little too emo for me)
Collaboration Rhyming (Because, truthfully, that's what it was)
Questions for the Healer
Chance, Glance, Dance, Romance (A suggestion of four rhyming words given to me)
Pope Groping (...This really can't be explained)(Is also Jenelle's favorite)
Hope for the Broken
Hope for the Brokenhearted
Saved By Words

I'm taking it to a vote. Let me know which one you like the most. :)

Brass In Pocket

2009-10-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

That freakin' song is so inspiring.

Anyway, I decided today to just start talking music with Alex. I opened it up with blaming him for my sudden addiction to I Believe in a Thing Called Love and from there we just talked...music. And it was good. So I'm just going on with my life. One day, he'll get it. I've learned that some boys just need time to realize what they have in front of them. So I'll wait this one out and take all the tears and impatience.

I just have a feeling it will all be worth it in the end.

That's part of why I'm still going with this song I'm writing. I wrote the guitar part for it last night, and I was going to bring it into class today to show Benedetti, but I was up late last night waging war on YouTube, so I slept through my alarm. Oh well. I've got the guitar part, now I just need to write the melody.

This should be interesting. :)

Look What We've Got, A Fairytale Plot

2009-10-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start.

It was all so good yesterday. And then I felt like Cinderella when the clock struck 12.

It doesn't matter that we've got no attachments, or that she's apparently a floozy. All that matters is that said floozy was all over the prince and the prince wasn't drunk and the prince was perfectly comfortable with it.

And that makes Cinderella sob outside on the sidewalk, suddenly completely sober and very aware of the pain coursing through her. But all of Cinderella's friends and acquaintances surround her and hug her and tell her everything will work out. One or two of them offer to beat up the prince. But Cinderella says no because the prince doesn't deserve to be beaten up just because he changed his preference in girls.

And that was when Cinderella realized that life is never a fairytale and every prince that comes along is still just a stupid boy in the end.

Song Writing? Che?!

2009-10-06T23:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, indeed, inspiration has struck me in the ass again, and this time it gave me the first two lines of a song. And I was left to figure out the rest on my own. But I didn't settle for that. I turned around and bitch slapped inspiration and asked six girls for words that rhymed with the two I'd already gotten.

Eventually, I had compiled a fairly sizable list of words and turned it into something poetic-ish:

I’m fighting this feeling
With every fiber of my being
Staring up at the ceiling
Nothing’s all I’m seeing
Into sleep I am stealing
Your face while I’m dreaming
In the freefall I’m reeling
You’ve got me healing

Now, I realize I wrote my last poem for The Boy. That was simply expressing how I felt about him, though. This is going to be something very different.

I told The Boy the Story about the Twatwaffle. And his response was...well, perfect. "Holy shit!...It's people like that that give men bad, horrible names....If I were you, I'd run background checks on every guy you want to date from now on..." And the like. I told him I was being careful now, but I don't think he knows how careful.

Yeah, I joke around saying that we're going to get married, but I know the likelihood of that is very slim. Sure, he's perfect, but I'm almost twenty and I'm still healing from what happened two months ago. In other words, I have a lot of stuff to do before I can seriously consider saying that I'm going to marry someone.

I digress.

I want this song to show how careful I'm being, but at the same time, I want it to show how un-careful I WANT to be. Also, it's probably going to show how he just wiggled his way under my defenses. I can't help being careless around him, but I also can't help all my instincts telling me that I need to be cautious. After all, he's a boy. I barely know him, but I know he's one of the good ones. Nevertheless, that could change at any moment, and I'm still not sure if he's worth the risk.

I keep asking myself:
Is he worth it?
Are you worth it?
Can I be me around you
Or should I be someone else?

I may have to tweak that so it rhymes more.

I knew blogging would be good for me. I need to get all my thoughts out so I can shove them into poetic form.

I could risk falling
But now I'm stalling
I know it's appalling
That I keep on calling

I keep asking myself:
Is he worth it?
Are you worth it?
Am I good enough on my own
Or do I need to change for you?

I'm fighting this feeling
But every fiber of my being...
Is remembering another time
Another touch
Of one I loved
And I can't help but ask myself:

Is he worth it?
Are you worth it?
Will it hurt like before
Or will it make the pain go away?

Zombies: A Guidebook

2009-10-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I give you two sets of guidelines.

In becoming a zombie for a short period of time:
1. If you get liquid latex and you plan on wearing it for a long time, bring extra with you.
2. You don't tie your shoelaces. Ever. Not even after the walk has ended. You will be shunned by other zombies.
3. NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, put adhesive near or around your hair.
4. If you are using plastic 'wounds' and adhering them with latex/glue, make sure you either have more adhesive with you or make sure there is no chance that you will begin to sweat.
5. Get a theme to your zombie. Figure out how you died and run with it. Nothing is too extreme.
6. Always get extra makeup. You may not use it, but get it anyway.
7. Buy the baby powder with the makeup. Trust me.
8. Once zombified, do your damndest to scare the shit out of as many people as possible no matter where you are.
9. Wear comfortable shoes.
10. Stay in character. Zombies don't smile. They groan and moan. A lot. Constant groaning for brains and other unintelligible things is okay.

If zombies are attacking the earth:
1. Grab as many guns, knives, shears, and swords as you can get.
2. GET OUT. Keep moving and don't stay in one place for too long.
3. Don't take a bunch of food with you. Steal what you need and barter if you have to.
4. You need a vehicle that's large enough to roll over zombies and other cars without problem, but also something fuel efficient and not liable to roll over if you take a turn too fast.
5. Double tap.
6. Each night, conduct a thorough search of every body in the party. If anyone's bleeding from a bite wound, kill them.
7. Make sure there is at least one straight male and one straight female in your party.
8. If you're not in shape, you better get there.
9. Humans, when panicked, are stupid. Look out for the stupid ones and the zombies. One or the other will probably kill you.
10. There's probably no hope that all the zombies will be killed off for good. But just keep kicking ass and hope that one day the plague will be killed off. Then procreate like crazy.

There you go. Twenty simple rules.

:D

Nacirema

2009-09-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how you don't recognize yourself until you're face-to-face with a mirror?

I read this really weird article on these people called the Nacirema for sociology class. They believe in magic and have special rituals. They believe that the body is ugly and easily diseased. They believe the mouth is sacred and clean it every day and go to a holy-mouth-man twice a year so they can have magic powders put in and on their teeth. They keep their bodily functions a secret. They pay healer men to see them and prescribe cleansing medicines which they much then pick up from the apothecary, whom they also pay. The women stick their heads in small ovens for an hour each month or more. The men scrape the hair off their faces with sharp objects. Women hide their pregnancies because sex is a taboo'd topic. And their ideal set of breasts is described as 'hypermammary'.

Weird, right? Why would people think or believe or do this stuff?

But then you take a closer look.

Nacirema = American, backwards.

We do this stuff. We brush our teeth every morning to keep our mouths clean. We pay doctors to look at us, and then we pay the pharmacy for the medicine that will make us better. We keep our bodily functions a secret (for the most part) from others. Men shave. Women get their hair dyed professionally and have to sit under the 'oven' for an hour. And if our ideal of perfect breasts wasn't so abnormally large, why is plastic surgery so common? If we didn't all think ourselves ugly, why would we cover our faces with make up, and why would we dye our hair, and why would we pay so much to have our very face structure changed with surgery?

We are those weird, image-obsessed people.

Banned Book Week

2009-09-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

John Green deserves an award of some sort. EVERY SINGLE ONE of his books is on the list this year. So I'm going to read all of them (for the second or fourth time). And then I'm going to go to the library and pick up as many banned books as I can get my hands on.

And after Banned Book Week, I'm going to go to Julian and get me some apple pie. Ahh, banned books and apple pie.

Life doesn't get better than this. :)

Um...?

2009-09-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

So, today was a good day to get wasted.

I, unfortunately, did NOT get wasted.

Let me list the reasons why I really wanted to drink an entire handle of vodka today:

1. Matt was at the concert.
2. He brought his girlfriend who doesn't know I slept with him.
3. We were stuck in a tiny church and then a tiny condo together.
4. We were almost stuck in a tiny backstage area together.
5. The concert had been planned for months, and rehearsed for four days.
6. Jenelle and I memorized our duet piece about three hours before the performance.
7. I had to improvise notes on one of the group pieces because the first time I saw the music was yesterday.
8. I couldn't wear a bra with my dress.
9. I had to wait for Matt to leave the table to say hi to his mom because I actually like her.
10. I think I may have offended Alex. Either that, or he just didn't know what to say in response.

But, all in all, it wasn't a terrible day. Alcohol definitely would have helped. A lot.

I didn't talk to Matt. The most I did was nod or make noises/gestures. I did not say one word to him.

How fuckin' dedicated am I?! xD

Uh-Oh.

2009-09-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

I like to keep my mom in the loop when it comes to my love life. Because otherwise, she'll bitch at me for being bitchy when it's not going well. So, of course, I told her about Alex. I told her just about everything, aside from the fact that we got drunk and kissed. Apparently I mentioned how much work my stomach does whenever I think about him.

I got home last night after a night of exploration and adventure, and she was sitting on the couch watching Glen Beck. I waited for a commercial break, then I told her how I'd told Alex I liked him and how he'd been super cute with his reply and how we both have a lot of crap to work through before anything can happen.

And then she looked at me and said, "Just so you know, the fact that your heart flutters when you're around him means you're over Matt. You have moved on and your attention is elsewhere."

Which means I don't have quite as much to get through as I originally thought.

BUT I do still need to do some things before I'm fully ready to be involved with anyone. I'm actually kinda proud of myself for slowing down like this and doing so many self-evaluations.

I've made a list of things to get done:
1. Talk to Matt.
2. Attempt not to castrate him.
3. Be sure Alex and I are compatible as friends first.
4. Get back into school mode, because missing three days was NOT good.
5. Write a song before Taylor Swift gets to it first and blows my mind again.

When I say 'talk to Matt,' I don't mean try and work things out between the two of us. I'm not going to subject myself to that again. I won't let him have that control over me anymore. I'm going to tell him that he fucked up and that he needs to leave me alone from now on. I'm not ready to forgive him, and I doubt if I ever will be. He lied to me. And that hurt worse than the actual heartbreak. I almost gave him everything and he lied to me.

I don't know how I'll tell him this yet. I'm not very good when it comes to speaking my feelings out loud. But I feel like sending him a message on facebook is tacky. Plus, he sent me a shit ton of facebook messages and it just made me mad. He could have at least tried.

I may write him a letter and hand it to him before the concert. That way it's personal and I don't actually have to speak.

Anyway, I feel like after I let Matt know that it's over and that he should stop trying to get my attention, I'll feel much better about life. Free, even. And then I can dedicate myself to being Alex's friend, even though I'll want to kiss him a lot. But I think just that feeling of longing will be enough to inspire a really great song. And I've got to write a song. Because every time I think about writing a song and give up on it, Taylor Swift freaking writes it for me. Gah.

Mayhaps if I write a song, I can play it for Alex and make him fall so in love with me that he'll HAVE to be my boyfriend...? :P I think it's worth trying.

Crickets

2009-09-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever committed suicide because of chirping crickets?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This is a fail of a post. Sorry.

Wishes

2009-09-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

I guess one of my wishes was granted. I said that I wanted to be something with Alex, and I am something. I'm just not what I wanted to be. But that's okay with me. Because the potential is there. Someday, when both of us are ready, we can have something more than just friendship.

At first I was really disappointed that he said he wasn't actually able to be in a relationship. And then I thought about it and realized he wasn't going to do it because of me. Well, for me. He doesn't want me hurt, and I think that's why I'm okay with just being his friend.

He's seriously the best boy I've ever met. He's always been open and honest with me and he's...see-through. And because I can see through him, I know he's honest and that his intentions are pure. He's just all-around awesome. And adorable. And really, really sweet.

It takes a lot to find a guy like that. I thought I had found one, but I guess it's true what they say about love making you blind. I thought the sun shone out his ass, but I was very wrong. So now I can see my own faults when it comes to boys and now I'm more cautious because of it. But there's something about Alex that just makes me want to throw caution to the wind. And that scares me.

For the first time, I want to be passionate. I want to really throw all of myself into something. I want to be completely fearless and fall in love. I want the nervous flutters in my stomach to never go away when I think of him or look at him. I want this feeling to never end. I want to be able to talk about running away to Vegas to get married and not be afraid that he'll shy away from the idea. I want to write songs about him that will erase all the pain from the Spider Game songs.

I guess I kind of want to be Coco.

But I can't be yet. Because Alex has a lot of stuff to work through. And I guess I do too. I think it's time I talk to Matt. The sooner I do, the sooner I can get over everything we had, and the sooner I can move on and fully devote myself to the wild passion in me that's dying to get out.

The Love Blog: Also On Facebook

2009-09-22T15:43:00.001-07:00

Going in chronological order here...

Jayne: Thanks for being my first best friend and playing so many ridiculous games with me. I can still remember the day we caught about fifty rolly pollies and named them all. :P We were so awesome back then. And you're still awesome now! I need to meet your baby girl! She's so cute and she's going to have some awesome adventures of her own. I expect to hear about the ones that sound a lot like ours. :)

Anne: You're seriously the most beautiful girl I know. And I mean inside and out. Like, when I didn't have any friends back in grade school because Emily had ditched me and Jayne had moved to Washington, you still hung out with me. That meant a lot more to me than I can tell you. The fact that you still hang out with me and share so many nerdy jokes with me is kind of amazing. Most girls with your talent and looks would forget about the nerdy best friend they had in grade school. But you're better than that. :) Thanks, love.

Lucy: The only reason I'm posting this is because of you, haha. But you did ask for a completely honest post, and I said I would only give the complete truth if someone asked for it. So here it is: I love you. You were the first real friend I made in high school and I am just overjoyed that we're still as tight as we are. I know we both grew away from each other, because I went chasing boys and you went chasing work, but at the end of the day, you're still one of my best friends and I will always cherish all the good times and laughs that we had together. And, you know, all the illegal things we did together. :P Oh, and mashed potato parties. Those were the best. lol.

Coco: I don't really remember what my first impression of you was, but I know I must have thought you were awesome because you were a drama kid and you got to hang out with all the cool kids (cool kids being the drama kids, of course). And then came choir. We didn't talk much in San Fran, but my senior year we did talk and we really got to know each other, and now I love you. :D Because I can show up at your house at any point of the day and still be offered coffee. And because we can listen to songs about zombies and start a new genre of zombie pop. And because you have always been honest with me, even at great personal risk. I never told you how much it meant to me that you risked everything to tell me the truth. But I think you probably guessed. :) I love you, beautiful, and I can't wait for you to come back so we can have more unplanned moments.

Jenelle: I already wrote to you in a blog, but now I have more to say. Along with not condemning me, you've also helped me get back on track by giving me advice and going shopping with me and just talking with me and being honest. Thanks for being girly and silly with me when I need it most. :) I promise I will do everything I can to help you when you need it. I promise to be here for you and to support you in everything you do. Just like you've done for me. Thank you.

Reesa: Sometimes, I want to strangle you. But most of the time, I don't. And I'm pretty sure the wanting to strangle you is all a part of being best friends and love and stuff. We get on each others nerves and we fight and we stop talking to each other and we make each other cry. But we always make up for it in laughter and love. And when one of us is crying because of something else, we always have each others back. Which is awesome. And when boys are stupid or cute or both at once, it's always nice to know that we can rant to each other and solve the problem by going gay for each other. ;D

Elisabeth: Remember the first day we met each other? I dragged you out of the dorm and into my car so we could go to Giant. And then we ended up buying fifty cent bouncy balls in preparation for future roomie fights. But we never fought and you ended up being like a sister to me. After hearing and seeing so many fall-outs between roommates last year, what we had was probably magical. I'm so sorry I'm not there this year. When you told me you had set up the room the way I'd wanted it, I cried. I wish I was there so badly. Fatty #1 is nothing without her Fatty #2. :(

Stepf: Wifey! I can't believe how long it took for us to become friends. Seriously. What was wrong with us? Anyway, it doesn't matter now since we're married and stuff. :P But, yeah, I just want to say thank you and that I love you. You're always here for me when I need help or advice or just someone to talk to. Even if it's 4 AM your time. I can only hope that I can do the same for you whenever you need it. :)

Nick: You're an ass, but I still love you because you make me laugh and you help me widen my perspective on life by having random philosophical conversations with me. You're also the first real guy best friend I ever made after Matt, and it's nice to have someone I can go to when I'm confused about the inner workings of boys. I miss you and I miss having random adventures with you around Etown. :(

Arslan: I'll start out by telling you that I love you in a completely non-romantic way. :P I know we weren't completely open with each other when I was back there, but I've always had a problem being really honest and close with guys. But we did have some really deep conversations during the school year and we've had a few over the summer, too. For the record, I could NEVER hate you for being honest with me. If anything, when you tell me the whole truth, I love you more for it. It gives you more character, and more character means there's more to love. :)

Sedrick: I know you don't remember the night you asked me to marry you, but I do, and it was probably the most epic proposal in the world. :D Thanks for being my black husband and making me laugh and asking me to marry you. I miss you, sweetheart.

Nicole: I am so glad I got to know you better second semester. The Madlib Summer would have never existed if we hadn't been friends, and OMLS has been the highlight of my year. You always have good advice when I need it and you're always up for a ridiculous story. Thanks for letting me rant and bitch and get everything off my chest. Oh, and thanks for breakfast. :P <3

Rachel: You are just so awesome. Remember that one time at, like, 2 in the morning when I was trying to do laundry and you said something about going out in the snow in a bikini? Do you remember that one time when we actually did it? XD I love that you can come up with the craziest ideas and then follow through with them. Thanks for making a fool of yourself in a bikini in the snow for me. :))) And thanks for doing the OMLS project with me. I don't know if I could make it through this next school year without weekly contact between us all. <3

Lauren: I still fangirl occasionally when you do stuff like show up in Nicole's vlog or follow my blog. :P I'm really glad you didn't think I was a freak for showing up out of the blue and accosting you during lunch, because otherwise our random trip to Philly to meet a boy from London would have never happened, and we wouldn't have gone to see Hank and John in Lancaster together, and we wouldn't have been friends. And I love being your friend. It makes me feel all special. (And the inner fangirl in me feels super important.) Thanks for being awesome! :)

Saturday Night Recap

2009-09-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

I'm actually going to start with Friday.

Nelle made a comment about Mike's nose that I had to tell Alex. So I broke my vow and opened the line of conversation again. Because I had to. It was hilarious. But then the one little comment became a humongous conversation. He told me about how his night was going, including all the super gay parts, and I told him about the old man midget who was singing to us in the bowling alley. At some point, he made mention to unplanned nights and how they're always the best because they're unplanned. And I started missing my unplanned moments crew. We had so much fun. So much unplanned fun. So I told him how all the people I had unplanned nights with had moved away. And he said we should have unplanned nights. But then he followed it up with the fact that planning unplanned nights is a catch 22. I told him it would be okay if we had planned get togethers and did unplanned things. He responded with a smiley face and said, "I like."

Now comes Saturday.

I went super girly on everyone's ass. I went and bought boots just so I had something to match my outfit. I ended up looking like Taylor Swift, which is totally cool with me.
Before Alex's improv group went on stage, I was kind of freaking out. The girls behind us in the audience somehow got involved. And for the rest of the night, one of the girls (Ashley) was giving me advice. So, after the Stage Monkeys finished their set, and after ROAR did their rendition of Over the Top, Ashley told me to go find Alex because he'd been sneaking glances at me throughout the entire show. I only noticed this a couple times, but they were able to pay more attention to it than I was. So I went to find him and he gave me this super awesome hug. I told him the show was awesome and he did his usual, "Stop it." And then he had to go talk to someone.
This is where it started getting awkward.
For some reason, for the rest of the night, we weren't fully comfortable around each other. Like, I kept drifting to other places at the after party, and he would eventually follow me, but he never got close. At one point, I was sitting on the stairs and he sat with me and we talked a little bit, but that was it. And if he passed me, he would also touch my arm or back. Which was sweet. But nothing really happened until I had to leave. And that was when he gave me a personal hug.

There's a huge difference between a friendly hug and a personal hug. I give away friendly hugs all the time. But personal hugs are hard to come by. When you get a personal hug, you know it's just for YOU. And it's the best feeling in the world to get one.

So why did nothing happen (and why is nothing STILL happening) after that hug? What did it mean? Does he like me, or is he just thinking I'm a friend? Does he think I'm worth it, like I think he's worth it? Does he know how scared I am?

Most of all, do I ask him out on a planned night of unplanned adventures, or do I wait for him to ask me?

I'm making myself physically ill over this. Something needs to happen SOON. I can't just keep hanging by a thread like this.

A Lifehouse song comes to mind...

Honesty for Honesty's Sake

2009-09-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I'm sick or nervous. I wrote a poem yesterday and posted it on facebook. I don't know if Alex read it, but it's for him. And I'm too scared to tag him so he knows it's for him. But I've been feeling unwell all morning. And I still feel terrible. I think it's more than just nerves and fear of annoying him or chasing him off.

I can't miss work. We want the next release to be the last and I promised Siggy I would be in every day, working my ass off to finish testing. I was an hour late today because of my vlog taking forever to upload (and with YouTube being so temperamental with my videos, I didn't wanna push it by changing locations before it could finish uploading), but I'm here now and only have one unit to work with. My other one went missing, so I'm not working as much I hoped to. And, of course, I have to leave early to get to Anna's for rehearsal.

Truth be told, I almost didn't even come into work today because of my stomach. Do you think too many nervous flutters can cause severe stomachaches?

I seriously have trapeze stunts going on every few seconds in my stomach. I think about him, and it flips. I wonder if he's read the poem, and it does a friggin' cartwheel. When my phone goes off, the entire circus joins in.

I don't know the last time I felt this way. Probably with Brandon in senior year. Maybe at the very beginning. But even after that, I was back to normal and completely comfortable.

Which leads me to believe that I'm more scared than nervous. I'm scared that I'll screw up again. After what I went through with Matt, I really don't want to do that again. So I'm being extra cautious and I'm asking everyone for advice because I don't know what to do anymore. I used to know. I used to be able to keep them all guessing and wrap them around my little finger. And then Matt unraveled, so to speak. And when he unraveled, I...lost it. My confidence.

How sad is that? My confidence rested upon one little friendship. One little love. My first love.

And because of that, I've done things I never wanted to do. I've given myself a bad reputation. I've gotten drunk and I've hooked up with random people under the influence. That isn't me. That's never been me. So why does one person get to dictate how I'll act and react after he broke my heart? Why does he get that control?

He doesn't.

But I'm still scared to death to do something wrong again. I'm scared I'll put too much effort into another boy and have it all be for nothing. I'm scared to feel that pain again. It's not a physical pain, either. It's like the pain you get in your stomach right before you throw up. Because all you can do is think about it. And when you think about it, you get sick. And when you realize how pathetic and effed up it is, you start to cry. Eventually you fall asleep just escape it all, but it's back the next night.

But there's always the option that I'm just really nervous because he's worth it. He might actually be worth the effort.

It's so weird. I was thinking about it this morning after my shower. When I think of Alex, I think of kissing and laughing and numb teeth. I don't think of sex. I don't think of it because I don't want it. When I thought of Matt and Mike, I wanted it. Because I knew they weren't virgins. But I know Alex is a virgin. And I hold virginity in very high respect. I think to be 21 and still a virgin is absolutely awesome. So, subconsciously, when I first found out he had never had sex, I decided I didn't want to ruin that for him. I firmly believe you should be in love with the person you lose it to. So unless he happens to be in love with me (and I KNOW it), he's not going to get any. And I'm perfectly happy with that.

Complete/Brutal Honesty Week

2009-09-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

Starting early because I need to say these things NOW.

Matt, fuck off. I'm done. The correct approach is to not approach at all. I swear to God, I would fatally injure you right now. Don't talk to me. Don't send me texts or messages. Listen to everyone giving you advice and just leave me alone.

Taylor, stop trying to get in touch with me. I'm not going to screw around with you because you're a douche and a manwhore. You don't deserve a girl like me.

Kyle, I'm sorry, but you're my brother. I'm not going to screw around with you. Find someone else to be your fuck toy. I still love you, but it's not going to happen, and the more you ask, the more annoyed I get.

Alex, please talk to me. I have never believed any boy more than you when you said I was beautiful. I'm going to see you tomorrow and I want something to happen. I don't care what, but I know I want to be important to you. I want to mean something to you. We can be friends, or whatever, but I want to take up some room in your mind. I'm not going to force it, though. It's all on you now.

Claire, who the flying fuck are you to tell me my opinions are wrong? It's because of people like you that I hate living here. If I say one thing even slightly conservative, I'm argued with and called a republican. FUCK OFF. I'm a moderate, dumbasses. I'm registered independent. No, I don't approve of killing unborn babies. No, I don't approve of killing old people. Yes, I approve of capitol punishment. Yes, I approve of gun laws. Just because I believe these things does NOT make me a conservative republican. There are always TWO SIDES to each argument, and I can see both for all of them. I happen to sway more to the right when it comes to them. Aside from that, GET OUT OF THE PARTISAN THINKING. It's not helping anybody. We are UNITED. So stop pulling away from the country by distancing yourself from someone who might not have the same ideas as you. We're all Americans and we're all going down the shit hole right now. So go bash your head into a wall until you can think like an American. And while you're at it, get off your lazy ass and get a job. I'm tired of arguing with someone who does nothing all day while I'm out every day getting an education and working full time.

Jenelle, thank you for not seeing me as a whore or a man-stealing hussy. I was afraid I was going to lose you over the recent boy issues, but you didn't condemn me and I owe you a lot for that. :) And until Claire tells me to my face that she liked Alex before I did, I'm going to keep pursuing him.

Mike, it was a onetime thing. I'm over it. I've had my revenge. And you turned out to be kinda creepy.

My Madlib Girls, you two are made of so much awesome. Thank you so much for making my summer even more memorable. I know I really go to know Nicole over the summer, and she's helped me through a lot of tough times. Whenever I needed to rant, she would let me and then give me really great advice. I can only hope I did the same for her. :) Rachel, I know I didn't get to know you quite as well as Nicole, but you and I were closer at the end of the school year than Nicole and I were, so...I think it's all pretty even now. :))) Love all around for you two.

That's all for now. At least, that's all that's been bothering me for the past couple days.

Just wait until next week. I'm so excited.

Flashing Back to Preschool

2009-09-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

Grab your popcorn. It's story time and it's a long 'un.

It all started sometime last month when I went to a party after an improv show (there was a vlog made from it of us in the car on the way there. I mentioned drinking an espresso in it). After some...um...beverages, Jenelle and I went outside to sit. Boys followed us out because we're just that hot. Or something. In this group was Jason (Asian), Mike (rebound man), Alex (gorgeous Mr. Right), and a few others that don't deserve mentioning. After a while, the three aforementioned boys decided they needed to coach Jenelle and me in how to be sexy using our hair, lips, and facial expressions (keep in mind that they were all drunk, so this was hysterical in person). At some point, I hooked up with rebound man, who was an excellent rebound and also a mistake (yayyyyyyy life lessons!).

Fast forward to last weekend. Jenelle's house sitting for her sister who says it's fine if we have people over and alcoholic beverages. It just so happens that the founders of the improv troupe live in the same apartment complex and THEY'RE having a party, too. Nelle and I drink Mike's Hard Pink Lemonade to support breast cancer research and stuff, and we join the other party in the founders' garage. Introduce the game of kick ball.

Five of us, Jenelle, Claire, Alex, Mike, and me, start kicking a kick ball around while drinking. (There's a lot of drinking in this story...sorry.) Fireworks start at SeaWorld. We all sing Queen, Bon Jovi, America the Beautiful, and Journey. In harmony. And then clank bottles and red cups in celebration of our on-coming drunkenness. The police roll on up. Those of us that are underage decide it's a good idea to go back to Nelle's to watch the Mighty Boosh. Mike, Alex, Jason, Andrew (Gothy Man), Kalah (awesome chick), and a guy named Chris (funniest nonprofessional comedian I know) come with us. Jenelle gets wasted. Jenelle makes Alex and me a drink to share because we both know we can't handle one drink each. Mike tries to hit on me while I'm hitting on Alex.

That's about when our teeth started feeling funny (me and Alex). It felt like a local anesthetic in our mouths. We giggle about this. We drink some more and Alex finishes our drink without offering me any. We are both quite drunk now. He does something adorable. I tell him so. He tells me to stop and says I'm beautiful.

I decide it's way too hot inside the apartment and go outside. Jenelle, Alex, and Jason follow me. Jason is drunker than all three of us. He wants us to meditate. Because he's Asian. So we get into group hug formation. Going clockwise, it's Jason, Jenelle, Me, Alex. (It should be noted that Jason and Nelle went on a date the weekend before this.) Jason tells us to close our eyes and imagine a bright ball of white light in between us. Alex and I start giggling. Jason gets mad and tries again. This is the conversation that ensued:
"Karaline, are you seeing it?"
"Yup."
"Alex?"
"Yeah, it's Jesus."
"*gigglesnort*"
"...We're gonna keep going."
That was when I felt Alex's lips on my cheek. So, of course, I turned my head toward him so he could kiss me in the right place. And that kept on happening because it was cute and sweet and really nice feeling.
Sometime after this, Andrew joins us and we all try to get Jenelle and Jason to make out. Jason passes out on the steps and asks for a blanket. Eventually, we get him back inside by telling him there's a giant bowl of guacamole for him. (Don't ask.) He passes out on the couch inside. Alex and I decide we're thirsty for water. We get some. Jenelle and I think it will be fun to freak everyone out, so we go into the bedroom and make sex noises really loudly. Then we give ourselves sex hair. When we go back out, we realize that no one cared because Knocked Up was on TV.
So we go to the kitchen to get vodka. Alex comes with us. We fix our hair and Alex asks adorable questions about Nelle's date with Jason. We all end up sitting on the kitchen floor drinking from the Smirnoff bottle and from a glass of water. We're just talking, but I don't really remember what the conversation is about. It wasn't that important.
By midnight, everyone's sitting on the kitchen floor playing Never Have I Ever and sobering up because we somehow drank $40 worth of alcohol in three hours. Mike is the drunkest of us all and is groping Nelle because her boobs are ginormous. She feels awkward and he just doesn't even know what he's doing.
Chris leaves. Mike goes outside with Jason and Andrew to puke his guts out. The rest of us stay inside because Alex, Nelle, and I have extremely weak stomachs and can't hear/see/smell puke without puking. Claire is locked in the bedroom because she's annoyed with us. (Stupid sober person.) We all sit on the couch. Alex and I attempt to fall asleep because being drunk makes us sleepy. It doesn't work because everyone's talking and making really funny jokes.
Kalah says she can take Mike home, but she doesn't want him to puke in her car. We consider letting him sleep in his car so he can puke all over his own stuff. He eventually crashes on the loveseat. The rest of us, except Claire, go outside and talk until 4 AM. Kalah leaves.
Around 5, Claire has enough and decides to have Andrew take her home. Alex plans on staying, but then he realizes he would have to stay in the living room with Pukey McPukeface (actual name we used for him) and goes with Claire and Andrew.
Jenelle and I finally get to bed around 5:30. Mike wakes us up at friggin' 9 AM to tell us he's leaving. He makes awkward statements about Kalah. Nelle gets him to leave. We go back to sleep until 1 PM. I stay and watch two movies and help her clean the apartment. I leave around 8, right as Alex is texting me to tell me he had a lot of fun.
A two and a half hour conversation about organized religion, politics, and school ensues.

Tuesday:
Alex had mentioned an improv show he was going to be in. I opened up the line of conversation by asking where it was and how much it cost to get in. I also asked him if I skipped choir to see his show, would he come to see me sing in a benefit concert. He, regrettably, informed me that he's going to be in LA the weekend of the concert. He also said going to class was probably more important, but I lied and said choir was canceled so he wouldn't feel bad when I showed up. :P
Jenelle and I decided to go to the show together because Alex was in it and Jason was going to be there. Claire also decided to come with us so she wouldn't be bored.
I nearly killed us getting to Downtown San Diego. It was great fun.
We got there, only to find that Mike was sitting with Jason. The dude just won't go away or get the hint. But the show was fantastic and Chris and Alex were the two funniest people in it. Mainly because they're not afraid to act like total weirdos for the sake of comedy.
Note: The show was a graduation show for the eight actors who managed to make it through all three levels of improv class. They were split into two teams. Chris and Alex were on the same team. The two teams competed, with improv games, for the most applause and laughter.
Alex's team won the competition. And when the score was announced, Alex, in his falsetto voice said, "That's US!" and screamed like a girl.
Jenelle and Claire both patted my leg at that point.
Anywho, the show ends, so we go outside for a meet and greet with the actors. We're all giving high fives down the line. I get to Alex and raise my hand for a high five. And he hugs me instead. And then he says, "You came!"
It was so cute.
Jenelle, Claire, and I go down to the sidewalk to figure out where to go to eat. Mike comes up to us and makes awkward jokes. We start talking about a really hot guy. He leaves. Then Alex comes jogging down to us and gives us all hugs and asks what we thought. We give him a thorough review of the show (consisting of, "It was awesome!" "You sucked." "Eh. I'm gonna be the happy medium. It didn't suck, but it wasn't great.")(Jenelle and Claire were joking. You can guess which sentence I said...haha.). We talk about this coming Saturday and make plans to all be at the party after the improv show. Then he has to leave to clean up the theater.

And now, since I opened up the line of conversation both Monday and Tuesday, I'm waiting for him to start talking to me. I will wait as long as I have to for him to notice that I've been silent.

It always works. :P

And that's the story so far. I'm sure there are little details I forgot. Like, you know, me randomly sticking my hand in his back pocket because he has a great ass. And renaming him Quentin because he looks more like a Quentin than an Alex. But those details aren't that important and, honestly, I can't really remember when they happened exactly. :D

In retrospect, this post is not very well named. I dunno about you guys, but I never got drunk and hooked up with random boys in preschool. Hahahahahah.

I love being reillusioned. :)))

Decisions, Decisions

2009-08-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

I have approximately $1500 available to me right now. This doesn't seem like much, I know. But it's enough for three things.

1. Deposit and first month's rent for an apartment
2. A round-trip ticket to Pennsylvania
3. Down payment on a car

I initially wanted to spend $500 to go spend my last week of summer in PA with everyone. That became an unreality quickly after the plans were set in motion for reasons I won't discuss.

I then started leaning on the apartment issue. I've found a couple apartments that are absolutely perfect and I'd like nothing better than to move in tomorrow. But I can't do that until...

I have a car.

Luckily, the perfect car was listed yesterday on autotrader.com. If all goes according to plan, I'll be driving it home tomorrow. $6500. I'll be paying a thousand. My parents will pay the rest. A loan from the bank will maybe pay them back. And then I'll pay the bank back over time.

I've made my decision. Car comes before anything else. But the apartment is my next priority. It'll be easier to pay for when I have financial aid. And maybe once I have all that settled, I can try and hop on a plane. :)

Thought-Provoking Day, It Would Seem

2009-08-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering about women. Are most, if not all, women somehow attracted to other women in some part of their brain?

Let me explain where this is coming from. I've joked about going gay, but I've never been serious. However...

Most heterosexual girls my age that I've talk to all agree that we're attracted to men with feminine features in their face. We're also attracted to what makes them inherently male, but when they have softer features, it's like a magnet for us. Some girls might disagree and say that sharp, masculine angles are what it's all about.

That makes me wonder what influences the choices in attraction we all have. Is it psychological? Societal? Genetic? Oedipal?

I immediately thought it was societal. Women have always been pressured into believing that we are only here to serve men, and since most heterosexual men enjoy watching girls get up on each other, perhaps we've started to seek out feminine-looking men. I don't think this can be proven, but I think it's an interesting study.

But it could also be psychological, couldn't it? If a girl grew up in an abusive home, if she was abused by her father, she will most likely be scared of men who remind her of him. (This is all hypothetical and based on conjecture alone, of course.) So, if her father was more of a man's man, she might seek out a guy who looks more girly because she'd feel safer. This route of thinking could be proven, but it's all based on circumstance, so probably nothing could come of it.

Last is genetic and Oedipal. Everyone knows what an Oedipus complex is, and it's more dominant in men than women, but it still happens. I do gravitate more toward men who are like my father because he's a good man with a good sense of humor and wonderful parenting skills. Who wouldn't look for a guy like that? But I find the personality attractive, so it's not exactly an Oedipus complex. Which brings me to genetics. Myself, I'm a fan of smiles and asses. My mother likes smiles and eyes. My aunt likes asses and eyes. You see what I'm getting at?
Maybe the things we're attracted to are inherited from those we came from.

But now the question remains: why do girls go for feminine men?

My friends, I have no answer for this.

Un-Rawr

2009-08-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

I would say, "I love it when everything works out," but not everything worked out. I'm hiding stuff from Jenelle and Claire now because I need to talk to Claire and Mike and...I just need to work out all that stuff, really, but as for where I stand with Mike, I think everything is worked out. We're on the same page.

I've never had a conversation with a guy about how much I'd like to do Helena Bonham-Carter and Brad Pitt...and have him agree with me whole-heartedly. Haha. And when he saw that the background of my phone said "In Your Pants" and "DFTBA," he was honestly interested and thought it was really cool once I'd explained it all to him. And he's a writer. He likes the social movement things, but also the slightly disturbing fantasy stuff. I, of course, recommended the Black Jewels Trilogy to him. And when I told him my parents were very right wing and that I was more in the middle, he just kissed me and said, "Rebellion is hot."

Going back to the writer part, though, it made me really happy. He completely understands the way books can influence your mood and how reading something really great can make you want to write for sixteen hours straight, just to try and match the greatness you just consumed. He also encouraged me to enter a competition and to send him some of my stuff because he's a grammar Nazi (just like me) and he'd love to help me out.

It all made me wish that guys closer to my age were that awesome.

Oh well. I'm moving out in November, and if we happen to decide that we do want more than sex and friendship, I'll just have to break it to my parents that he happens to be 27. I broke it to my mom yesterday that I wanted to get my nose pierced and she flipped a minor shit, but didn't tell me I couldn't get it done, so...

But that was a piercing. Not a guy. She was okay with Matt because she'd known him since he was 17/18. Unfortunately, after what he put me through, she might have an issue with me dating a guy that much older than me. I'll have to point out that he's more mature than guys my age and that Lauren Fairweather's dating a guy nearly 10 years older than her. So, really...

Hahahaha, I hope to God I never have to have this conversation with my parents. XD

Rawr Rawr Rawr

2009-08-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

The inner workings of human to human chemistry are beyond me, but at the moment, I'm really pissed about them.

So, I lose a guy and a best friend. I cry about it, I bitch about it, I blog about it. I'm over it. Almost. Now I need to rebound from it. Lo and behold, a new guy is provided by the fates. And that guy happens to like me. And I happen to like him. And we happen to have a shit ton of chemistry. Oh, and he's seeking a rebound as well.

It would be perfect if Claire hadn't called him. If I didn't have to incorporate Claire's feelings into this mess, my life would be simple. But no. The nervous butterflies and the pins of guilt are warring in my stomach right now. What do I say to him when I see him? Do I tell him that he's a guilty pleasure? Do I tell him I broke a promise to be with him?

The real question is, if I legitimately like him, is he even a rebound?

And, of course, in the middle of it all is a best friend who can't understand why I would break a promise in the first place. Because I don't. Ask anyone. I'm unreliable when it comes to due dates and birthday presents, but I'm anything but selfish.

And I did something completely selfish.

They can't comprehend it. "You mean, Karaline's a real human being? Gasp!"

Yes, my friends. I am more than a robot. I can be a bitch and I can be self-centered and I can blow off friends for a boy.

The fact of the matter is, this is a rare occurrence. When I'm a bitch, you probably deserve it. When I'm self-centered, I'm probably bluffing. When there's a boy I like, I bring him into my group of friends, and if he isn't scared off after that, he's probably a keeper.

I legitimately like Mike. I could say I don't care what happens if I pursue a relationship with him, but I can't. I do care. I don't care if Claire bitches about me or doesn't want to speak to me again. So long as she bitches TO me and not about me to someone else. That's what started my anger and, therefore, this blog. I don't give a shit what Claire does so long as she's open about it to me. What I care about is Jenelle. She doesn't know what to think or which side to be on. As far as she knows, I'm just a whore who breaks promises. It hurts to know that a best friend would automatically believe that assumption, but...that's life, I guess.

I hate to cut this short, but I need to leave in a few minutes to go look at an apartment with Jenelle. Hopefully, we'll be able to talk it all over. And maybe when I meet up with Mike afterward, I won't feel so guilty about feeling like this about him.

2009-08-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of adjectives. Life would be so boring without adjectives. So, when I went searching for the perfect word to describe every single thought and emotion going through me, I easily found the perfect fit.

Disillusioned: a freeing or a being freed from illusion or conviction; disenchantment.

I'm nineteen and disillusioned with life.

What all has led to this conclusion? Well, just a few realizations I've made over the past twelve hours:

Real friends are much harder to find than you might think, and you never know when they'll stab you in the back.
Sometimes, there really isn't a way when there's a will. Sometimes, you're really just fucked if you don't have the money.
People make mistakes all the time, and can only be forgiven if they feel bad enough about them.
The truth really does set you free, but with a heavy price.
No boy is worth crying over. They're only here to help populate the earth.
Sometimes there isn't a song to describe it, not matter how hard you look.
Real friends will always tell you the truth, even if it hurts both of you.
Real friends will also not condemn the truth-telling friend. Always value honesty.
There really isn't enough coffee in the world to fix it.
The only worthwhile ones are gay. Sorry.
Being where you belong is lot easier said than done.
Escaping is always futile. You can't outrun yourself no matter how hard you try.
You should never regret loving someone, but that doesn't mean you can't want to castrate him.
It really is impossible to love someone before your mid-twenties.
It's not worth the fight if the one you're fighting for also happens to be the one you're fighting.
Sometimes life sucks. Life doesn't care, so you might as well get over it.
No, alcohol won't help. It just makes you stupid and pays you back in the morning.
Big future plans usually get fucked over right before you can really do anything to put them in motion. Might as well just live for the moment and fuck planning.
Being an opportunist has its perks, and it's totally worth it for a while. And then you have to find a different opportunity to waste your time on.
Nerdfighters really are the greatest people on earth. It's just too bad I really don't get to hang out with them irl.

Disillusioned. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm angry about it. Furious. So mad that I can't cry or talk or do anything but rhyme on a piece of paper. There's no way to express it all except on paper.

I really do love adjectives, if only because I love the power of the written word. Writing has always been my escape. It helps a little. I'm slowly leaking everything out so that I can start again. I won't ever be enchanted by the world again, though. That's been ruined for me. But I can pretend and I can escape for short periods of time.

All I need in this life is a pencil and some paper.

December 1, 2009

2009-08-06T00:23:00.000-07:00

I'll get straight to the point.

My mom was offered a job in Seattle. If she can get them to up her salary to $80,000, she's going to take it.

I'm not sure where that leaves me. I mean, obviously, I'd stay here and go to Grossmont for the full year. But I don't know where I'll be living or if I'll stay after this year. But that's okay because I'm fully determined to go back to Etown after this year. I have this strange feeling that there are better opportunities out there for me.

That said, I'm giving up. I'm tired of everything the way it is now and I've wasted too much time. So, it's over. If I'm acting strange, that's why. It's because I'm done. It's because I can't possibly do this any longer.

For the occasion, I wrote a song that I'm not going to post here because it's useless anyway. Why bother trying anymore, right? I'm clearly just not worth it. Never have been.

Day Twenty-Four: On Goodbyes

2009-07-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to be ‘bad at goodbyes’? I mean, that could go so many ways. Some people might cry whenever they say goodbye, or some get depressed, or some get really clingy. But I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who does what I do. At least, I’ve never discussed it with anyone I know.

I rarely get distressed when it comes to saying goodbye. I’ve always thought of it as a temporary thing, so why get upset? I know when I say goodbye, I’m going to be able to say hello again at some point in the future. Call me an optimist or a religious zealot, but it’s just how I think about it. For example, when I first left for Pennsylvania, the only person I cried over was Teresa. When I left Etown to come home, the only person I cried over was Stepf. I didn’t even cry when I said goodbye to the girl I’d been living with the entire year—the girl I’d immediately become attached to and called family.

Does this make me bad at goodbyes?

I don’t think so. I think I have much better things to waste my tears on and more than one reason to be happy. Why cry over a temporary absence?

You’re probably wondering where this is coming from. No, I didn’t just randomly sit down and start thinking about this today. It was a couple days ago that I really looked at this issue with any real concern. But I felt like I needed to write it all down because now I’m dealing with more than just a temporary goodbye.

My great Uncle Larry died last night. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. It’s not like I was really close with him, but he did add so much laughter and happiness to family gatherings that I can’t help but be…bothered by this. But I didn’t cry. It didn’t even really hit me until just now. He’s gone. And I still can’t cry. I’m not terribly sad. I’m still able to laugh about the characters I’m reading about, and I’m still feeling normal and relaxed.

Maybe I really just started thinking about this when my mom asked me what was wrong with me.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I the real definition of ‘bad at goodbyes’?

Day Sixteen: Harry Potter

2009-07-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

Two words: Harry Potter.

Saw it at midnight with Jenelle, Claire, Brandy, and some chick whose name I still can’t remember. It was amazing. There are three scenes that are absolutely hysterical and so well acted that my entire impression of the movie was based solely on them. And then the romance between Harry and Ginny…my God, it was fantastic. It almost felt like their chemistry was so heated that it was improper to watch. Like it was one of those things couples do that just shouldn’t be in public. Something sweetly private. Not raunchy private. Just sweet. And kinda funny.
Remember kids: wear protection when tying shoelaces.

Anyway, the romance stuck with the book perfectly. Before the sixth book, all the romantic urges Harry has are kind of shadowed by the ‘OMGVoldemortisbackOMG’ factor. In the sixth one, though, the ‘monster’ inside Harry is mentioned frequently, and his notice of Ginny much more pronounced. The movie did an excellent job of bringing that out. Every so often, there are little scenes between Harry and Ginny that weren’t in the book but are totally perfect, so it doesn’t even matter if they were written beforehand or not.

Going back to the good acting part, I really think being on Broadway and on stage in London helped Dan Radcliffe. He kept to Harry’s character and delivered his lines sooo much better. Especially in the love potion scene and the Felix Felicis scene. They were played out exactly as I had imagined them—only better. And Rupert Grint in the love potion scene was amazing. He’s always been a talented actor and I think going out for other movies really helped him improve, too. Driving Lessons is one of my favorite movies because of him. And now he’s in Cherry Bombs, which I really want to see. As for Emma Watson, she finally learned how to control her overactive eyebrow syndrome. It’s much more enjoyable watching her now. She really is very pretty and talented. And her interaction with Rupert was awesome. They fully captured the awkwardness and the sweetness of Ron and Hermione’s relationship.

Bonnie Wright. Oh my God. I love her. I’ve always loved her. I’ve always thought she was gorgeous and perfect for Ginny. No one else believed me until they saw this movie. The first thing Claire said when she came on screen was, “Oh, she’s pretty now.” WRONG. She’s always been pretty, they just put make up on her to make her look young and ordinary. She was supposed to blossom in the sixth book. Rowling even emphasized how much she had changed in her looks by making the Slytherins mention her beauty. So, yeah. As usual, I was right. Hah.

Now for my favorite: Tom Felton. That kid is so awesome. He might not be as cute as he used to be (circa movies one and two), but he’s not ugly. And when he was in the bathroom crying, it was perfect. And the scene on top of the north tower. The way he looked sick and exhausted and desperate—perfect.

They all just really stepped up their game in this movie and it shows. I’ve seen it twice now and it’s still just as amazing. Hopefully, I’ll be seeing it again next weekend. :) Oh, Harry Potter. I love this stuff. Really, really love it.

Day Four: On Friendship

2009-07-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

I need to actually start posting these things, but I was so fed up with YouTube last night, that I failed in doing this.

Anyway, the topic of discussion today is friendship. I wrote two letters yesterday, one to Teresa and one to Coco. Long story short, the themes of the two letters were wildly different. But they made me think. I just started writing down all my thoughts of what I would like to say, and then more thoughts kind of came to me as I writing the first ones down, and by the time I was finished writing these letters, I was completely emotionally drained. It was really intense.

I talked to Matt last night after I got to thinking about all of it again, and I was crying and trying to figure out what to do, and he made everything better. I feel like I should write him a letter, too.

I’m not going to go into specifics because I don’t want to make this issue public, even if only a couple people actually read this. But I’ll put the general…idea out there. Teresa and I are having some problems. And maybe it’s my overactive imagination at work here, and maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion, but I am genuinely hurt by what’s going on. I’m not sure if it’s her issue or if it’s my issue, but I want to do something about it. That’s what talking to Matt did. It made me motivated enough to grow some balls and actually do something. We’re going to talk on Saturday and, hopefully, work out all our issues. Or possibly create newer, bigger ones. Either way, I know for a fact that I’m not just going to disappear from her life, no matter what stupid thing she does or whatever bitchy things I do, because she’s been a big part of my life for the last two years. Inconsistent, but still a part of it. I can’t fault her for that because I do the same thing. Out of sight, out of mind. But when I come back, everyone I’ve forgotten is still here waiting for me like nothing happened. That means everything to me. I hope it means just as much to Teresa.

My sophomore or junior year of high school, I got a list of quotes on friendship to use for some project or essay. I wish I still had those quotes, because they were beautiful. But I remember one because I wrote a blog about it the night I got the quotes: “A true friend doesn’t jump off the edge of a cliff with you; they wait at the bottom to catch you when you fall.”

I live by that quote. I always want to be waiting at the bottom. I always want someone waiting for me at the bottom. I don’t know how well I’m doing in this endeavor, but I know how many amazing people I have catching me when I fall, and that’s what helps me wake up every morning.

So, yeah. Friendship.

Thanks. It means a lot more to me than I ever say out loud. :)

Day Three: On Numbers

2009-07-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

I am always only a number.
I came to this realization on my way to work today. I’ve experienced what it’s like on both sides of the fence when it comes to numbers. In high school, I was a number and, after the first few weeks of school, a name. In Etown, I was a name. At Grossmont, I am a number.
There’s something about anonymity that makes me feel safer, though. Teachers don’t pay too close of attention, so I can get away with slacking off a little bit. Back in Etown, if I missed an assignment, everyone knew. If I failed a test, everyone knew. If I got an A paper, everyone knew. Do you see a pattern here? But, still, it was nice to be a name and a face and a person instead of just a number. I wasn’t just a list of credentials on a piece of paper. I was a person—a student.
I’m out of Etown now, and I’m in California. If I stay here, no matter what happens, I’m going to be a number at some college. CSU’s are too big, and small private schools might not accept me as a student. So I’m going to be a number if I stay here for college.
That’s college, but what about life after college? Well, that’s simple enough. I’m still a number. I have been since birth. I put it on all my work applications, college applications, and everything else of any official matter. And I have to pay to keep my numerical identification.
My social security number.
No matter what I do, who I am, or where I’ve been, I will always be a number assigned to me by the government at birth.
Therefore, I am always only a number.

Day Seventeen: Ughhhh.

2009-07-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

I swear I've been blogging every day. I just haven't been posting. But today that changes. I'll post everything I've written at some point. Later.

I woke up this morning, exactly ten minutes before my alarm, with cramps. Lovely, right? I thought so.

So I got up, went to the bathroom, took care of what needed to be done to make sure I didn't bleed out all over the place (which is really disgusting and hard to clean, by the way), and went out to the kitchen to take a handful of Midol 'cause I knew the cramps were only going to get worse. They always do. I then went back to bed, turned off my alarm, curled up into the fetal position as God's curse to women made itself known by way of intense uterine cramping, and picked up a book to read to distract myself until the Midol took effect.

I've heard women crave chocolate because it has caffeine and caffeine makes everything better. Therefore, I had a cup of coffee AND chocolate this morning. And now I'm chugging water because dehydration makes it worse. Which means bathroom trips every 45-60 minutes. And increased metabolism. So I'm hungry, thirsty, peeing, and in a constant state of, what I like to call, 'ugh.' Because the worst part of this first day is the feeling that your insides are turning to mush.

It's hard to explain how this feels.

It's not painful, not after the Midol or Advil kicks in. But there's this distinct feeling of grossness in the lower abdominal region. You know it SHOULD be hurting, but instead all there is is this discomfort that kinda makes you squirm because it's in between annoying and uncomfortable. But it doesn't hurt and it's not at the forefront of your mind. It's just there. You know it's there, but you can ignore it if you concentrate on something else. But the second you're done, it's there again. Like a tiny fly buzzing around in your brain.

For some reason, after all this happens, I start feeling like everything in my lower abdomen is one big, mushy pile of grossness. That hasn't hit me yet today, but I know it will. Especially if I'm standing or walking around. Sitting down, everything is okay. But, as I mentioned before, I have to pee a lot. So I'm getting up and walking and feeling like mush.

Ugh.

Blog Everyday in July: Day 2

2009-07-03T04:44:00.000-07:00

I already failed at my blog everyday challenge.

It's really not my fault that my 45 minute nap turned into a nine hour nap. Really, it isn't.

Anyway, the reason I was so tired was because I woke up in the middle of the night with a tune and words going through my head, and I had to write it down. I haven't bothered to fix the pentameter because I like it's rhythm as is. I'm fine with writing the music to the words.

There's no title yet. I've just been calling it Elizabethtown. Also, there are some verses that I want to put in, but they don't fit yet, so...I'll try my best with this to make it work.

Elizabethtown

How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me

RHPS at midnight
In spring, flying kites
Dance parties in the halls
"I'll kick you in the balls"
Non-carnivorous fish
What more can I say?

How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me

Hardcore creepin'
"I'm fuckin' sleeping"
Police lights to Philly
All for Alex Day
Driving in snow
For Matt Maggiacomo

How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me

One Sneeze Fail
What an epic tale
Days of silence
Pregaming is intense
Marriage proposals
And strange animals

How could I forget?
How could I forget?
Don't forget about me

I'll come back
I'm counting down the days
To see all your faces
All your smiles
'Cause I'll never forget

Music at midnight
Roommate lovin'
GLBT rights
All-night energy drinks
Friends that I have made
That became my family

I'll never forget you
I'll never forget you
Don't forget about me
Please don't forget about me.

End

I really need more Arslan stuff in there. I kind of just chose the big things that everyone remembers, but I want to add something about incense, late night walks, and photo shoots. Maybe vampires and slut-eating trees, too. I need more Nick and Arslan in the song. That's it. And more Sedrick. I should add something about muffins.

This song is never going to end.

Blog Everyday in July: Day 1

2009-07-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm really starting this off with a bang:
I've got nothing to talk about!

Well, not really, anyway. I could talk about Harry Potter, but I'll be doing that the fourteenth and fifteenth days. I could also talk about work, but that's boring. I could talk about physics, but that's even more boring.

Hum. What to talk about...

Music, I guess. Coco had an epic fail, so nothing's been written yet. But, the song Nicole made for OMLS needs harmonies, so we're trying to figure out how to do a three-part harmony mix of it and have it be, like, the theme music. I seriously freakin' love that song. ('Cause this is one, O-N-E Madlib Summer, if you want, want to sing with me...) I wish I could just pull a song out of my ass like that. God.
I wrote more lyrics. One's called Beautiful People. I'm still working out the second one in my head. It'll be dedicated to all my Etown peeps, though, so it'll probably have a lot of inside jokes. I'll definitely have to write the music for that one myself. And learn how to play guitar...
Anyone wanna tutor me? :P

That actually brings me to my next news for the day: I got my first paycheck! Three days of work = $200. I LOVE MY MOTHER.
I'll be giving about $45 of it to my parents for using their money for recent purchases, but the rest is mine. :) I'm going to save fifteen for the Harry Potter movie, stick most of it in the bank, then use the rest to buy books. Nerdfighter win.

Speaking of Nerdfighters, I feel like I really belong in Nerdfighteria this summer. I'm working to get brand new heart monitor software out to the public, decreasing the size of my carbon footprint by carpooling with my mom, AND I'll be doing a lot of charity work, like food drives, and breast cancer walks. I think I've truly embraced what it means to be a nerdfighter. It's a lot more than just being intelligent, awesome, and well-read. It's about actually making a difference, even if it's only to one or two people. :)
I love being a nerdfighter.

Completely unrelated note:
I dropped the bomb on everyone yesterday. I've only been away for two months, and I had already forgotten how much those people mean to me. I was really considering not going back until I talked to Arslan and Stepf. That was when I remembered everything. I remembered why I loved it out there and why I can't stay away from those people for too long without going crazy. I didn't cry until Arslan told me the sweetest things about how he wished he'd told me goodbye with a giant hug instead of just the regular hug(s) he did give me. I didn't know I meant so much to him until he said so, and that was when it truly hit me that I HAVE to go back. They're my family just as much as my friends out here. I love being home and I love having unplanned moments and random kidnappings, but I also love living with forty other people and creating one huge, dysfunctional, incredible family.

Sigh.

Well, for the year that I'm here, I'm going to make the most of it. I've been listening to All Time Low for a while now, and I think my favorite line is from their song 'Weightless.' It really describes how I'm going to live for the next year until I can be back on the east coast.

"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year."

Blog Everyday in July...?

2009-06-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Do I get a theme song, too? :D

I know it's not July yet, but I'm going to rip off Alex Day (because I love him and he's awesome) and blog every day in July. Even if I don't have anything to talk about. I'll do it. I mean, c'mon, Alex talked about looners (mind you, it was the funniest video I've probably ever seen in my life).

Here's what I've got in mind:
If I don't have anything exciting to report on for one day, I'll post an opinion of some sort and expand upon my beliefs. In short, an opinion essay. Don't be scared, though, I tend to make my opinions quite sarcastic in writing.
If I can't think of an opinion and nothing exciting happened, I'll post either a poem, song, or short story.
If none of those are options, I'll ramble about whatever the hell I want to. :D I may even google strange sex fetishes and discuss them. You never know.

That said, I'll see you in July.

<3 Monday, One Madlib Summer

The Logistics of Song-Writing

2009-06-28T15:45:00.000-07:00

I’ve always considered myself a lyricist. I can write lyrics to a full song in the span of half an hour when I put my mind to it. Adding the music has always been the hardest part—in fact, I’d sort of given up on trying to compose actual music to go with all these lyrics I wrote. But not today. Nay, today I will conquer my inadequacies and write the music for the song that really matters.
Yesterday, some things happened that I never thought would. Words cannot express how unbelievably happy I am that these things happened. However, now all I can think about is what happened. I can’t seem to get it out of my mind, no matter what I do. I want it to happen again, and then some. It’s something I really want. So, naturally, I wrote a song about it.
I didn’t know what to call this song. To be honest, I stole a lot of the ideas for it from one of my first songs, called Spider Game. I wrote the song for a special someone, to let him know that he had broken my heart. In this new song, which just happens to be for the same person, I reference Spider Game. In fact, the first line of the chorus has the exact words ‘spider game’ in it. So, I finished writing the lyrics and I sat there for a while, just staring at it, trying to come up with a title. And then it hit me.

Spider Game Part II

You’ve got dirty talk down to a science
You shouldn’t make me want you like this
Lying next to you, my head on your shoulder
Like water to fire, your lips at my ear
I’ve got this penchant for you
It’s been years – how do you get me like you do?

Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed

I really can’t take you not being near
Memories in my mind arise very clear
Lying under you, my hands on your shoulders
Like brushes of fire, your lips at my ear
I’ve got this longing for you
It’s been hours – how do I go on without you?

Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed

Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed

I’m getting hotter, and you’re getting close
To figuring me out, but these clothes
Are in the way
Of our web-weaving game
Let’s dance tonight and get tangled up
We’ve built this for years – come play with me, my love

Said I wouldn’t play your spider game
But I’m trapped in the web you’ve weaved
Around me, and I’m fighting to stay sane
While you’re making me feel crazed.

End

I guess there’s really no need to be secretive about what happened yesterday. I kind of put it all in the song. But it’s probably not what you think. In fact, this song doesn’t quite express the sweetness and the kindness of what went on. I’ve never felt so secure or beautiful in my life, and nothing even happened. At least, not what we wanted to happen. :P
Anyway, since Coco was the first person to know what happened, and she’s musically inclined, I asked her for help in writing this song. So far, we’ve got the time signature and the key signature. I’m guessing we’ll work everything out tomorrow night when we actually have a keyboard, haha.
My biggest issue (aside from needing to write music) is Spider Game (the original). I can’t post Spider Game Part II without having a Part I, you know? So, I guess I should find my old lyrics notebook and work something out for that one. Either that, or I could rename Part II. It’s an option, but only if I don’t write Part I. Otherwise people will be like, “WTF, WHERE’S PART ONE?!?!?1”
I don’t want to deal with that.
So I’ve got two choices.
Decisions, decisions…

My New Reputation

2009-03-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not a morning person. Never have been, never will be. My friends and family back home know not to talk to me when I first wake up because, hello, I don't like waking up. Even if it's four in the afternoon. The point is, people usually don't talk to me when I first wake up because I have no control over how grumpy I am.

My roommate figured it out pretty quickly. If we happened to wake up at the same time, she knew I wasn't in a good mood, and she knew I was still half asleep after first waking up. I said and did some bitchy things. BECAUSE I HAD NO CONTROL OVER IT. I was still partially asleep, for crying out loud.

At first when she mentioned that I was a bitch when I first woke up, I agreed. I wasn't always mean, though. But when someone woke me up roughly or without caution, I tended to be meaner than usual. She was right about calling me out on it. No big deal. But then she kept on saying things, and more people joined in, even though they'd never actually seen me be mean. These people mean the world to me. They're my family when I'm over here. And they just jumped onto the bandwagon.

Nick thought I was asleep yesterday when he said I was like Medusa when I first woke up. If I looked at someone, they turned to stone. He joked that he wanted to wait in the room one day, and then run out screaming when I woke up.

I've always known Nick's an asshole, and I probably would have thought it was funny if he hadn't said it while he thought I was asleep. If he'd said it to my face, it might not have hurt as much as it did.

Last night, I started book four in a new series that Nick, Stepf, and I are reading. I started reading around 3:30 AM (everyone was up late because of the Relay for Life) and I didn't stop until about 6:30 because the book had me so wrapped up. I fell asleep around 7 and slept until 2:30 this afternoon. I woke up because Nick had come into the room to talk to Elisabeth.

All I did was turn over, smile, and wave at him. Nothing mean. Nothing bad.

He fake screamed and ran out of the room while Elisabeth laughed.

And I turned back over and cried for the better part of half an hour.

Emotional Turmoil

2008-11-09T18:57:00.000-08:00

I'm so...confused.

It's clearly not cheating if I go on a date with another guy. We were never officially together.

So why does it feel like something to be ashamed about?

Ugh.

So...I know no one reads this...I might as well be canon.

I love Matt. Like, true, bonafied love. It's been this way since I was fifteen. That's almost a whole three years.
This summer, we were kind of a faux couple. We went on dates and we kissed and everything. I'm never so comfortable with guys as I am with Matt.
We agreed when we finally admitted that we liked each other that none of the couple-y stuff between us would last long distance. It just wasn't realistic and we knew that. He also knew that college life would be crazy and that he couldn't tie me down. I wouldn't have minded. I feel tied down anyways.

It's just so weird! I try to look at guys as potential date material, and all I get from myself is, "He's nice to look at, but definitely not date worthy."
And all the other guys are brothers to me. There's no way I could look at them any differently. It's totally platonic.

And then I met Derek. I was chilling with Lauren Fairweather and he stopped by to ask her something about Vocalign (the co-ed a capella group on campus). When he mentioned he was arranging an a capella version of 'Don't Stop Believin',' I freaked out and told him it was my favorite song and that I really wanted to try out for Vocalign. We started talking music (making fun of Melica, fangirling (kind of) Phalanx, and sharing community chorus woes) and found out that we had a lot in common. By the time I got back to my dorm, he had friend requested me on facebook.

From there, we talked over facebook, in choir, and when he would stop by my dorm.

Today was one of those 'stop by my dorm' days. Elisabeth is gone at some kind of band competition (what a dork, I know) with the guy who likes her (if they make out in my car, I'm going to castrate them both). So, Derek stopped by to show me a medley he's arranging for Vocalign, and to tell me that auditions are in two weeks. We ended up talking for about half an hour about Harry Potter, music, and facebook/youtube creeping. Then, on his way out, he turned and asked what my schedule was like for this week. I asked him why and he said he was wondering if I'd like to go to dinner with him.

When those words left his mouth, my stomach dropped. I'm pretty sure most of the blood in my face drained, too.

It's not like I wasn't expecting it. That's not it at all. Derek's nice, musically-inclined, and not bad looking. And he's a little obvious. But that's beside the point.

I knew he was going to ask me out eventually.

But it still came as a shock to me.

I said yes.

And here's my dilemma: How do I go on a date with a guy I kind of know when I know my heart's back in California with Matt?

I subconsciously went on boy hiatus when I moved. I didn't mean to. Matt told me not to. He told me to live my life.
I'm just so freakin' in love with him that I can't stop myself!

I feel like I've said this before.

Have I said this before?

God.

Random...?

2008-10-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

I REALLY screwed up my pattern, haha. :P

So...what's been going on since September? I'll fill you in in sentence fragments that won't make sense to anyone but those directly involved:

1. Person Profile = meeting Derek = shoo-in for Vocalign next semester!
2. COMING OUT WEEK! :D
3. "She licks me at night."
4. Extreme creepin' = "Come clooooser!"
5. Dressing like dorks two days in a row.
6. Homecoming.
7. Tripping up risers (they'll murder me eventually).
8. SMeyer bashing with Lauren
9. The Virgin Mary Had a Baby Boy --> OH YEAH.
10. Cosmo..."Kool-Aid Man? Really?"
11. Rock Band amazingness.
12. "You're an asshole."
13. "I don't think it's common practice to cut off little boys' balls anymore."
14. "I lost my ID card in Leffler..." "No, we don't have it." - ONE HOUR LATER. - "Oh, by the way, we have your ID card."
15. Roommate lovin'. :)

Yeah, basically, it's been pretty crazy. Today was the first day I didn't take/need a nap. It was awesome. It was also probably because I actually went to bed before the sunrise. :P

Post questions in the comments and I MIGHT elaborate on all this.

<3 Awkward Sister #5

C0113G3

2008-09-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

I messed up my pattern. Damn it.

Oh well.

Quick update (even though you probably know most of this from the vlogs):
1. Nerf Gun wars
2. Team-making = not me!
3. Piano = slow suicide
4. Random hour-long conversations with Lauren at dinner
5. Planning to see John and Hank Green at a Nerdfighter convention
6. Wizard rock!
7. Awesome roommate
8. Awesome roommate acquiring notsome boyfriend. :(
9. Sheetz runs at 4 AM
10. Gossip Girl parties every Monday
11. Watching Princess Bride (right now)
12. Making fun of DeWitt(less) after (and sometimes during) choir
13. Being part of Hot and Dreamy Horny Dinosaurs
14. Having awesome friends like Jackie, Sam, Joe, and Elisabeth. My framily. :)

I had this randomly awesome conversation with Lauren today at dinner. We sat in the caf for, like, an hour...not eating. She's gonna take me to a wrock concert sometime this semester. And we're going to the Yule Ball at Nina's college. And the Twilight premier/wrock concert in Jersey (hopefully with Teresa, if we can sleep on the floor of the hotel room Lauren and Nina are getting).

Also, about 45 minutes ago, my mom bought me a phone off ebay...so, hopefully, that'll come soon and I'll be able to tell what time it is again. Haha.

I don't have much more to say right now. I'm supposed to be reading "The Trouble with Africa," so...yeah.

Good night!

<3 Karaline, Awkward Sister # 5

PS: Skype me! fatty.slytherin

Day Two: EPIC FINISH

2008-08-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

Well, okay, it's not really finished. Day two is, but we still have the rest of the week to go.

It's hard to walk right now. And stand up. And go up and down stairs (damn it, why am I am on the second floor?!). You should see me trying to crawl into my bed. Hahahaha. It's raised to about my waist and I have to swing one leg over and pull the rest of me up using the opposite side of the mattress. It's pretty epic.

Day three tomorrow! 6:30 AM practice, breakfast at 8 AM, cleaning my crap off Elisabeth's bed before she has to move in 8:30-10:30 AM, lunch at 11:30 AM, 12:30 PM practice, check-in and registration for honors students at 3:15-4:30 PM, dinner at 5:30 PM, 6:30 PM practice.

Yikes. I still have to go to the grocery store and get my ID validated. :P Yay volleyball!

At least I'll have time to recover (kind of) on Thursday. All the honors freshmen are gone all day for HOOT. Don't ask me what it stands for. But there's a ropes course involved and I'm STOKED. Jesus Camp got me all addicted to adrenaline rushes and stuff. Haha. I'm like movie!Edward now. :D

That's about it. Just wanted to give you west coast people an update. ;D

If you want more information on how I am, go watch my vlog!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4e7UhG8WEo

<3 Karaline

And the winner is...Stephenie Meyer!

2008-08-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

Soooo much to talk about!!!

But first...

SPOILER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, a few of my Breaking Dawn predictions came true, but I was still completely surprised by a LOT of things. Like, you know, Edward actually producing sperm. I'm still trying to figure that one out. I'm thinking it has to do with sperm not actually being a bodily fluid. I'll have to find out from Stephenie, of course, because it really confused me when Bella got preggers.

But anyways, I LOVED the beginning! Edward and Bella's wedding was amazing--until Jacob showed up, of course--and even Rosalie was helping Bella get ready. It was very well done. Like, there was detail, but not too much because, from Bella's point of view, all the emotions were creating a haze around her.

Now, the honeymoon....It's hard to describe how I feel about it. I'm still confused, of course. But more than that, I'm a little pissed. There was not ONE detail. It was always, "And pulled us gently into deeper water..." and shit like that.

We know they had sex, Stephenie, now channel Nora Roberts and GIVE IT SOME DETAIL.

Ahem. So, yeah, some of my favorite quotes came from the times right after they had sex. Like the, "I bit a pillow. Or two." I laughed hysterically at that one. It's so not Edward. And my other favorite was when they were commenting on her shredded lingerie. XD It was great.

And then came the random pregnancy. WTF. I thought Bella was going to die, and then Edward would die, and then Jacob would find out and try to kill the Cullens and start a huge war over it. It freaked me out. But when Jacob decided to become the Alpha, I knew the prospect of a werewolf vs. vampire war was out. Damn it.

Jacob's point of view was...interesting. I really enjoyed his way of thinking compared to Bella's. Jacob's so sarcastic and filled with blond jokes. It was funny when he wasn't stressing over the 'monster' destroying Bella.

I actually read through all that again last night and I didn't know how I'd missed the obvious. He called Bella a drug and that it was more like he was addicted to the center of her. And when Renesmee was born, he had that feeling like he had to leave the room because the pull to be with her had shifted. I SHOULD have caught that. Then maybe the end of Jacob's POV wouldn't have surprised and disgusted me so much. I mean, now I can't make fun of Quil. His soul mate might be only two years old, but at least she's fully human. God, Jacob, couldn't you have imprinted on the girl in the park at least?

Oh well. The Aston Martin was in the book, so I can't really complain about Jacob's choice of soul mate.

So, I kinda ruined the end of book 2 for myself. Jacob thought Bella was dead, but I'd already looked ahead and seen that book 3 was from Bella's point of view. So I knew she lived.

Damn me and my curiosity.

But book 3 was probably one of the best. Bella finally became a vampire! And Emmett's sex jokes were possibly the funniest thing I've ever read. Oh, Emmett. You gotta love that kid.
And Jasper! Holy crap! When Charlie was coming to visit and Bella and Jasper kept going back and forth, I just started cracking up!

'We'd have all night...
"Bella."
"Sorry Jasper."'

Omg. Perfect.

None of the other Twilight books made me cry. Well, okay, I might have cried a little when Edward left in New Moon. But that was more pity for myself than for Bella. But in Breaking Dawn, I really cried. Only once. It was during the scene in the clearing with the Volturi. Everyone was saying goodbye.
It hit kinda close to home. In exactly one week, I'll have to do the same thing. Say goodbye to everyone I know and love on the west coast. In the book, it was a permanent goodbye, I know, but it still impacted me. Seriously. I was sobbing. It started right when she told Renesmee she loved her and explained to Jacob what they had to do if a fight broke out. It just seemed so real to me--that feeling of never seeing someone you love ever again. And I could imagine it from Bella's point of view, too. She was giving up her child. 'More than my own life.'

So sad.

But at least it had a happy ending. I mean, really. Only the best books end with implied sex. Note the word 'IMPLIED.' >:|

I believe my exact words, when she glossed over the sex every time, were, "Fuckin' Stephenie fuckin' Meyer! Fuckin' fuck fuck!"

Ask Reesa. I said it every time. That's how she knew Edward and Bella were going to get it on again. Because I would have a hissy fit every time. :P

We didn't even get detail on how Edward looked naked. Jeez! All we got was that he was gorgeous naked! And that he's a horny bastard! Gahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I'm done now. I guess I'll have to total my score...see what I was right or wrong about when I was making predictions. =/ It's so sad that it's over...but I still have many things to figure out, I guess. That'll take some time.

<3 Karaline

Blog Post 3: Breaking Dawn Predictions

2008-07-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

I know Lucy won't understand this, but this is mainly for me so I can get all my thoughts out.

Breaking Dawn Predictions:

#1:
After the wedding, Edward and Bella get it on. Meyer won't put in much detail because then the book would be shelved as an adult romance novel instead of a young adult romance novel. Which sucks because I want detail of just how stunningly sexy Edward is naked.

#2:
While Edward and Bella are on their honeymoon, the rest of the Cullens move away from Forks so they don't break the treaty.

#3:
Edward bites Bella before Jacob can stop it from happening. [Insert epic battle between Edward and Jacob] Bella stops them before they kill each other and Jacob runs away again because Bella's a bloodsucker. While running, he imprints on someone.

#4:
Once a vampire, Bella struggles to remain herself instead of a blood-sucking fiend. Edward helps her.

#5:
Enter the Volturi. [Insert general epic-ness that answers the question of why the Volturi's skin is so papery]

#6:
The entire book will be epic and will end happily forever after with Edward and Bella, and Jacob and some other girl. :D

I'm hoping the werewolves and vampires go at it at some point. Edward breaks the treaty, but if the Cullens move away...plus, Seth is friends with Edward and Jacob's in love with Bella...so...I dunno. Something will happen. An impasse. Hopefully.

That's all for today! I'll wait until August 4th to say if my predictions come true. :)

<3 Karaline

PS - I'm done for this month! *wipes sweat off brow*

Blog Post 2: Parties at Midnight

2008-07-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

There's one more after this, so hold onto your horses. Karaline is FAR from being done.

Tomorrow night is the Breaking Dawn release party. It seems strange to me that this time last year, I was still hyped up about Deathly Hallows. It's also strange that just over one month ago, I picked up Twilight and New Moon in an act of rebellion and boredom and ended up falling in love. One month.

For Harry Potter, it took me four books and six years to fall in love. Maybe because Jo Rowling doesn't write sexy vampires into her books (I think the only vampire we ever meet in Harry Potter is the one at Slughorn's party, actually). I don't know. But it does bug me when people say Stephenie Meyer is the new JK Rowling. They're complete opposites. Rowling created an entire universe centered around this poor, unfortunate boy who has to defeat another poor, unfortunate boy who's had a lot more time to train. Meyer took a familiar setting, placed familiar people in it, and added a bit of mythology and romance.
Both of them are amazing. I love them both for giving me so many hours of entertainment and so many characters to fall in love with.
But that's about all they have in common. Good stories, good characters, good personalities, and a lot of money.
So, really. The next JK Rowling? Give me a break. There's only one JK Rowling and there will never be another.
Likewise, there's only one Stephenie Meyer and she's good enough on her own to be thought of independently from Rowling.

Back to what I was saying: Midnight Release.

Reesa just informed me today that Barnes and Noble is doing the Prom theme again. On one hand, I'm excited because I missed the Eclipse Prom. On the other hand, I'm bummed because I just finished this really amazing softball shirt that has quotes and 'Team Edward' and everything on it.
But I've made a compromise. I'm going to wear a dress UNDER my shirt. And my walking boot. Because I AM Bella. Reesa and I discussed this already.
OR, I could wear a skirt with my shirt and just have on Converse. Reesa's just wearing jeans and her shirt. But if everyone shows up wearing fancy shmancy stuff, I don't wanna feel left out.

This leads us to our next topic: How long should I wait in B&N?
Last year, I showed up around 7 and was #156 in line. And I missed everything but the costume contest (I wasn't dressed up as anyone, so that was an automatic 'no'). But still, I only waited 5 1/2 hours to get my book.
This year, we're thinking of showing up at 9:30 in the morning to get our places in line, and then coming back around 5 PM so we don't miss the discussions. Because I'm SO pumped for an Edward vs. Jacob debate. You don't even know.
Edward wins in the end. Stephenie even said so. Bella and Edward get married. Jacob doesn't stop the wedding.

But that brings me to...my next blog. :P

Blog Post 1: My Mom Got a Blog

2008-07-31T14:37:00.000-07:00

Topic of today's post? Exactly what the title is.

Her first blog entry was a rant about what to think about before voting in November. This should be interesting. Mainly because throughout high school, I became more moderate conservative and she's ridiculously right wing. Like, hxc conservative. It's that whole thing where the youth of America are more liberal than our older counterparts. I guess it's true. High school made me see that I can't be close-minded towards other people's beliefs. I still hold true to my own, but it's not a bad thing to learn about others. It's healthy to question yourself and your beliefs every once in a while.
So, whereas I've had four years to really cement my political views, she's had thirty-something years. It would be hard to get her to change her ideals now. But mine can easily be changed. I'm still questioning myself.

Which is probably why I hate watching the news with my mom. She always comments and it seems so narrow-minded to me, that I just get irritated. I happen to love watching the Colbert Report with her because he makes fun of people like her, but she can still laugh at it.

Colbert brings politically diverse families together.

That's it for this entry. I'll have another one today. I have to keep up my pattern of 3-5-3-5-3-5. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check my archives.

<3 Karaline

Robert Pattinson = <3

2008-07-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

So, thanks to Danielle Morebello, I got to see Robert Pattinson in the flesh (amazingly handsome flesh, I might add). I arrived at Comic-con at around 11:20 AM (REALLY late), registered as quickly as possible, and ran down to the line for Hall H. It was about two miles long, but then I saw Danielle and Stephanie Bond (and her adorable baby) and they let me cut in line. Five minutes later, I was anxiously looking for a seat. The most seats they had all together were 3...there were 6 of us. So Danielle and two other girls took those seats and the rest of us continued searching. I managed to find a seat in between a big group from Twatlight and two best friends who were huge Twilight fans. I made some friends, got some Goldfish, and made myself comfortable for a long wait.
At around 2 PM, the cast of Twilight finally came out on stage. Everyone lost it when Rob came out. Including me. I screamed like a little bitch. Not lying.

The moderator asked all the practical questions, and then he opened it up for Q&A. I RAN all the way to the line, only to find out that about thirty girls had already lined up beforehand and I had to go to the very back. I was pissed. Like, getting-caught-at-the-red-light-at-Mission-Gorge pissed. It was bad. And, of course, all the girls who got up to the mic were like, "Oooh, Rob, I love you!" and other stupid things like that. >:| It was ridiculous. Rob didn't even know what to do half the time he was up there. What do you say to 6500 screaming girls who all want to let you know they love you?
Rob's response:
"Good."

XD

I love that man. I seriously wish I was friends with him so I could just hang out with him. He would fit into my group of friends so well. Actually, he's kind of me in male form. I don't need drugs or alcohol to act the way I do. Neither does he. Everyone from Twatlight thought he was high. I disagree. I think he was just scared shitless by rabid fangirls and didn't know how to explain himself. He's not the most articulate man in the world (even though Edward totally is). He's also rarely serious (which Edward definitely is), which makes people think (even more than usual) that he's stoned. Gahhh. I don't understand it. Why am I not famous? I could be Bella. I could be a really GOOD Bella (clumsy, liable to fall in love with vampires and werewolves, always attracting strange injuries...). AND I'm a brunette.

Yeah. I'm Bella.

Now where the flying fuck is my Edward?

Ahem. Anyways, back to Rob.
In short, he's made of awesome and I'm completely in love with him. Teresa better become famous someday and do a movie with him. And then introduce me. And then I can have his gorgeous, half-British children. (LOL--beat you to it, Cho!)

I got tons of video of his adorableness, but I can only put up pictures on here... :( You'll have to survive with that.

Love,
Mrs. Karaline Pattinson (? I think so.)

New York and Reno

2008-07-05T15:55:00.000-07:00

Do you know how much shit you can get away with in New York? I was in bars every night, the bartenders knew I was 18, and they still offered me alcohol.

Wow.

Aside from that, I had an amazing trip! We saw three shows on Broadway, ate at Sardi's and Balthazar, and got to go backstage for one of the shows. Most of the time, I was hanging out with the musicians from Jersey Boys (which is how we got backstage), but I did meet two very interesting people in a bar called 'Chealsea's Grill'. Michael Lanning and his wife Maureen. They were amazing. Michael is one of the singers in the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Maureen is an actress on Broadway and on TV. Maureen and I shared a lot of common interests, such as the amazingness of Avenue Q (which I coerced Markie into taking me to) and the love of Law & Order: SVU. She was actually called in to be a dead body on SVU, but she wasn't pale enough. LOL.

New York was fun, but I wish Lucy and Teresa had been with me. It would've been even MORE amazing if they'd been there. I would have done all the shopping stuff and all the fangirling stuff. :(

Someday. Maybe.

RENO!
My team won our division! The LOWEST division! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
XDXD

We played 4 days out of 5 and the first 3 days we were 1 and 2 consistently. On the last day, we won all three matches! 3 and 0!

If that made no sense, this is basically what I just said:
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday we played three matches each day. Out of those three matches, we only won one of them.

So, yeah, my high school volleyball career is officially over. I nearly cried when I said it out loud. These past five years have been so amazing. I've met some amazing people and made some very good friends.
This year was the best, though. It started out a little rocky, but by the time we got back to San Diego, we were all hugging and laughing and making plans to get together during the last 6 weeks of summer.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I'm writing a story based on my blog ramblings/real-life experiences. The fourth chapter happened to be open when I booted up my laptop in Reno's airport and Laura asked what it was. I told her it was a story I was writing and the next thing I knew, it was like pre-school all over again. Laura had my laptop in her lap and she was sitting on the floor with the team surrounding her and listening to her read. It was better than getting reviews on fictionpress. I could actually SEE their reactions and HEAR their laughter and 'aww's. It was amazing. Lindsay even said that her favorite part was the 'in my pants' part. MY favorite part happened just after that, but...you know. :P

I think that's all I have to say about NY and Reno. Both trips were amazing and fun and unforgettable.
Now onto college! Yayyyyy!

When I got home, I had a huge packet of info from Etown, including all my email and ECWeb log-in stuff. I finally got my roommate survey done AND my email account set up AND my facebook network page updated. Not to mention, I almost have my ID number memorized. Haha.
I had to email one of my professors and he sent me back a survey to complete. But I got distracted by facebook about an hour ago and now I'm writing this instead of the survey.

Whoops.

I'll finish it before I go to bed tonight. Haha.

So, I counted how many days there are until I move. Not counting today, I have 35 days left. Which means I REALLY need to start packing. lol. I procrastinate way too much. Teresa's already done with packing. Mostly.

Ugh.

That's it for today. I'm a little scattered 'cause I'm tired (still recovering from a week of volleyball). Sorry.

I'm off to pack/finish the survey/goof off on facebook/memorize my ID number! Love ya!

<3

Where I Stand On Fairytales

2008-06-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

Coco said my unplanned moment was like a fairytale.

And I suppose it would have been had it not been so bittersweet. I wish I could have a hell of a lot more unplanned moments like that. But after July, I can't.

Which is why it's not exactly a fairytale.

At least, it's not one I've ever heard of.

In fact, it's kind of like Grimm got bored at the end of my fairytale and decided to fuck me over.

Fucking Cinderella got to move into the fucking castle with her prince. I get to move 3000 miles away.

Fuck my life. (LOL--Superbad reference!)

<3 Kare

Spinning Stars on my Fingernails

2008-06-15T17:55:00.000-07:00

Last night was incredible. Or, well, I guess it was this morning, haha. It's all thanks to Lucy for talking him into it. Lucy, you have no fucking idea how grateful I am that you did that. Seriously, I was going to go on with my life without ever knowing if it was one-sided or not. And now I know it's not and it feels like...like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I've held onto this love for him for three years and it's finally been justified. It hasn't just been me feeling these things. He's been feeling them, too. He even told me that he's never felt the way he does around me with anyone else. And he and I are just so connected. We talked for about 45 minutes early this morning (around 12:15 AM) and he said everything that I've been thinking. We can't be together because we want more than just two months together. We're not going to tie each other down because that just wouldn't be right. We're not going to keep a long-distance relationship because that's just not how we work. It's all bad timing (notice how he used the same terminology as me).

But you know what's amazing? We spilled our hearts out to each other and nothing changed between us. We were still best friends. We're still able to laugh and make sexual suggestions without it being awkward. At all. And we can be open about our attraction for each other now, which makes it a lot easier to joke and flirt with him. I love that. I really, really do. Because if I had lost my best friend because of this, I would have been crushed.

He told me, however, that if/when I come back to CA, and if we're both single, we can try it. If there's still something there, he wants to see if what we have can take us to places we've never been before. And hopefully that same chemistry will be there in four years. And hopefully we'll reach a place called love. That love every girl dreams about. That love every musical artist sings about. I think we could have that some day and I'm going to hold onto that.

But you want the juicy details, right? Not just some description of the emotional roller coaster
I went on this morning. :P

We finished talking about everything and he walked me to the door. My mom was awake (and on facebook, no less), so she let us in and we talked for a while about facebook and how I'm not going to add her until I'm safely across the country. Then Matt and I tried to figure out a day we could hang out on and that led to discussion of how the entire month of August is booked for him. He said he was taking a philosophy course and I told him to call me (as long as it's late at night) for help because I'm very thoughtful and philosophical when I'm half asleep.

Generally what went down after I said that:
"Really? You're philosophical when you're tired? Tell me, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? In your mind?...In your nose...?"
I grinned and asked, "In my pants?"
He burst out laughing, pulled me outside onto the front step, said, "I love you," and kissed me.

To be honest, I was a little distracted during this kiss. You see, I've never actually kissed someone with facial hair before. It's...distracting. Like, I thought it was going to scratch my face off, but then I thought that was absurd and decided I could get used to it. And by the time I was done thinking about that, he was pulling away and saying good night. So I didn't even really get to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy it. But his stubble caught me off guard.

I feel the strangest need to laugh out loud right now.

I'm so fucking ridiculous.

Have an absolutely fucking amazing day!!!!!!! <3<3<3

Karaline is irrevocably, unashamedly

2008-06-01T03:51:00.000-07:00

In love.

And it hurts because I'm leaving in August for the opposite side of the country. He's absolutely perfect for me, but I can't have him because I'm leaving and it would be cruel to try and start something now. And I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I've been in love with him for years, but if I tell him, I'll also have to tell him how much it hurts me to not be able to take our relationship to a more intimate level. I would like to ask him to wait 4 years for me. That's all I need. Four years. But I can't. I can't tie him down like that. I can't tie myself down. I may meet someone in college and end up falling in love with them. But I'll never forget my first love. The love I could never expand upon. My secret, burning passion.

I just started crying and I'm not sure why. But I nearly cried earlier. We danced every slow dance (except one) and all of them had the same message: "I'm so in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side." And it hit me that I can't spend the rest of my life with him at my side because I'm moving away. He'll find a new girl, or maybe a few more. He'll fall in love with one of them, and I'll watch their wedding, wishing it was me in that white dress, standing beside him and feeling so full of love and joy and amazingness. I'll cry then, too. I'll say I always cry at weddings so no one knows the truth.

Bad timing. Everything is based on bad timing. And maybe God's telling me something. Maybe I'll come back from PA with my bachelors degree and he'll bump into me at the airport and just...blurt it out. Because I know he feels the same. I KNOW it. He's proven it so many times that he loves me, too, but...I don't think he knows he does. Or maybe he does and he's feeling the same as I am and trying to date other people because he can't have me. Maybe that's why all his relationships die like mine do.

I'm not a big believer in fate, but I think he and I are supposed to be together. I think we could have that fairytale romance that every girl wishes for.

Maybe in four years.

God, I wish...things were different. I wish I could just say...

Matt, I love you. I always have. "I don't know how you do what you do. I'm so in love with you. It just keeps getting better. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you by my side. Forever and ever. Every little thing that you do...baby, I'm amazed by you."

Just because.

2008-05-31T00:46:00.000-07:00

I get really fucking weird at this time of night. Like, I'm usually weird, but...at this time, I'm like, "Holy shit, throw that chick in the looney bin!" It's just...weird.

Also, I get really deep and introspective. Haha. I just wrote this long, self-observant note on facebook about how I never follow through on shit that I get excited for. It's really sad. But the point is, it's probably my best writing. Which means, if I ever want to pursue a career in writing, I'll simply have to become nocturnal.

I think I'm weirder on here than anywhere else. Mainly because only one person reads this, haha. I'm also more open here because, well, only one person reads this shit. Which is really a creative waste. I write all my best shit on here and...only one person fucking reads it. What the fuck.

By the way, I also cuss a lot at this time of night.

It's...late. I'm going to bed now.

Goooooooooooood night (morning)!

Love always,
Karaline

Special, One-Time-Only Second Blog!

2008-05-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

BOYS.

So, it's been made clear that boys happen sometimes. More often than not, it usually sucks when they do happen. But don't give up hope!! There ARE some good guys in this world! I'm not sure if you have to look for them or if they come to you on their own, but eventually, the women of the world will actually fall in love with the right one and the whole 'boy' thing will not be made of fail.

This said, I have fallen for the right boy. It was just the wrong time and now I'm pissed because prom is another wrong time. I can't make him wait for four years, though. That's a fact of life. He doesn't know what he wants and I probably don't either. I may think I do, but I still have a lot of growing up to do. That goes for every girl my age. He might be perfect now, but remember: love is blind. Don't go looking for faults, but don't pretend they don't exist. I could've told plenty of girls that the guy they liked was really just a two-faced ass, or not even worth their time. I can't say so now, 'cause it would hurt their feelings. Somehow I think the girls I have in mind will know who they are when they read this, though.

A hermit crab can change its shell, but it can't change the fact that it's still a crab and has scary pincers and claws.

Yes, I did just liken boys to hermit crabs. 'Cause let's face it. Boys are. They are semi-aquatic organisms who grow out of shells (read: girls), throw them away, and obtain new ones.

I would like to think that girls are never semi-aquatic organisms, but that would be just as stupid as saying that a boy has no faults. But usually, girls are like...cats. Graceful, adorable, and finicky. One minute we'll be purring against your chest, the next we're scratching your eyes out. But we'll look fabulous while we're doing it, which is much more of a task than you might believe it to be.

This wasn't actually supposed to be a rant on boys and girls. It was supposed to be a rant about falling victim to the opposite sex. I believe in love and I believe that there are good boys and girls out there. I just don't believe that at the age of seventeen you can get so hung up on the opposite sex that you're completely crushed when they claw your eyes out/change their shell. It's to be expected at this age. I don't want to seem harsh and I know I obsessed for a while when my heart was 'broken', but we all have to move on. Life does not end here. Don't let one boy/girl stop you from living your life to the fullest.

Life won't end unless you let it. Remember that, please.

Endless love,
Karaline (I might as well just come out and say my real name, since Lucy already has. :P)

Three Parts Today

2008-05-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on here for a while. Actually, I was a few days after my last post, but my power went out and I lost everything that I'd typed (which was a lot), so I gave up and didn't try to rewrite it all.

Aside from that, I've been pretty busy. There have been prom things, end-of-the-year projects, family members, parties, award ceremonies, and a lot of disappointment and laughter. But all of that doesn't matter anymore. Because one of my random mind babies is actually going to stay out of the EBO and grow up to be a well-developed mind child with a good, determined core.

In short, I am creating a vlog. It's not just me, either. It's Teresa, Jenelle, Lucy, possibly Claire, and me. You see, three of us are leaving for the East coast and the other two are going to commit suicide without us to entertain them on a daily basis (or vice versa). Therefore the Five West Coast Girls was born! Each of us will take a weekday and make a 2-4 minute long vlog about our day/week/weekend/latest obsession/latest irritance/etc. We'll post on the same youtube account and be able to keep in touch while we're away from each other for four years.

They say the average high school graduate only stays in contact with two of their high school friends.

I say nay.

I will stay in contact with FOUR of them.

Suck it, national standard.

Ahem. In other news, I have finished watching vlogbrothers! Yes, that's right! I watched an entire years' worth of video blogs and it only took me two months (give or take a week or two) to do it in! I think I should get a nerdfighter award. Or I should contribute to some cause to decrease worldsuck....Oh wait! I AM! I'm bringing in a huge bag of recyclables to my English teacher tomorrow and all the proceeds go to an organization called DUH, who will then use the money to sponsor impoverished children in third world countries! How awesome is that?! I'm so excited!

Part 3: Grad party!
My family and I have reached a general agreement that my Harry Potter Grad Party will commence on the 13th of June! We will have Quidditch, food, butterbeer, cookies, other desserts, a group rendition of 'Voldemort Can't Stop the Rock', and maybe a wrock concert from Marked As His Equal (I have yet to ask him if he's available and how much he'll want to be paid for a show). Reesa and I will be decorating invitations throughout the week and sending them out to all the invitees. You will either be in Slytherin or Gryffindor (prepare to be pwned by the green and silver if your invitation is red and gold) for Quidditch, so come prepared to play. Brooms will be provided. :)

I think that's about it. I have to go write a screen-play for government now, so...adieu!

Love always,
Kat

Prom Court

2008-05-13T22:39:00.001-07:00

Found out today that I'm one of six girls in the running for Prom Queen. How crazy is that? Like, I've never been nominated for anything like this before. Ever. And now I can't help but be excited for prom. I'm not saying that I wasn't before, but now it's like, wow, I might actually have a good reason to go (aside from a prom night stand that may or may not happen, haha). The point is, I'm excited for prom now. I'm getting my dress in for alterations on Thursday, also the day of the spring concert, and I should have it back next week.

Some people think I've waited too long to get my dress altered. I say nay. I think I was smart in doing so because I've gained 15 pounds of muscle since I first tried on the dress. All I have to do is stay the same shape and size for a couple weeks and my dress will fit perfectly. What now, all you girls who are dieting to get back to the weight you were when you got your dresses altered? My procrastination has actually paid off this time! Yayyyyyyy! :D

So, yesterday, I said I'd finish writing about Brandon's love letter to me. I'm lazy, though, so I'm just going to copy and paste it in here.

"I feel really awkward writing this but here it goes...

I am sorry for what I did and obviously I want to apologize. I broke up with you for reason and without first talking to you. I knew even before I did it that it was a stupid and irrational thing to do and I cannot forgive myself for it.

When I got your letter a shit load of things went through my mind, and, seeing as how I was raised pessimistic, they were all negative. First thing I was thinking was the fact that you had given me a letter and not talked to me (didn't factor in the cold and that still kills me) and that made me feel like you didn't care. Second thing were the answers. The way that I read them was in a negative way (obviously) and in the mind set that you didn't care whatsoever.

I still cannot believe that I did it and am still in shock. I have yet to even think of an excuse that would make any of it more sensible or sane.

I am sure you have moved on and couldn't give a flying fuck about me anymore after all that but I must say that I have not lived a day without thinking about what an ass I was and how stupid I was to break up with you. I know that I will never get you back but would give anything for a chance at such a thing.

I loved you then
I love you now,
I think of you
and yet somehow,
I did you wrong
and made you cry
so here alone
I lay and die.

(I don't write poetry and yet I made that up on the spot =p...sorry enough fucking around)

Again I wanted to say that I am sorry and that I don't know why I did what I did other than the fact that I was paranoid and took simple things too far.

Thanks for reading this (if you did...wouldn't blame you for not) and I hope to hear back from you with any sort of response in any way shape or form.

Love,
Brandon"

I think it's funny how he assumed that I cried. *snort*

I then received a text message reading, "Would you please reply the the message I sent you on myspace?"

First of all, replying was optional on my part. Second, no, I'm not going to reply. Not now, at least. Stop being a selfish ass. I was actually going to plan out a nice, long letter explaining why you should get over me because there's no way in hell I would ever go back to you. You're an assfuck with an ego and a small dick. Get over yourself. You're not that fucking smart.

Okay, so that was a short letter and you would probably hate me. Which is what I want, right? But then again, I'm nonconfrontational.

I'll send that letter after I'm safely on the other side of the country. :)

I'm exhausted and coming down with a cold, so I'm going to bed now. Good night, loves!

Dear Lord, He Became a Poet for Me

2008-05-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right. My dumbass ex-boyfriend wrote me a poem about how he still loves me. WTF. Why are boys so...stupid?

I seriously can't WAIT to go back East. New boys, new atmosphere, new drama, new memories, new friends. It'll be a fucking relief. That is, if I can last that long.

So, here's basically what's been happening:
I've rediscovered feelings for an old flame and I realized that's why all my relationships have been fucked up. I'm still desperately in love with this guy. It helped that Trent was ignoring my existence for over a month so I could figure all this out and it made it a lot easier to break up with him after he finally started talking to me again. Yes, that's right. We're done. And I'm proud to say that I did the dumping this time. I took the initiative and it's been a weight off my shoulders. He didn't have a backbone anyways.
That was Wednesday last week. Before that, my computer's C drive got fried from, like, a zillion viruses and I lost EVERYTHING. Except pictures and my shared music. Which means, I lost all my wizard rock, sims, sims downloads, stories, assignments, emails, and iTunes. It sucks. And then my dad's IQ dropped and he gave me a 20 gig C drive to replace my 150 gig one. Umm...not gonna work. My sims takes up 18 gigs. Yeah. I don't have room for anything.

I'm going to go now and edit my Hamlet video. I'll finish this later with a copy of DBEWMB's poem. :P

Day After 4/20 = Gossip Girl and John Green

2008-04-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

I've been needing to update this thing and since I've got 52 minutes to waste before the newest episode of Gossip Girl comes on, well...I've got absolutely nothing else to do. Except this. Yayyy!

First up: Canadia!
The beginning of the trip = crap. But I was interviewed for KPBS. Which was extremely awesome. I also improvised a song about how much American Airlines fails at life for KPBS. Again, awesome.

Commercial break!

When looking for an airline that's reliable, safe, and friendly...don't fly American Airlines.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Anywho, we got to Canadia (finally) and the lady at customs freaking yells at me for saying 'what?' instead of 'pardon?' or 'excuse me?'. wtf. Go back to Quebec. And fuck yourself.

We did a lot of stuff there. Like...
-Saw The Wizard of Oz!
-Worked out at the YMCA and laughed at 'pool foulings'
-Went to THREE different malls--yes, three.
-Had some heart-to-heart talks at THREE IN THE MORNING.
-Were extremely sleep-deprived
-Competed against one other women's choir. And came in second place.
-Met some awesome guys from Dallas, TX
-Two words: O Canada.
-Decided American money should have sparkly stripes like Canadian money
-Tried to walk like the jolly walking man
-Sang in a church
-Impersonated the adjudicator who looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame doing interpretive dance
-Made friends with an 80-year-old
-Slept on a bus and got multiple embarrassing pictures taken
-Ate ketchup chips and fell in love
-Left our hearts at the top of the CN Tower
-Planned to send clickable Sharpies to Kieth so that he'll vouch for us to come back to the country
-Decided Jessica is a porn star
-Got massages every night from Chelsea
-Had fries for lunch. And nothing else.
-Laughed. A lot. Like, no kidding. It was non-stop.

That's basically it. I couldn't explain all the inside jokes or stuff that we did. It's kinda hard to justify.

Second on the agenda: Schoolsuck
I can't really believe it, but I'm not failing English. Like, wow. I haven't turned in an essay (among other things) and I've still got a 63%. Holy shit. I'm clearly made of awesome.

Senior activities were cool...well, they would have been if I'd actually BEEN THERE. Yeah. I got sick. With the fucking flu. omgwtfbbq. I'm pissed. I heard the comedy group was amazing and it would have been totally amazing to chill with friends on Thursday. But no. I was there on Monday (I ditched English, go figure), Tuesday (in which I spent the entire time doing a practice AP test), and Friday (which I felt nauseous throughout). Last week can definitely be classified as schoolsuck.

Third: Nerdfighters and Gossip Girl
OMG. John and Hank Green are...amazing. I understand why everyone's so in love with them. They're fantastic. And hysterical. John especially. I really want to read his books now.

"Lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, lady, John Green!!"

Plus, Lauren says Finding Alaska is a great book. Personally, I'm looking forward to the book that comes out in September. :D

So, basically, I watched two and a half months worth of brotherhood 2.0 in the past three hours because I couldn't stand to wait for Gossip Girl tonight. I've seen the four sneak preview clips from CWTV on youtube and it looks soooooooooooooo freakin' good. It's ridiculous. I can't WAIT.

28 minutes and counting.

Ummmmmmm...what to talk about.

Ooh! My new computer! Well, okay, it's not new. My old C drive was fried from a virus, so my dad gave me a new one and put most of my old on on a different drive. He failed to get all my wizard rock and, more depressingly, my sims.

If you've never played a legacy on sims (or, God forbid, never played sims), they take FOREVER. What with custom content slowing down the game and sims taking forever to age and get through university...it just takes a really long time.

I started my legacy with Lauren and Alex, both wizard rockers who will eventually end up married, even if Alex was and sometimes still is a douche bag to Lauren (in real life, that is).
Anyways, I started with them, both family aspiring sims. They had their first daughter, Bethany. She was hideous. Not gonna lie. Then they had twins, Sabrina and Salem (yes, I am that cruel). Sabrina = gorgeous. She was my legacy heir. Salem wasn't too bad, but he needed a nose job, like, pronto, so I put Bethany in uni studying drama. I figured she'd be able to fix her face AND Salem's eventually. After them came another set of twins, Zoe and Darren. Zoe was pretty, but Darren was...well, he definitely wasn't hot. But he wasn't as hideous as Bethany, either. Anyways, after them came Milo and...his brother. Can't remember his name. Then I went to university and paired everyone up, except for Sabrina who didn't go to uni and got married to Fletcher Berkowitz, who, oddly enough, is the father of Katy, who married Salem. But it's not incestuous at all. Katy's mother never actually existed, so...anyways...

Darren got engaged to Michelle Kearney (the one townie who was actually pretty enough to maybe produce pretty children) and ended up getting her pregnant, so they moved out of the dorm and into their own house where they raised a daughter, Athalia. Athalia was not black, but I thought she deserved a name that was...out there. So I flipped to a random page in my baby name book and gave her the first unusual name I found. Michelle and Darren graduated, moved into a house down the street from Alex and Lauren, got married, and had a son. I don't remember what his name was 'cause I only had him in the game for half an hour before I quit the game. Little did I know that I would never start up that game again to show those characters any more love and affection. Sabrina never gave birth to her first child. Salem never got his nose job. Bethany never stopped being ugly. Hell, Zoe didn't even have the chance to get engaged to her boyfriend. And Athalia never even got her first kiss.

:(

It was a sad, sad day.

But I can't reflect anymore because Gossip Girl starts in five minutes.

Bye, loves!!!!

Moms + Hospitals = Speculation

2008-04-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

So, Lucy's mom just got out of the hospital, once the doctors got their act together and actually figured out what the hell was going on with her. Now Reesa's mom's in the hospital with a kidney stone that was supposed to pass on its own. They gave her pain meds and sent her on her merry way, and now she's got a temperature of 100 degrees and she can't stand up without getting dizzy.

I don't get it. First Anne's mom, then Lucy's, now Reesa's. It makes me wonder when it'll be my mom's turn. I used to worry a lot my junior year when my mom wasn't on anti-depressants. I think, maybe, that's what made my junior year so shitty. That and my huge fight with Lucy that took us forever to overcome. But I used to wonder everyday if I'd come home and find out that my mom had committed suicide 'cause she thought she was a bad mother and had nothing to live for. She scared me when she talked like that. She scared Rissy, too. But what were we supposed to do? Dad wasn't home and Mom was...depressed. Suicidal. I didn't want to go to school and I didn't want to come home afterwards 'cause I didn't want to know what had happened while I was gone.

I wasn't just worried because she's my mom. I love her. She's not always the best mother in the world, but, c'mon, she's my mom. No, the reason I was worried was because Anne had just lost her mom. I mean, it was a little different considering the fact that Mrs. J was sick for over a decade before she died, but my mom had a serious mental illness. She dug up some repressed memories and I think they pushed her over the edge. She wasn't always so crazy. She used to have fits of rage when she was still in college and I was in kindergarten. I remember one time, she flipped the coffee table over, slipped on her way into the kitchen, and broke her pinky. She was crying in the middle of the floor and I was crying because I was scared out of my mind. For God's sake, I was five. What was I supposed to do?
I don't think she remembers what was going on before she broke her finger. Every once in a while, she brings up her crooked finger, and all I can think of is, "You flipped the coffee table that day because you were mad at the world. And me."

When things like that happened, I would always go to the balcony. That was back when we lived in a two-story house. There was a balcony outside my dad's office (later it became my room once Rissy was born) and I would sit on it, talking to myself until I felt better. I didn't need someone to talk to. I was content with exploring my emotions on my own. I still do that. I still pull away when people ask me what I'm thinking or feeling. I can figure it out on my own, given the time. Sometimes, I write it down. That's why I ended my fight with Lucy with a letter. I can express myself in written words much easier than in spoken words, mainly because after a while I realized that my parents could just stick their head out the kitchen door and hear whatever I was saying to myself. I started reading avidly then. I would immerse myself in fantasy fiction. Somehow, that helped, too. I could relate to characters and get out all my feelings through them.

Wow. Walk down memory lane.

I don't think I've had so much inner reflection in a long time. It's hard for me to look at myself sometimes. I don't think I like me very much. There are parts of me that I love. And there are parts of me that I wish didn't exist. My parents used to ask me why I wasn't more like so-and-so whenever I disappointed them. It kind of made me wonder why I wasn't good enough that I couldn't just be myself.

Fuck. I'm crying.

04/04/08

2008-04-04T00:16:00.001-07:00

AKA Senior Ditch Day. Also, the best day of my life. Even though it only started 16 minutes ago.

I'll probably write tonight about everything. It should be a lot of fun. I'm only going to choir 'cause, let's face it, we need practice and there are only 5 days left until Canada. And I'm just getting my voice back to full power. I need to be there.
After choir, Reesa and I are going to In-n-Out for the most amazing food in California, and then we're going back to her house to watch Enchanted and other movies with the ever gorgeous James Marsden. :P

That's pretty much all I had to say. It's late. I've been reading fictionpress. Trying to find new stories to get hooked on. I've found three so far, so maybe it won't be so torturous waiting for Myrika and SouledChampion to update. Ugh.

I need to write. It's been weeks since I've been really inspired to continue my newest story. If I read a good book or two (or a couple stories), I'll probably find something in me that will propel me to finish chapter 2 of 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Mr. Right?'

You never know, though.

So, I'm tired. Ridiculously. Tired. The US history video project took forever. And I had to leave music out of it 'cause my computer was being a butt. Grr.

Like I said, it's late. I need to go to bed.

Goooooood night!

Senioritis

2008-03-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

I am, for absolute sure, done with high school. It's not even funny. I woke up this morning, the first day after spring break, and I seriously considered staying home and sleeping in. I've always said I would do something like that, but I was never lazy/stupid enough to do it. Until today. But I got my ass out of bed (eventually) and had to forgo a shower just to make it to school on time. Not that the shower was a problem as I had taken one yesterday afternoon.
Oh, and at school, I was unbelievably tired. Like, I know I just played three days of volleyball and only got 5 hours of sleep, but I have never been that tired before! I think it was a combination of the lack of effort and the muscle/mind fatigue...but nevertheless, I went through the entire day without too many complaints (there were a few occasional, "I want to go home," lines in there), and forced enough energy out of myself to go to Barnes and Noble to write an essay with Reesa and then go to an AP review session with Lucy.

And now I can barely keep my eyes open. They hurt. They're dry. They're not done yet 'cause I still have to finish my effing essay.

Ugh.

Anywho, I thought I'd keep it short today. It was a crappy, boring first day back at school. And I'm totally done with it. Bring on summer break and college. I'm more than ready.

Home

2008-03-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

Just got back yesterday from Pennsylvania, and boy, do I have stories!

Last Thursday, I left on a plane to D.C. I had to wait about 20 minutes for my next flight and there was only one chair left at the gate, so I asked the lady next to it if I could sit there. She was really nice and said I could, then we went to politely ignoring each other. This woman down the row of seats was talking really loudly on her cell phone and her conversation was really funny (from what I could tell), so the lady next to me and I started laughing to ourselves. Now, I hadn't eaten much at all that day, so I was pretty much starving. I think the lady must have known that, 'cause she asked if I wanted a bag of Cheetos. Like everyone else, I grew up knowing not to take food from strangers, so I told her 'no,' even though I did want them. She left me alone for a few more minutes until the guy at the gate announced something. He must have been from South Africa, 'cause his accent was so think that neither of us could tell what he'd said. Therefore, we got into a discussion about accents and dialects. Next thing I knew, I had a bag of Cheetos and a new friend. Haha. Airports are amazing.
On the flight to Harrisburg (in which the plane stayed so low to the ground that one could see individual houses if one chose to look out the window), I was in the VERY front row. It was awesome. Then this guy sat down next to me and he asked me if I was going home. Mind you, he asked me with one of the most gorgeous accents I've ever heard. I said I was going to visit colleges and that I came from California, then I asked him if he was going home. He told me no, and that he actually lived in Germany, but he was originally from New Zealand and he was in the states for work. Yeah. I meet the most awesome people ever in airplanes. Haha. I kept on talking to him throughout the entire flight just to hear his accent. I know. Creeper. That's me.

I was the third person off the plane, so the lady who was picking me up didn't see me. I didn't see her, either, so I just went down to baggage claim, literally walked up and picked my luggage up, then headed back to the restrooms. I still didn't see anyone after that, so I called Randall (volleyball coach), but he didn't answer his phone. By that time, the airport was pretty much deserted, so I took a seat by baggage claim to wait. I talked to Teresa and my dad for a while on the phone and intermittently called Randall a couple more times. Finally, I got in touch with Randall and he told me Debbie Murray was there to pick me up with a bright pink sign with my name on it. Then he told me to wait where I was while he called Debbie. A minute later, Debbie was there and we had a good laugh about the mix-up while we got to her car. She gave me the sign she had, too. :) I felt cool.
Anywho, the ride to Elizabethtown was about 20 minutes, so we talked the entire way about how tan I was (I promptly told her that I glow in the dark where I'm from), how exciting it is to experience new cultures (Woo, culture shock!), and how awesome Etown is (It is. It really is.). She dropped me off for dinner at 6:55 (the caf closes at 7, by the way. We were cutting it really short.) and I managed to get a cheeseburger and a salad before they closed up.

Then I got to meet my first overnight host, Dani. She's a music therapy major and had a role in the opera that weekend. She was also extremely awesome. Haha. Her roommate's a volleyball player, so that was...interesting. Kathy. She is, um...a partier. She and the girls next door got me to play drums in Rock Band (I guess I didn't suck too bad. 80%)...then they decided to take shots. That was when I left.
I went to classes with Dani the next day and, by far, percussion class was the most fun. I got to play the drums with everyone else and Dani and I had fun messing everyone up with random rhythms. :P
After classes, we met up with Travis (aka gay, black Travis) and Nate (aka Sugar) to go to Chocolate World in Hershey. OMG. Best smelling town in the world. We were driving into Hershey with the windows down and I just about died at the smell. It was basically the most amazing experience ever.
Chocolate World had this ride in it where you go through the chocolate factory (not the real one) and there are singing cows singing about milk chocolate and other yummy stuff. Dani, Travis, and Nate are all music majors. All of them were in the opera. They sang with the cows throughout the ENTIRE ride. I couldn't stop laughing.

We got back to the college and I met up with my second host, Kelly, a freshman elementary education major. Her roommate was my next host, so I got to spend two nights with her and Kaitlin. Friday, I texted Lauren Fairweather (from The Moaning Myrtles, in case you didn't know) and told her I was free for that night. Then she told me she was in Schlosser on the third floor. It just so happened that I was in Schlosser on the second floor. And Kaitlin was friends with Lauren. So we invited her down with her guitar and we had a musical party! She sang a whole bunch of songs for us and I sang the 'ba ba's on 'Flushed' with her. It was awesome! I got some video of her singing 'Accio Bodyguard' on my phone (now on facebook), but it's really short and the video is really crappy. Oh well.
After we had the music party, we went to dinner in the caf and then we went to Founders and partied with Travis (straight, white Travis) until about 1 AM. The four of us were the only completely sober ones there. It was a riot. Travis kept on coming up to me and asking if I liked Etown, then he would go to the bathroom, come back, get another beer, finish it, ask me again, go to the bathroom...and so on and so forth. He got up to 10 beers and Lauren and I decided to leave. I chilled with her and her roommate until 3 AM, then Kelly came back and took me up to her room to crash.

Saturday I had the admitted students thing and the scholarship award ceremony. Right before the ceremony, Dr. Haines (music professor) came up, shook my hand, and said 'congratulations.' I asked him what for and he said, "Well, probably by the time you get home, you'll have two very nice letters from the music department." I flipped out! Not only did that mean I got into the music program, but I got a scholarship, too! I was totally stoked for the rest of the day. :D
Debbie was the speaker for the ceremony and she went through the names of the students who won scholarships (along with their home town, state, and high school) in alphabetical order. When she got to me, she said something about, "For coming the farthest to receive this award..." and then she said I was from California and about three people behind me tapped my shoulder and told me congratulations. lol.

The rest of the day, we just chilled in the dorm room and watched movies. Kelly's boyfriend came that evening and we went to see Mad Cow, the improv comedy group on campus. It was the second ever rated R show they'd had, so everything was innuendo or blatantly sexual. XD But mainly, it was hysterical. And since I knew one of the guys in it, I got to make a suggestion for the game 'paper trail'. We had to think of famous movie phrases, and I said, "Say hello to my little friend." It was the first line used in the game and the girl who got it totally worked with it! "Say hello to my little friend! The no-no finger!" Like, she didn't even have to think about it. She fit it into her monologue seamlessly. Amazing.

Sunday, I slept in until 11:30, put on my volleyball gear, went down to Giant with Kaitlin and Kelly to get water and shampoo, then came back for a volleyball clinic. See, it's illegal for Randall to have me practice with the team, but since it was a clinic, it was totally legal for me to play. He was definitely impressed, so that was good. :)
One of the players, Katie, offered to host me that night, so I got her number, went back with Kelly, took a shower, and headed to the other corner of campus to move in with Katie. We had a Harry Potter Marathon with her boyfriend and Tom (who hates Harry Potter, incidentally). Then we got hungry (even though we'd just eaten at the caf) and went out to McDonald's for fries and shamrock shakes. When we got back, we finished the 3rd movie and Tom and I gushed about Inn-N-Out burgers for a while. Haha. He'd been to NorCal once and he said they were the best burgers he'd ever eaten. I said if I had a million dollars, I would probably eat there every day. He agreed. :P

On Monday, Katie dropped me off at Zug (music building) with Jackie (the star of the opera) and Kyle (ummm...he's really hot. And he sings. Yeah.) for music education classes. I was with Travis (gay) and Nate all day, again. It was great. Everyone always makes fun of Travis for being black (in a loving manner, of course. None of them are racist.), so when I got into Dr. Devroop's class, Travis gasped and told me I could sit with him, "In the corner. Apparently, that's where I belong." My response: "Why, 'cause you're black?"
Nate laughed and said, "She catches on quick!"
Yayyy!
That day was a lot of fun. Except for the bio lab I had to sit through, haha. It was either sit through bio, sit through a boring ethics lecture, or sit alone in the Blue Bean for two hours with nothing to do. I chose option a.

That afternoon, I moved in with Jackie, who, luckily for me, lived in Founders D (Katie was in Founders A). Gay Travis, Stu (also gay), Sheri (Jackie's best friend), Sarah (Sheri's roommate), and Rae (Jackie's roommate) were describing what the Saint Patties Day dance had been like, acting out what the black people at the dance had looked like (with help from Travis, 'cause he knew what was up, haha). I was laughing so hard that I totally ripped one off. It was soooo freaking funny. Sheri and Jackie started cracking up and I was like, "I'm so sorry!" and Jackie said, "Are you kidding me? You just initiated yourself! Welcome to Etown!!"
:D Yeah. Amazing.

I was supposed to leave Tuesday night at 6. I went to a few classes on Tuesday, then I met up with Randall outside admissions. We got to the airport at around 5 PM to find out that the flight was delayed because of the rain in PA and storms in Chicago. Then we found out that the flight that was supposed to take me to CA hadn't left Puerto Rico yet. It was funny, but not funny at the same time. I decided not to take the risk and chose a flight out the next morning at 6 AM. Randall took me back to school and into the gym to see if a volleyball player could host me that night. None of them could, so I called Lauren and she agreed to host me for that night.
We watched the Wrockstock DVD and then a whole bunch of things on youtube. She had a study group at 9:30, so I went with her and met up with straight Travis. We talked for an hour about the differences between San Diego and bumblefuck, Pennsylvania where he was from. Haha. He was like, "I drove a tractor to school my junior and senior year. I was also considered a genius, 'cause 3/4 of the school just didn't give a fuck since they were all going to be farmers anyways."
Yeah. Travis was pretty awesome. He was really stressed, though, 'cause he had a chem test the next day, so he was chewing tobacco the entire time I was talking to him. For a while, I didn't know what he was spitting in the bottle he had, but then I finally figured it out. Like, duh, tobacco is grown out here.

I woke up at 4:15 AM the next morning, changed into some jeans, put a shirt on over my pajama shirt, put on my shoes and a jacket, and headed for the door. Lauren woke up as I was leaving and gave me a huge hug and told me to have a safe trip home. :))))
On the second flight, I made her a sign that said, "I love Lauren from the Moaning Myrtles! Because she's awesome. And let me sleep on her floor. Yay!"
She loved it when she saw the picture. Haha.

So, I got home at 11 AM (I LOVE time zones.) and my mom picked me up and took me to Cotijas. It was the best burrito I'd ever eaten. Ever. Then I got home and instantly uploaded all the pictures from the week. :D

Yayyy!

PA or Bust!

2008-03-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

Admitted Student Day for Etown is on Saturday. Plane tickets cost $550. Etown couldn't pay for the airfare. I got desperate and offered to pay for half. Etown accepted and is paying $275. Which means...

I'M GOING TO ETOWN THIS WEEKEND!

WHOOT!

So, I'm leaving at 8 AM on Thursday morning and arriving there (amidst fore casted SNOWSTORMS) at about 6 PM. I'll do stuff on Friday, then on Saturday I've got the student day and the scholarship award ceremony ($10,000, baby!) around lunch. Which will be awesome. Then I've got all of Sunday and Monday to chill on campus (maybe see my grandparents and/or aunt Julie), and I'm leaving Tuesday afternoon. I love time differences. I'm leaving Harrisburg at 5 PM and landing San Diego at 10:30 PM. Haha. Amazing. It's still 8 1/2 hours, but it's just amazing that it only LOOKS like 5 hours. I'm so easily amused.

So, yeah, I'm running on an hour and a half of sleep. Awesome. I went to bed late because of government stuff (24 pages of reading notes to do, PLUS directed questions. Ugh.), but I couldn't sleep. I listened to The Rocket Summer for, like, an hour and still didn't fall asleep, so I got up and decided to write ('cause that's usually the problem when I can't sleep. I just have too much to think about, so I need to write it all down.). I guess I got so wrapped up in writing that I didn't realize that it was 2:30 in the morning, so I was scared shitless when my mom opened my door and told me to go to bed 'cause I would never be able to wake up in the morning. So I went back to bed. And listened to more Rocket Summer. And Mae, Chris Daughtry, Taylor Swift, and Sara Bareilles. And yet, I was still awake at 4. I was starting to give up hope when I put on Spring Awakening. Bam. After three songs, I was out. "Touch Me," "The Word of Your Body," and "The Dark I Know Well". I was out. Then I woke up at 6 and spent the entire day at school feeling like I was on some hardcore drugs. Haha.

I love insomnia, sometimes, though. Like, I'm always the most creative at 3 AM. I feel really profound when I look at what I wrote later on. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I dunno. It's weird.

Anywho, nothing much to talk about besides Etown and lack of sleep. I mean, aside from ignoring Will's existence all day (which wasn't hard since I rarely see him anymore)...

Yeah.

[Insert really cool/lame ending to this blog here.]

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Not Potatoes.

2008-03-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

This is a response to Lucy's blog post on myspace. Not only did that blog make me cry, it also made me furious.

First of all, I fucking HATE Will for making you feel the way you do. YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE. If he wants you to change to be "better" for him, then fuck him. You don't need him. You don't need someone telling you how to be. You're perfect the way you fucking are. Which, by the way, is another point. You are not ugly, nor are you average. If you ever say that about yourself again, I WILL bitch slap you into a coma until you forget about feeling worthless. Oh, and yes, I have felt that way before. Like you're nothing but a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe whenever you're around him. I KNOW how it feels.

Back to you, however. You are EXTRAORDINARY. If anyone tells you otherwise, they clearly don't know you. Or they're close-minded assholes who don't deserve to know you. You know I wouldn't lie to you, so I hope you believe me when you read this. We've had our ups and downs in our friendship, but at the end of the day, you're still my best friend and I hope to God I never do anything to hurt you the way Will has. He's marred your self esteem, played you for a fool, and confused you. No girl deserves treatment like that. Especially not a girl like yourself. Look at you. You're gorgeous, strong-willed, quick-witted, and, to quote the Rocket Summer, "You got so much love in you." Why waste it on a guy who's fat, stupid, blind, dumb, and useless? Seriously, the only thing he had going for him was that he had you. And now he doesn't. He should probably just choke on mashed potatoes and die. Slowly. From asphyxiation.

>:|

I'm seriously contemplating ripping off his nonexistent ball sac. Or, actually, I'll feed him testosterone pills until he grows some balls, then I'll cut them off with a dull, rusty butter knife. I don't know if I'd feel better, though. I mean, yeah, it would be satisfactory, but...would it be enough? No one gets away with making my best friend feel like shit. No one.

I will have my revenge.

Her Eggo...Might be Preggo...

2008-03-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

Yikes. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad news today. I'm not going to mention by name who might be pregnant. She deserves privacy.

Anyways, she talked to me this morning and told me she was two days late. I thought she was being ridiculous 'cause she broke up with her boyfriend over a month ago. Then she told me that she'd had sex with him again in early February. After they'd broken up.
Not gonna lie, I was a little angry at her for that. But I'm more concerned about her maybe being pregnant than I am about her having sex with him again. Even though he's a douche and his father's a bigger douche.
So, basically, if she still doesn't have her period by Friday, we're going to go pick up a pregnancy test and Sunny D. Haha. It'll be the shopping trip of a lifetime.

That's basically all that happened today. Besides Lucy looking more gorgeous than normal. :D Oh, and Brandon talked to me on myspace, attempting to insult my intelligence...it didn't really work. See, our friend Jeff was suspended for running the black market at school (soda, candy, and energy drinks, not drugs) and there was a bulletin going around saying goodbye to the black market (which will never go away so long as Jeff is at school) and I copied and pasted it into my own bulletin to show Jeff some support. Then I get this message from DBWEMB saying, " ...you do know he is still going to sell right?...it doesnt end the market...just the vast quantities of the itmes sold..."

Ummm, what? What does that even SAY? And what are itmes? lol. But seriously, what is he trying to say here? What about the vast quantities? Damn it, DBEWMB, go back to kindergarten and learn English!!! Jeez!

Kay. I'm done. With that rant, that is. Here's the next one: Choir girls.

Mrs. Harrison was in meetings all day today, which worked out fine for Fanfare, 'cause Angela, Jenna and I ran the show. Then came WoVEn. You would think, wouldn't you, that 16 young ladies can sing through four pieces of music without starting World War III on the risers. As it happens, 14 out of 16 of them must have been PMSing, 'cause I swear we were all about to jump each other. All we had to do was critique ourselves. That worked fine for the Latin pieces. Then we got to 'When It Was Yet Dark' and when we finished, Nelle made a point about keeping time when we hold notes. Instantly, there were two girls making up excuses for not holding the notes the proper amount of time. "She's going to cut us off anyways, so why bother?" "Well, the counting's always off, so it's hard to tell when to cut off."

First of all, when the music says you hold a note for 6 beats, you hold it for six fucking beats, not one or two. Make a goddamn effort.
Second, if you can't count beats, then go back to kindergarten with Brandon and learn how to count from 1 to 6.

After all this went down, everything was shot to hell. Every time one of us suggested how to make a piece sound better, one or two people got offended and started defending themselves. It was stupid and a waste of time. Lacee tried to get them to shut up and Courtenay asked everyone to get along for, like, five minutes until we finished singing. They did and we started the last piece, 'O Canada.'
Of all the shit the choir girls pulled today, this got me the angriest. We got to the end of O Canada and some of us didn't know our notes as we had just learned the song a couple days ago. Coco was lovely and played the Soprano 2's notes for them on the piano to help them out. The only S2s that paid attention were Joy and Jenelle and they worked for at least ten minutes trying to get their part perfect. And Jenelle's not even going to Canada.
What were the others doing during this time?
Well, Amber and Laura were huddled by the door behind some chairs to complain to each other, Courtenay and Sam were off doing their own thing at a table, Alexis and I were waiting to get help from Coco, and everyone else was talking. Loudly. So I got up while Nelle and Joy were working, and Alexis helped me write a letter to Mrs. Harrison telling her what had happened. It was frustrating because we didn't know why they were all acting like bitches to each other.

Gahhhh. I hate chicks sometimes. We're ridiculous.

Musically (and Frustratedly) Yours,
Ginny

Worry, worry, worry

2008-02-29T13:34:00.001-08:00

That's right, I'm worried. About what, you ask? Friends. Life. The future.

Jenelle's been depressed, but she won't say anything about it. Reesa and I have come up with some highly plausible reasons for it, but Nelle won't ever bring it up.
Lucy's been...Lucy. Heart broken Lucy. She puts a smile on for the day, but I can just feel it when something's wrong. Something's definitely wrong.
Thomas doesn't have a date to prom anymore, so Nelle wants to ask him to go with her as just friends. Coco wants to go to prom in Angela's group, but she can't unless she has a senior as her date, so she wants to go with Nick. Nelle's in love with Nick, but Nick is enamored with Joy, and Joy doesn't like Nick or her current boyfriend, Nathan. Oh, and Reesa wants Coco to go in our group to prom.

High school love is just so freaking confusing sometimes. And, like, it's not real. All those stories about marrying a high school sweetheart are, like, one in a million. Seriously, the average person only maintains a good relationship with two high school friends after graduation. I'll probably have two or three: Reesa, Lucy, and Nelle. My east coast buddies. :)

So, back to Nelle.
She's gorgeous and talented and funny and amazing. She thinks she's ugly because she's overweight. And she's humble when it comes to her amazingness. But it's not like she's disgustingly obese. She knows how to pull it off! And personally, Nelle wouldn't be Nelle without her...voluptuousness. She's Jenelle and she can work the weight.
So, anyways, since she believes she's ugly, she also believes she'll never get the guy (read: Nick). And then there's her mom who is so overprotective that Nelle's not even allowed to apply to college. They're moving to North Carolina and Nelle has to go to a JC there. Um...what the hell? Matt was fine at State and I'm pretty sure her two older sisters were fine at 4-year universities, too. Why does Nelle get left out? Sure, her grades aren't the best, but State would probably take her anyways. It's State.
The other reason she's depressed: Canada. Our choir is going to Canada for 5 days. Nelle's mom is, as I said, overprotective and won't let her leave the country. Which means Nelle's stuck learning all these songs that she doesn't even get to perform. And she's always left out of the Canada excitement and discussions because she's not going. I really wish she was. I love Nelle and I need her singing beside me. When she's not, I don't feel as confident or as awesome. :(

Now, onto prom. I have a date. I promised my date I would go with him about a year ago. My date is not my boyfriend. At one point, I wished he was my boyfriend. I don't anymore. When I explained this to my boyfriend, he got...I dunno...quiet. I told him nothing would happen and that I'm totally not into this other guy. He's like my brother now and there's just no way...
I felt so bad. His only response was, "It's nothing to do with you, but I've been in a situation where 'nothing was going to happen' and the next thing I knew, my girlfriend left me for this other guy."
Here's the dilemma. I have to go with Matt. I've been planning on going with him for ages. But somehow I've got to ensure that Trent's okay with that. He has to know that he can trust me. I mean, Matt's already cleared this whole prom thing with his girlfriend and she's totally fine with it. She's really awesome, by the way. :)

So, yeah. Prom. Ugh. Like, I'm excited, but at the same time, I really don't want to be there when the drama explodes. I've had enough drama to last me a life time already.

There's probably more I have to say, but since I started writing this yesterday and my internet's about to crash, I figure I should end it here.

Musically yours,
Kat

Day 2

2008-02-26T14:05:00.000-08:00

My day was absolutely amazing! It was like I couldn't be sad because I was wearing my Etown sweatshirt and I had my acceptance letter in my bag. I told Shannon in first period that I should be accepted to college every day since it puts me in such a good mood. Haha. I haven't been this happy since my break-up with DBEWMB (read: Brandon)! Which is actually kinda sad. In a funny way. Anyways, I've been battling two consecutive colds, the second one developed into bronchitis, so I've been fighting that, too, and then my vocal audition for the music program at Etown didn't go so well because I've had laryngitis for four and a half weeks straight. I've basically been a walking plague and I haven't been very...cheery lately. I could act like it if I really wanted to, but I felt so crappy that I didn't even try. And then today I was back to normal! :D

I've even gotten most of my voice back. Which I'll probably waste by the end of the day because I have practice and I have to yell a lot in it...>.< style="font-style: italic;">paying to play. I better freaking play if I'm paying good money, you know what I mean?

Anywho, as you can tell, I really don't want to go to practice. I already missed Sunday, though, and Thursday's practice was canceled, so I figure I should go just to keep myself in shape. *Sigh* Oh well. So much for saving my voice.

Random:
I think I'm going to start writing like Gossip Girl on here. lol. You know you love me!
Yes, I am addicted to that show. And the books are good, too. But I liked the show first. Which is rare for me. I usually fall in love with the book first, then scrutinize the show/movie and point out everything that's not canon. Haha! I'm such a nerd! XD

You know you love me,
Ginny

So, basically...

2008-02-25T22:07:00.000-08:00

I've had blogs before, but I've always censored myself. Kind of. Haha. If you've read my other blogs, you'll understand why that's funny. But if you haven't, well, that's probably because you a) don't know me or b) I didn't like you enough to let you read it. :)

Anywho, I've decided this is going to be my uncensored blog. I don't care whose feelings I hurt, whose egos I squash, or who gets offended. This is me and my thoughts. Uncensored. It's going to be a bumpy ride, 'cause let me tell you, if I always said what I thought, no one would like me. Except maybe Lucy. She's kind of a glutton for punishment when it comes to brutal honesty. Oh, and since it's because of Lucy that I'm here, I'll try to keep up with the whole name-alias things. But I doubt if I'll be able to. If we happen to be talking about the same person, I'll use her alias. But if it's someone she's never talked about, I'll use their real names. Yay!

So, here's the overview:
I'm a senior in high school and I've been dying to get out of CA to go live on the east coast where all my family lives. I applied to only east coast schools (except one in AZ, but that was a fall-back school, anyways), and I've visited my top 3 schools: Elizabethtown (PA), Sweet Briar (VA), and UVA-Wise (VA).

I'm not really sure what it was about Etown that made me fall in love with it. I mean, the campus was absolutely GORGEOUS, first of all. Like, it's ridiculously pretty. Breath-taking, almost. Second, the PEOPLE. Oh my God. Everyone there was so hospitable! My dad and I were a little late to the open house in November, but when we walked in, we had about ten students and faculty around us giving us coffee, breakfast foods, and information packets. It was amazing. And then I met the volleyball coach. He was awesome! He definitely reminded me of Bert in that he was so laid back and easy to get along with. He set me up with free dinner with half the volleyball team and sent us on our way for the campus tour. Since we'd been talking to the coach for so long, we kinda missed the tour times, so we asked this random guy to give us the tour. Turns out, he's part of the improv comedy group on campus, so the tour was hysterical.

Now, before I explain why I decided it was my top school, there's one thing you must know: I'm a Harry Potter FREAK. I've read the books so many times that I know them inside and out. I search online for info not given in the books. I listen to MuggleCast religiously. I have a PiPa account. And I listen to wizard rock. I have more wiz rock than any other genre in my iTunes library. My favorite wrock band is called The Moaning Myrtles. Lauren and Nina are just amazing. Lauren happens to go to Etown. I was never really interested in the college, to be honest, until I got a card from them and an email from the vball coach. I decided to do a little studying and, while screwing around on facebook, I realized that Lauren went there. I asked her about it and she totally got me interested.

So, my dad and I are in line for food (which was SO good. Best food EVER.) when I look over and I see this girl who looks a lot like Lauren. But I didn't get a good look, so I didn't say anything. We get our food and we walk out to the tables and chairs and I see her sitting by herself. OMG. I flipped out. I dragged my dad over and I asked, "Hi, are you Lauren Fairweather?"
She looked up at me and smiled (because she's just the type of person who will smile at a perfect stranger) and said, "Yeah, that's me."
I told her I was the girl from facebook who had asked her about Etown and she invited us to eat with her. We talked about wrock for a bit, then my dad got involved with the conversation and asked about important things like the college and classes and everything. Basically, she was the most amazing person I've ever met. Like, seriously. She's so sweet, and sooo freaking nice! And she didn't think I was weird for fangirling her while she was trying to eat. Haha!
That was probably one of the best days of my life. Ever since, I've been determined to go to Etown.

And guess what?

I got accepted today!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDD I am unbelievably happy! I opened up the letter and the first thing I saw was a giant postcard saying 'YES' in huge letters. It didn't really register with me at first, 'cause I was really nervous about what the letter would say, and then I opened the letter and saw: "It is with great pleasure that I write to inform you of your admission to Elizabethtown College!"

And I started crying. My hands were shaking and the significance of the giant 'YES' finally hit me. I immediately called my BFFLs Lucy and Reesa and I ended up talking with Lucy for 2 hours and 17 minutes. Haha. It was amazing. I'm sooooooo happy! And relieved! I've been silently stressing about this for weeks. I haven't really told anyone how nervous I was about all this. Like, it was so uber important to me that I couldn't even verbalize it.

:)))))))

Happy, happy, happy. With a side of cyanide.

That's it for tonight!

Yours in Harry Potter nerdiness,
Ms. Weasley (aka Kat)